Note: sorry in advance for the ‘amazing’ pun and the burn about dan exploiting the elderly. this was written for the Phandom Countdown to 2016
Rating: PG-13 (for swearing) it’s all fluff though
Trigger Warning: there’s swearing and the briefest mention of someone whose husband has passed away (ms. johnson in 1203). there's nothing graphic and all it says in relation is that her husband passed away the previous year
Summary: Phil doesn’t know what to do about the boy next door who keeps stealing his chocolates. He really has no choice but to confront him. After all, chocolates are a serious business.
Word Count: 2048, like the videogame I didn't even plan this
It was ‘the most wonderful time of the year’. There were children singing carols in their old honda mini-vans and teenagers pretending not to give a shit about a holiday they obviously loved. There were parents buying their children gifts they were sure they’d love and couples finding the perfect present for their other half. There was almost always a general aura of happiness that surrounded everything.
The time that surrounded Christmas was one of Phil’s favorite times of the year. He always spent the months before Christmas awaiting the time for peppermint mochas and gingerbread lattes. He loved purchasing new baubles and tinsel for his small but homely Christmas tree. He also loved carefully decorating each and every spare space in his small London apartment. He enjoyed hanging mini-wreaths and mistletoe on every empty doorframe.
When the holiday time rolled around it was safe to say that Phil got a bit out of hand. He went crazy with Christmas spirit. He lived in an apartment building so he, unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, couldn’t very well string Christmas lights everywhere. Instead he placed the largest wreath he could on his front door and a large bowl of peppermint chocolates right outside that he figured would last until Christmas was over.
However when Phil went outside to check on his bowl he was shocked to see that all of the candies were missing. Not a single chocolate remained. The only thing left in the bowl was one of the candy wrappers which only made Phil all the more angry. How dare some lowlife steal all of his peppermint candies and leave only a wrapper in their wake! He was sure it was someone in his apartment building as he lived on the twelfth floor and nobody would go through all the trouble of either riding the creaky, likely to break any second elevator or climbing up the equally creaky and likely to break stairs.
Phil knew most of his neighbors and didn’t suspect many of them. There was Ms. Johnson whose husband had died the previous year, she lived in apartment 1203. There was Mr. and Mrs. Garcia and their one year old, Lucy, who lived in apartment 1208. There was Martin and Derek Patterson, the insanely healthy gay couple who lived next door to Phil in apartment 1204. There was PJ & Chris. They lived next door to each other, in 1205 and 1206, and had been skirting around dating since they’d each moved in. Almost everyone in the building had bets running on them. Phil knew that PJ was lactose intolerant so that ruled him out.
That left the only likely suspect, Howell. Phil had only met Howell a couple times since he’d moved in. He lived in the apartment across from Phil, 1210. Phil couldn’t quite recall his first name but he knew it began with a ‘D’. It was David or Dwayne or something of the sort. He didn’t know Howell at all and he wasn’t even sure that he ate chocolate but there was something that made Phil absolutely certain that he was stealing the chocolates.
So Phil did what any sensible grown up would do. He camped outside his own flat waiting for Howell to arrive so he could catch him in the act. There were many flaws in his plan. The first being that Howell would obviously not try and steal the chocolates with Phil sitting on them liking a flipping mother bird. The second being that Phil was wearing a big old blanket on top of him and from Howell’s point of view most likely looked like a homeless person trying to eat all the chocolates. The third problem was that Phil tended to go to sleep, like a normal person, at around 22:00. However, it seemed that Howell only got back to his apartment at 2:00 the next day. So when he arrived back home what he found was a big pile of blankets that presumably held a person.
The next day when Phil woke up he was sitting outside of his apartment and he found, much to his chagrin, that his chocolates were gone once again. So he decided that he would have a little chat with Howell. Well, he’d have a chat after he had some breakfast and took a shower. It was 9:04 when Phil knocked on Howell’s door, freshly showered and full. The door was opened by a boy who was far too energetic for 9:00 in the morning. The boy had bright blonde hair and shining blue eyes framed by big hipster glasses. Phil couldn’t remember Howell having blonde hair, blue eyes, or glasses but then again, he didn’t see him that often. “Oh, hello! I’m your neighbor from next door, Phil.”
The boy blinked, seemingly confused for a moment. Phil stood there in silence. Then the boy seemed to remember something, “Oh! You’re Phil. You’re not my neighbor.”
It was Phil’s turn to be confused, “But you live right next door to me..?”
“I don’t,” the boy said. “Dan does. This is his apartment. Sorry, I probably confused you, didn’t I?” Dan! Phil had a mental ‘aha’. His neighbor’s name was Dan. Dan Howell. Dan Howell, the guy who blasted Kanye West too loudly for Phil’s liking at 4 am.
“I’m Tyler though. Nice to meet you,” the boy said, pointedly holding his hand out for Phil to shake.
“Nice to meet you, as well,” Phil said, shaking Tyler’s hand as enthusiastically as he could muster.
“Dan!” Tyler yelled. Suddenly, standing next to Tyler was the most heart wrenchingly gorgeous human Phil had ever laid eyes on. He probably wasn’t even human. Phil pondered when his life had become the subject of a cliché teen novel. He had dark brown hair and caramel eyes. He also had a slight smirk that Phil thought was extremely unfair.
“Hey,” ‘Dan’ coughed, looking at Phil. “Is this a noise complaint? It was probably 1203.”
“Ms. Johnson?” Phil asked with furrowed eyebrows.
“Shit. You know who lives there then,” Dan said, biting his finger at the joint.
“Yeah. By the way, it’s not nice to use the elderly in an attempt to save yourself.”
Dan rolled his eyes before furrowing his eyebrows, “Why’re you here if you’re not here for the noise complaint?”
Phil made sure ‘Tyler’ wasn’t in the doorway as he didn’t want to embarrass Dan before beginning his confrontation, “Well, firstly you really should stop blasting Kanye at 4 in the morning. But the reason I came here is that I know you’ve been stealing my peppermint candies.”
“Why do you leave them out on your doorstep if you don’t want people to eat them?” Dan exclaimed, indignantly.
“Well, yeah, they’re to eat. But you’re just supposed to take one,” Phil said defensively.
Dan seemed even more confused than he had been before, “I do only take one.”
“Look, every day I have to refill the bowl and I’ve ruled out everyone else. It has to be you, Dan.”
Dan looked affronted, “I’m astonished that you’d even think to make some claims. It wasn’t me.” Then he shut the door in Phil’s face.
Phil huffed out a breath, blowing his fringe out of his face. He turned around to look at the bowl of chocolates, still full. ‘Fine,’ he thought. 'This means war.’
The next time Phil put out the candy chocolates he put a small amount of blue food coloring on them. He put a small dab on each chocolate, whoever next ate them would wind up with a blue tongue and a whole lot of explaining to do. He then went shopping.
When Phil came back he noted that all of the chocolates were gone. He started at one end of the hallway, making smalltalk with each of his neighbors in order to catch a glimpse of blue. It was all to no avail until he reached apartment 1205. He knocked on the door and grinned when he saw Chris. “Hey Chris!”
Chris smiled and Phil realized once and for all who the culprit had been. Chris’s mouth and teeth were stained an awful blue color, presumably from all of the chocolates he’d eaten. Phil narrowed his eyes, “Chris Kendall, how dare you!”
Chris’s eyes widened, obviously not expecting to have been caught in the act, he tried to lie but Phil saw right through him, “How dare I what?”
“How dare you eat all of my peppermint chocolates!” Phil exclaimed, annoyed beyond belief.
“And I got mad at Dan, Jesus Christ,” Phil said, putting his face in his hand. Any possible chances he had of even being Dan’s friend were probably nonexistent.
“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal to you, Phil. I won’t eat the whole bowl anymore. Dan’s not really the type to do that kind of thing, anyways. He gets all social justice-y and shit,” Chris said.
“Well that would have been useful before I dashed any chance of knowing Dan,” Phil said, pouting.
“Is it that big of a deal to you?” Chris asked, suspiciously.
“Yes. It is that big of a deal to me. I like to know all of my neighbors,” Phil said defensively. Even Phil knew he was acting like a toddler.
“Then just talk to him,” Chris said, rolling his eyes. “You’re making this overly complicated, Phil.”
Phil narrowed his eyes, “You’re one to talk, Chris. All you do is steal peppermint candies and pine over PJ.”
Chris sighed, “Just go talk to him. Dan’s pretty understanding.”
Phil let out a deep breath, “Alright, fine.”
- “I love you, Peej.” “I love you too, Chris.” -
“Philip,” Dan said, leaning casually against the door. It wasn’t fair, that he got to be all gorgeous just be leaning on a goddamn wall. Phil didn’t get to be as gorgeous. In fact, he was just standing in front of the door with his mouth open like a goddamn moron.
“I’m sorry,” Phil said, the words rushing out of his mouth. “It was wrong of me to accuse you of stealing chocolates.”
“Damn straight,” Dan said, indignantly which caused Phil to giggle -ahem- chuckle. Phil coughed awkwardly hoping that Dan hadn’t noticed the rather embarrassing giggle. He somehow ended up choking on his own spit and rather embarrassingly almost choked to death.
“Holy shit, are you okay?” Dan asked rushing towards Phil, worry clear in his eyes.
Phil nodded, “Yeah. Me? I’m fine, great, awesome, superb, amazing even.”
“Right. You were saying?” Dan asked, resuming his aesthetically pleasing nonplussed position at the door.
“Well, I just wanted to cordially say that I’m sorry and I’ll never accuse you of stealing peppermint chocolates again,” Phil said, pausing to confirm that Dan was okay with him continuing.
Dan nodded and Phil took that as confirmation, “I also thought that maybe we could hang out sometime. You know, if you’re free and if you have nothing to do. I mean not to assume that you’d have nothing to do and I only just apologized after all so I completely understand if-”
Phil was cut off by Dan’s lips against his own. He could feel Dan fighting a smile and when they finally pulled apart he could see the smirk on Dan’s face. “Mistletoe. From the nargals,” Dan said, smiling at Phil.
“Oh. They’re not that bad if they put that there.”
“I suppose they'really not. Anyway, I’d love to hang out with you sometime, Phil.”
“Oh. Okay. Well, can’t wait to see you then!” Phil said as he turned to leave. He didn’t have Dan’s phone number but that didn’t really matter seeing as they literally lived ten feet away from each other.
Dan let out an exasperated yet fond sigh, “My God, Phil. I meant now.” He looked at Phil as though he either couldn’t believe how dense he was or he couldn’t believe how dorky he was.
Phil grinned, “Oh! Right now? That’s great.” Dan rolled his eyes at Phil, although the smile on his face remained firmly in place.
And when Dan dragged Phil into his apartment by his jacket he couldn’t help but think that it really was the most wonderful time of the year.
