The Elizabeth Taylor Diet

My attempts to cook AND eat every recipe in Elizabeth Taylor's diet book.

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Exercise #1: Standing Up Straight

* Be sure to get a doctor's approval before attempting this exercise.

** That’s Liz's warning, not mine. You’re fine.

Elizabeth Taylor hated exercise (horseback riding and ballet apparently don’t count.) I also hate exercise! Liz and I, we’re both more into lounging than lunging. (Am I right, ladiez?!?) 

“I’m the product of an earlier age, an age when physical fitness was not considered essential to maintaining a good figure.” - Elizabeth Taylor

I used to try that line in high school to get out of gym class. It never worked. I can’t even believe that excuse worked for Liz, considering Marilyn Monroe’s daily routine: 

With sections like Aerobic Exercises - Are They For You? and Standing Straight, the exercises in Elizabeth Takes Off feel like they’re meant for very small children developing motor skills or the elderly. Liz was neither when she wrote this book. 

Exercise One: Standing Up For Yourself

“Slumping makes even a young woman look fatigued and defeated by life.”

According to Taylor’s doctor, this exercise should be done in the nude, facing a mirror. I think he was just hoping he’d walk in on her “exercising” one day. While looking at yourself in the mirror, imagine a vertical line is running all the way through the midpoint of your body. Make sure your weight is evenly distributed on both feet. And that’s it. That’s the whole exercise. I need a drink. 

Then she offers a visualization: 

First, pick a bright color. Then close your eyes and imagine five helium balloons in that color floating above your body. One is attached to the top of your head, one to each pectoral muscle, and one to the top of each hipbone. Get into the habit of associating your color with the imaginary balloons. Then as you go about your day, each time you see your color visualize the balloons pulling tautly and gently, but firmly, lifting your head, your chest, your hips. 

Liz claims that after a few weeks of trying this visualization, you’ll feel more graceful, confident, and younger. 

I tried this visualization at work last week. It was going well until a delivery man brought some actual balloons into office for a co-workers birthday and I had a existential crisis. 

Note: I’ll be sprinkling in some exercises while I save up for my next recipe review. (I don’t have the movie star income to afford swordfish or squab right now.) 

When I can, I’ll provide video of me doing the exercises... which should be GREAT when we get to the Aqua-Aerobics chapter. 

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Foil-Wrapped Barbecued Vegetables

It’s the middle of January, so let’s enjoy some barbecue, shall we? 

* By barbecue, I mean vegetables, cooked in an oven, covered in soy sauce. Has Elizabeth Taylor ever been to a barbecue? 

SPOILER ALERT: I’ve finally found an Elizabeth Taylor recipe I can (almost) get behind. 

Foil-Wrapped Barbecued Vegetables

¼ pound mushrooms, sliced

1/3 pound celeriac, cut into bite sized pieces

1 medium onion, coarsely chopped

1 teaspoon fresh thyme, finely chopped

1 teaspoon low-sodium soy sauce

Combine ingredients and place on a sheet of aluminum foil; fold foil to seal. Cook on barbecue grill or in moderate oven for 10-15 minutes. Don’t overcook; vegetables are best when slightly crunchy. 

Let’s talk about celeriac. 

From Wikipedia: 

Celeriac, also called turnip-rooted celery or knob celery, is a variety of celery cultivated for its edible roots, hypocotyl, and shoots. It is sometimes called celery root. It was mentioned in Homer’s Odyssey as selinon.

I found this monstrosity in the organic section of the supermarket. It was labeled “celery root.” I took one look at it and ran away into the comforting coolness of the ice cream section. But I came back for it. There was only one left, so it felt like it was meant for me. Who else would have bought it? Who else, aside from Frank Decaro, is eating like a dead celebrity? 

After reading a depressing article on celeriac preparation from Martha Stewart, I went in with the knife. 

And hacked away at the roots till I got something a little more manageable. The kitchen was heavy with the aroma of celery. I HATE celery. 

I cut the celery into thick strips (which) I forgot to photograph and slipped them into a foil envelope with the other ingredients. I popped them into the oven and went downstairs to discover that I had flooded the laundry room. (No innuendo intended.)

When I came back, my apartment actually smelled good! I suddenly was famished and couldn’t wait to open my steaming package. (Innuendo intended.)

Et, voila! Yes, it does look like garbage, doesn’t it? Now that it was cooked, I finally recognized that smelly celeriac. It’s often a “fancy restaurant” garnish mixed in with potatoes or vegetables.

The mushrooms were decadent. I wondered if I could survive off of nothing but soy sauce covered vegetables and tea and Nutella and still become skinny. 

The celeriac… wasn’t terrible. At first bite, it was intriguing, but that new taste and texture had the underlying aftertaste of celery. No thank you. 

Liz’s recipe warns the dieter not to overcook the vegetables… which I did. I think crunchy vegetables are a matter of taste… and it’s a taste I don’t like. When it comes to celery, the crunch can be more unpalatable than the taste… but I might just be a weirdo that needs to stick to celeriac. 

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Tuna Salad

Things I should be eating: raw vegetables, quinoa, grilled chicken. 

Things I'm actually eating: chocolate croissants, these delightful lime potato chips, alcohol. 

My diet resembles a depressed Elizabeth Taylor’s.  At least I’m too lazy to learn how to make fried chicken. 

I got overwhelmed with a new job and a more hectic schedule and I abandoned this Liz Taylor diet challenge because after a long day, the last thing I wanted to do was make myself a heaping grapefruit full of tuna mixed with tomato paste. Luckily for you (and not my stomach) I was alone with my self-hatred and an extra can of tuna fish this weekend. 

Tuna Salad

1 serving

3.5 once can water-packed tuna

1 teaspoon tomato paste

1.5 tablespoons Liz’s Special Mayonnaise (or commercial low-cal mayonnaise)

2 scallions, chopped

2 ribs celery, diced 

1/2 medium pink grapefruit

3-4 leaves lettuce

2 scallions, whole

EDITOR’S NOTE: ELIZABETH TAYLOR LOVES GARNISHES

Drain tuna and mash with a fork. Add tomato paste to mayonnaise, stir until well blended and combine, along with chopped scallions and celery, with tuna. Carefully remove grapefruit segments, discard whitish pith and add to tuna mixture. (Barf.) Reserve grapefruit shell. 

To assemble: Arrange lettuce leaves on plate, pile tuna mixture into grapefruit shell, and place shell on lettuce. 

When I wrote the XOJane article, a woman commented that she remembered her grandmother making this dish. My condolences go out to her, because this mixture is a pile of garbage. 

Tuna mixed with tomato paste and mayo isn't terrible. It's not my ideal mayo-based pinkish mixture (that's HAM SALAD, thank you very much) but it's edible. Adding raw celery, my number one enemy, adds just a touch of misery to the meal. If you're one of those people who claims celery adds a "pleasant crunch" to a meal, get out of my life.              

                                                                                                                          Let's talk grapefruit. It feels like a very 80's kind of health food. I have memories of grapefruit and cottage cheese and Weird Al's "Grapefruit Diet" song. Now, a lady on Youtube teaches people how to give grapefruit blow jobs.

It's bitter and sour... but healthy, so let's throw it into a tuna salad!

Liz is a big proponent of presenting food in an attractive way. She figures that you're more likely to eat a salad if it's placed on a golden plate. This is why the recipe instructs you to serve the tuna mixture in a hollowed out grapefruit... on top of a bed of lettuce that you will never eat.                                                                                                                        Guess what, Liz? Shit, even when served in a diamond encrusted goblet, still tastes like shit. 

The verdict? Life's too short and too precious to waste it eating this mess. It was so bad, I'm thinking about buying a DVD of National Velvet just so I can burn it.

 I hope these aren’t tuna. 

What do you all do when you’re busy and too tired to work out? How do you stay healthy and fight off the inevitable atrophy? 

If you answer, I MIGHT post the video of me eating this pescetarian disaster later this week. 

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When your Halloween costume from last year doesn’t fit any more... it’s time to go back on your diet. So a NEW (tuna related) RECIPE will be posted on Wednesday! 

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Spicy Chicken

In Los Angeles, it is perfectly acceptable to wear yoga pants to work. 

Pair black yoga pants with boots and a nice, longer shirt and jacket -- and you’re a high class business professional. It feels like you aren’t wearing pants, which is a total blessing when you’re trapped at your desk all day and don’t want your tummy being poked with the too-tight buttons on your pants. (It it just me that’s being attacked by my clothing? Am I just still too in denial to go up a size?) 

TOO BAD YOGA PANTS ARE THE ENEMY... according to Liz. 

“I know I’ll never again buy clothes with elastic waist bands. They’re dangerous because they allow you to put on pounds and feel comfortable. Don’t do it. One of the surest safe guards against gaining back the weight you’ve lost is dresses and skirts that pinch you if you become to casual about what you eat.” 

So my pinching jeans are just a super annoying safe guard designed to help me in my weight loss journey?! Phew! 

With my jeans trying to kill me, I returned to Liz’s diet book and cooked: 

Spicy Chicken

4 servings

2 teaspoons curry powder

1 teaspoon cumin

1/2 teaspoon turmeric

1/2 clove garlic, crushed

1 onion, chopped

1 teaspoon fresh ginger, grated

1 medium chicken, cut into serving pieces and skinned

Combine dry ingredients with garlic, onion, and fresh grated ginger. Coat chicken with mixture and refrigerate for 2 hours, preferably longer. (Or not at all, oops.) Place on moderately hot barbecue grill or broil in oven approximately 30 minutes or until done, turning once. 

*Note - I did not use any turmeric because that is an expensive spice that I would never use again. It was lucky had a stalk(?) or root(?) of “fresh” ginger left over from when I made a Chinese dish back in January. 

I actually have something good to say about this chicken. It was the juiciest piece of poultry that I have ever eaten and/or prepared. I am only just learning about the magical broiler on the bottom of the oven and I am in love. 

The compliments end there. 

For all those spices, the chicken itself is incredibly bland. The spices kind of hang out in the back of your throat in a way that lets you keep on tasting them all day long. After three bites, I felt ill. (If you’re too sick to finish your meal, you’ll never be fat, right?!) The apartment was thick with the smell of curry and I wished I was at an Indian Tandoori buffet.

Maybe next time will be a winner. I’m going to take Liz’s advice and “present my food more attractively.” She says I’ll be more inclined to eat something if it’s pretty, but she hasn’t been right about anything yet! 

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Liz Taylor Restaurant Review #1: Canter's Deli

I've been very busy and haven't had time to follow the diet.

But, since I live in Los Angeles, I CAN still eat like Elizabeth Taylor.

First stop on the tour of Classic Hollywood Haunts: Canter's Delicatessen!

Photo Cred: Me

This Jewish deli has been serving pastrami on rye to Hollywood's elite since 1931. 

Recently, the deli was featured on Mad Men. West Coast-ified Pete Campbell liked to go there when he was feeling homesick for salty, juicy meat:

According to the Canter's website, Liz loved to eat at the deli... but no one actually has any proof of that. Since everyone's been there, from Marilyn Monroe to Taylor Swift, it probably definitely must be true. 

Maybe she just drank in the Kibitz room next door. (If there was drinking, she was there.) 

The deli is open 24 hours a day and serves Jewish comfort food like matzo ball soup and knishes. 

Photo Cred: Me 

The inside is all vinyl and plastic, in shades of brown and faded maroon. Still very retro, but in an unappealing, 70s kind of way. 

When I went there with my father, the hostess slapped our menus onto the booth table without saying a word. (She was dressed like a crazed Christmas elf--but I guess, since it was Christmas Eve, she gets a pass.) 

My dad loved that they brought giant pickles out to the table. Seated around us were an assortment of weathered-looking kooky types. It truly felt like a large version of a classic New York diner. 

I got a Turkey Rachel, with cole slaw and Russian dressing. It was on Challah bread. Challah bread makes me swoon.  

My dad had the classic Pastrami on Rye. We both agreed that we'd had better on the East Coast, but I guess we're spoiled. Having been out here for a year and a half now, I have to say that the sandwich did feel a little like coming home. The fries were the bomb.com. 

The pastry case was filled with perfect rugelach, that I will hopefully get to feast on someday. 

The verdict: Good for a filling meal on a rare cold, rainy LA day. I bet if I had been there drunk at two in the morning, it would have been the best meal of my goddam life. It's not very diet friendly, whether you're following "Elizabeth Takes Off" or something less... fabulous. 

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Happy Valentine's Day, lovers.

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Need inspiration in between blog posts?  Check out @LaLizDiets on twitter. 

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Elizabeth Taylor Diet Book: Baked Apple

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Baked Apple

Happy New Year! 

According to THIS old article in the Huffington Post, La Liz spent every New Year’s Eve draped in diamonds and lounging in caftans and eating caviar in a Swiss ski chalet. 

I too spent the New Year, lounging in a caftan (purchased from Goodwill.) 

And even though I didn’t have any caviar, I still felt like a whale.  

SO, it was imperative that I started the New Year with one of La Liz’s putrid recipes: 

Baked Apple

1 medium Granny Smith apple (Ed. Note: I used a Gala apple, because Granny Smith apples remind me of grade school lunches.) 

1 tablespoon currants or raisins

Zest of 1/2 orange, chopped

1 packet of artificial sweetener

1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon

Wash and core apple.  With a sharp knife, score skin horizontally around fattest part of apple to prevent it from bursting during cooking. Mix other ingredients and pack into apple.  Place apple in ovenproof baking dish filled with 1/2 inch water.  Bake in 200 degree oven approximately 1 hour, or until soft. 

Gee, this recipe sounds easy.  What could possibly go wrong? 

It started with the coring business. I don’t know how to core an apple without cutting off my fingers.  My roommate had one of these babies in our utensils drawer: 

But, with this contraption, the apple would not only be cored but QUARTERED.  How was I supposed to stuff raisins into the center of a fruit that was in pieces?  

I figured I’d worry about that later and skipped the step where I was supposed to score the outside of the fruit. 

I decided I could keep the apple together with a hair tie.  I am an ingenious cook. 

What does she mean when she says to chop the orange zest?  I grated it, like my mother taught me to, and the zest turned into a pasty mess. “Whatever,” I thought, foolishly.  I stuffed that paste into the apple with the currants and the cinnamon. 

Sure looks appetizing. 

I let it bake for about an hour and IT SMELLED DIVINE.  I almost couldn’t wait. 

Confession time:  I did not put any sweetener (artificial or otherwise) into the apple.  Why would you ever need to sweeten nature’s candy… the apple? 

Because without it, this concoction is a slightly warm and bitter mess. 

I forgot to take a picture of the final product, but that's OK, because I have a video of me EATING IT. 

The video is posted above, because I don't know how to work embed codes. 

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Merry Christmas from Liz... and myself.  Thank you so much for the love you've been giving this blog!  More recipes are on their way!  Including tuna salad with grapefruit in it!  And aspartame!

XOXO 

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Follow @LaLizDiets on twitter for gems like that.  

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Ratatouille (or... Hot Tomato Water with Squeaky Vegetables)

Grapple-snapping v. - the action of eating out of the fridge instead of sitting down for a proper meal. 

"Grapple-snapping" is a term that Liz and Dick invented when they were deep into the days of drunken love and gluttony.  

Grapple-snapping is probably the best way to describe my diet.  Today I didn't have breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Instead, I had cinnamon toast, hummus, pumpkin scones, a few spoonfuls of Nutella and OF COURSE: 

Ratatouille

4 servings

1 1/2 cups of eggplant, cut into 1 inch cubes

1 1/2 cups of green beans, coarsely chopped

1 1/2 cups of mushrooms, quartered

1 1/2 cups of onion, chopped

1 tablespoon of tomato paste

1 teaspoon of fresh coriander

Salt substitute or salt, and pepper

Place water 1/2 inch deep in saucepan, add first five ingredients and simmer till soft. (Add a bit more water if necessary.) Stir in coriander and salt and pepper to taste.  Serve hot.  Refrigerate leftovers; they're great hot or cold! 

Shall I break this thing down now? 

You'll notice that the above beans are not "coarsely chopped."  Well, Sister Regina (my kindergarten teacher and a nun) once told my parents that I wasn't very good at paying attention to details. In cooking, you have to pay attention and follow directions. If I were better at this, I would have noticed that Liz's recipe called for a tablespoon of tomato paste and NOT THE WHOLE CAN. 

But you know what?  That mistake probably made this thing just a little bit more edible. 

It's the boiling of the vegetables that really ruined my dining experience.  If they had been sautéed with some olive oil and garlic, this dish might actually be good!  But, instead, all flavor and texture was boiled down to a goopy mess.  Does cooking vegetables in a pan really add that many calories?  Butter and cream are no nos, I get it.  But a measly tablespoon of olive oil? 

It tasted like a bowl of hot and chunky tomato water.  And on a rainy night, there is something comforting about shoving warm and tomatoey dinner into your face.  Even if your dinner is Elizabeth Taylor's Ratatouille and not pasta, or soup (or really ANYTHING else but this ratatouille, oh God, it was bad.) The vegetables were also weirdly squeaky.  I had to brace myself every time something was about to hit my teeth.  This is no way to live, people. 

My roommate actually tried a bite.  She was sorry she did.

Liz says that the leftovers are delicious hot OR cold.  Liz Taylor is a very good actress and/or liar. The warm temperature was the only thing that Ratatouille had going for it.  

Now, I would like to announce a new feature: "Making the Leftovers Edible."

I can't afford to be wasting food, so I did a little recipe hacking. 

Ratatouille is supposed to go over pasta or rice, right? I didn't feeling like googling it, but it seemed logical.  I threw the leftovers in a pot with some rice, added garlic powder and more salt.  Then I DOUSED the thing in parmesan cheese.  (Diet friendly? Eh.) 

Edible?  Sure.  Good?  No way.   I ate as much as I could and felt smug about myself for being healthy.  (I wasn't being healthy.) 

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http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/elizabeth-taylor-diet-cookbook

XOXO, XoJane

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Baked Potato Skins

Today at work there were free Sprinkles cupcakes.  I could have just had one, like a normal person, but when five o'clock rolled around and there were STILL several cupcakes for the taking, I took another one. 

So I guess it's back to the Elizabeth Taylor diet book for dinner.  I wanted something easy, with minimal ingredients that tasted like dirt. 

Voila!  Baked Potato Skins!

2 medium potatoes

1 tablespoon of grated Parmesan cheese

Sprinkle of salt and pepper

Bake potatoes in 400 degree oven or microwave until cooked.  Slice each in half lengthwise while still hot.  With a spoon, scoop out most of the potato, leaving just a thin layer adhering to the skin. (Impossible.) Sprinkle skins with cheese and season to taste with salt and pepper. Place on barbecue grill or under broiler until brown and crunchy. (Good luck.) For best flavor and texture, serve immediately. 

SPOILER ALERT: I do not have the patience to wait for a potato to bake in an oven.  I should have used the microwave... but I also should have exercised today, so I guess my day was full of poor decisions.  

I waited forever (8 minutes) for the potato to cook.  

See the raw center?  I figured since I had to scoop out the insides anyway, I didn't need to cook it anymore. 

I was horribly misguided. 

The next time you really want a fun project, try scooping out the insides of a half-baked potato WITHOUT breaking the skin.  I'd like to see them do that on Food Network Challenge. 

Only one half of the potato survived the hollowing out process.  I sprinkled that with cheese and salt and placed it under the broiler and waited. 

And waited.

Finally, the cheese seemed to brown a little.  I took the potato out of the oven and proceeded to be very disappointed. 

There was nothing crispy about this skin.  It was like a plain old, baked potato... with less starch and more earthiness.  It was kind of hard too.  I kept eating, hoping that when I got to the cheese, things would look up. 

And they did.  That little bit of parmesan was enough to help me power through.  Should I really be having to power through my dinner?  Probably not.  

There's something comforting about a potato, though.  Even poorly prepared ones make you feel kind of warm and content.  

Afterwards, I felt slightly ill.  And definitely full.  I only had half of a skin and Liz says you can have four of them.  Does that mean I win this diet? 

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Curried Chicken Salad

Today's recipe comes with not one, but TWO different versions of curry mayonnaise.  

It's enough excitement to make you put on a sari and celebrate. 

I named my whole project after this recipe because it is actually one of my favorite things to eat.  But don't worry, Liz still managed to screw it up with her gross flavor combinations. 

Curried Chicken Salad

6-ounce chicken breast, broiled or stewed, skin removed

1/2 crisp green apple, chunked

2 ribs of celery, chopped

2 tablespoons of Liz's Special Mayonnaise, curried (#1 or #2)

Ripe mango (optional) 

Slice chicken into thin strips. (I used a pre-cooked, pre-sliced thing of chicken from Trader Joe's.  Joe is my personal chef.) Toss with apple, celery and mayonnaise. (I love a chunked apple, don't you?)  Garnish with sliced mango, if desired. (Nope, I don't desire to buy a whole mango just for garnish, thank you very much. 

(That's a fuzzy picture of all of the ingredients, waiting to be combined.) 

Here's a secret, I won't eat raw celery, even if you were to give me some white diamonds.  Chicken salad still needs crunch, though, so I added walnuts.  They're some sort of healthy, right? 

There are TWO different kinds of Curried Mayonnaise that can be used in this salad. 

Curried Mayonnaise # 1

I cup Liz's Special Mayonnaise (I talked about this in my last entry.) 

2 tablespoons of safflower oil (What is safflower oil?  I don't know, but my roommate had some in the cupboard.) 

2 tablespoons of vinegar (There are so many kinds of vinegar.  Balsamic?  Red wine?  Apple cider?  I used some white vinegar that I had left over from when I tried to make my own shower cleaner from an article on Pinterest.) 

1 small onion freshly chopped (Everything is ruined)

2 teaspoons of curry powder 

2 teaspoons of lemon juice

Salt substitute or salt, and pepper to taste. 

Combine first six ingredients and stir until well blended. Add salt and pepper to taste. Chill and use as a dip with crudites or as dressing for vegetables or salad. (Nope.) 

Mmmm.  Here's my mayo, pre-mixed.  I didn't have any onion, so I used onion powder.  And I didn't use any lemon juice, because the juice I had been saving for a rainy day evaporated. 

(Why did I think I could keep lemon juice in a glass in the fridge for a month?) 

When the chicken salad came together, it looked like this: 

And it was really good!  Was it because I "forgot" the onion and celery?  Probably.  I made a big batch and I ate it for three days.  I am not skinny yet. 

I can't tell you about Curried Mayonnaise #2 because I haven't found any low-cal apricot preserves yet.  And I can't figure out any reason to put them into mayonnaise. 

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How do you get this tiny waist??! A tiny waist that looks quite painful and freakish?  A thick belt and MAYONNAISE. 

Liz's Special Mayonnaise

1 whole egg

1 egg yolk

I tablespoon balsamic or other vinegar

Juice of 1 lemon

2 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed

1/2 teaspoon dry mustard

1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

1 cup safflower oil

Salt substitute

Artificial Sweetener

1/2 skim milk

Place egg and egg yolk, vinegar, lemon juice, garlic, mustard, Worcestershire sauce in blender and whir till well mixed.  With blender on high speed, add oil a little at a time.  (Mixture will be very thick.) Remove to a bowl, add a little salt, pepper and artificial sweetener to taste.  Pour in skim milk and stir to mix thoroughly.  Store in airtight container in refrigerator until needed.  Will keep for 6 weeks.  

*********************************************************************

TOO MANY INGREDIENTS, LIZ.  I do not have the income to buy Worcestershire sauce just for a thing of mayo.  And what the hell is safflower oil? 

So... i'm going to cheat.  Trader Joe's Organic Mayonnaise has all of these ingredients, except there's NO SUGAR, artificial or otherwise and no Worcestershire sauce.  And soy bean oil is substituted for safflower.  

La Liz never has to know.  Especially since we're going to need a lot of mayonnaise for the CURRIED CHICKEN SALAD. 

It's coming.  It's glorious.  I've been eating it for three days.