Autism and my life 💫

I'm 22 years old and am autistic, have ADHD, ace, and agender. Sharing my experiences, struggles, and thoughts. A journal for all to read 💜

[bouquetofoddities]

hi! can people without a diagnosis reblog your posts about your experiences with autism? i just wanted to ask to make sure

Of course ^~^ 💜 any information getting out to people that shows what I or others experience with autism is great ! The more people that are educated or exposed to new things about autism and similar things the better things are and become because of the understanding it brings ! Reblog anything you'd like !

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: *feels something* hmmm

Me: hey brain what's the word for this feeling ?

Brain: you expect me to know what we're feeling now ?

Me: isn't it your job to know these things ?

Brain: yeah sure, but I quit that job ages ago. I just create the feelings now, sorry pal

Me: ... *goes through my whole life not able to identify feelings properly*

[bouquetofoddities]

Me @ brain: hey brain this specific compulsion is unhealthy and unproductive

Brain: mhm I can see that

Me: so can we like... stop it ?

Brain: oh of course not

Me: why ???

Brain: because if we stop somehow something terrible might happen!

Brain: also I'll be required to annoy you about it until you're compelled to do it anyways

Me: ...

[bouquetofoddities]

I don't have nice photo editing software to make a nicer post for you guys but I do appreciate you all very much for your support and I hope I continue making content you enjoy!

I encourage anyone who also loves and appreciates their followers to reblog so they get that reminder that you appreciate them 💜

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: *tries to start dating*

Me: *annoy the people I'm interested in on accident by infodumping about things I care about*

Me: *overwhelmed by all the subtle social cues you're somehow supposed to already know*

Me: *can't tell when somebody is flirting at all unless super direct with me*

Me: *has no idea how to flirt myself*

Me: *doesn't know how dates are even supposed to work*

Me: *is confused about how dating isn't just the same as you hanging out with someone you happen to like*

The list goes on and on. Is it just me or is dating absolutely confusing in every way ?

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: *develops a new routine to keep stable*

Me: *happy with new routine* this is nice (:

After a while...

Brain @ me: hey we gotta do *insert new compulsion or ritual* as part of the routine now

Me: ...why?

Brain: I dunno. I don't make the rules. But we gotta.

Me: ???

[bouquetofoddities]

How neurotypical people try to bond with me

Person: Hey, wanna *insert activity that they already know would be overwhleming or difficult for me* ?

Me: no :(

Person: why are you so difficult ? why can't you be normal ? do you hate me ?

Neurodiverse people trying to bond with me

Person: hey, wanna do *thing we both enjoy* ?

Me: yes (:

Also neurodivergent people

Person: hey, can we try doing *thing I'm unfamiliar with* ?

Me: i'll try my best

Person: *makes acomadation for me if it's something difficult for me*

Person: *is understanding if I can't handle it anymore*

Me: (:

[bouquetofoddities]

Can autistic adults have meltdowns or is that specific to kids? If they do, what does it look/feel like?

I'd like to start by talking about a couple of things as far as kids go. Namely tantrums vs meltdowns and how they're different. Also, this answer won't be immensely detailed scientifically or clinically and will more be explained from my perspective which I hope is okay 💜

Defining the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown is important I think in understanding meltdowns in adults. As they're often still viewed as tantrums.

As far as kids are concerned, a tantrum is a reaction to not getting something they want. It's a way for them oftentimes to cause a scene, because if they do so, the idea is that they'll cause enough trouble to get something they want. That's often how tantrums are in my experience at least.

A tantrum is a choice made by a kid to have an extreme reaction to not receiving something they'd like to have or they want to have something go their way. Often a child doesn't know how to react to not getting what they want. And so they react in an extreme way.

A meltdown is different in the fact that it is usually in response to something in the environment changing in a way that the brain has extreme difficulty processing. Perhaps it's a sensory issue, perhaps it's a sudden change in routine, a social situation that can't be handled, maybe many things at once.

This results in a meltdown for some. It's like an intense reaction to not being able to handle something anymore, to process it properly, and the bodies reaction can be very intense in that situation, its a complete sensory overload of some kind that the body or mind or both can't process and an intense reaction occurs in response to the high level of distress you're going through.

Tantrums are often a temperament issue in my experience essentially, whereas a meltdown is a processing issue.

Now, meltdowns can look like many things for many people. And I couldn't possibly explain them all. So I'll describe how it feels and looks like for me, and how I might react during one.

For me a meltdown starts as a pressure in my head. A feeling that won't go away. Sometimes I know the trigger and oftentimes I have no idea. But there's usually something happening or overwhelming me and this pressure that builds, it's distressing, I can't get it to go away, I can't make it stop, and it keeps building up because the bad sensory stimulation won't go away either, or my brain can't handle even after it stopped, eventually I start to lash out.

I often end up hitting my head because I want to tear out the feeling or I'll hit my bed or lash around and close my eyes really tight in an attempt to almost fling the feeling out of my body. Sometimes I cry and can't stop myself, sometimes it even feels like more than pressure in my head, it feels like my brain is burning somehow, just on fire in a weird way.

Sometimes it's a lot more subtle. Sometimes instead of lashing out, I maintain control over the feeling just enough to lash out at myself rather than the environment at all. But lash out still none the less. Or I'm able to somehow be on the verge of a meltdown but still manage to calm down.

Some people during a meltdown become self injurious like myself, some people become aggressive to others trying to help, oftentimes if that's the case I find it's because the other person is in some way adding more sensory stimulation in a way that isn't helpful to the person and so it's an attempt to prevent more of the stimulation.

I'm lucky and rarely have full meltdowns myself and more often just have a difficult time processing something where I'll just do one of the things on the list below or sometimes I'm able to just let it pass and be okay.

All that said, I haven't had too much experience with others having meltdowns except very infrequently but some things I notice about my own and some others I've seen or that I can think of that might help describe what it "looks like" would be the following

Cupping hands over ears to block out noise

Closing eyes tightly in an effort to escape light

Shaking or flailing body to try and "throw" a feeling out of the body.

Intensely stimming in an effort to replace a certain stimulation with a more pleasant one in hopes of calming myself down

Hitting my head

Humming loudly to try and hear that noise rather than another

Squeezing my hands as tight as I possibly can

Hitting any part of my body like my chest or legs repeatedly

Rocking back and forth, usually with eyes squeezed shut and hands over ears

Isolating in a dark space or corner

I hope that was helpful and explains decently enough 💜 thanks for the question.

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: *feels safe and comfortable inside my room*

Person: you should go outside more

Me: outside is hard sensory wise and I don't have any idea how to interact with the world or be safe outside

Person: surely it can't be that hard

Me: look...

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: *interacting with special interest in some way*

Person: why do you like *special interest* so much ?

Me: that would take a long time to explain and people get mad at that

Person: that's okay, I have time

Me: *infodumps about special interest which takes a while*

Person: *annoyed and frustrated*

Me, internally: ???

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: *tries to connect with someone*

Also me: *can only connect about a few things related to things I'm interested in or know about, like my special interests*

Person: *brings up something not related to those sets of things*

Me: *immediately fails miserably at the conversation or can't relate which becomes painfully obvious*

Result: *accidentally ends up pushing people away*

Or alternatively...

Person: *brings up something not related to those sets of things*

Me: *tries to steer the conversation towards something I understand but fails miserably at directing subtly*

Result: *accidentally ends up pushing people away*

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: *tries casually greeting someone*

Brain: Just say "How are you doing ?" or "How's it going ?" Or "What's up ?"

Me: Hey, how are you going ?

Also me: What's going?

Still me: How's it doing?

Brain: ... Look, I don't know what happened either

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: Finds a new thing I find interesting and makes me happy

Brain: Obsession?

Me: Please no, just moderation this one time?

Brain: Moderate to severe obsession, got it

Me: Oh. Okay then, guess this is how I live for the next few weeks / months

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: gets super excited and begins flapping my hands and tapping my chest legs and head

Also me: begins to tap / slap / hit myself WAY too hard

Me @ brain:

My brain:

[bouquetofoddities]

Me: *starts feeling sensory overload*

Me: Oh I know I'll grab my headphones and listen to some nice music that always helps!

Me: *puts on headphones and turns on music*

Me: *immediately becomes more overloaded by the thing that usually helps*

Me:

(I forgot where I got the picture from or I'd link it)

[bouquetofoddities]

Criticising My Special Interests...

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Question for some neurotypicals out there: Why do you do this?

Question for autistic people / ADHD people: Does this happen to you a lot as well?

I love interacting with my special interests. They mean a lot to me, and I know a lot about them. They make me happy, and they help me converse about things I enjoy with other people and I hope they / you learn something or enjoy it too.

So why is it always treated as a negative thing when I speak about the things that I love when you ask? Why is it a bad thing to know a lot about these things? Why do they seem to not care when I share happily and bounce around or giggle or rock back and forth?

Why can't you be happy that I'm happy?

And why is it that you have to criticise my interest while I'm in the middle of enjoying it and interacting with it being happy? Why does caring deeply about something make me weird to you?

I'm enjoying something that means a lot to me, and I would never do that to you if you were enjoying something you love, I'd be happy for you! Even if I didn't understand why you like it so much. Because you're happy!

Just because I don't express emotions typically or maybe have trouble getting myself to stop when I tell you about something I love when you ask doesn't mean you have to suddenly be impolite and mean to me or anything.

Why would you ask if you don't want to know?

This happens every once in a while, people just bashing things I love because it annoys them somehow, and it's hard for me to understand why.

[bouquetofoddities]

Ignorant Phrases

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"Don't use your autism as an excuse."

Insert anything into the blank.

Hearing this ruins my day. It makes me so angry! It's a disability. I don't use it as an excuse.

I just have difficulty doing something or actually don't have the ability to do something at the time because of difficulties with my autism.

If I try my hardest my VERY hardest to do something that's immensely difficult for me and I pull it off or do it it's just used as a way to say "See! Don't let your autism hold you back!"

This is just a way to now avoid acommadating me in any way or diminishing how difficult a task or something truly is or was for me all so I can convenience you in some way or so you don't have to help at all when I need it because "I've done it before"

And besides that the idea that you assume I'd use my autism as an excuse instead of just believing that I have immense difficulty with something because of my disability is complete garbage!

I don't have to use it as an excuse because I actually struggle with the things I say I do believe it or not! Why would you just up and assume I'm lying?

And I understand some people have said it to me in an "encouraging" context saying that I'm capable of something sometimes but instead of just acommadating me or helping me it's just a way of subtly saying to get over it and just do it already is almost always how it seems to be used if it isn't just blatant "just do it and don't let that disability you have disable you" as if I have a choice.

I don't use my autism as an excuse or for sympathy points or for anything like that and I'm tired of being told to not let it hold me back in some contexts as if I can just poof it away or something.

Disabilities and difficulties and needing help or understanding doesn't just poof away like magic.

Don't say that to autistic people. Don't say anything similar to anyone who's struggling or has a disability or anything!

It's not brought up as an excuse. It's brought up because it's relevant in explaining the difficulty we are having and getting the help we need and making others understand, not to avoid doing things or anything like that!