Firstly, sorry Nat for invading with a submission but it seems it was too long for an ask? Not sure how roommie anon did.
I am not a beacon of The Gay Experience. I accepted that I was really attracted to women, besides men, while being in a committed heterosexual relationship. Because my label for myself changed while in a straight relationship, I didn’t have to “come out” or tell anyone about it that I felt uncomfortable telling. Right now, I’m single and open to dating any gender. If I ever do, this will mean that I will have to present a non-cis-male partner to my homophobic and conservative parents, probably breaking their hearts and their dreams for me. Honestly, I can’t attest to how difficult this can be because I haven’t experienced it, and many others on this blog can speak from their own experiences with a lot more accuracy and better advice.
What I do want to address mostly, is how you speak of your mother and your friends.
I am not surprised, because I’ve seen this happen a lot and it happened to me, that you call your friends “friends” but then say you hate them and that they’re mean to you. Over the years, I have dropped many friendships and I know it’s a hard thing to do, but mostly I think you could consider working on who you let into your life. Real friends will not joke about you being a slut unless you’re okay with it, real friends will support you and listen to your truth, real friends will not make you feel less of yourself. It’s true what they say about it being better to be alone than in bad company. If these friendships are harmful to your mental health, it won’t get better over time. It takes a toll on you eventually. Your roommate? That’s a real friend (and love story) from everything you described. Whether or not you two are in love is beyond my knowledge (you are tho), but you certainly know how to support and be there for one another, and that’s what you should seek out of all your relationships.
I’m 28 years old now and people are starting to pressure me with the baby thing. I’m “supposed” to have a baby before I’m 35, or I’ll regret it. I’m “supposed” to get married soon. I’m “supposed” to do all these things that are basically just societal norms with no real value to my life. The language you use to describe having a boyfriend - “I want to be seen”, “my mom would be so proud”, “my friends would congratulate me”. There’s a point in your life - and maybe it’s not now, but some day - where you’ll want to start focusing on what YOU want, and not what others want FROM you. Living by the standards of other people will only lead you to unhappiness. The sooner you work on accepting that you want different things than what other people see as ‘normal’, the freer you will feel. There is nothing to gain from the acceptance of others when it comes to things so tightly wound with your identity and a major part of your life.
True friends won’t be happy to see you walk down the road they want you to be in. True friends will listen to what your journey is, and support it whatever you may choose to do, because it feels right for you. This is a major tell for what people in your life are toxic and who’s there for you come what may.
Your mother will have a hard time, sure. But she has her own life to choose for herself. She doesn’t get to choose for you. She may not even be aware of the damage and the pressure she puts on to you. I think others will be able to speak on this better than I can, but I will say this: if I where to bring a girlfriend to my parent’s house, my mom’s heart would be broken. She would be disappointed. She would think she did something wrong. Ultimately, I want to believe she would just be okay with it, even if she’s frustrated and disappointed, because this is my life and I get to choose what I want from it. If she didn’t - then it’s going to hurt like freaking hell but it’s better for me to be able to live my truth.
You are on a journey to find yourself and you should surround yourself with people who support your trip. People who will offer you sound advice even if it clashes with their worldview, people who may not really understand what you’re going through but will “yas girl” you the entire way, people who won’t judge you for being undecided or going back and forth with something or not completely understanding your identity yet. A support network is such a necessary thing to have. Please consider surrounding yourself with the right people, even if it hurts to say goodbye. Time will heal the wound of a farewell, but constant bruising to your confidence, ego, and sense of self can do enough damage to last a lifetime.
Thanks to Nat for creating such a strong and supportive platform. You are the kween and my favourite LGBTQI+ flavour.
Great advice and thoughts and thank you for the kind shout out at the end 💞
