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#extradirty
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@buriedinburgundy
Yuna showing Ilya photos of little baby Shane and they get to a photo of a naked two year old Shane grinning at the camera, shirt held up in his triumphant chubby fist. Yuna smiles and tells him how hard it was to keep clothes on Shane and that he’d rip them off whenever they weren’t looking. Without thinking Ilya says “so not much has changed, huh?” and then freezes because he can’t believe he just said that in front of his boyfriend’s mom until Yuna laughs so hard she spills her wine.
online fandom is so fun because we’ll be talking about very serious character moments and analyzing them and stuff and there will be a lull in the discussion and someone will be like “and then they fuck about it” and then we’re all like yeah and then they fuck about it
online fandom is so fun because we’ll be talking about very serious character moments and analyzing them and stuff and there will be a lull in the discussion and someone will be like “and then they fuck about it” and then we’re all like yeah and then they fuck about it
i miss u so much (pre ai internet)
Ilya after an Ottawa vs Boston game “Sorry boys, I can’t go out tonight. The old ball and chain wants me home.”
“…You mean Hollzy?”
“First of all, Shane would never chain me down, he picks me up he is the wind beneath my wings. He is the light of my life my moon and my stars. He doesn’t bring me down, he raises me up. Don’t you dare ever fucking suggest that again. I meant Cliff Marlow. We’re cooking him dinner.”
when someone is completely fucking wrong about your blorbo but you don't want to argue about what basically boils down to opinions about shit that doesn't matter so you just sit there like
"that guy's wrong tho"
you get it
I know we joke about it all the time but hotel room walls are...GENUINELY very thin. The bit in the HR novel where Shane and Ilya fuck in the shower so that the water drowns out the sounds actually rang as extremely accurate to me. Like, the lack of boundaries that must exist not just for the Centaurs but for ANYBODY who spends a significant amount of time sharing hotel room walls with their teammates is just unbelievable.
Like, on any given roadie the people sharing walls with the Hollanovs can expect to overhear:
- One side of phone calls between Shane and his mother where every third word is FUCK and Shane's voice gets higher the more he works himself up about whatever league drama is pissing him off that week
- Ilya yelling in Russian (Non sex reasons) (He and Svetlana are talking about Matheson in Colorado. Again.)
- Ilya gets hay fever real bad in Seattle and spends an entire night sneezing at EAR SPLITTING volume, each sneeze followed by a, "AHH!" from Shane as he is startled awake. Again.
- The Christmas wish lists of every Pike child and how they're going to be divvy'd up for the year. This conversation takes place in September.
- "I'm telling you, the penalty kill could be a work of fucking art if Haas--oh fuck, right there, don't stop--"
- As stated before, an objectively obnoxious amount of showering is happening. At one point LaPointe turns to Bood and says something to the effect of, "Crazy that Hollander takes TWO showers after every game, I guess he really is superstitious," and Bood just. Chooses not to engage.
- A thunderous and almighty BANG. This is the sound of Ilya's suitcase hitting the floor after it inevitably slides off the bed.
- "Shaaaaane, look at the livestream from the dog hotel--look at how cute! She is so sleepy, she's holding her banana like a baaaaby--"
- Vin Diesel's voice, unimaginably loud, at one AM
- Russian Yelling (Non sex reasons) (Sasha did something stupid)
- "Unh unh unh UNH UNH UNH--" (Squeak. Squeak.)
- Celtics game. Twenty minutes beforehand: "Fuck, Shane, how do I get ESPN on the stupid--Roku stick thing--"
- "Okay, look, your dad played the word veer--is not real word, right? Like, deer with a V? It's real? Shane, we can't let your dad win--no, it's not cheating, he gets Yuna's help--"
- Stuff about Rose Landry's upcoming film that they should probably all sign NDAs for even thinking about.
- Russian Yelling (Sex reasons. Probably. It sounds...ardent.)
- One time, for an entire night, silence. The day immediately preceeding this night and the morning immediately after are best left unspoken about.
- The sound of Shane's fuckass electric toothbrush for WAY too long. Seriously man it cannot be healthy to brush your teeth for that lo--oh. Got it. Okay. Where are my earbuds.
- "I mean, it's not like I'm sixteen anymore, right? It's just that sometimes I think she looks at me and sees a fucking kid still, and I get it, I get it--and fuck, babe, I know it's not fair to feel this way, she's the only mom I'll ever have, and you don't even--ugh--"
- "I'm so terribly sorry the hotel misplaced your bags, Mister Rozanov. If there's any way that we can...make it up to you..." [Giggle. Kissing sound. Kissing sound. Moan.]
- Banging on the wall and, "KEEP IT DOWN, ROOK," the one. Singular. Time. That Holmberg manages to pull on their West Coast roadie. Which may or may not be the beginning of his villain origin story.
Supernatural - 10.03 | “Soul Survivor”
@sunforgrace I snorted
I know I've talked about Ilya being frustrated he can't brag about pulling Shane but you know who else would be frustrated about not being able to brag? Yuna Hollander would be so frustrated that she basically has the two best hockey players in the world in her family and she can't even bring up that now she has TWO sons in the mlh and oh what is your son up to Sharon? Hmm that sounds rough that you have to send him money every month. She's in meetings, maybe there are other players agents and managers and they try to bond by putting down Rozanov and she wants to go "your client couldn't even touch Ilya's points per game. Don't fucking talk about one of my boys." and she's so pissed off by the interaction she gets that player removed from the brand deal.
I know I've talked about Ilya being frustrated he can't brag about pulling Shane but you know who else would be frustrated about not being able to brag? Yuna Hollander would be so frustrated that she basically has the two best hockey players in the world in her family and she can't even bring up that now she has TWO sons in the mlh and oh what is your son up to Sharon? Hmm that sounds rough that you have to send him money every month. She's in meetings, maybe there are other players agents and managers and they try to bond by putting down Rozanov and she wants to go "your client couldn't even touch Ilya's points per game. Don't fucking talk about one of my boys." and she's so pissed off by the interaction she gets that player removed from the brand deal.
After playing in LA, Rose takes the Cens out to party. The rookies are besides themselves, Wyatt geeks out so hard that he gets to meet more actors who play superheroes, Luca gets hit on by three different models and takes at least one of them up on it, and Ilya let's out his inner club rat and is just enjoying being in a good club. Shane goes along to spend time with Rose and make sure no one pukes in front of a camera again (looking at you, Holmberg!). Ilya, Shane and Rose end up leaving together. They’re all a little tipsy—the club had good Russian vodka, so Ilya had a lot and Rose joined him to “bond” and Shane indulged in a few beers which he still doesn’t do a lot during the season even though he’s more relaxed about his diet now, so they’re all not entirely sober. Outside of the club, they’re a little loud which draws enough attention that people recognize them—well, let’s be real, they mostly recognize Rose although someone says “isn’t that the gay baseball player from that Calvin Klein ad?” when they see Shane—and several people start filming. Which is of course when Rose’s heel breaks and she lands ass over teakettle on the sidewalk.
Shane and Ilya are immediately concerned and Rose tries to wave them off, “my heel just broke, guys,” and Shane says, “you broke your foot?” and Rose laughs and says “no, my heel” and waves her broken shoe around, the red sole glinting in the light. “Why are you wearing fucking low quality shoes?” Shane asks, honestly confused, and Rose gasps, “Shane, they’re Louboutins!” And Shane very seriously says, “well, then Louboutins are fucking bad quality,” which has Ilya cackling because he definitely knows Louboutins, probably even owns a pair, and knows that they’re not low quality at all. But now there’s a video out there of Shane Hollander calling Louboutins low quality and that’s going to be a fun time on the internet. Then Shane helps Rose up and she wrinkles her nose and says, “ugh I hate walking barefoot in downtown LA,” and Ilya says, “don’t be ridiculous, we carry you,” and Rose is all, “oh piggy back ride,” and Shane says, scandalized, “you’re wearing like a miniskirt, everyone will see your ass if you do that,” and scoops her up bridal style. And then he carries her down two blocks to the sushi restaurant they chose for a late night snack and the video of that goes even more viral than Shane’s Louboutin critique.
My Shane is an enabler. He’s gonna roll his eyes and tell ilya to fuck himself, but he loves that shit. He’s icing Ilya injuries after a fight barely hiding the fact that he found it funny. He’s providing information for chirps. He’s joining in on the fun cause he loves his husband. Idk man I just don’t think Shane, who fell in love with the NHLs biggest asshole is gonna be annoyed when he’s being an asshole.
Does anyone else ever have a sort of phantom physical sense when there's something ready to paste in the clipboard. It feels like I've got something in my right hand and when I click ctrl-v I put it down.
i do think there’s a world where ilya tells cliff marleau about the friendship plan and cliff is like “well if ur cover story is friendship than we need to make ur reputation with friends super gay king” and ilya is like “bro … you would do that … for us …” and cliff is like “no worries big dawg”. because like, hollander doesn’t do the gay for the homies thing naturally, but if roz has a reputation, it won’t be weird if he does it in public even if hollsy doesn’t reciprocate. cliff is a genius.
anyway, that’s how the internet spends a year speculating that ilya rozanov and cliff marleau have explored each others bodies. they are so all over each other and constantly tweeting gay shit about each other that ilya’s time with shane barely even gets a second glance. the first time ilya drags shane out to meet cliff, a photo gets posted on twitter and everyone is like “poor shane having to third wheel these two #ally”.
obviously shane is gnawing on furniture because he’s so jealous, but the plan does work. and when they get outed, cliff works it into his best man speech.
once I snorted a fat line of nuance and everything started depending. watch out
i know in my heart that shane is the most obnoxious sick person of all time
not because he's a baby a la classic man cold
but because he will AGGRESSIVELY try to pretend he is not sick
he is trying to gaslight others but ALSO himself
he has a gold medal immune system thank you he did NOT get taken down by ill pikeling spreading Elementary School Plague to him
not happening
as an itty bitty he lied so he wouldn't have to skip hockey, and that has NOT changed as an adult
his true toxic trait is that he WILL be typhoid mary in that locker room if it means he doesn't have to stay home and miss playing
the majority of the struggle when shane is sick is just making him ADMIT he is sick
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