Taylor
I’m afraid of falling into an Adderall addiction again. I’ve been clean for just over three months (after five years), but even yesterday when I was feeling bad about my body I thought about renewing my prescription. And sure, I could, but it might play out the same way; the whole bottle gone in less than a week. Awake the entire time, trying to lose as much weight as possible. Running thirty miles in the middle of the night, no food, aggressive dancing, hallucinations.
What am I really afraid of? The boy I liked in fourth grade said I had thunder thighs. My sister said I had a double chin. Maybe this amphetamine addiction was a roundabout way of trying to feel loved, to feel alive. So right now I’m nudging myself to accept the weight I’ve gained since I quit. I work as a nude life model for art classes, which is hard to do when I am at war with how I look. So I purposefully sought out my biggest fear and made it my job.
– from the series Private Fears












