[cake-and-space]

on the subject of...

... being 28... and never having even...

held hands with someone i like who also likes me; kissed anyone without it being against my will (just the one time dw); of listening to friends sit and talk about their various relationships... and one night stands... and how people find them ‘hot’... and how hot they find other people... where we live in a world where ‘i would’ is the gold standard for whether someone is a valuable person or not

it’s something i think about all the time.  thought about for years.  years and years and years and years and years.

and it’s a difficult one. because in some ways i want all that.

in other ways i dont

in some ways i want to be objectified.  in 28 years of living in this stupid society where we’re taught that looks make you more valued than literally anything else, i’ve never been told i’m pretty // hot // gorgeous // fit without people feeling like they’ve been prompted first somehow.  (or they’re joking haha ow)

that’s fine, i guess, i know i’m not, and this is not a call for attention, please dont leave comments to the contrary, that’s not what i mean, that’s not what i want, that’s not what i need, because it wont mean anything.  in my entire life there’s only been, like, 5 people i’d genuinely want to hear that from anyway, (and even then, do i? i dont even know, god) and those times have worn me down, shown me im not ‘worth it’.  it’s too much effort.  i dont want to care.

and do i want to hear it?  i dont know, because in other ways i want to tear myself apart for even thinking that’s what i want.  

even ive had guys come up to me in london when im alone and try to talk to me, tell me things that make my skin crawl, and it’s the worst thing.  but for a second, just a second, it makes you think.  maybe im worth something.  maybe im good enough.  being viewed as a sexual object, something maybe pretty, wow, maybe that means i mean something.

hah.  how fucking disgusting.

anyway, like i said, it’s difficult

the irony of it all is that in a lot of ways, this is all a choice ive made.  i treat a decent percentage of guys with a constant vigilance, always wary of a likely non-existent ulterior motive; also ironic given i pretty much believe that it’s impossible for someone to feel ~like that~ about me.  it’s about as frustrating as it sounds to have this all going in my head, let alone paired with the complicated mental loops that come from being asexual.  im on constant mental lockdown whether i like it or not, despite not having to have gone through even 1% of the objectification and creepy offers from even creepier guys that my ‘’’hot’’’ friends have.  

which, again, im sometimes actually jealous of, whilst also being terrified of, because the human condition is horrendous and desperate for any kind of attention, i guess.

i also get jealous when girls can show casual affection without worrying that it’ll come across as ‘flirty’ or like they have some ulterior motive (though they might i guess, but then the point here is that they dont care), but hey, you know, constant vigilance, lockdown.  or possibly i am simply respecting boundaries?  hmm.  hmmmmmmmmmmmm.  

i dont really know what i’m trying to get across here.  just that ‘normal’ is a construct and maybe in x years i’ll look back on this and laugh but for now im feeling beat down and like the 45th wheel and like love is all around me from a three feet perimeter and i still dont even know if i want that perimeter to break or if im perfectly content with it staying right 

the fuck 

where it is

[junjunkii]

realizing you’re on the ace spectrum like

“I’d hit that.” “You… you don’t even know them though??”

“Oh come on, everyone has a list of celebrities they’d totally have sex with if they had a chance.” “Haha yeah ok” *internally* what

“Ya so like for the past few years I’ve felt zero attraction to people I wasn’t friends with first?? Lol what’s up with that”

Why did you have to have sex with them?? Couldn’t you just hold it?? Like pee??

“You’ll meet someone who makes you feel like that someday, don’t worry” “……sounds fake but ok”

“Sex is an important part of a relationship! Everyone has sexual needs!” “….sounds fake but ok”

“Dude that girl is so hot” “I know right?? Look at her fucking eyeliner. Goals. The fuck.” “No I meant like… look at that ass” “Are we looking at the same person are you really focussing on her ass look at how visually appealing her outfit is and dont you dare fuckin tell me that eyeliner isnt fierce as hell”

“Aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction are two different things” *puzzle pieces vERY RAPIDLY FALLING INTO PLACE*

*staring at the ceiling at two-thirty in the morning* i could die a virgin and i would regret absolutely nothing

“What’s your ideal girl like?” “Uh… my best friend?” “Oh cute, you want your girlfriend to be the one who knows you best!” “No I meant I am literally only attracted to my best friend she is my ideal girl please help I am dying”

“We’ve been dating for six months and we still haven’t had sex!!” “Have you marathoned Star Wars together yet?” “Yeah we did that like two weeks ago” “Well what more do you want”

*thinking about an attractive woman* *dissecting my entire personality and sexuality to figure out why I’m attracted to her this time* is it the muscles. Oh my god is this a sex thing. Oh my god what the hell is this. Oh my god what the fuck is the wtf the fuck the fUCK

*Next day* Zarya could punch me in the face while eating me out and I’d let her but only because she’s a fictional character and therefore could literally never do that

*writing fanfic* ONLY CLOSE FRIENDS HAVE SEX BC ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE MAKES SENSE TO ME

(why is that tho. maybe i should look into that *doesnt look into it*)

“What do you find most attractive in a girl?” “Gotta love those strong emotional bonds” “No I meant like what’s a turn-on for you?” “DID I McFUCKING STUTTER”

*staring at the ceiling at two-thirty in the morning again* sexual attraction should be added to the cryptid wikia

“Yeah sex sounds like a great stress reliever and a nice way to strengthen the bonds between you and your partner(s)” “Well there’s more to it than that…” *The Arctic Monkey’s Do I Wanna Know starts playing in my head* “Haha ok buddy”

“There’s more to being ace than just not being interested in having sex or not feeling sexual attraction. In fact there’s a whole spectrum. You may even feel sexual attraction sometimes but still be ace. You can also be gay and ace at the same time.” “…bro.” “Also it’s totally normal.” *sobbing* “…bro. Bro there are words for it there’s an entire list oh my god-”

“-finally.”

[barbsart]

I drew Todd from Bojack Horseman because asexual representation is SO important and him coming out to Bojack made me cry!

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Certified Asexual Stamp by lovemystarfire

[cake-and-space]

Huh.  So this is how it feels to be a minority represented fairly and accurately and well in the media.  I never really watched Bojack but... they’ve done an amazing thing with Todd.  And Aaron’s support means more than I can say, too <3

[markwatneythespacepirate]

My favorite thing is the sheer amount of ace people who thought sexual attraction was a joke.

[elfrightsactivist]

#straight up i thought everyone else was pretending to be More Adult by talking about their sexual attraction to people (via @birdthebee) 

[cake-and-space]

On the Subject of Labels

One of the most interesting phenomena I’ve noticed when it comes to sexuality is just how many labels are flying about nowadays.  They pop up like daisies, more and more everyday, like people are trying to pigeonhole every tiny little aspect of the human experience that they can find.

I’m not complaining, though.

Here’s the thing about labels: they make the label-ee feel welcome.  Before I knew about the general concept of ‘asexuality’, I was worried; scared, even.  I had no idea what was going on with me, why I felt the way I did (or, well, didn’t), whether or not I was the only one.  (Quick tip: in a world of 7 billion people, you’re never the only one.  Comforting?  Disheartening?  I’m not sure.)  When I first realised asexuality was a thing that other people experienced, that I wasn’t alone, it was like seeing the light.  I found AVEN. I found solidarity.

It’s funny to think I was brought up in a world that believed we were boxed into heterosexual and homosexual, and maybe bisexuality got a mention in if you were lucky.  Now, there’s an entire spectrum of asexuality.  Some say it’s too much, and okay, maybe it’s a bit overwhelming when someone comes at you listing off words like ‘demisexual, autochorissexual, gray ace, aromantic, demiromantic’, but to dismiss it all off hand purely based on quantity is just being lazy.

To me, each label allows for someone, somewhere, to realise that they aren’t alone, and that there are other people out there who share their experiences.  That’s worth it every time.  

[cake-and-space]

Okay listen.  Listen.  I was never planning on doing this, on putting my sexuality on a pedestal and going ‘hey, look at this!’ and pointing to it like some proud parent, and you know why?  I’m not proud, most of the time.  I keep the fact of my asexuality locked away quietly and go about life whilst being forcefully reminded every day of the nature of society and how it’s driven by sex.

If you’re reading that and thinking, ‘well, why hide it?’ then kudos, you’re probably a decent human being who doesn’t place immediate prejudice on another person for being wired differently to you.  Or, alternatively, you just don’t know what ‘asexual’ really means in a human context (not a plant context - trust me, that one got old the very first time), so here it is, as plain as I can make it:

Asexuality defines a lack of sexual attraction.

I just.. don’t feel it.  At all.  Like, ever.  It’s as foreign to me as the idea of not feeling sexual attraction likely is to sexuals (also known as ‘allos’ in the ace community sometimes).  

Now, if you’re still asking yourself, ‘why hide it’, then well done, you’ve passed the test.  I’m so proud.  Have a baked good of your choice. Here’s the primary answer:

People are jerks.  

The responses I’ve had when I have put my trust in people and told them I’m asexual have ranged from pure and utter confusion, outright denial, name-calling (’freak’, ‘broken’), asking if I’ve ever been abused (the answer to which is a defiant no), making the plant jokes, and more.  People just do not want to accept it, and hey, I kind of get it.  I’ve met people who don’t like chocolate before, but the difference there is I accept their decision and enjoy more chocolate for myself, because their dislike of chocolate doesn’t directly affect me.

I guess the second question might be ‘why now?’  Simple answer: I’m tired.  I’d rather be able to just.. be myself, without having to worry about stigma.  That’d be nice.

Anyway I have a lot of thoughts which I’m sure I’ll end up using this blog for.  I’m also leaving the inbox open if you want to have some ace ranting or ace musing at someone who gets it.  

Also, hi.