Brandon Burkhart's Brainstorms

It's raining ken, hallelujah!

[thechaserhumormagazine-blog]

Conservative Coachella owner Philip Anschutz created a spinoff festival!

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New Pixar Films:

An Unwanted Hug's Life Molesters, Inc. CREEP-E Felt Up Nono Firing Memo

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Happy Independence Day Resurgence!

The Revolutionary War gets a lot of attention, but in some ways, the War of 1812 was even more fascinating.  It's the Independence Day Resurgence to our Independence Day.  Hollywood needs to finally make a blockbuster War of 1812 movie.

A bearded, grizzled John Adams (Bill Pullman and/or Paxton): "The Redcoats, they're coming back."

Thomas Jefferson (Jeff Goldblum): "We had 36 years to prepare for this. We never had a chance."

Adams: "We didn't last time, either."

Jefferson, as British troops set the White House on fire: "They like to get the landmarks!"

[brandonkburkhart]

Personal Growth

20TH CENTURY VERSION OF FINDING YOURSELF: Nine-month motorcycle trip through South America.

21ST CENTURY VERSION OF FINDING YOURSELF: Accidentally left phone at home for three hours.

[brandonkburkhart]

Punk-tuation

Punctuation makes a huge difference:

You're in the winners circle, jerk.

vs.

You're in the winners’ circle jerk.

[brandonkburkhart]

Trump Gets Dumped

When Donald Trump is dumped by a corporation, he turns into one of my ex-girlfriends:

"Well I was about to dump you, anyway.  You're not so great.  In retrospect, you're terrible and I always hated you!  My friends hate you, too!  They've been begging me to leave you.  I should've listened to them.  No, I'm not crying.  There's something in my eye.  Feel free to call me if you change your mind.  Until then, go to Hell!  Like you can do any better!  You'd take me back in a heartbeat if I asked.  I miss you.  Just kidding, fuck you!  (I miss you.)  The Mexican government put you up to this, didn't they?"

(My ex had an odd habit of working foreign governments into our relationship discussions.)

[brandonkburkhart]

Waiting to Pass Gass

It seems like every time I go to the gas station lately, I’m stuck in line behind the guy who’s decided he wants to take up residence there.  He parks his car at the pump, then heads inside.  I think, well, he’ll pay for his gas then come out in a minute.  But then, I swear, ten minutes pass by — which feels like twenty minutes when you’re sitting in an idling car. What’s he doing in there?  I watch the other lines move steadily while I’m in petroleum purgatory.  My incredible luck has put me behind the guy who’s decided he needs to: 1.) take a dump; 2.) buy a handful of scratch-off lottery tickets and then scratch them all off; 3.) get the world’s worst hot dog and carefully apply ketchup, mustard, chili, and relish in a geometric pattern that approximates a map of the human genome; and 4.) take another dump. After an eternity, he comes back out to his car.  Yay, Christmas is saved!  This train is rolling again, right?  Nope, he has trouble swiping his debit card.  The machine rejects it a dozen times.  Finally, he gets it to work and starts pumping.  And pumping.  And pumping.  Does his Honda Civic have multiple gas tanks in hidden inside the first tank, like Russian nesting dolls?  Is it like a cow that has four stomachs?  He’s almost done when … oops, he forget to clean his front windshield.  And his rear windshield.  And his side view mirrors.  Then he stops to clean his eyeglasses for good measure. At last he pulls away … and another car swoops out of nowhere to cut in front of me.  Screw it, I’ll just start using the overpriced gas station five blocks away, where there’s never a line.

[brandonkburkhart]

“Yes” Means “Yes!”

Has this happened to anyone else? This has happened to me a couple times now -- I've been invited to an event. It's something I totally want to do. I'll tell the inviter, "Yay!" or "Sounds awesome!" or "Can't wait!" or "So cool! Fun!" And then a few days later the person says "I went ahead and cancelled Event X because you didn't seem that excited about it."

Was I supposed to: a.) send daily texts and emails expressing my unbridled joy about the event;

b.) do cartwheels and set off fireworks;

c.) take out an ad in Variety expressing my enthusiasm about the occasion;

d.) send flowers and chocolates and a singing telegram to express my thanks; or 

e.) assume everybody has Asperger's and therefore cannot comprehend basic human emotions?

Is this an LA thing? Does everyone have such fragile egos that they require constant reassurance?

[brandonkburkhart]

I finally did it!  I now have defined abs!

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abs

[brandonkburkhart]

Child of the ‘80s PTSD

People who grew up during the Great Depression are known for being thrifty for the rest of their lives because in the back of their minds, they’re always worried they’ll go broke and starve to death.  As a child of the ‘80s, to this day, I always eat ghosts every chance I get because I never know when my power pellet with wear off and the ghosts will stop flashing and start chasing me again.

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Wow, this video will change your life. You'll never look at movies the same way again!!! "Wake Up Sheeple: 2015 Academy Awards"

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Foolproof Dating Advice for Men

Guys are totally clueless when it comes to getting a girlfriend. The secret is, you don't chase women; instead you patiently wait for them to chase you.

Here's the foolproof plan . . . DON'T DATE. Just focus on eating healthy, exercising, and enjoying a stress-free existence. Then when you're 80 years-old, most of the other men in your peer group will be dead. You'll have your pick of the all 75-95 year-old ladies in your area! In fact, if you can still walk, drive, and remember things, they'll be FIGHTING over YOU! It’s just good science.

See, it's all about sacrificing instant gratification in order to achieve the long-term payoff. Try it, you'll thank me later. Well, actually, I’ll most likely be worm food by the time you’re drowning in gray pubes. You can just write a thank you note on my tombstone.

[brandonkburkhart]

Home, Lame Home

Here's an insight into how lame my hometown is. I swear, the number one response to "What's a fun place to go or a fun thing to do in San Antonio?" is "Drive up to Austin." Just overheard this convo at LAX:

TOURIST HEADED TO SAN ANTONIO: You live in San Antonio?

SAN ANTONIO RESIDENT: Yeah.

TOURIST HEADED TO SAN ANTONIO: It's our first time. We're going to take the kids to see the Alamo, stuff like that.

SAN ANTONIO RESIDENT: That'll be fun.*

TOURIST HEADED TO SAN ANTONIO: What's a good place to eat in San Antonio? Like a place nobody knows about. I think we'll be in the mood for barbecue."

SAN ANTONIO RESIDENT: (long, thoughtful pause) Well, if you want to drive up an hour north of town, there's a great place called Franklin's in Austin. People love it.

TOURIST HEADED TO SAN ANTONIO: (disappointed) We've already been to Austin. We're not leaving San Antonio. Never mind, I'm sure we'll figure something out.

[*Note: There's nothing fun about the Alamo. It's the site of a massacre. People are always disappointed at how small it is. There's no basement. You can look at old muskets and a Bowie knife. It's the kind of place fifth graders are forced to visit on a field trip.]

[thehiggsweldon]

By Brandon Burkhart

If you spend enough time at low-class establishments where people use alcohol to numb the pain of their sad lives (e.g. Chuck E. Cheese), at some point, an easily-offended hothead is going to try starting a fight, just because you looked at his girl the wrong way or you...

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Coffee is for posers

1994: I have a big meeting today.  I better wear my power tie. 2014: I have a big meeting today.  I better wear my power cargo shorts.

[brandonkburkhart]

Apple Takes U2 Out for Launch

After Apple CEO Tim Cook announced the iPhone 6, iWatch, and iButtPlug, special musical corporate shill U2 performed their new single and launched their new album Songs of Innocence while The Edge debuted his new skullcap. 

Below is the track listing:

Sellouts Bloody Sellouts

New Gear's Day

Still Haven't Found What I'm Shopping For

With or Without Updates

iDesire

Mi-Siri-ous Ways

Market the Blue Sky

One Brand

No Pride (In the Name of Launch)

All I Want Is For You to Buy Apple Products

Even Better Than the Android Version

Tryin' to Wrap an iWatch Around Your Wrist

[brandonkburkhart]

On Joan Rivers and Mortality

Sidenote to the Joan Rivers tributes: I'm surprised by the number of people who say she went "before her time."  I'm also kind of jealous of those who genuinely think of 81 as "not that old."  That's a really long life, folks.  Is Betty White skewing the public perception of the average lifespan?  Do you personally assume you're going to end up as a spry 90 year-old?   Spoiler Alert:  Half of you reading this will never be 81.  If someone told me right now I would have a full, active life and then die at 76, I'd be pretty darn satisfied by that.  Especially if when I shuffled off this mortal coil, my physical and mental energy was still as high as Joan Rivers' was.  You think Joan would've been happier if she'd made it to 95 and was stuck in a wheelchair or on a respirator, or in constant fear of falling down and breaking her hip? I'm not saying Joan was lucky she went into surgery and never woke up again.  My point is, we can be sad she's gone and celebrate her accomplishments without feeling terrible about the fact she was "only" 81.  After all, she outlived Robin Williams by 18 years.