Carl Bower

denver editorial and portrait photographer

[carlbower]

Taylor

I’m afraid of falling into an Adderall addiction again. I’ve been clean for just over three months (after five years), but even yesterday when I was feeling bad about my body I thought about renewing my prescription. And sure, I could, but it might play out the same way; the whole bottle gone in less than a week. Awake the entire time, trying to lose as much weight as possible. Running thirty miles in the middle of the night, no food, aggressive dancing, hallucinations. 

What am I really afraid of? The boy I liked in fourth grade said I had thunder thighs. My sister said I had a double chin. Maybe this amphetamine addiction was a roundabout way of trying to feel loved, to feel alive. So right now I’m nudging myself to accept the weight I’ve gained since I quit. I work as a nude life model for art classes, which is hard to do when I am at war with how I look. So I purposefully sought out my biggest fear and made it my job.

– from the series Private Fears

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Maria

I am afraid that my career is over. That the emails stopped coming, or the sales stopped happening, not because of the recent events in my life that kept me from working full force, but because my work isn’t truly good. That I am a one hit wonder that will soon fizzle into some not-very-present memory. I’m washed up; I’m over. My art is weak; my statements aren’t smart enough; all that I have been working for was for nothing. In the end, no one really cared. I’m afraid that devoting my life to art was all along a ridiculous idea—just an illusion—and I was just a fool for pursuing it.

– from the series Private Fears

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Melody

I'm afraid there is something intrinsically wrong with me. My mother has lived an isolated existence, chasing everyone away by virtue of being herself. I fear I will do the same.

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Proud to have made the cut to this year's @photolucida Critical Mass 50! Much thanks to the 200 jurors and congratulations to the other 49 finalists. I made it several years ago with Chica Barbie, but this is for current work that is a complete departure from what I've done in the past, so it's gratifying to know there's an audience for it.

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Mirjana

I'm afraid that I'm too weird. I had a strange, unhappy childhood; my family deeply isolated itself from mainstream culture, so my whole world was old books. As a result, I speak, think, and act very differently from what people expect from a female twenty-something. At the same time, I know that the only thing worth pursuing in life is love: constantly learning to love everything – every individual person, each atom of the universe, every heartbeat – as deeply as its Creator loves it.

The problem is, being deeply eccentric closes so many doors. If you have no idea how to relate to someone, how can you love them? I only want one thing in life, but it feels impossible because of choices my parents made decades ago. 

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Chica Barbie in Float Magazine

My series Chica Barbie is in Float Magazine. It’s a study of the conflation of beauty and attraction, the use of physical beauty as a commodity, and Faustian bargains, all in the context of the national mania for beauty pageants in Colombia.

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Private Fears exhibited in China

Installation photos of The Relationship Show, curated by Patti Hallock and Samantha Johnston, on display in September at the Pingyao International Arts Festival in China. The exhibit contained five images dealing with the subjects’ relationships with others from my Private Fears series, along with works by Maureen Drennan, Laura Beth Reese and Matthew Swarts. Images are pigment prints with adjacent text within the frame, 24″x34″.

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Makayla

I'm terrified of my ultra conservative family discovering my bisexuality. I’m also afraid of disconnection. I tell myself I'm not ready to settle down with one person, I need variety, I'm too independent, I'm still finding myself. It's all true, but it’s also a barrier. When I find myself getting close to truly loving someone, I end up self-sabotaging. Being vulnerable is an experience that connects us, but once we are hurt, nobody is willing to open up again, to trust completely. Relationships start to become more meaningless, surface level, or all about sex. I fear a world full of people using each other; I fear the fact that I am one of those people. No matter my intentions or how aware I am, I disconnect and choose control over love every time.

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Palynn received the Director’s Award at the Colorado Photographic Arts Center member’s show, curated by Kat Kiernan, Editor in Chief of Don’t Take Pictures. After working on Private Fears for over two years, I began showing the project this spring and this was its debut on a gallery wall. More to come.

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Jessica

I want to be a person with courage, bravery and serenity. To be that person, I must search my soul, admit my faults and change my self destructive ways. But I am afraid that if I admit my faults, someone will use them against me. Just like he did.

He took every one of my deepest, darkest, most frightening fears, my most shameful mistakes, my most secret insecurities and found a way to use each of them against me to the world. It was the ultimate betrayal. Just because I made a choice to start a journey to be a better person.

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Palynn featured in Fraction Magazine’s 11th Anniversary Issue.

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Much gratitude to @kat_kiernan at @donttakepictures for including Private Fears in her dispatch on projects seen in the @mopcolorado and @cpacphoto review, along with work by @stephburchett @angelafarisbelt and @aheilner. It was the first time I’ve really shown the work and I’m also grateful to @johnston_se for bringing in so many reviewers from around the country. https://www.instagram.com/p/BwFpCE9BSe_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13gqq0pf7loh0

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Fisheye, the French photography magazine, ran a story on Private Fears in their March issue.

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I was recently commissioned by showingpregnancy.org to do stories on pregnancy in the workplace. They ran a profile on my approach to the specific project and my documentary practice in general.

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Carolyne

Sometimes I am afraid of becoming severely depressed. I have been crippled by depression before in the past. Now that I have son, I try to keep it at bay.

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Aaryn

I am afraid that my daughters will be disappointed in me as a father when they grow up.

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Rick

I am most afraid of people seeing the real me and being shocked by the depth of my depression. I put up a great façade so nobody sees what’s inside.