Routine (Project M.A.N.N. - Episode 3)
Today begins my second rotation onboard the S.S. Ardent. The humans had a pleasantly systematic role assignment. Each person had an assigned function on the ship that they were expected to fill to the best of their ability. I was placed on something the humans called the “Vanguard Squad”. I had no idea what my purpose was, all the humans would tell me was that I wouldn’t have to do anything until we encountered a planet.
The humans functioned spectacularly onboard the ship before their movements became slower and kept say that they needed to “go to bed”. Before long, the humans had begun moving towards large rooms called bunks, and laid down in large slabs of a mysterious fabric they called beds. Mala had directed me to mine and said relayed to me the purpose of them was to “sleep”. I did not understand. She then just told me to lay down and be quiet until someone else woke up.
I sat there in silence for what felt like cycles. Soon, one after another, the humans began to wake up. They began to all gather spare garments and headed out of the bunks. I caught Nishad leaving with Adrian and decided to investigate such a strange activity.
“Nishad,” both he and Adrian had turned to face me,”What are all these humans?”
Nishad rubbed his eyes and spoke in a barely intelligible voice,”What?”
“Why are all these humans grabbing spare garments and leaving?”
“Wha-oh. They’re going to take a shower.”
“You never had a shower?” Adrian had interjected,”Do they not have them on your planet?”
“No, I don’t believe so.”
“Well this should be a fun experience for you then.” Adrian had grabbed me by one of my arms.”I personally think you’ll enjoy it.”
He dragged me down the hall towards a large room. The flooring was different from the rest of the ship. Along the walls of the room were several large stalls, there were long benches that went along most of the room, and several large empty basins.
I had never seen a room of such a strange composition, I had made it my mission to discern the purpose of everything in this room. I was so preoccupied with my hypothesis of the function of the room that I could not conceive what Adrian and Nishad were doing. They were disposing of their garments. Humans truly had no shame.
Adrian gave me a puzzled look, “We’re stripping.”
“You can’t take a shower with clothes on.” Nishad piped in.
“O-oh. Very well.” I began to remove my garments of my body in a shameful display of nudity.
Once they were nude, Adrian and Nishad pulled back the thin sheets of plastic in front of the stall and stepped inside. Adrian turned around and moved to pull his plastic sheet back when he locked orbital sensors with me.
“Don’t just stand there and stare! Take a shower!”
I ran into the closest stall and pulled the plastic sheet back. At the top of the stall was a pipe aimed downwards, and in the floor was a drain. A few feet off of the ground was a knob. With few other options, I turned the knob all the way to the end. The most brutal torture followed.
Droplets of boiling dihydrogen monoxide pelted my body. I let out a horrible shriek and ran out of the stall as fast as I could. Dihydrogen Monoxide had entered my orbital receptors, I couldn’t see. I just ran in a straight line out of the stall. My legs had collided with something and my body tumbled over itself.
I wiped my orbital receptors and was able to see. I was lying on the floor I had fallen over one of the bench. I staggered to my feet and noticed that Mala was sitting on the bench. She was wearing nothing except a piece of white fabric around her waist and had one of the large basins, which was now filled with dihydrogen monoxide, at her feet.
“Hey there,” she looked up at me, the corners of mouth pointed upwards,”Something wrong with the shower or are you just happy to see me?”
She glanced downward at my lower body. In my pain, I had forgotten about my exposed body. I scrambled to cover my nudity.
“Relax,” Mala said,”It ain’t nothing I ain’t seen before. Well, kinds.”
“Why do you allow yourselves to be coated in burning hot dihydrogen monoxide?”
“Because, it cleans off your body, allows all the dirt and grime to fade away and roll off your skin.”
“So you’re telling me that you do such things to clean yourselves?”
“Yeah. Don’t you have something like that back home?”
“Yes, we have methods of cleaning ourselves. But none of them burn your body.”
Mala made a loud, repetitive noise. Judging her facial expression it meant something good.”You just turned the hot water too high. You can adjust the knob until you find a temperature you like.”
I made my way back to the stall that I had fear and stepped inside once again. The dihydrogen monoxide still burned, but I managed to grab the knob and turn it down. To my surprise it became pleasant. I was enamored by the sensation, I now understood why humans did such an activity, it was a feeling of pure bliss.
I must have been in there for an unusual amount of time, because I had heard Adrian yell,
“Hey, are you okay in there? Did you slip or something?” I could barely hear him over the sound of the dihydrogen monoxide hitting the floor. I supposed it must have been time to leave euphoria, I did not know the consequences prolonged exposure would have. I begrudgingly stepped out of the stall an was greeted with the sight of Nishad and Adrian.
The two where now in a different set of garments than the ones they were wearing earlier. Nishad was just now putting one over his abdomen and Adrian was vigorously rubbing a white fabric over his cranium.
“Oh thank goodness,” Nishad chirped,”We thought you might have had an accident.”
“Here,” Adrian tossed the white fabric at me,”You need dry off.”
“‘Cuz if you don’t, you’ll freeze.”
“Also wearing clothes while you’re wet is really uncomfortable.” Nishad said, the corners of his mouth pointing upwards.
The duo left the room, leaving me alone wipe my damp body and put my garments back on. I walked out of the room and made my way to the pilot’s bay. I was halfway there when I heard a human’s trademark loud voice.
“Seriously! That was mine!” It came from the room to my left. I poked my cranium in to investigate.
It was a room full of small, round tables. At one was Nishad a look of distress across his face, next to him was Adrian, his face a stark contrast to Nishad’s. His feet rested up on the table, next to an empty plastic container. Standing next to the table was a female human. If I remembered correctly, her name was Carmen. Her burning gaze fell onto an unaffected Adrian.
“I was saving that asshole!”
Adrian let out a hoarse sound, similar to the one Mala gave earlier, but this one felt more malicious,”I didn’t see your name on it princess.”
“There is a sticky note with my name on it on the container!”
Adrian glanced down, there was a small piece of small yellow paper on the lid of the container. He quickly grabbed it and compressed it in his hand.
Carmen looked ready to kill,”You are so infuriating! Now what am I going to eat for breakfast!?”
“There’s plenty of other food in the cabinets.” Adrian deflected her anger like she had none.
“No! I was saving that! That was the last piece of food I had from home!”
“Oh yeah. Props to your mom, she’s a great cook.”
Something snapped in Carmen, she looked like she was prepared to rip Adrian’s throat out. Despite this, she showed incredible restraint. She stormed off, a loud sound repressed in her throat.
Nishad readjusted in his seat,”You’re the worst.”
“Eh, she’ll get over it.”
My curiosity had overwhelmed me, I stepped in.”What happened?”
“The bottomless pit over here,” Nishad gestured to Adrian,”Just ate Carmen’s breakfast.”
“Yeah, the most important meal of the day.” he shot a glance at Adrian.
“You mean, you eat more than once a day?”
“Yeah, three meals a day keeps you healthy strong.”
“Sometimes more if you have an appetite like mine.” Adrian said as he placed his hands on his lower abdomen.
“That doesn’t give you permission to eat other people’s food.”
“You never have any left! You always eat it too fast!”
“But if I did, they would be free to eat it.”
I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the conversation, I was too lost in thought. Human’s need three meals a day? How much nutrition do they need to function. There have always been rumors that humans would eat worlds, I just didn’t they were to be taken literally. I came out of my reverie just in time to hear Adrian say,
“Look, it’s too early in the morning to have this conversation with you.” He stood up and moved towards the counter. He grabbed a large pot of a strange black liquid and poured it into a smaller cup. Steam rose out and filled the air, what was with humans and hot things?
“Hm,” Adrian turned to face me,”Uh, it’s coffee.”
“Ground up bean from Earth.” Nishad interjected
Frustrating humans.“Why do you consume this. What nutritional value is in it?”
“Eh not much,” Adrian said as he began to pour a large quantity of a white liquid and copious amounts of a white powder into his cup,”To be honest, we mainly drink it for the caffeine.”
“Yeah, it’s not the best solution to a lack of energy, but it works.”
“You ingest caffeine!? Don’t you know that it’s a highly toxic chemical!?”
“Well yea, it’s not the best thing for your body but-”
“Actually,” Nishad interjected once more,“It is poisonous to many other species on Earth.”
“Then why do you ingest it!?”
“Caffeine gives us a small energy boost.”
“So a deadly chemical makes you stronger?”
“Yeah, humans evolved and adapted so we could ingest it.”
“So let me get this straight,” this was a lot to process,“Humans evolved so that they could ingest a toxic chemical?”
“Well, kinda. Most likely, we did it so we could have a much wider diet.”
“W-what can you eat?” I was afraid of hearing the answer.
Adrian made a noise,“It’d be easy to tell you what we can’t eat.” he put the cup to his lips, the coffee was now a light brown.
“So,” I clasped my hands together,“humans require ludicrous amounts of nutritional energy and can eat almost anything they want?”
“Yep.” Nishad and Adrian said in unison.
They really were world-eaters.
“Crew!” everyone in the room jumped, Adrian dropped the cup in his hand. Mala was standing in the doorway and was now fully clothed in a militaristic uniform,“What are you doing standing around? You were supposed to be at your stations ten minutes ago! Take your places now before I jettison you into space!
Adrian and Nishad stood up straight, “Yes ma’am!” they took off immediately down the hallway with me following suite.
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