Alice :)

and i’ll go to work, and i’ll go to sleep And i’ll love the littler things

[chiyeko-kurea]

@kureasblog for my study/ life account

@/ imnotreallyalice for my pinterest account

Usernames may change but I’ll probably forget to update on here lol :P

I’m not coming back on here as it’s a vent/ SH account I’ve had for years and I feel like I wanna move on.

If we used to chat/ be moots feel free to hit me up on my other accounts I’d love to have news from you 💕💕

Take care 🤍

[livingd3adg1rll]

every time i see these rich and pretty girls in tiktok who go out every day and have a bunch of friends i want to kms i'm so jealous

[chiyeko-kurea]

sometimes my sleep medication somehow tastes to me like milk chocolate and im comforted for a few seconds

[chiyeko-kurea]

« It’s just so hard to see tomorrow past tonight. »

[chiyeko-kurea]

« I’m scared I’m gonna die as lonely as I feel right now. » -tfb

[chiyeko-kurea]

sometimes i feel like im trapped in a box, box being my fucking misery, then at some point but im not sure when, i made it out of there and im fine, im finally better -only to look around and realize i never left it in the first place and never could escape it.

[chiyeko-kurea]

when a relapse as a taste of not making it out of this one

[chiyeko-kurea]

Limerence is so silly like, I saw a guy once at my school and spent the next months stalking him, picturing him 24/7 with me, waking up next to him in my head, falling asleep in his arms, writing about him, hugging him and crying over our relationship issues, struggling to put words over my problems and feeling like a burden to him, being comforted by him, checking his social media all the time and ss his pfp, needing to see his face to feel better, running my hands through his hair and smelling his cologne when in reality I never even had a conversation with him. Never heard the sound of his voice. It’s literally all my imagination.

[chiyeko-kurea]

No cause like I’m actually scared that if I go to another psychiatrist they’ll find me another mental issue? If I don’t, they won’t, I won’t have a new mental illness to acknowledge.

Stay mentally healthy, avoid therapy.

[chiyeko-kurea]

If I am not diagnosed, there’s nothing wrong with me. I make the rules.

[chiyeko-kurea]

[chiyeko-kurea]

TO FRENCH FELLOWS IN THIS COMMUNITY!

Is there a free phone number you can TEXT for when you need help because you wanna kys (in France ofc)? I rlly dont wanna call and i’d love to text instead but i can’t find one online..

[chiyeko-kurea]

tw!

[Vent of my life currently-kinda long.]

I haven’t cvt since june,

I don’t feel clean though.

It’s crazy, cause it’s like, soon six months, but it doesn’t feel like progress. Maybe because I haven’t told myself I’m « officially quitting ». Days flew by, I didn’t NEED it. Sometimes I did, I distracted myself. But even then, I didn’t feel proud. I just have been pushing back the moment of relapse that I know is gonna happen sooner or later. I’ve been doing as always: good, with some punctual moments of absolute misery and spiralling, crying shaking and hating myself but then my life’s pretty basic. I keep my head above water, sometimes I feel like Im suddenly being pulled down and I choke and drown but resurface again and that’s just it. I feel sunlight on my face and the water’s warm but I know beneath me, feet down the water’s dark and cold and I’ll be pulled there again soon, momentarily. And at a moment, I’ll be pulled deeper than usual and I’ll cvt my way through the surface. I’ll fall back, to come back up.

I feel okay, most of the time genuinely good. But then, there are those phases when I just wanna cry, for anything really, or for more serious things, I feel silly for forgetting peaceful times don’t last.

But I don’t think it matters. I think those moments of joy and peacefulness, as brief as they are, are truly all there is and are worth living for. So yeah, I’ll cry myself to sleep tonight and I’m scared as hell and I’ll relapse someday, I still wanna cvt myself -after all i relapsed after a whole year, which felt like the ultimate impossible to reach goal back then- even after months and months being clean, staying clean through the roughest days, I still wanna cvt myself.

But I discover new music, I learn new things, I find people I feel good with, I fall in love with random dudes in the hallways, I dye my hair, I run, I pet my animals, I find a new position to sleep that is so comforting, I start new tv shows, I have faith in my future and I can’t wait to be a medical intern, I keep going. And I think for people like me, that’s as good as it can get. Or at least, I’m happy with that. I’m good with life being that way. I’ll always have scars, -and pulsions to cvt, maybe-, haunting memories and an ill body and mind, but that’s not all there is about my life.

And I’m so grateful and lucky, that I’m able to see that and that I have those things. Trusting that future holds some good things for me. Being able to enjoy right now because I now that I have a future I worked for waiting for me. That I have a future at all, really. There was a time that wasn’t even sure.

I don’t feel clean, I will relapse, I will get better, maybe I’ll relapse again -who knows, and kind of whatever-. I’ll see. Ups and downs. I have as much faith for the ups that are coming as I know there’s gonna be downs.

Maybe being ‘clean’ is ‘never cvtting again’. Maybe then I’ll never be ‘clean’, I’ll be living in my own way. Like goddamn, forbid someone who’s been cvtting since they’re a child to just know how to function without it. Maybe I’ll figure it out, maybe I won’t. I hope if I don’t, I’ll still find a way to be gentle with myself and understand that’s not my fault. That’s not a shame to wanna find relief in something you know will relieve you.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make romantic connections with people, because I don’t wanna talk about it but they’ll eventually see scars. I hope I wont feel lonely then, I hope I know I always got myself. That’s all I got, all I can count on. That’s not all I need; I need others, I need passion, I need support, but I trust myself to do everything to provide that for me. If I don’t, I’ll learn to trust myself again.

Writing this because I’m currently doing quite good, kinda great even but with some things making me sad, but still.

So yeah, I’m havent cvt since a long time, blood’s on my blade’s long dried, I miss the feeling and I’m doing okay. Head’s a mess as always, body’s going wrong and all but friends and family are always here, I’m studying and grades are good, I’m feeling silly over little things. I’m just appreciating, embracing all of it I guess.

Xx

my digital diary is @kureasblog

non sh just silly little stuff

[chiyeko-kurea]

been away for a while

who is trending rn in the sh community im curious

[vxxmpyrx-deactivated20240918]

mecore

[fawndollette]

[artemis-melody]