Chi0lea

Inside the mind of a girl who is nerdy yet strange. I write a lot of personal things that are sad. Yet don’t let it hurt you. We all go through things that we have to find a way to vent about. I’m here for you if you need it. Nothing I wrote about is on my relationship. I write things others can understand.

[chi0lea]

Are you ok?

I’ll be alright eventually

[chi0lea]

I found out news it scared me, excited me. I was thrown thrill spirals of unknowns but for once. The suicide had left my mind, my anxiety had died out. I felt peace, happiness I had never known. I was something I never felt.

Though the dread of having to tell you washed over me and overwhelmed me. Scratching at my insides paving their way into my brain.

I told you and the anger in you brought back the wanting to die. Why are you so narcissistic? Why do you make everything about you? Killing the happiness in me.

My peace bleeds out onto my arms again and again.

[chi0lea]

Suffocating to be like someone else, to be different.

People constantly tell me, if you don’t like how you look change it. Not knowing the amount I starve myself, the exercise, the feeling tired. Cause I’m constantly trying to change my figure.

Not knowing it’s my health and genetics that stop the change.

The constant crying and stabbing at myself I do to try and look better.

It’s suffocating, sure there are a few who love the way I look but when they look at someone smaller I drown on my self hate.

[chi0lea]

are you happy?

Depends on your definition of happy and what you would consider happy.

Do I yearn everyday for my death yes…. Does it mean I’m unhappy no…

Do I struggle with life and hold the grasp of hope that gives me some serotonin of happiness that crashes and burns instantly. Yes

Am I beyond mentally unstable that my happiness is really a manic depressive episode that nothing actually makes me genuinely happy anymore… maybe.

I have moments of happiness and I have moments of wanting to die and feeling worthless. It’s hard to know what I really feel.

[chi0lea]

Maybe I’m weaker than I thought.

Growing up people always called those of us dealing with depression and suicide weak. Cowardly.

Do you know how hard it is to fight myself every night, trying to keep myself from ending my life.

Do you know how strong you have to be to finally commit to ending your life.

People act as if not every thought runs through our heads. Who will miss me? Will I be missed? Who would this hurt. Would they hurt a lot? Who will I be remembered as.

Even as those thoughts run through I’m being called a coward. I’m be treated as if I don’t actually matter.

Maybe I’m weak but I’m only weak cause I can’t go through with it.

[chi0lea]

Today I think I hoped I would die.

Today I sat down in the subway music blaring in my ears, sadness waffling in my heart. I looked around and saw an old guy, in a blink of an eye watched a group jump him.

In a moment haste I made my way towards him, telling them to leave him alone. Being told to back off and mind my business. I stood my ground, in a blink one was standing right behind me. I tilted my head and told him to back off. With the common comeback of “what the fuck you say to me bitch.” Echoed the tunnel walls.

In that moment I had hope, will you end my life like you tried to kill this poor old man or will I get to see red? Will I finally fill my hands with blood that for once wouldn’t be mine. The disdain and disgust when they stepped down and ran. I felt disgusted with myself.

Have I really lost all hope that in this moment I had hoped I would finally die?

This is a true event that happened to me tonight. The old man was still breathing and is going to live, however his head was busted open and bleeding, I was unable to identify the assailants due to my poor eyesight and them switching up their looks. Did I probably cross my fate maybe.

I’m so tired so very very tired.

[chi0lea]

Forever the girl with a razor in her hands.

I try, I try as hard as I can for everything in life. When I’ve had nothing.

Never seen as the best friend, the true love, or even the girl who just makes you want to feel better.

I work hard for people to dismiss me, for relationships to never work out. For my life to grow harder and break me down.

Clenching a razor in my hands hoping to finally sink it deep enough. It’s never enough.

Feeling worthless for all I do. I am never good enough.

Feeling the sting of hope slipping away, I hate myself too.

Grasping my body wishing to change it. What’s so unlikable that I need to take a razor and cut out the ugly parts of me. Of my soul, my skin, my heart. Which life line can I bury enough to feel alive.

To feel the blood pool onto my flesh reminding me that I am warm inside as I fade to a cold light.

I’m forever the girl clenching the blade hoping its razor kiss will finally hit.

[chi0lea]

I was breaking.

I am breaking.

I was down in a gutter of self hate, the stress was too much and every second my death did more then ponder my mind.

I looked to you, trying to seek refuge. You were to busy worrying about yourself.

I made this life for us, fought for us. I shook and cried on countless days for us. Yet the moment I needed you, well there was no us.

You only cared about yourself, my collapse wasn’t your problem. Amidst the chaos that was consuming every fiber of my soul. You weren’t there to calm it.

Well you were down and lost, I was there hands out for more then an embrace. Caressing you, loving you, and lifting you back up. Though it dragged me further down. Not wanting you to see my pain I took from it.

Now I am here, broken and spiritually alone.

Now the thoughts range more in my head, I could kill myself tonight and no one would know I was dead.

I am beyond breaking

I am shattered.

I am shards of glass scattered along the coast of the sands, unable to be seen.

[chi0lea]

hug

Sure hugs are nice

[chi0lea]

I never wanted anything more then what others have.

Never had big dreams of being something I know I’m not.

So why does life not want me?

People say that it’s not you, then what is it that everything doesn’t work for me. Why am I the stepping stool in peoples lives. Why am I the forsaken and left to feel alone.

The things I go through to send people I love the affection and support they need and here I am suffering.

Suffering to not know what happinesses really feels like.

Suffering to keep the charade that I’m happy when every impending thought that haunts me is wishing for my death.

Wishing for my death. The razor set so deep in my arm that my scar is permanent yet not sufficient enough to have killed me when I tried so hard.

Life doesn’t want me to live yet won’t let me die so I’m left here to suffer.

It’s suffocating.

[chi0lea]

I laid there like an empty shell.

My heart hurting from what had happened.

My arm stinging as the blood dried on my wounds, tightening the skin.

My eyes shed no tears but my heart cried out in pain.

My shelter had burned, the fight in me dying out.

My head grew hazy, and I felt myself drifting away. The illusions had began overwhelm my mind into an abyss I could not fight.

I was losing the fight. I drowned myself in thoughts of being so alone, that the truth of it was looking me in the face. Like a scattered sky.

My shadows no longer calm but slipping away. Just like the colors had.

I wish my suicide would of been a happier one.

[chi0lea]

Have you ever watched as the crimson blood mixed with your tears.

How your heart screamed in agony as the cuts ran deeper. Telling yourself “soon, soon the pain will no longer hurt right. I’ll forget it. Just a little deeper in the skin.”

Before you know it the scars are no longer able to be hidden. Now that hurt turns into disgust for yourself.

“Stupid! Why are you so stupid! Why do you have to feel for people, things that don’t care about you!”

I told myself it’s cause I’m a hopeless romantic. The truth is I’m just hopeless. A lost cause.

Why am I here… please let me leave.

The crimson mixes with my tears as if my flesh is weeping for me. Wanting to be free from this body I so easily hate.

I hate myself

[chi0lea]

I Need someone

I Need someone

I NEED SOMEONE, please. Why can no one hear me. Why does no one care.

Why do I have to give my all and be there for everyone. People I don’t even know, but when I’m on the edge when I’m breaking down. I’m alone.

I Need someone.

I Need something.

I Need help.

Why do I have to cry to myself.

[chi0lea]

A dawning realization of who I am to others.

The emptiness settling deeper into my soul, am I ready to go.

All my hope slowly fading away. I want to break it all away. Suffocating on how hopeless I am.

I cling knowing that I’m beyond over the edge hoping you would help me stand when that’s all I ever did for you.

You begin to push me off and I realize I am behind the line of already dead.

Would you even hurt for me. Just a little bit.

[chi0lea]

Not sure anymore

I once put you above everything, feeling the happiness I brought you made me feel it back.

Slowly though it began to fade as I watched how you responded back to my love.

The late night fights, the moments you ignored me and left me to feel alone.

The times you swore, she's just a friend. Why do you worry so much. You are driving me insane cause you can't trust me.

The late nights I sat in my bed crying to myself with blood staining my sheets from the places I cut deep.

The realization that no matter how much time I gave you, how much I made your life better. You could never love me.

I could never love me.

I see people who desperately want to be with me telling me how you are not good for me. I look at them sure they are attractive and great friends but they will never be the connection I felt between you and me.

In the end I sit wondering what I am meant to be and I'm not sure anymore.

[chi0lea]

Why was I always always right.

That feeling you can never escape the burning in your stomach causing your heart to squeeze.

You definitely made it squeeze, with the bitterest agony.

Why is it so hard, to trust and find faith in people.

Why am I not allowed to be happy, trying to hold on tight to things to feel like I am not as useless as I am.

The fear of never being enough for anyone.

Not even my own family wants me….. not even I want me.

[chi0lea]

It’s been a while since someone come to my page to be all mysterious and say that they talk to my boyfriend so here is something I want to enlighten people about. No on is gonna believe you with out proof you really talking to my boyfriend then send me a screen shot. Blur out your name or what ever but give me proof instead of just “you’re boyfriend called me on messenger.” Okay cool? His screen shots show no one talked to him but me. If you really care about stopping another ass hat guy from using another girl show proof. Counter him. Thanks