Snippets about giving in (and the emotional mess that comes with it).
2k6 words
Part 1 (find Part 2 here)
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It was a mistake. A selfish indulgence. A disaster in the making.
Solas knew it from the beginning, but had trusted himself to not give into the insidious feeling that had begun to chisel at his ribs. Beating against them as it tried to stay his hand.
He could not yield to this exquisite poison. Too much depended on him.
Harden your heart with sorrow. Sharpen your will with pain.
He would look upon this fractured world and strengthen his purpose with every reminder of his past failures. And if not for duty, then, for her. Inquisitor Lavellan faced enough sneering glances as it was. Growing close to an elven apostate would at best weaken her authority, at worse embolden those who whispered to overthrow her. And if not out of reason, then, out of compassion. For he would assuredly break her heart, in addition to his wretched own.
What started as innocuous lines and silent looks exchanged from afar had aggravated into an alarming desire to be close to her. He wondered if Ellana felt his fingers linger a heartbeat too long over her palm as he was finishing their usual examination of the anchor in her quarters. If she realised how each of their talks made him take a step towards the irresistible precipice.
She seemed to want him too. Ridiculous. Impossible. Worse, dangerous. His past decisions had always led to ruin. Each choice an addition to this wall of repentance he sought to tear down, yet could only rise.
How dared he wish for more?
Solas knew that his fall was inevitable. One he would soon agonisingly regret.
Still, as months of mutual yearning turned into a passionate embrace on her balcony, he finds himself cherishing every moment of his cursed descent. The warmth of her body against the cold. The sigh escaping her mouth as he finally claims it. The softness of her lips curving into a smile. Forgetting, if only for a moment, the millennia-old weight burdening his shoulders.
She parts her lips to welcome him as he tenderly cradles her in his arms, enveloping himself around her â his heart.
One thought Iâve had while reading this post by the wonderful @loredrinker (itâs a beautiful read highly recommend)
We know that one of Solasâ big regrets is robbing elves of their immortality. As he says in Trespasser, he blames himself for the fact that elves now age and die.
So, in the scenario that Solas had not actually seen Lavellan physically in the past 10 years: How much do you think it would have hurt him to see the visible signs of aging that would be expected after a decade on the woman he loves? Of course he would find her just as beautiful in any age or form, but to see physical evidence of his biggest mistake on her. To be reminded that, because of him, she is actively dying, her body deteriorating one day at a time.
As someone not born mortal, this in itself would be harrowing to witness on your significant other. We are born knowing that our time is limited and even we canât ever grasp it. But to know heâs the one that is responsible for it? It was eating him alive when the elves in question were faceless distant strangers he never got too close to. I can only imagine how much worse it would feel when it came to his heart.
I'd like to take a moment to appreciate the word vhenan.
From a media and fiction perspective, itâs brilliant.
Think about "As you wish." What immediately comes to mind?
That is vhenan. Character and relationship branding packaged in one word.
Itâs a recognizable shorthand for Solas and Lavellanâs story (romanced Lavellan). And while it may be known only within the DA community, it carries enough narrative weight and presence that rarely is there any ambiguity on who you are referring to. (Even many non-Solasmancers I've interacted with know immediately the reference.)
It is also a word that is layered:
A storytelling tool that heightens drama and emotional impact.
A word filled with emotions - confession, intimacy, despair, devotion, pain and love.
And a word that evokes the entire narrative of Solas and Lavellan.
The word is a simple one, but it is filled with so much meaning I love it.
That person isn't 'just' your love or your dearest one, no. They are part of you, they are your heart. Your heart is always with you. You can feel it every second, as it beats life into your veins. Flesh and blood. Do spirits even have hearts?
It is the very symbol of being alive.
Yet after entrusting his heart to Lavellan, Solas breaks the both of theirs as he leaves her to walk his path of destruction. The heart once freely bestowed is now being carved out of its ribcage.
How is one supposed to live without one's heart? They may keep appearances to lead their now opposing causes, they are both miserable inside. He cannot stop himself from visiting her in her dreams. She is ready to leave everything behind to reunite with him, in time.
So after surviving ten years with their hearts ripped away from them, their reunion is beautiful.
For Vhenan is not just a heart, it is a home. đ
I had to get a couple of ultrasounds last year and I havenât gotten over how this is indicated in my test results as, among other things, âcervix: unremarkableâ
Yes. Unremarkable is an incredibly good thing for a medical examination to be. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything is fine. This is good news.
But I literally CANNOT STOP laughing at âpussy: basicâ being in my medical records.
hate solas or not romance him or not whatever like. i dont understand how he doesnt drive everyone CRAZY as a character.
like. have you ever just sat and thought about. what it must be like. the trauma. the shakespearean sadness of being the only person that remembers DEATH not being a thing.
and you feel so insane because youre going around telling people âno you dont understand the world as it exists now is fucking horrible people used to not DIE.â and theyre like âits fine as it is just let it be and let us live and die as we areâ, desperate for you to acknowledge their personhood. Meanwhile your entire race is the victim of genocide and slavery and cultural erasure, what little magic remains in the world is shunned and mages are systematically imprisoned for being fucking born and people die of old age and its because of you. and now its your cross to bear to atone for ALL of that and justify to people that the world could be better but no one else knows anything different so they dont get it and just know they dont want to die.
And so the only way you can cope with the trauma of that is by treating the world and everyone in it like itâs a bad dream.
Its just so existential. Itâs like what if you could talk to God and ask him why he made the world but he was just some vaguely pathetic dude and his answer was âit was a mistake and i regret it every dayâ.
ThIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I always say Dorian is my favorite DAI character, but I have not combed through tumblr posts discussing him, his motivations, his story, the lore surrounding him, screeching at analysis posts. But I sure as hell am doing that for Solas because ITS FREAKING NUTS BRO.
And also, that last line??? Its giving that infamous Spy Kids 2 line: "Do you think that the reason God stays up in heaven... is because he too, lives in fear of his creations?"
Q: 'Why did you create the world?' - Solas: "It was a mistake and a wrong I have been trying to correct."
