IG: @blossom
Keni

roma★

izzy's playlists!
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Jules of Nature

JVL

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

Kaledo Art
d e v o n
trying on a metaphor

Product Placement
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Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
cherry valley forever

titsay

shark vs the universe
taylor price

ellievsbear
Peter Solarz

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@cas-mishamigo
IG: @blossom
A quick little something I knocked together, the patented tragic backstory generator ™ is the easiest way to give your character a mythically horrible origin.
(actual tragedy may vary, results are final and non-negotiable, i am not responsible for any tears you may shed while imagining the sad life your character must have led up to this point)
Roll this for every single character in your campaign
HEY YOU YEAH YOU
DO YOU LIKE FAKE MARRIAGE STORIES?
DO YOU LIKE SPIES??
DO YOU LIKE SMOL CHILDREN WITH PSYCHIC POWERS???
THEN SIT THE FUCK DOWN CAUSE I HAVE A NEW MANGA FOR YOU
MEET SPY X FAMILY
THE MAN IS AGENT TWILIGHT, A SPY WHO HAS DISCARDED EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS PAST IN OrDER TO WORK FOR THE COUNTRY OF WESTALIS IN OPPOSITION TO THE COUNTRY OF OSTANIA
KINDA COLD WAR-ISH
HE KICKS ASS, HAS ALL THE GADGETS AND CAN CREATE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE-LIKE FACE-CHANGING MASKS
HE’S THE KINDA GUY YOU REALLY DON’T WANNA FUCK AROUND WITH
FOR HIS NEXT JOB HE’S GOTTA TAKE OUT A POLITICIAN WHO ONLY COMES OUT IN PUBLIC FOR HIS SON’S ELITE SCHOOL REUNIONS
AND TO INFILTRATE THAT AGENT TWILIGHT IS GONNA NEED
*DRUM THE FUCKING ROLLS*
TO ADOPT A KID!
THIS IS ANYA
SHE SMOL
SHE CUTE
SHE A RUNAWAY CHILD FROM AN UNDERGROUND EXPERIMENT THAT GAVE HER THE POWER TO READ PEOPLE’S THOUGHTS
SHE MAY HAVE HORNS, ANTENNAE OR JUST A BOW, I’M NOT SURE
SHE LEARNS TWILIGHT IS A SPY AND TRICKS HIM INTO ADOPTING HER AND THUS BEGINS THE FAKE!PARENT AND CHILD SHENANIGANS WITH A HEALTHY DOSE OF CUTE BONDING
CAN YOU FEEL THE DIABETES YET
BUT THE SCHOOL ALSO REQUIRES MEETINGS TO BE WITH BOTH PARENTS, SO TWILIGHT NEEDS TO FIND A WIFE
THUS ENTERS YORU BRIAR
SHE’S A 27-YEAR-OLD OFFICE WALLFLOWER
SHE’S AN ORPHAN WHO RAISED HER YOUNGER BROTHER ON HER OWN
SHE STICKS HER LEGGY UP REAL FAR
SHE’S ALSO A HITWOMAN UNDER THE CODENAME “THORN PRINCESS” WHO ESPECIALIZES IN KILLING LOADS OF PEOPLE WITH HUGE NEEDLES AND CAN PUNCH YOU SO HARD YOU’LL THANK HER
(SHE’S STRONGER THAN TWILIGHT TOO)
WHEN SHE LIES TO HER BROTHER ABOUT HAVING A BOYFRIEND TO GET HIM OFF HER BACK, HER BROTHER INSISTS IN MEETING THE MAN PERSONALLY AND WILL EVEN REJECT A JOB PROMOTION UNTIL THEY MEET
AND SO THESE TWO CASUALLY MEET AND WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM ANYA, WHO FINDS OUT YORU IS A HITWOMAN AND REALIZES HAVING A SPY AND A HITWOMAN FOR PARENTS WOULD BE ENTERTAINING AS ALL HELL, THEY DECIDE TO FAKE A RELATIONSHIP TO HELP EACH OTHER’S GOALS
TWILIGHT WILL PRETEND TO BE YORU’S BOYFRIEND TO GET HER BROTHER OFF HER BACK
YORU WILL PRETEND TO BE TWILIGHT’S WIFE SO ANYA CAN GET IN THE ELITE SCHOOL
BUT BECAUSE THE POLITICAL CLIMATE IS SO HEAVY WITH SUSPICION AND PEOPLE ARE BEING FALSELY ACCUSED TO BEING SPIES ALL THE TIME, THEY DECIDE TO FAKE-MARRY FOR REAL, JUST TO APPEAR LIKE A NORMAL COUPLE AND THROW SUSPICION OFF THEM AND THEIR RESPECTIVE SECRET JOBS
BUT JUST UNTIL THEY MEET THEIR GOALS RIGHT GUYS
THERE’S DEFINITELY NOT GONNA BE ANY REAL FEELINGS DEVELOPING OR ANYTHING RIGHT GUYS
YES THAT IS A GRENADE PIN TWILIGHT USED AS A WEDDING RING GUYS
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE ACTUAL, GREATEST THING IS? NOBODY KNOWS THE OTHER PARTY’S SECRET
TWILIGHT DOESN’T KNOW YORU IS A HITWOMAN
YORU DOESN’T KNOW TWILIGHT IS A SPY
NOBODY KNOWS ANYA IS PSYCHIC
ANYA KNOWS EVERYTHING BUT PRETENDS NOT TO SO SHE CAN HAVE A FAMILY
IT’S SUCH A STUPID, HILARIOUS CLUSTERFUCK THAT WILL BLOW UP IN GOD KNOWS WHICH WAY AND I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT FOR IT
THUS FAR THERE’S TWO CHAPTERS OUT, 50 PAGES EACH. IT RELEASES ON THE MANGAPLUS APP BI-MONTHLY WHICH IS A LONG WAIT BUT OH GOD SO FUCKING WORTH IT
AND I HOPE THIS POST WILL CONVINCE MORE PEOPLE TO READ IT AND KEEP IT RUNNING FOR MANY YEARS TO COME
Once upon a time, there was a city ruled by three sister princesses. They were much-loved in their kingdom- the eldest with eyes of brightest blue, the middle with lips of sweetest pink, and the youngest with hair of deepest red. They were incredibly close, acting as each other’s friends and confidantes. They were just, and kind, able to balance the people and keep the peace in their land.
For a time, all was well.
And then it wasn’t.
Mother?
Shh.
A neighboring kingdom, jealous of this city’s prosperity and peace, sought to disrupt it. They dragged to its gates hideous war machines, made of magic and steel and human skin. The king, a man of great magical learning and power, demanded the princesses surrender their city to him, and if they did not, he said, he would raze it to the ground.
Mother, I’ve never heard of this story.
Then listen when I tell it to you.
The youngest daughter, when she heard, did up her deep red hair, put on a delicate crown, and clothed herself in a beautiful dress. “I will offer him an alliance,” she told her sisters. “I will give him my hand in marriage for our kingdom’s safety.”
The other sisters wept, understanding the sacrifice that their youngest was making, and held her close until dawn. They saw her off at the castle gates, and watched until she disappeared into the still city.
When the youngest daughter reached the enemy’s camp, she stood tall, and did not show her fear. She spoke kindly to the weary soldiers, curtsied before the cruel sorcerer-king as custom demanded. She was brave, oh, my darling, she was so brave.
And the king spat at her fine words, and spoke the words that drew all the light from out of her, until she went mad with despair. As the sun set on the day, and on the youngest sister, who lay despondent in the middle of the camp, a soldier came upon her, and killed her in a fit of mercy.
But you said that she was brave.
Yes. She was.
When the other sisters heard, the middle sister donned silver armor, borrowed from the guards in the castle, and took up a crossbow. “I go to kill the king,” she said. “I go to avenge our youngest.”
And the eldest held her close, and wept, until she let her go and watched her disappear from sight into the streets.
When the middle sister arrived at the camp, she moved quietly, looking through the tents with eyes and a heart made cold with fury and grief. She reached the king’s tent- asleep, inside was the enemy, and she raised her crossbow to finish the job. And she would have, darling, she would have, had she not seen, hanging from the post of the kings fine bed, her sister’s delicate crown.
The king awoke when she sobbed at the sight of it, and spoke words that caused her to wither and decay where she stood, crumbling to rotted remains inside a suit of armor.
Mother, I don’t like this story.
You must hear it.
The eldest sister heard the news and she did not weep. She drew her courage about her, and set off into the forest to find her and her sister’s mother, who was a powerful witch.
Her mother answered the door and bade her come inside, offering her condolences about her sister’s fates. Once the door had closed, her mother hesitated, then spoke.
“I left you in that castle long ago, and I will give you your answers, and then I will give you your vengeance against the king.”
And so the daughter listened.
Mother, I don’t want to hear this.
Listen, daughter.
Long ago, there had been a queen with great magickal abilities, but she was never able to find a love, so she used those powers to create three daughters.
One, she formed from a bottle of light captured at the sun’s violent surrender to night. It woke last, a child with beautiful red hair, and so it was the youngest.
One, she shaped from a gentle pink anemone, the last in her castle’s courtyard to survive winter’s onslaught. It woke second, a child with curved pink lips, and so it was the middle.
One, she carved from a piece of sapphire the size of her fist, and as she did, she cut her finger with the blade, so it was made with blood, as well. It woke immediately, with bright blue eyes, so it was the eldest.
The sun took her first child home, she told the sapphire-girl. Her body turned to light, and then to nothing, what it always was. The body of her second daughter rotted in the encampment like a flower decayed beyond its lifespan. “All the king can do is turn you back to what you were before,” she told her daughter. “He will turn you back to stone if you are unprotected.”
She gave her daughter a vial full of black liquid. “This will turn your heart forever to sapphire. The king will be unable to change you- but you will never feel again. No blade shall pierce your skin, but no joy or grief will stir within you. You will never be warm, or cold. I offer you not immortality, but a half-life of invincibility.”
The daughter regarded the vial, and uncorked it. She brought it to her lips, but before she drank, she asked her mother, “Why did you leave us?”
And then she swallowed, so she would not care about the response, and she left her mother in her home before she found the answer.
But why did their mother leave them?
Because she knew, daughter, even then, that her eldest child was capable of committing this act, and she was afraid.
The eldest daughter marched to the encampment, and to the kings tent. She was attacked, but nothing drew blood, and so she went forward. The king, upon seeing her, spoke the words that would have crumbled her to so many sapphire shards, but nothing happened.
She pulled out the king’s heart through his armor, and she felt no relief at having killed him.
She felt nothing.
The end.
Mother?
Mother, that can’t be how the story ends.
Mother, that is not how the story ends.
Do you want another ending?
Yes.
Very well, then.
The people saw what their queen had done, and began to fear her. The queen, unable to feel love or even affection, went back to her mother to find a way to make a child that her people would adore, because, without emotion, she saw that that was what they needed.
The child was made of ice over a pond, and her hair was the orange-white color of the fish, still alive in the cold.
And the queen raised her daughter to love the kingdom, to rule well, and to one day overthrow her mother.
Is that better?
No, mother, it’s- it’s not.
I am sorry.
Why did you tell it to me?
Because you deserved to know, daughter.
You deserved to know what I did.
@ninja-kitty-more-like-no YOUR CARDS ARE:
THE WINTER LADY - A HEART BREAKER A CONNIVER ONE WHO PLAYS DUMB BUT PULLS THE STRINGS
THE BURNING GARDEN - MANIC GLEE ALL WILL BURN AND BE REBORN FROM THE ASH
THE DROWNED KING - A KING TAKEN BY THE VERY FORCE HE SOUGHT TO CONQUER
bard is a combat class which is true bc I’ve never met anyone in marching band that didn’t want to throw down
playing tuba in marching band means you can power walk 2 miles backwards on your toes in 16 minutes whithout bending your knees while carrying a 35lb blunt metal object with your arms held at right angles and blasting every extra gulp of oxygen you can spare without asphyxiating to make sounds loud enough to deafen the dead in an an act of pure unchristian violence, your bard is the party member who will teach you how to kill god by example
a softer spider-verse
[Prompt]: A fantasy world is so used to human children arriving to go on quests and learn moral lessons that they've set up a whole bureaucracy to deal with it.
“Name?”
“Trudy C-”
“Is that a nickname? I need your full name.”
“…Gertrude Chau.”
“Favorite mythical creature?”
“Unicorns.”
“…do you have a second favorite?”
“…Mermaids?”
“I can get you mermaids. What were you doing before you - how did you say you got here?”
“I looked under my bed for monsters and fell.”
Scribble scribble. “Before that, what were you doing?”
“We just moved and -”
“Hang on -” Papers rustle. “Which of the following best describes your attitude: excitement about your new opportunities, apprehension about your new school or neighborhood, resentment at loss of old friends and familiar settings, or other?”
“….what does resentment mean?”
“It means you’re mad that they were taken away.”
“That one.”
“Okay. And, fingerprints here in case you take longer on your quest than you’re supposed to and we need to do a locator spell; and would you like a dagger, magic wand, animal companion, or bow and arrows?”
“I only get one?”
“You can combine the animal companion with another option if you fill out form 37-J -”
“I’ll just take the magic wand.”
“There’s a bin of them by the door; take one and then recite this fairy-summoning chant to call a guide fairy and be led to your destination.” Stamp, check, peeling of carbon paper. “This is your copy. Next!”
@elucubrare i believe this is your department
I would read this
So would I.
the moon asks a question by dirgewithoutmusic
illustrated by purutsukid
new meme, this birthday candle website tells you what three scents a fanfic writer would use to describe how you smell
i smell like bergamot, cinnamon, and mahogany
what is it about fungi that’s so mythical and freaky and set in humanities heads as “fable and Other Folk” fodder
the lore
the vibes
the spooky feeling in the Ghosts and Aliens Section of my brain that goes off
like, look at this and tell me that magic isn’t real and doesn’t want to strip us bare and use our souls as bartering chips in cosmic games of poker
mushrooms are an ancient force of growth and decay, life and rot, collapse and creation; they have been here long before us and will remain long after we’re gone- devouring that which kills us and creating that which forgets us.
it is best you tread carefully.
I’m studying biotech and every time someone brings up mushrooms our current professor will look either extremely exited or pained and go “listen.. mushrooms are neither plants nor animals nor something in between. They elude all attempts to categorize them. We do not know what they are. Some are immortal. Some produce live saving substances. Some are so closely related to humans that eating them may cause an allergic reaction against your own body. I cannot teach you about the mushrooms”
i’m watching a british youtuber’s birthday stream and an aussie viewer sent in a comment saying “why was he born so beautiful, why was he born at all? because he had no say in it, no say in it at all” which was received with confused existential horror, and this is how i just discovered that australian happy birthday songs are not universal
oops
do you not sing this in other countries?!?!??
NO we do not sing a lament for someone’s personal beauty wishing they’d never been born. That is some weird Greek tragedy shit.
I think it was before I started posting story concepts on tumblr but I had an old concept called ‘apocalyptia’ which was a dark comedy about a world where every apocalypse movie premise happened simultaneously
The big joke was that all these HUGE disasters cancelled each other out. A bunch of shit flooding kept the zombies contained. The super intelligent apes stopped global warming. The leather-clad motorcycle murder gangs intimidate the alien invaders.
Everything sucks in like 8 overlapping ways but it’s just become the norm at this point. There’s a guy named Cannibal Jack that people trust to cook for them for some reason.
The main character is a recluse with a shotgun who just wants to sit in her shack and give cynical advice to passing young people, but unfortunately, her younger brother and only surviving family member is a conman with his fingers in every stupid decision being made within a ten mile radius
The brother’s name is Sal, which is short for SOMETHING but he changes his answer every time. He seems to think this qualifies as an alias, and bizarrely, it usually works. Notable ‘definitely Sal’s real name’ options include Salt, Salmon, Salamander, and Salad.
His sister’s name is Marian, occasionally called Misery Marian. It is a running joke that young characters think this is a reference to her bad attitude, but anyone who actually CALLS her that is clearly terrified of her for some unspecified reason.
Sal’s got an on-again off-again business partner by the name of Kent Bardsley, who is just.... SO irresponsibly horny. Sal’s motivation is money, but Kent’s is sex. He keeps getting run out of town for sleeping with important people’s wives. He’s an idiot, but he’s not a conman like Sal, he just helps him with his schemes as an in to towns so he can visit his assortment of fuckbuddies.
The joke of Kent’s character is that the ‘apocalypse’ he’s part of is conservative scaremongering about sexual freedom destroying society. He gets a last name because while Sal calls him Kenny, Marian calls him ‘Bardsley’ with deep contempt.
The fuck types of our characters so far:
Marian: fuck off
Sal: fuck you, pay me
Kent: fuck me
Cannibal Jack: what the fuck
There’s an alien named Glipix who is investigating why the invasion failed and her analysis tends to boil down to ‘damn bitch you really live like this?’
Kent is really into her but his flirting goes right over her head. Marian’s the only one she respects anyways.
Kent: Hey, you looking to get those eggs fertilized, beautiful?
Glipix: What pollinators are operating on this horrible planet? Did you see one? I need to speak with them if you did.
Kent: uh
I have a mental image for a TV opening where it’s Marian at like. 12. watching some apocalypse happen through a window and saying “The world ended when I was a girl...” in a really serious tone, and then it pans out to show like 6 other apocalypses happening and her voice turns sarcastic and she says “about thirty fucking times, actually.”
Alright here’s more content for you guys:
—Marian is 46 and spent her 20s and early 30s as a mad max style motorcycle gang member. ‘Misery Marian’ was her moniker while she was LEADING one of these gangs.
—Sal and Kent are somehow unaware of this.
—Sal’s apocalypse is capitalism. Also Godzilla.
—I’m not kidding about that, Sal and Marian’s parents were killed by a giant dinosaur that still sometimes shows up to bother Sal.
Somebody get Taika on the horn STAT.
me: okay, before we go through with this, i just have one question. is the aversion to garlic like, a lactose intolerance thing where you can consume it but you’ll regret it later, or is it more of a severe, potentially lethal allergic reaction kinda sitch?
vampire: *pausing mid-bite* why… does it matter?
me: i’m just not sure if this immortality deal is really worth it if i can never eat garlic again
no but seriously. how much garlic does it take to actually repel a vampire? there are no specific measurements as far as i’m aware, which on the one hand suggests that it’s just any amount at all, but on the other hand it makes vampires look kind of weak and shitty if they can be successfully warded off by a speck of garlic powder in my blood
vampire: now, i know you’re new to this whole vampirism thing, but using that much garlic in your cooking surely can’t agree with you-
me: buddy, i was lactose intolerant before i turned. i’ve suffered worse for less.
angel: aren’t you supposed to be repelled by salt? that must be so painful
demon: i’m already damned to eternal torment in hell, do you really think i’m going to torture myself with bland, unseasoned food as well? no thank you *pops another salt and vinegar chip in their mouth and winces*
faerie: you are aware that iron dampens our magic, right?
other faerie: i will die before i stop eating chocolate and that is a threat
millennial supernatural entities are unstoppable
I spent a good half day being boggled over the fact that Uncle Iroh from A:TLA’s title was (and probably continued to officially be, among several others) Prince Iroh. Like, no, his official title is “Uncle”. Uncle of the Fire Nation.
Zuko ghostwrote this.
talking with your friends about your favorite characters like
This is literally the biggest fandom mood I’ve ever seen.
the thing all sherlock holmes adaptations get wrong is making the guy an irredeemable asshole who treats everyone like shit . not only is it not reflective of the original stories they miss that “nice, smart, well mannered dude who snorts coke when he needs to think” is possibly the funniest character ever devised
I feel like the modern equivalent is that guy you think is super well put together until you find out exactly how much red bull he ingests on a regular basis.
Modern Sherlock is that very nice English Professor-seeming guy who you bring a problem and while walking from the door of his office to his desk he starts explaining the entire solution you need
And upon reaching his desk he’s like “Excuse me one moment.” and pulls out one of those huge Monster canisters they legally aren’t allowed to make anymore, cracks the whole thing, chugs it, takes a deep breath, and then nods at you and is like “Alright, and then what you need to do is…”
Imagine how much better the dynamic of bbc sherlock could have been if they did this.
why even modernize it to energy drinks??? coke didn’t go anywhere. we still have coke. energy drinks aren’t NEARLY chaotic enough.
Its is more like you hiring some guy to do private investigation about how your husband maybe cheating on you and Sherlock comes to your house high as fuck. Walks into your living room and without taking a moment to even talk to you or sign any paperwork, he turns around—pupils as big as god—and just says
“Its your best friend Brenda. I’ll email you the invoice.”
and walks right out of your house.
Because when it was written cocaine was legal and even considered healthy and useful by some laypeople, even though doctors knew it wasn’t, and Watson was always trying to stop people from encouraging Sherlock’s addiction because HE KNEW BETTER.
So consider this, Holmes, at 2am, desperately searching the flat for the stashes of NOS cans, only to keep coming up with passive aggressive pamphlets about the dangers of caffeine overdose.
Watson wakes up to a stench like Satan’s ass to find Sherlock sitting by his bed with a re-heated pot of cold brewed Deathwish Coffee that had been hidden in the back of the toilet tank (brewing) for five months. Sherlock is trying to say he’s proud of John’s cleverness in finding most of the stashes, but he’s passed into the fifth dimension and all John gets is a creepy vibrating grin and a sound like a shaken cat.
TLDR, Sherlock did die when he fell off the Falls, but he was so coked up his body didn’t stop moving until like a decade later.
Sherlock as one of those cryptid types the baristas talk about (there’s a post floating around somewhere) who comes in and orders a venti with as many shots as they are legally allowed to add, plus a few more for good measure (and a hefty tip) and then adds energy drink on top of it before chugging the whole thing, to the absolute horror of the cafe staff.
This is the kind of Sherlock Holmes discourse I demand on my dash. Bring me more!