chenxhen

📍 toronto | artist, writer | open for commissions :)

[bychenxhen]

The Illusion of "Forever"

永远，现在 (Yǒngyuǎn, xiànzài) = Forever (permanently far), The Present (right here, in existence)

According to the Big Bang Model of the origin of the universe, it was once an immensely hot, dense ball of gas called the singularity. Over time, that gas expanded, the universe cooled, and stars now exist. But, as we know 65 percent of our universe is made up of dark energy. This "substance" as far as we know, is a constant that's intangible, and invisible to us, but it has observable effects on other celestial objects we can see. Similarly, as our universe continues to expand, possibly into darkness, we must question what "permanence" and "forever" mean to us. The current state of society is structured in such a way that, those who are living well have so much abundance that they try to create objects that will last "forever". We're experimenting with uploading our consciousness into data servers - "clouds", and the consumerism mindset has consumed the minds of practically everyone. Those who have enough money buy too much, and those who don't have money want to be able to buy too much. I liken this to the Universe 25 experiment, where a group of mice were given enough resources to outlast them. The mice eventually went insane. Their egos took over, they fought each other, and they lost sight of the importance of life. On our search for permanence, infinity, and the "forever", we've lost sight of the timeless, the eternal, and what has been present, is present and always will be present. Li Bai was a Chinese poet of the Tang Dynasty, who wrote romantic poems about nature, wine, and the ephemeral nature of life. His poems have survived for almost two millenia, touching the hearts of generations among generations of people. While we today search for immortality, permanence, and infinity, we forget that nature has always been present. Darkness is the singularity, simply transformed, but never gone. Perhaps the feelings that exist in the spaces between each person, between each organism, between each and every entity in the universe is also a dark energy. Timeless elements are eternal, and the eternal is not found in the future, where the truths we argue for are supposed to be found, rather they exist in front of us. We simply do not seek deep enough, feel strong enough, nor do we love hard enough. The universe may well become complete darkness one day, but that's not equivalent to nothingness. The substances of the singularity will still exist, simply in a different form. So, be human, feel human emotions, express love, and your existence will be of the permanent in the present. The mind is not a "ghost in the machine" as Gilbert Ryle critiques. Just as the mind is connected to the body in observable ways, everything in the universe is as well. Look more carefully, more intentionally.

- 2025.03.29

*All posts on this blog are drafts, subject to change, and open to revision ♡

[bychenxhen]

Why Social Media Doesn't Actually Connect Us

What is our life? A play of passion;

Our mirth, the music of division,

- Raleigh, "On the Life of Man" 1-2

Social media. This term and the digital entities it describes have become ubiquitous with daily living. Similar to “listening to music” or “eating”, it now comes naturally to us, to use it in daily conversation, and just to use it daily. However, it can’t be more unnatural. 

Auto-Segregation vs. Artificial Segregation

What social media has done has created something I’m going to call artificial segregation. Or I should say, it has propelled it to uncontrollable lengths. Segregation has occurred naturally among the human species - it is the process by which humans have separated into distinct religious, ethnic, and racial groups (aka, auto-segregation). These divisions are all based on evolutionary pathways. The basic knowledge needed here is to know that our species - the homo sapiens, have one common ancestor, and that our lineage begins in Africa. Eventually due to the branching off of different groups of our species, different skin colours developed, different cultures arose, and with that also came different languages and religions. Further, I will also be including personality differences. Although it’s not generally associated with the term, it will be touched upon as I go further into my explanation of artificial segregation. Artificial segregation is a derivative of auto-segregation. I call it artificial because it’s not solidified by evolutionary realities, and is a product of the human mind, and our species’ collective imagination. Here I’m referring to stereotypes and prejudices that are a result of the division of humans into separate groups. Sure, it’s a direct result of our species’ tendency to categorise things, but the connotations derived from it are not always the case. It’s based on assumption, and taken as truth in many scenarios when it is not. For instance, when a woman says that she is Christian, certain terms and images come to mind. One might picture a modest feminine figure, wearing a dress with frills, who doesn’t want to have sex until she’s married. She’s soft-spoken, and devoted to her boyfriend/husband. However, are all Christian women like this? No. And the reason this isn’t the case is a complicated result of both auto and artificial segregation. Natural religious practices arose, due to the natural ways people behave. Over time the culture and language has changed, different races have started intermingling, and how different religions are practised have changed as well. However, the stereotypes based on the “original” way are still propagated as well. Tensions have arisen, and the stereotypes which used to hold truth, and no longer do, are still stuck in people’s minds. Here is where social media comes in. 

Social media and Artificial Segregation

Social media, originally created to connect humans, has now developed into an evil that has done the exact opposite. It has mainly worked to enable stereotypes and prejudices. And this process involves more human psychology. It takes the natural instinct of the human mind to categorise to the next level. Take Instagram for example - the most widely used social media platform for gen Z and millennials. Everyone is influenced by other people, and create pages and post photos that put them into a certain category of people. It could be “the Instagram baddie”, the “booktok girl”, or the “alpha male”. Now yes, there’s no problem with the idea of categorisation, but these terms all bring about a certain superficial image of a type of person. It’s in no way related to natural personality differences. People can be a combination of a myriad of different online social media terms. It has become difficult to see this truth, however. 

What social media has done is that it has created a drastic increase in information intake for the individual. The volume of information we receive each day through our phones is not something our human brain has been prepared to do. Evolutionarily, our brains are still in the hunter-gatherer stage. Chances are, most people wouldn’t be able to describe one post or video they came by the previous day. We are now constantly intaking, yet not reflecting or processing the information. This with a combination of the existence of stereotypes has resulted in the most divisiveness we have ever seen. People feel something from a certain piece of information they see, don’t have the time to fully process the information, and react a certain way based off of relicked knowledge. And even this, most people are not aware of. Then, we speak and act based on these feelings, further creating division. Take for instance, the comments on Instagram reels. This is where people release their irrational thoughts. Others are then privy to these thoughts, resulting in the propagation of more irrationality. It has been detrimental to people's self-perceptions, as the only thing we do reflect somewhat more on is ourselves. We’re around ourselves all the time, and are driven by our inner worlds without the ability to escape from it. I’m certain we’ve all questioned where we fit in within all of the aforementioned "artificial categories" at multiple points throughout our lives. Most don’t fit into any. We are a social species; everyone wants to fit in with everyone else, and so it has caused many to retreat into ourselves, resulting in the individualism and divisiveness we see today. 

Is There Anything We Can Do About It?

It’s evident, if we take into account the history of humans, the end to our species’ path is globalisation. And to do this, groups of people need to come into agreement with each other. Political parties, religious groups, different cultures, and various ethnic groups need to find common ground. And it’s not as if there isn’t common ground. We are still the same species, and all these groups of people arose from one group of people. If you were to take a look into different religious texts, you’ll see that the basic ideas being preached are the same. I’m not here to get into the specifics of religion, so I’ll just say that broadly, our faith as a species lies in “being a good person”. But, with the existence of social media, we’re losing what that means. Everyone’s constantly questioning whether they should or should not do something, and using confirmation bias, which has led to useless arguments and clashes in perspectives. 

We need to cultivate community again, based on shared faith. The intangible ideas, and immaterial virtues of every single civilised being is what will bring us together again.

On a more practical level, practising detachment, focusing on our loved ones, carrying out discernment on the information we receive, and taking moments to reflect on what we value and how we see the world, are what each person can easily do. I’m sure you’ll realise that people aren’t so different after all, once you take a step back from the algorithm. 

The different groups of faith may not be what we used to know of them as anymore, but are the material aspects really something to hold onto?

[bychenxhen]

Being Above Average but of Average Social Standing

The Tao that can be trodden is not the enduring and unchanging Tao. The Tao-Path is not the All-Tao. The Name is not the Thing named. - Laozi, Tao Te Ching

I know I'm intelligent. I've never done an IQ test, because I believe it's just another unnecessary box people are placed into. But, growing up, I've been told by teachers and other intelligent people that I'm intelligent. I've always thought school was too easy, and was recommended into gifted programs. Everything from Math to English, I was either top of the class or close to the top. And I know I'm intelligent as well. I see it in the way I think and convey my thoughts. 

Apart from academic excellence, I also have many talents. My parents were very adamant on making me a "cultured" individual. I was placed into various extracurricular classes ever since I was four or five years old. Dance, visual arts, and vocal lessons were the ones I enjoyed the most, and also the ones that came most naturally to me. I also love to read and write prose and poetry. I grew up performing, and honing these skills. I'm very self-critical (another quality of intelligence), so I would always try to improve. I believe in the capacity of any human being to be able to do what any other human being can do. Of course, there are certain limitations resulting from our genes, but we're still all human beings. If one tries hard enough, the limits are boundless. 

I'm also quite good-looking. I've received many compliments, and I'm very confident in my appearance. I also dress well, work out, and take care of myself to maintain my appearance. 

And to add on top of all of this, I'm not a boring prude either. I know how to have fun. I'm quite witty, and I love to be silly. 

Now, I'm not saying all of this to boast. I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not the best at everything. I can't play an instrument, sometimes it takes me a while to feel the beat of a song, I don't speak the most eloquently, and I certainly don't have model-like good looks. I'm aware of this. I see when other people are better in these ways. I always compliment people where they deserve to be. I was raised to be modest, humble, and to see the good in others. I'm just very well-rounded, and as a whole above average. 

Why does this matter, and why am I speaking on all of this? Well, despite excelling in many ways, I come from a very humble family, finances wise. As a result, my opportunities in life were always limited. Another crutch to this reality is that I'm a first generation immigrant. My parents and I came to Canada in 2007, after I had just completed first grade in China. We came here with very little money, and my parents had to restart their lives. They worked lower middle class or working class jobs to make ends meet. Our connections were limited to people in these sectors of society as well. The focus was always on making more money and climbing up the social ladder. This is why going to a good university, getting a good degree, a good job, and making a lot of money is so important to us. However, it created many problems for my up-bringing. 

My family was dysfunctional, the pressure was on me to dig us out of a hole I wasn't a part of digging, and I had very few friends. I had nothing material to show for my excellence. I'm also a female, with quite the baby face. People like to judge. Humans are superficial. And we create expectations of others in our minds out of these incorrect prejudices. When people first look at me, they more often than not think I'll be a weak, demure, and simple girl. They won't expect me to have all the abilities I hold. Whenever there's a disconnect between a person's expectations and realities, discomfort arises. It triggers a fight or flight response, because there's a sense of unfamiliarity and fear. The disconnect I cause in people's minds is probably quite great. People either love me or hate me because of it. All of this meant I had very little support from the people I most wanted support from - my family and my peers. I was intimidating to most people my age, and my family had very little time or money to spare me. 

As a result, I've always felt pressured to prove myself. There has always been such a great weight on my shoulders to do anything that would show people just how great I am, and what I can achieve beyond people's expectations of me. Eventually, I became drained. It's not easy when I'm able to see past what's in front of me and onto the bigger picture. I'm constantly helping others, when I lack the most support. I won't lie, some of this I did create for myself, because people just don't stimulate my brain enough, or aren't able to match up to me, and I don't feel comfortable asking those I consider "weaker" than me for help. 

At the age of 18, I began losing my mind to it all. I had very little friends - if any I considered close, I wasn't doing what I wanted, and I became depressed. I had just gotten into university, but it quickly dawned on me that this wasn't what I wanted at all. I was doing all of this in search of something that was in actuality meaningless to me. I don't care about money or status. All I want is to live a simple life, and let the days pass me by stress-free. I transferred out of several university programs, dropped out completely, and went to college instead. It made me feel incredibly insecure. Now I had absolutely nothing to show for who I am on the inside. I was back at square one. It felt like my life was starting over. This feeling only brought me down more. I felt like a failure, and I began to lose my way. 

Today, I'm settling back into who I am. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. The future seems incredibly uncertain, but there's one thing I'm incredibly certain of -  who I am and my value. I'm incredibly valuable. It sucks that most people just won't ever see that. But, I have accepted it for what it is. Society is made for the average person, and those who are on par with me will see me for all that I am. I just have to continue to be my best self, and hope for a future where I'm not taken for granted. Results are what matter, not the journey. 

If you are average, I'm telling you to be grateful for being average. It's the luckiest thing a person can be in this society. However, I won't ever dumb myself down to fit in. The results will be shown in my satisfaction with life, and self-actualization (a little Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs reference to end this off). 

Best to everyone. 

Love, Chenchen ♡

[bychenxhen]

Society is no longer social and civilization is no longer civil.

"You can now like notes." - Instagram, 2024

In a world where a double-tap has replaced words, it's evident humans are losing the very essence of what it means to be human. Language - the beauty of our species' ability to communicate complex thoughts. It's devastating to see it be replaced with actions that confuse each other. Coupled with fear and anxiety we're being forced to dumb-down. Civilization? What a joke. We're being trapped in cages of self-doubt and paranoia, being fed with little red hearts, and given a false sense of freedom. We're being trained to fit a captivity ideal. Many of us are too scared to fight, and too obedient to escape. We don't even realize what is happening. No one can tell me it's in our psychology to follow the crowd. Am I not also human? Are the world's greatest changemakers and artists not human? We're all the same, so why are so many of us denying the truth?

THE PRETENSE OF "SOCIAL" MEDIA

Social media. It's a great invention of the 21st century. This is a fact. We have seen the many benefits of the social media applications that have been created. It's allowed us to connect with friends more easily, take inspiration from others, and have a reach that was once unimaginable. However, there's no denying that the eruption of internet culture has made our daily real-world lives less social.

The most used social media app amongst people aged 18 to 39 years old (inarguably the current and next generations) is Instagram. Many people use it to stay connected with their friends. Watching our friends' stories, sending each other reels, and liking each other's posts, are all ways in which we tell each other, "Hey, I'm still alive and I still care about you." It's great. Maintaining a connection has been made easier than ever. Aside from friends, we're also able to keep our eyes on our favourite celebrities and artists. Whether or not there's a concert coming up soon, a new song release, a new masterpiece....We are never waiting too long to see what will inspire our own lives next. As a result we are continually improving. Some people even take this improvement to the next level, by using social media to network. Ambitious individuals meet other ambitious individuals' (profiles), follow each other, and maybe even speak to each other, and POSSIBLY even work together. This ability to connect outside of our God given circle has increased our opportunities generously.

On the flipside (the more burnt side of the pancake, we hide by placing onto the plate), how real and how useful are these positives to social media when speaking to its intended use? Sure we've liked a friend's post, watched all their stories, and sent them reels, but does your friend actually know how you feel about them? These days girls and boys band together to try to figure out what a "like" from their crush means. "He's watched all my stories. He must be in love with me." What happened to just asking and getting a straightforward answer? Chances are, that rarely happens, and people are left with confusion, not a genuine connection. This type of odd speechless interaction has even extended to friendships. I'm sure many of you have found it hard to even make a genuine friendship these days. Moving onto our favourite celebrities, is there actually any practical use to being able to see into their lives? Most of us will never even be seen by one of our idols, let alone have a conversation with them. Unlike with our friends, socializing isn't even in the question. It's only resulted in unhealthy parasocial relationships, where people believe they are friends with someone they've never even looked in the eye. Furthermore, LinkedIn (the primary networking social media application), is starting to become more and more like FaceBook and Instagram, where "professionals" post blog posts that a minority of their followers will read, and large companies boast about their wonderful work environment. I've tried to use LinkedIn for its intended purpose, and most of the time I am met with scammers, and collaborations that never fruition. Putting a screen between business partners, or any two parties only creates a shallow relationship.

What's easier than opening our mouths, and using our vocal cords to speak, if we're talking about socializing? Nothing. Moving our vocal cords quite literally requires no voluntary effort. Yet, we've been lead to believe that phone applications have made socializing easier. It may have broadened our reach, and widened our circles, but it has made the personal impersonal.

THE DOWNGRADE OF FASHION

This topic may seem like it's come out of leftfield on a post about forming connections, but going back to my introduction rant, the downgrade of fashion is just more evidence of humans forgetting what it means to be human. Like language, it's a sophisticated human quality. And thus, another way we can stay connected as a species.

Recently, while doing my daily doom-scrolling, I've come across quite a few videos, and comments that speak to the glaringly obvious downgrade in the effort of putting together an outfit. These days, most people's go-to outfits probably involve some sort of denim pant, and a random shirt. It can look clean and put together, that's true (just take a look at Dakota Johnson rocking her simple blue jeans and white T-shirt combo). However, many people don't put as much effort in trying to look good for other people, or they don't know how to. I've seen way too many teens wearing pajama pants and slippers outside to be happy about the way we dress, especially when compared to the garments that people of all ages used to wear in the Victorian Era, or the Qing Dynasty. You can argue that wearing pajamas outside is a distinct North American quality, but at a global scale, we just don't dress as well as we used to. People used to wear suits to go to the mall. Now it's acceptable to show up to the department store in sweats. The next step might as well be showing up outside butt-naked, like all our mammal cousins.

It sounds funny, and contrived to talk about something like clothing which doesn't seem as important a human quality as language and complex thought, but which other animal makes their own clothes? And what comes next? Once we start walking around naked, are we going to start sleeping in the fields, drink river water, and communicate using growls and grunts? That may be a stretch sure, but even with the incredible accessibility of fashion today, humans all over seem to be losing the will to dress-up. In some people it's gone as far as NOT HAVING THE ABILITY to dress well. We're losing our will to be civilized homo sapiens, and the downgrade in our fashion sense is only one indicator of the greater fall we are experiencing.

THE LOSS OF HONEST HEART-TO-HEART CONVERSATIONS

All in all, the increased use of internet slang, and decrease in unity of dress, are all signs that we are becoming less and less connected. The widespread use of social media as a replacement to actually socializing has made connections unclear. Where do I stand with this person? I may never know. We've accepted this as reality, when the truth is, knowing comes as easily as asking one simple question. As a result of having less genuine connections, we've lost the will to impress others as well. What's the use of keeping up appearances and being civilized, when barely anyone is able to have a heart-to-heart conversation with another person? The double-tap is the modern equivalent to a caveman grunt. We can't see the human-ness in others, so we are choosing to also leave our human-ness behind.

The universe granted us the gift of being different. What separates us from animals is the act of honing this gift.

[bychenxhen]

Has anyone realized the profound irony of stigmatizing mental health by trying to destigmatize it through putting people into boxes ._.

[bychenxhen]

billions of boxes won't make a sphere.

One thing that my tenth grade history teacher said to us I'll never forget is, "We stare at boxes all day. We go home to be inside a box, where we sit on a box, to stare at another box." (Well, he was a brazen boomer, so he didn't quite say it like that.) But, the point is there. We live in a world constituted of boxes. Some are empty, and some are filled with nonsense.

Do you know what's interesting about that?

A box or a cube, is the easiest three dimensional shape to draw and to make. It takes a few simple lines, and looks the same from all angles. It's the shape with the least possibilities. It also requires the least amount of imagination to visualize.

Yet, they're not found anywhere in nature. Nothing of the natural world is a perfect cube.

We are of the natural world. We have curves and imperfections. We don't look the same from all angles. And not a single other soul could imagine or visualize our own.

Do you know what has the most curves?

A sphere.

Do you know what is a sphere?

The earth, the planets, the sun, and the moon.

Do you know what is covered in imperfections - dents, grooves, valleys, and craters?

The earth, the planets, the sun, and the moon.

As a species inhabiting one of the imperfection-filled spheres in the universe, we are constantly being put into boxes - cute, little, perfect cubes. We're made to feel like we don't belong, because we don't fit the cubes.

The truth is, the cubes are the ones that don't fit the world. One cube doesn't make a sphere. Two cubes don't make a sphere. A hundred cubes don't make a sphere. And eight billion cubes won't make a sphere. Even if they did, that sphere won't have dents, grooves, valleys, or craters.

A cube might be easy to make. It might be easy to imagine. But that's not what exists. Cubes aren't real outside our minds.

Spheres aren't easy to make. And they usually aren't perfect when we do make them. But you know what, our existences aren't meant to be easy, and they are even less meant to be perfect. At the end of it all, at least they're real. At least they exist.

Stare at a sphere all day. Go home, to be inside a sphere, where you sit on a sphere, to stare at another sphere. And let the spheres be blemished, as we are. Maybe even become the sphere. Just don't dumb yourself down to a box.

~ Chenchen I'm a poet and artist, aiming to make the world less of a lonely place.

[bychenxhen]

the effervescence of heartbreak.

Most of us spend the first twenty to thirty years of our lives searching for wholeness. Some will spend their entire lives searching for it. Whatever the timeframe, wholeness is ultimately what we are all after. Some find it within themselves, some through family, some through friendship, some through objects, some through pets, and some through love. Maeve found it through falling in love with Otis. Otis did as well - through falling in love with Maeve, but his story has many more nuances, which I will not discuss in this post.

When we are first introduced to Maeve, she's broken. Everything about her life is broken - a broken family, a broken school life, and a broken self image. The latter is expressed through her outer appearance. Her hair is bleached and dyed, her makeup is dark, and her wardrobe stands out. It's unnatural for her, but these are all her choices nonetheless. She doesn't yet know how to piece herself together.

Through meeting Otis, she slowly is able to find the ripped up book that is herself, and glue it back together. We see her coming into her own. Everything about her appears more and more natural as she opens up to Otis. She lets her natural hair colour show, her makeup no longer covers up her features, and her clothes are stripped of the flare they once had.

This comfortability with her true self is thanks to having had Otis in her life. In him, she found someone who understands the parts of her that she kept hidden and lost along the way. She let her true self shine around him, and so, she was finally able to understand who she is. With that understanding, she is now free of the stigma she used to carry, as if that was all she was. In a way, he allowed her to put herself together.

Now, she can stand anywhere and be herself. She can chase after her dreams, and be open to love. It's enough that Otis lives in her memories, at least in the next chapter of her life. And she'll carry those memories with her, wherever she goes. She's whole because of him, not with him.

~ Chenchen I'm a poet and artist, aiming to make the world less of a lonely place.

[bychenxhen]

on deleting social media.

Why I did it:

A simple sentence that encapsulates my reason for going social media free is: To experience the world for myself.

Let me elaborate (a blog is made to fill a space with words after all).

I've always cared, a little too much. Whether it be caring about how others think about me, or just plain caring about others. It stems from a childhood filled with neglect, though it wasn't anyone's fault. It was simply a result of circumstance. My family members are all wonderful people. They just happened to welcome a child who was too observant, too sympathetic, and too quiet. As long as there was any semblance of life in my presence, my first thought would be to care about them. How are they feeling? Why does their face look so sad? This characteristic of mine made me feel extremely lonely. I always felt like no one cared about me the way I do them. Eventually, this made me seek attention, through superficial things. I tried anything I could to affirm my existence. I was always a top student in school, I always dressed well, and any talent that I felt like I lacked, I would look to the best of the best for inspiration and learning.

I felt like an attention seeker.

I wasn't one.

But it felt as if everyone thought I was vain, and cold.

All I wanted was for one person to notice me, and to tell me, "I know exactly how you feel."

As the months and years passed, I felt less and less able to use my words to express myself. I hid behind anonymous blogs, and hidden social media accounts. I didn't want to seem like an attention seeker to those who already knew me. That's not who I am. So, even when those "private" accounts gained success, I didn't tell a single person I personally knew. My friends were jealous of me, and my parents wouldn't understand. I still kept myself hidden.

All of this, made me extremely susceptible to other people's thoughts and opinions of me, when it came to my outward presentation. I had broken myself up into pieces. I didn't know who I was. I could be anything anyone wanted me to be, except who I wanted to be.

After 23 agonizing years of trying to piece myself together, I'm finally letting go of everybody else, and focusing on my own image of me. I left social media with the intention to experience life through my eyes only. I want my own opinions to come to full form. I want my dreams to still feel like dreams - ones that I will charge towards with all my might. I don't want any external influence from single persons, good or bad, unless they are from those I trust.

We are all ever evolving, not into tigers, hawks, CEOs, or celebrities, but into ourselves. I want to be myself.

A little poem:

~ Chenchen I'm a poet and artist, aiming to make the world less of a lonely place.

[bychenxhen]

Ricky and Gina as Hans and Anna. My vision:

Miss Jenn wanted them to rehearse the scene alone together, but they've sang "Love is an Open Door" a million times already and are still stumbling on each other's feet the first two seconds in. Something's not right. Both of them know it.

They've been in the empty cabin for hours now, and as they're dancing to the track, Ricky stops abruptly. Gina's caught off guard and the sudden halt causes her to fall. Ricky catches her by the wrist before it's too late. It could've been a romantic moment like in the movies, but Gina is not having it.

"What was that?!" She screams, firmly shaking off Ricky's hand. She's not even looking at him.

Ricky is struck by Gina's harsh actions and words, so he turns around and starts pacing around the room. He says, "It's not working. Something's not right."

"Of course something's not right. You don't just stop in the middle of a dance, causing your partner to almost fall and injure herself!"

Ricky stops pacing, and walks back towards Gina. Gina's words tipped him off.

Gina's still not looking at him.

"...but what would I expect from the guy who broke Ashlyn..." Gina continues, before Ricky has a chance to say anything.

Ricky was not expecting her to say that. His face softens, surprised at what he had just heard "...what?" He quietly mumbles.

Gina turns to look at him, giving him a non-chalant you-know-what expression, before walking towards the stereo to turn off the music. Ricky follows.

"Why did you say it like that?"

Gina turns around, and stares Ricky in the eyes.

Ricky isn't backing off this time.

"I got hurt too."

Gina's face relaxes into a softer gaze. She's not sure what to say. She wasn't thinking when she said those words.

"Why are you pushing me away? What did I do?" Ricky asks.

Gina looks at the ground, shaking her head. "Nothing, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I'm just a little frustrated about this song."

"No. That's not what this is. Ever since the chocolate thing from last semester you've been ignoring me. And if I'm not wrong, I don't remember saying or doing anything that would make you hate me." Ricky's voice is starting to rise in volume. He's frustrated, hurt, and defeated, but he's been bottling this up for months now. He needs to know what happened between him and Gina.

Gina smirks. "The chocolates..."

Ricky's tone softens as he realizes that Gina's uncomfortable. "Was it that? Was it the chocolates?" He inches closer, trying to see Gina eye-to-eye.

Gina takes a seat in the corner by the stereo. "How could it be the chocolates when there weren't any to begin with?" Her voice is trembling, her words fading as she speaks.

Ricky can hear Gina's voice cracking. He sits down beside her, not saying anything. What's he supposed to say? He doesn't know what's going on in Gina's head, and he's too afraid to ask now.

Tears begin to slide down Gina's face, but she tries to hide it. Ricky can tell, but pretends he doesn't notice.

A couple minutes pass. The two of them have been sitting in silence. Gina's tears have faded, and they're both looking out the window on the other side of the cabin.

"I thought those chocolates were from you." Gina whispers.

Ricky is surprised. He wasn't expecting her to start the conversation.

"Yea...that was funny. I don't really know why you would think that..." Ricky's eyes shift. He seems nervous.

Gina turns her body around, looking at the side of Ricky's face now. She's confused.

"You don't know why? I poured my heart out to you, and you went right back to Nini. Do you know how hard it was for me to confess my feelings to you? I have never done that in my life. And then I went to talk to you on Valentine's day, knowing well that you rejected to me. But you were the only one I could talk to. And even though I was sad about my mom forgetting about our tradition, I wanted those chocolates to be from you, because I wanted to still have a chance with you. That's why Ricky. That's why I've been ignoring you, because the chocolates weren't from you. But you had to pour salt on my wound by making a joke out of my feelings for you."

As Gina was talking, Ricky was becoming more and more alert. His eyes are now fixated on Gina. His body directly facing her.

"You had feelings for me?"

Gina is stunned by Ricky's question.

"I confessed to you on opening night of HSM Ricky! That was months ago! You're saying that this whole time you had no idea?"

"Y-yea. I thought..."

"You thought what Ricky?"

Ricky's eyes widen. He looks like a deer caught in headlights.

"When you said 'I wouldn't give up on us', I thought you meant that in like a friend way. I mean I thought we had something at some point during HSM, but when you didn't respond to my texts and then came back just to say you were leaving again, I-I thought I had made everything up in my head." His eyes are turning red, beginning to tear up.

"And that's why you got back together with Nini right in front of me." Gina pushes herself up from the floor and leans against the wooden wall.

Ricky gets up as well, mirroring Gina's stance. "...I didn't know you would come back."

"What if you did?"

"What if I did what?"

Gina stands up straight, looking at Ricky intensely. "What if you knew I was coming back?" Her eyes shift back and forth, anxiously waiting for his answer.

Ricky swallows under his breath. His body is shaking, but his eyes don't divert from Gina one bit. He takes a step towards Gina.

"I think-"

Just then the door opens. The sound startles the two of them, and they turn their bodies towards the door.

"Hey guys!" It's EJ. "Hi Ricky. Hi G." He smiles at Gina.

Gina forces a smile back, whispering a small 'hi' under her breath.

"Miss Jenn wanted me to check up on you guys. How's rehearsal going?"

"Good. It's going great. I think uh we've just hit a turning point." Ricky takes a look at Gina, before turning his attention back to EJ.

"Yea. No more stumbling and falling." Gina giggles awkwardly and mimics a cartoonish fall.

"That's great! Do you mind if I watch?"

Before they knew it, Ricky and Gina are performing for the entire Theatre crew. And what do you know, the performance went perfectly. But that doesn't mean that they've forgotten about what just happened a few minutes ago. Will they choose to let it go, and act like nothing happened?

I know this isn't going to happen. But just let a girl dream.

[bychenxhen]

JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE A SHIP DOESN'T MAKE IT THE RIGHT CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's right because it makes sense.

[bychenxhen]

Children's TV shows and ships are f*cking annoying. It's like they're so afraid to satisfy either end, because someone will be unhappy. But they never make the right choice. All these writers must be on something, I swear.

Tori and Beck. Do not tell me you grew up watching the show and didn't ship them together. I remember only tuning in for the premier because the trailer had the clip of Tori and Beck kissing in the first episode. I could feel the chemistry radiating from those 2 seconds, and was just waiting for Beck and Jade to break up throughout the whole show. And when they finally do, they get back together BECAUSE OF TORI. Like wtf??!!! Tori had to be nice to Jade, and for what?! Jade obviously knew Beck and Tori liked each other, but she just had to have Beck. Like I'm pretty sure Beck got back together with Jade, because Tori couldn't "do that to Jade".

Ricky and Gina. This ship is still developing but I have a serious suspicion that they're gonna be the ship that could've been, because the writers are too afraid to hurt some 11 year old's feelings. They're gonna tease them throughout the show, only to have them end up with other people without full closure. I can see it already.

Carly and Freddie. AGAIN. Another HEALTHY relationship, a term that these writers don't seem to understand. They had to get rid of them and put Sam and Freddie together. AGAIN, for what?! So young kids can see that relationships are supposed to involve abuse and constant bickering, but it's okay because it's love??? Hello???? I'm just glad that with this one they broke up, and the Freddie and Carly plot seems to be moving forward in the reboot. Thank God they have a chance at redemption...

Maddie and Diggy. WHY?! JUST WHY?!

The only shows that ever did it right were Hannah Montana and Wizards of Waverly Place. Miley realized that Jake was a piece of shit. And Alex ended up with a guy who genuinely cared about her, and Dean never showed up again. Like, WHY DO THEY NEED TO MAKE IT COMPLICATED?! It's simple. Simple. Ugh. Can someone just hire me as a writer? I'll do it for almost nothing. I don't need the money, I just want to make people happy.

Also feel free to rant about any other show you can remember from your childhood that absolutely ruined themselves with the horrendous romance plots.

[bychenxhen]

I don't know if other people have noticed, but recently villainous characters are becoming more popular amongst the younger generation. Although I'm part of the younger generation, I would like to understand this phenomenon better, because I really don't get it. I can see why they would be appealing, but actually rooting for them over the good guy is beyond me.

The only two examples I can think of, off the top of my head are:

Cheon Seo Jin from Penthouse

Ruby from Sex Education

It seems that despite them being bad people, fans on the internet like them for their beauty and *attitude*. But digging deeper, I wonder if it's because a lot of people see the world in a negative light these days and empathize with them...What do you think? 🤔

[bychenxhen]

I see why some people like Ruby and Otis together. And I do agree Ruby and Otis were cute together, but their relationship WAS flawed. Ruby tried to change Otis. She did eventually accept him as he was, but she was still controlling. And this isn't saying that she's a bad person to the core or till the end, but most of their relationship was not good. The bowling alley montage was very cute, but that was one date, and it showed pretty clearly that Ruby had more in common with Adam than with Otis. Ruby showing Otis where she lives was also very good development, but that was still one date. So total, they had two good dates. Then Ruby was way too quick to say "I love you." This is where Otis' fault comes in. Otis only wanted to be Ruby's boyfriend because of what Maeve said. She told him "you used to care a lot" and that he's not a casual relationships guy. These words really stuck, and after asking his mom for reassurance, he felt like he should try a serious meaningful relationship with Ruby. But it was obvious he still loved Maeve. He shouldn't have led Ruby on, because by then it was quite clear that Ruby was really falling for him. And in terms of Ruby's development, I see her relationship with Otis as a gateway to opening up to the people she's close to. Being with Otis allowed her to realize it's okay to be vulnerable, and let people in. She texting her address to Olivia and Anwar was my favourite moment for her. It shows that she's changing, and she wouldn't have done that if not for Otis. They just weren't in the same place, and I agree with Otis when he said he's not sure that she loves him loves him. I think Ruby was just really thankful that Otis was nice to her and her father. He didn't judge her. And so she may have confused that for love. People are saying that Ruby was a plot device for Motis, but I really think Otis was a plot device for Ruby's development. Through their relationship Ruby will become nicer, allow people to see her true self, and hopefully find a meaningful relationship with somebody.

[bychenxhen]

I ask kindly to not use this gif for anti-motis purposes. It's too beautiful for that 😌

[bychenxhen]

I think many people are confusing "forced" with "plot".

[bychenxhen]

unpopular opinion : I liked how Otis handled his relationship with Ruby.

It showed a lot of honesty from his part and actually shows his character development.

It was leagues, LEAGUES better than he handled the Ola-Maeve love triangle situation

Yes! He handled it very well. He did the right thing by not lying, and tried to talk to Ruby about it. There's no reason to hate him just because your fav got hurt...

[bychenxhen]

Can you please give me some links to the posts from different platforms that have an analysis of Otis x Maeve?

Because I'm curious how people interpret them.

I don't have any links, but definitely check out reddit! Go to the sex education subreddit, there's wonderful mature discussion there!