lovely fog

🌹🎊termination is encouragement🎊🌹 🧊active January 2022🧊 | @lovely_fog on Instagram | sw: 158lbs//cw:150lbs//gw1:135lbs//gw2:120lbs//ugw:110lbs//h:5'5" ***********Previously Ix3blog*********** Never pro, just trying to lose some weight. If you are struggling with an ed, please get into recovery as soon as possible.

[chaoticallythin]

I thought this would be a fun thing to do since most of my posts are about ed things, so here are some fun facts about me:

-I play 7 instruments, trumpet (primary), violin, piano, flugelhorn, ukulele, drums, and xylophone/marimba

-I have done stage crew for my high school's musical for the past 3 years

-I am bisexual

-I'm a pisces

-I love wood working and building

-I'm 18

-I love organization, but my room is a complete disaster

-I am failing half of my classes an am on the verge of not graduating

-🌌Childhood trauma🌌

-I have a horrible memory

-I suffer from intense migraines with aura that get to the point where I lose feeling and can't see

-I can bullshit a good essay, but if I take it seriously I fail miserably

-My hair is really long, to the point where I have to be careful I don't sit on it

-I have 2 dogs

-I prefer cold temperatures

-Love green tea, and coffee

-I live off of energy drinks

-I do art, mostly painting

-I prefer oil paints

-My knee hurts so bad as I'm typing this

-I have no sleep schedule and can stay up for a week at a time if need be

-I have an ap test in 2 days

-I enjoy staying up at night, but when the sun starts to rise, I feel sad, like I've wasted my time

-I love fun earrings and socks

-And last but not least, I have a massive sweet tooth

[chaoticallythin]

If you have a kitchen scale and actually use it you either have an ed or do drugs.

..or both

[chaoticallythin]

I don't think you quite understand how serious I am when I say I don't wanna be alive.

I'm constantly exhausted but can't sleep, and when I do, I wake up still tired. Okay?

I hate my body, from my weight to my scars. It doesn't matter how skinny I am, I will never be okay with the way I look.

My mental health is shit and my trauma has blocked out most of my memories before high-school. And it damages my relationships because I'll never be good enough.

My problems eat away at me and feed into each other and I just feel like a shel of a human with no personality. I don't have motivation for anything anymore and it would just be much easier to quit than to hurt myself when I inevitably fail.

Ya know?

[chaoticallythin]

Your intentions were clear from the start

I told myself it wouldn't last

I promised that I wouldn't get attached

But then you told me you loved me

You told me you wanted to get married some day

You made me feel at ease,

You calmed my nerves, I never felt anxious around you.

I thought about us living together, cooking together, cleaning together, having fun doing anything, as long as it was together.

I imagined what it would be like to wake up next to you each. morning.

Thinking of you used to help me sleep at night,

Now I'm up tossing and turning.

The few hours of rest I get are consumed by nightmares,

Waking up feeling more exhausted than before.

I sat up at the early hours of the morning, crying on the floor,

The world outside not yet awake, I felt my heart break.

The image of you holding someone else the way you held me illuminated the darkness of my bedroom.

My eyes twinkled with tears, gently streaming down my face.

This time, you weren't here to wipe my tears.

I'd say you moved on pretty fast, but were you even attached or did you just plan on using me from the start?

[chaoticallythin]

"One a day doesn't refer to meals."

Well, Karen, I have an eating disorder, so for me, it does.

[chaoticallythin]

Having depression and an ed is such bullshit. Like, I want to be skinny and starve myself, but then I'll just eat whatever I feel like because I might kill myself tomorrow and none of this will matter.

[chaoticallythin]

I miss quarantine. I miss when everything was completely shut down and I had to stay home. I miss bot having to make up excuses to isolate myself, it was so much easier to lose weight when I was alone. I was actually making progress, but then everything opened back up, I got stressed, stress ate, and didn't have time to exercise. I just want to lose all the weight I've gained back, and once I do that, I want to lose a little more.

[chaoticallythin]

Rant, sorry, feel free to scroll past

I've been trying so hard to be okay. I swear I have. I was doing so good too that I actually believed it to. Unfortunately, I don't think I can pretend anymore. I tried to recover. Damn it I tried so fucking hard and all that's gotten me to is my highest weight and the most hated for my body that I've ever felt. I'm just fucking sick of myself at this point, it isn't that hard to just stop shoving food in my face and yet I don't until my stomach physically hurts. I'm done, I need to lose everything I've gained and more. I'll try to use this blog to hold myself accountable. I'm only going to allow myself to indulge 2x a month as long as I'm making good progress. 7 small meals a day, only up to 1200cal. Drinks will include water, black coffee, 0-10cal energy drinks, and those shitty drink mixes that are under 10cal. And I'm going to make sure I burn at least 300 a day. If anyone has any tips, please feel free to share them.

[chaoticallythin]

I need therapy.

[chaoticallythin]

I'm so sick of myself. Why can't I just stop eating?

[chaoticallythin]

I guess normal people don't find food and the idea of eating revolting.

They don't think about what they ate the day befor to determine what they can eat today.

They don't look at the calories before eating.

They don't read the nutrition label while eating in hopes of killing their appetite.

They can buy desserts without binging on them.

They acknowledge when their full.

They don't have mental illness.

Did you know that normal people don't have EDs?

[chaoticallythin]

I got accepted into my top choice college, and will be going in 3 months. I'm super excited to start a new chapter in my life, even though the major I applied for was filled, I plan on trying to transfer into that class later on. I'm also really excited because I feel like this is where I will really start to lose weight. I won't be able to just mindlessly snack in the middle of the night and they have a gym that's free for students to use. They also have a rock climbing club, so I'm gonna try to join that.

[chaoticallythin]

Does anyone have tips on losing a lot of weight. I have a tendency to binge and I really wanna stop, and start to really lose weight. My main goal is to lose 10 pounds in the next two weeks so I look half decent for my senior prom. I know 10 pounds in two weeks isn't very healthy, but I'm not really too concerned with my health anymore. I'm thinking about trying the egg diet since I've seen many results where people lost like 15 in a week. I don't think it would make my parents suspicious or anything either since I eat eggs a lot as it is. But I really would appreciate any advice that anyone has. My goal after these two weeks is to get down to 105 by the fall.

[chaoticallythin]

I am addicted to losing weight. It makes me feel proud of myself. It's comforting to me. But I have one issue, that being tiddies. At my lowest weight, I was 107 pounds and barely had a cups. Now, 30 pounds later I have dd's and I just know that when I lose all this weight, they're gonna vanish back into my chest. It's the only thing I'm not looking forward to.

But....on another note, I can't wait to look snatched.

Or sick like I'm about to drop dead.

[chaoticallythin]

I'm not skinny like her.

I'm not as pretty as her.

I'm not confident like her.

But I care about you more than she does.

I was there for you when she wasn't.

After all this time. You've ignored me for days, weeks, months on end, but I still love you.

Why can't you just feel the same way.

[chaoticallythin]

Uhhhm... so... uhh... I had to print some photos out from my phone the other day, and you have to hook your phone up to the kiosk and it pulls up all of your pictures... I never did that before, so I didn't know that, and as they were loading, I remembered I had some 🌶𝓈𝓅𝒾𝒸𝓎🌶 pictures on there and my heart was beating me harder than my parents. My mom and the cashier came wayyy to close to seeing some 🐱 things 🍒 that shouldn't be seen in a drugstore. I'm just glad I had a bunch of other things that blocked those from popping up first, but fucking hell that was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. I've never felt deaths embrace closer than I did that day, my soul was ready to jump out of my body and I was shaking so hard. My heart skipped beats, but in the worst possible way.

[chaoticallythin]

These could be my last living hours and nobody would care because in this world, I don't exist. I'm only alive when someone needs me for something, so let me be dead- nobody will need me again. So let me be dead and I will live on as a wish, a wish that will never come true because the star you are wishing on has already died.

-R.K.