Struggling Cat Mom

Just my journey and struggles Gw1: 155 Gw2: 150 Gw3:145 Gw4:140 Ugw:130ish Anxiety/ptsd/mst/depression

[butterflydreamer47]

So...I had a goal to reach my gw by my birthday...then the world went to shit and I started binging like crazy. So now I’m not even close to my goal weight and my birthday is in two days. I’m mad at myself and I need to seriously do something about this. It’s time to stop the fat cycle and get back in control of things. Today my weight is at 187, I don’t have a goal right now, just want to see how much weight I can lose while stuck in quarantine.

[butterflydreamer47]

I’m the strong one...

Nobody worries about me...I’m the strong one.  Even though I obsess about my weight...I’m the strong one.  Even with nightmares filled with bombs, rape and death...I’m the strong one.  Even though I have no desire to wake up each morning and face another day.  Even though I think about self harm every day or cry myself to sleep over the things that happened and my fears of the future.  Even though I feel like I have no future and don’t even know what steps to take next...I’m strong so I guess that means that nobody has to worry.  Except that I’ve lost some of the strongest people I know, because they just weren't strong enough...because they couldn't keep carrying all that weight alone but nobody helped them...just like me...because we’re strong and don’t need help...or so the world seems to think.

[butterflydreamer47]

I have to say it is really emotionally confusing how the same stress that kept me from eating all day yesterday is the same stress that caused me to binge last night...like why couldn’t I just continue to fast...sometimes I just hate my brain

Edit: I decided to weigh myself anyway and actually lost 3 lbs so 🤷🏼‍♀️

[butterflydreamer47]

Well I’m back at it again after struggling with some heavy binging and depression through the holidays. I got dangerously close to my hw and it freaked me out but I’m losing now. I’m down 5 lbs so far. I’ve been doing 18:6 intermittent fasting and only eating about 800-1000 calories a day. I’m actually planning on cutting that down even more if I need to. I’m determined to get to my Ugw by my birthday.

[butterflydreamer47]

2 lbs down

At least 8 more to go before the wedding. Hopefully the rest before the new year...I can spend another year feeling like this.

[butterflydreamer47]

Thanks mom...

It’s such a wonderful moment when your mom tells you that coping skills like coloring, or really anything child like is immature and then companies your coping skills to that of a crack head....wow now I feel fucking wonderful mom. Thanks for keeping my appetite in check by making me feel like even more shit.

[butterflydreamer47]

Deadlines

In less than a month one of my best friends is getting married. I’m in the wedding and I have my dress which is just a touch tight. So I have just under a month to lose at least 10 lbs so the dress fits better. Time to restrict, exercise and drink lots of water and tea.

[butterflydreamer47]

I have gained so much weight in the last few months and I literally hate my body. Every time I step on the scale it’s like the number is mocking me...and in about 2 months I’ll be in a wedding and I don’t even want to look at myself in a dress because I just look like a beached whale. Hopefully I can lose some weight before then and maybe just feel like a beached dolphin instead 🙃😑

[butterflydreamer47]

I suck...

At literally everything...being a friend, I’m horrible at it and I feel like I always let them down. At being daughter, pretty sure my parents only tolerate me because they feel they have to...even existing, I feel like I fuck up every aspect of my life and I don’t even know if it’s worth trying anymore...at least I’m good at purging 🙃

[butterflydreamer47]

Well then

High walking labyrinth meditation=the most amazing experience ever ❤️❤️❤️

[butterflydreamer47]

Need to escape

Drama at school and drama at home...i don’t know what to do but something has got to give....and people wonder why I isolate...because it’s easier than dealing with fuckwads

[butterflydreamer47]

F*ck

Normal people when life is stressful and feels out of control: gets extra sleep, participates in self care activities

Me: starves myself and stays up all night dreaming about ways to escape my current situation while smoking copious amounts of weed...

[butterflydreamer47]

19 June 2019

I feel like a shell of a person, I have nothing left to give at this point. I have tried so hard to fight this depression, this anxiety. Meditation, yoga, medication, exercise, journaling, therapy. I tried so hard but every time I feel myself really making steps in the right direction my mom reminds me of what a failure I am. I am ungrateful, I take advantage, I act like a victim, I’m mean and nasty and disrespectful.

When I break down she tells me I need to focus on healing myself but when I do just that then I am selfish for only thinking about myself. I give up, I have nothing left to give at this point. I wish I could just disappear.

[pretty-di]

[gracefulxbones-blog]

i wish i has continued ballet as a kid bc ballerina bodies are so beautiful

[moonshinebones-deactivated20191]

[butterflydreamer47]

Yesterday (tw)

My depression and anxiety were at their worst. For the first time in a long time I truly felt like I wanted to die. I screamed and cried, I cut my legs. I drank and smoked weed to try and numb the pain, but it only made it worse. All I wanted was to sleep and not wake up. I finally went to bed; I took my meds, curled up in front of my favorite tv show and cried until I fell asleep. I didn’t sleep well at all, but I did sleep. And I woke up. I got out of bed and fed my cats and got some coffee. I don’t know if I’ll do anything else today, but I’m alive and things aren’t as dark as they were yesterday. Now I just continue to pray that I am strong enough to fight the darkness.

[pathcend]

via MentalHealthQuotes