Breathe in and write

short poems and thoughts

[breatheinandwrite]

Red flags I should not have ignored

On our first meeting he was wearing white trousers

He told me he was a nice guy

He made me laugh

He asked me out 3 days after our first meeting

He forgot his wallet on our first date

He was a theater kid

He was 5'10 yet played basketball

He would never call me first

He told me that I was a better person than him

He told me that I was heartless

He told me that I didnt love him enough

He didn't listen when I expressed my feelings

He spoke over me

He left me in a car park at midnight after an argument

He didn't respect my boundaries

He didn't listen when I said no

He told me I was being dramatic

He did it again

[breatheinandwrite]

Its okay if you aren’t happy at this time of the year. Life is hard and fairy lights and gifts sometimes only succeed in masking the pain.

- christmas

[breatheinandwrite]

And the physical pain was a paper cut compared with the broken bones of my mind. But the paper cut was all that was seen and so my mind remained broken.

[breatheinandwrite]

You made me numb and then told me to feel.

[breatheinandwrite]

The red flags were there like flashing lights but I was unable to see them until our relationship had faded to its night but now they are painted on my skin. Large keep out signs to all who brave coming near and they ask me why my heart is closed but these red flags they will not be ignored again.

[breatheinandwrite]

Helping people who are struggling with mental health is sometimes hard because I simultaneously want to tell them its okay to do nothing today and feel sad but also want to shake them and tell them they can do anything and are amazing.

[breatheinandwrite]

I think its amazing that no one knows who you are but you. No one else knows the stories you create, the feelings you have at 3am, the song stuck in your head, your favourite childhood book. So stop allowing people to tell you what you should be or what you are because they don't know.

[breatheinandwrite]

Sometimes I feel so sad about what happened and what it has taken for me. Not angry just so sad that this is now me. Trauma has changed me for the worse.

[breatheinandwrite]

A lot of people are sharing advice today and a lot of that is telling you to reach out for help. This is important however I know that this can feel impossible at times.

My advice is to write your feelings, thoughts, fears or secrets down. Write down the worst things you are thinking. The power they hold is lessened when its outside your mind.

Mental illness wants you to feel isolated, make friends with your journal.

[breatheinandwrite]

Enough said.

[breatheinandwrite]

Post sexual assault I needed to be able to become numb to dissociate from the world and my feelings. To control myself. To distract from the trauma.

But now I need to live to feel the joy and the pain.

Living in fear, in the freeze response is no way to live.

[breatheinandwrite]

This is something I have to remind myself everyday because that night I was trapped. I was not able to escape and that is a feeling that doesn't leave the body easily. It stays with you.

[breatheinandwrite]

Trauma lives in the body, dancing allows your body to free itself.

There is a certain joy in movement.

I have often not felt like dancing but tonight I will, for myself, for my freedom.

[breatheinandwrite]

When I was in a relationship where I was told I was wrong all the time it became easy to believe that I as a person was just wrong.

Now I know that is not true. I am someone with strengths and weakness, I am many things.

I have value and worth.

Allow yourself to live without so much self hate.

❤❤

[breatheinandwrite]

For a long time after my assault I have been stuck in emotional numbness.

This is my body's reaction to trauma, my freeze response.

But I don't need to live frozen in fear anymore I have grown.

So everytime I feel something that isn't numbness or fear I celebrate it.

Joy and sadness and everything in-between.

I deserve those emotions they show healing and growth and reveal who I am away from my trauma.

[breatheinandwrite]

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[breatheinandwrite]

I should be angry at you but in reality I am just angry at myself for letting it happen.

And I'm angry for not blaming you. I'm angry at myself for caring about you. Angry for staying for so long.

I'm so angry but just not at you and that is hard.