When Your Partner Transitions
Notes for others going “I THOUGHT I MARRIED A DUDE/LADY.”
Pants was grabbing dinner with his prom date the other day, catching up after 20 years. Through the conversations of what’s new and that special anonymity of speaking with an old friend you haven’t seen in decades, she shared her angst of just finding out that her spouse, the father of their children, is a woman and just starting to transition. She worried that there isn’t much support for partners and spouses. That historically this is grounds for separation. That there isn’t really any guide book.
Because there isn’t really any guide book for us partners when our partner comes out as trans.
It is scary. You wonder if this is still the person that you fell in love with all those years ago. If maybe you didn’t know them as well as you thought you did. That maybe, if they kept this secret they have kept other, even bigger secrets. Can they even still be trusted? Are they still the same person? Am I a bad partner for not noticing?
They are still the same person you fell in love with all those years ago.
Everyone has those things that they hold tight and do not readily share, even with the people they love the most. Take a moment and think about that deep fear, you know, that existential one that you avoid voicing so not to give it power. Have you shared that with your partner? Are you even able to name it? For many people who are trans, their idenity and this fear are linked. All that feeling misplaced, not belonging in their body, shame, rejection, all bundled together. You don’t share that. Not until you’ve battled it and won.
All people have those things, fears and otherwise, that they do not elect to share. That does not mean they are a different person or your relationship with them is less valid. This is true for colleagues as well as spouses, even if it feels less true for spouses.
It is okay to not know your partner is trans before they come out.
Often people who are trans have to go through a period of self-discovery before realizing what exactly is up. If they don’t know they are trans, how are you suppose to know?
Plus, you are probably one of the first people your partner is telling. The amount of trust and vulnerability going into that confession makes it nothing less than a pure confession of love. Value that. Hold on to it.
Change takes time and things change with time.
Changes won’t happen over night. Changes won’t all happen all within the first year. It will take time. And there are a lot of little changes. Changes to how they look, changes to how they socialize, changes to how they talk. This is all okay. So be patient with them as they learn to woman/man better.
Puberty is rough, no matter how many times you do it.
Transitioning is like going through puberty a second time. This is even more true if your partner is medically ly transitioning. Puberty was rough the first time, now imagine feeling so out of sorts in your body that you would rather go through puberty again than continue living your life as it is.
So their body will be changing. They will be trying on new ways to be their self in public. It will be awkward, because puberty is awkward. They will have mood swings, they will probably break down crying for no reason (or because the car is too far away) and not understand why this is so upsetting in the moment. When really it is because their body is completely rebalancing itself and that does a number to anyone’s emotional stability.
They will dress like a 13 year old.
Remember how you had the BEST (and definitely worst) fashion choices when you were 13? Yeah, that was you learning to dress yourself as an adult. It is an important bit of learning. It is an important bit of creating your persona and realizing how it impacts your relationship with the rest of the world. You grow so much during that period. Give your partner the space to do that, too. Even if they reek of Axe or just discovered the same deodorant you wore in the 8th grade.
They will smell differently.
Changing hormones and changing care routines mean changing smells. They will lose some of their scents you associated with them and new ones will take their place. It is wierd and it happens and prepare your nose for it.
Their body is changing and they are renegotiating their relationship with it. That means that you both have to rediscover how your bodies relate. Things that use to feel good may no longer be okay. New parts are respond in whole new ways. Sex changes. It is going to happen and it is okay.
Keep things fluid and let them evolve naturally.
Relationships change over time. That is just how they work. This will be more noticeably with a partner who is transitioning than otherwise BECAUSE there is one really big change taking place that is easy to pin all the other changes on. Your partner is still the same person you fell in love with all those years ago.
♡Special thanks to @shibariphoenix for helping me write this and doing all the proofing.
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