Things often do feel more real once you start changing things in your life to accommodate for them, yeah. And of course reading it all grouped into one document means you have to deal with it all at once, which if you think about it, you usually don't. I found the same thing when applying for disability benefits.
Telling someone you have X symptom and going over what that means can sometimes feel iffy, but it's doable. Similarly, admitting one thing you can't do- even to yourself- can suck if it's something that's easy for most people, but if it's just that one, it's easier. Like, you don't have to think about all the problems you face at once in a normal day.
When you're just getting through each problem as it comes up, you only face one thing at a time. We actually learn to do this to cope better with challenges as people in general. For example, when I'm trying to decide how to deal with my greasy hair because a shower is too much for me that day, I'm not also thinking about how hard it is to lift a full kettle, or how far I can walk before I have to stop, or why I can't leave the house on my own. I'm only thinking about shower-related problems. And- only now. That's another common coping method in people. I'm not thinking about the pain and fatigue I felt years ago, or how long it's lasted, and I'm not predicting how many years it'll go on for in the future, because that's a LOT to deal with. I'm thinking how tired I am today, and what impact this specific shower will have on me for the next 2-3 days maybe.
But applying for something like this takes that away. It forces you to acknowledge it from when it started to now, because you have to explain the issues and provide evidence of your diagnosis and so on, state that it's affected you since then and explain how, and you're having to get accommodations and/or support because these problems aren't going to go away (either for a long time, or maybe ever), which you also may need to explain in some applications processes. So you can't just think about today or this week, you're looking at the whole timeline there.
And even if you stay in the present as much as possible, having to talk about AAALL the things you can't do, all the things that suck, all the challenges you face daily, all at once, (AND without being able to minimise issues or use any kind of humour to soften it, btw) that's extremely hard! And again, something you don't usually Have to do in life. If you can take one challenge at a time, or focus on just one symptom that's making life hard in that moment, it really can help. But putting together or reading a form or report, you're thinking about everything all at once, and telling it all to the same people no less.. that's going to bother even the toughest of us, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed- especially if this isn't something you're used to doing.
So rest assured, you are not alone in finding this moment especially hard. It isn't fun, but it is a natural human response to having to face the full scale of a problem you'd usually face bit by bit, in one streamlined sitting.
It's like... Cake. Eating a bite of cake (if you don't have medical issues specific to eating at least) is usually easy enough. Eating a whole slice in one go, not so easy, but there are many people who could fit it all in their mouth. So, awkward and difficult, but doable for some. Eating The Entire Cake Whole in one go? Unless you have the jaws of a snake and the esophagus of a shark, mayyybe don't try it, it will not be a fun time. x')
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