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@chronicallymissyxo-blog
Pets for therapeutic purposes 💜
I have a beautiful kitten called Lily. She's three months old and she's the most beautiful cat I've ever laid my eyes on. She is so perfect. Anyway, since the shit I've been dealing with from my ex, I've kinda kept on the downlow. He was a prick.
I'm resting at home with a bit of hash. I've had a spliff and I'm thinking of going back to bed. I'm in absolute agony and I'm exhausted. 😔 Send spoons. Need them.
The worst night of my life - so far. 😢
Well, I chanced it and went out last night.
Oh how I regretted it. My abusive ex turned up. The same ex who emotionally and mentally manipulated and abused me. When our relationship ended, he told me he was only with me for a roof over his head, and because I was vulnerable and an easy target. He then told me he didn't want to spend the rest of his life carrying a disabled me against his own will. He also brought the girl he cheated on me with who was acting like my friend the whole time. I went outside for a cigarette and in the 10 minutes I was there, he got several people to threaten me, including someone who used to be a good friend. I'm absolutely broken right now. I can't do this anymore. I've got to wait until Wednesday before I can have a proper meal. I've been at the urgent care centre in Derby today as mentally and physically I wasn't well and they've prescribed me some more tramadol as my GP surgery messed up completely yesterday with my prescription. I've been dissociating badly and I'm feeling the emotions of everything again full force... I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I can't deal with anything anymore. 😔
Cannabis for pain and anxiety? Yes or no?
What are your thoughts? Personally I find it helps massively with both.
I'm sorry for not being active
I've been suffering with my illnesses and they've caused a lot of pain and neurological symptoms including seizures and muscle spasms. I'm really poorly and my chest infection has returned meaning I can't breathe properly. I'm a fighter of Fibro, M.E, FND and mental health so I'm just plodding on. 💘
When you're surrounded by people, but you still feel alone
Have you ever been in a room full of people, but still felt alone? That's how I feel right now. Alone. Everyone else's voice is loud, yet I'm silent. I'm shaken. I still think everyone is going to hurt me. I'm an absolute mess inside but on the outside I've got to be strong for everyone else. 😪
Help a spoonie & mental health warrior. ❤️ £200 NEEDED TO RAISE OTHERWISE I’M HOMELESS!
Hi everyone. So I wouldn’t normally reach out to tumblr for this but I feel I need to explain before I tell you why I’ve gone into this. Three weeks ago, I kicked my ex out my home after he cheated on me and left me with literally nothing. Because of him and the way he is, he’s taken everything and left me in debt. I have no food, I need a sofa (couch) I need gas and electric and data for my phone so I can be in touch with my doctors at any point. I have no toiletries for hygiene, no gas so I can’t have a shower, no sanitary items, it’s awful at the moment. I AM OF LOW INCOME DUE TO MENTAL ILLNESS AND PHYSICAL DISABILITY.
He left me because of my illnesses. I spent almost £3000 on new stuff for him now I’m paying the loans back. It’s disgusting. I’m struggling financially and I desperately need help to get food, gas, electric, mobile phone data as I don’t have WiFi yet, and rent to keep a roof over my head. I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, functional neurological Disorder, CPTSD, Bipolar and BPD.. It’s difficult.
I CANNOT REACH OUT TO MY PARENTS AS I AM A VICTIM OF CHILD ABUSE AND TRAUMA BECAUSE OF AN INCIDENT. I HAVE NO CONTACT WITH ANY FAMILY.
I’m absolutely desperate. Please share this to as many people as possible. I’ve never done anything like this in my entire life. You don’t need to donate at all, just Share to raise awareness. 💖 thankyou xx
THIS IS NOT A SCAM. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED PLEASE FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME AND I WILL TELL YOU. ♥️
Go to paypal.me/meggleswoolley and type in the amount. Since it’s PayPal, it's easy and secure. Don’t have a PayPal account? No worries.
https://www.paypal.me/meggleswoolley
Signal Boost!
Signal boost, PLEASE HELP ME! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Help a spoonie & mental health warrior. ❤️
NEED TO RAISE OTHERWISE I'M HOMELESS!
Hi everyone. My name is Meghan and I am 23 years old. So I wouldn't normally reach out to tumblr for this but I feel I need to explain before I tell you why I've gone into this. Three weeks ago, I kicked my ex out my home after he cheated on me and left me with literally nothing. Because of him and the way he is, he's taken everything and left me in debt. I have no food, I need a sofa (couch) I need gas and electric and data for my phone so I can be in touch with my doctors at any point. I have no toiletries for hygiene, no gas so I can't have a shower, no sanitary items, it's awful at the moment. I AM OF LOW INCOME DUE TO MENTAL ILLNESS AND PHYSICAL DISABILITY. He left me because of my illnesses. I spent almost £3000 on new stuff for him now I'm paying the loans back. It's disgusting. I'm struggling financially and I desperately need help to get food, gas, electric, mobile phone data as I don't have WiFi yet, and rent to keep a roof over my head. I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, functional neurological Disorder, CPTSD, Bipolar and BPD.. It's difficult. I CANNOT REACH OUT TO MY PARENTS AS I AM A VICTIM OF CHILD ABUSE AND TRAUMA BECAUSE OF AN INCIDENT. I HAVE NO CONTACT WITH ANY FAMILY. I'm absolutely desperate. Please share this to as many people as possible. I've never done anything like this in my entire life. You don't need to donate at all, just share to raise awareness. 💖 thankyou
THIS IS NOT A SCAM. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED PLEASE FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME AND I WILL TELL YOU. ♥️
Go to paypal.me/meggleswoolley and type in the amount. Since it’s PayPal, it's easy and secure. Don’t have a PayPal account? No worries.
https://www.paypal.me/meggleswoolley
Did my pain start when I was a child?
Since I was young, I remember feeling burning pain across my body. My earliest memory started when I was about 10 years old. I told my father (who I'm no longer in contact with) that I was hurting, and he told me to stop over reacting and that I was just feeling growing pains. I would get exhausted and sleep for hours on end but then some nights my sleep was so disturbed I couldn't do anything about it. I was just told to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. Memory issues, balance, awful coordination, clumsiness, unexplainable pains everywhere, sleep disturbances but sleeping too much too.
There was one time I did an 8 minute timed run in the school Hall at the sports centre. I took my shoes off and ran until I finished. I couldn't walk for three days after that. I was 14 years old and I was left bed bound just by pushing myself beyond limits I was able to succeed. I never learned to pace myself, instead I pushed myself. I would horse ride every day, feeling pure pain everywhere but under the pressure of excelling in something my mother wanted me to, I worked myself till I couldn't work no more. 30 stables mucked out, 5 horses ridden out for over an hour, delivering foals, feeding the horses hay, putting them on the walker to get some exercise whilst I filled up water buckets and carried them to the stables.
I was 18 years old at this point, doing this for a living. I'd left home just after my birthday and I was working 14 hour days on 5 hours sleep. It was horrendous. I was bullied by the yard manager for "not being good enough" and this as well as the constant pressure to perform well by my mother and step-father got too much. I'd secretly battled depression and anxiety since I was 11 years old but this was different. I fell into a darkness and took an overdose in an attempt to end the pain and suffering.
Since then, I've been diagnosed with BPD, FM and FND. Yeah I struggle, but I get over it. I also get hemphlegic migraines and cripple me but I fight because my life is worth living. ♥️
Pregnant podge ♥️🤘
My Chronically Functional Diary
21/03/2019
18:46
I’m now into my fourth day of receiving my diagnosis of Functional Neurological Disorder. I’m still grieving my old life, but I’m happy because I’m learning to live with it. My symptoms get much worse when I’m tired. The numbness returns, I get the thumping migraine in the front of my head, my arms and legs feel really heavy and widespread pain cripples me and I just feel like I need to sleep.
Life goes on. I’ve managed some housework, and I’m feeling chilled and a little tired now but I’m going to try and save my spoons to cook some dinner in a little while.
My Sexual Assault Hell
Hi everyone. My name is Meghan, I'm 23 years old and due to previous psychological trauma, I suffer from Fibromyalgia, Functional Neurological Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and potential Bipolar & CPTSD. When I was 16, I was taken by Derbyshire Social Services because my father hit me and I was moved back to my Mums. Me and Mum never got on and because of Dad, I was struggling with my mental state. I left home just after I turned 18. I was put on medication and gained 5 stone in weight because of this. December 2014, I went out on my own for a few drinks. I met a few people up town and I was introduced to a guy. He was turkish and his English wasn't great but we got talking and he bought me drinks. When I was legless, he invited me back to his place as the walk home was pitch black and he was 'worried' about me. When we got back to his, he went out the room and came back with another drink for me. I asked what it was and he said it was vodka & lemonade. I drank it.
Next thing I know, I'm sprawled out on the bed naked, barely able to speak and he was on top of me, covering my mouth and raping me. I tried to get him off but I just wasn't strong enough. I couldn't stop him. I tried to scream but nothing came out. After, I grabbed my clothes and called a friend who picked me up and took me home after I managed to escape when the guy went to the bathroom. I had bruises round my neck where he strangled me, and I went to the police. All evidence came together then it was all blown out the water when he tried to say it was consensual.
He got away with it. Every time I see him I sob. He tries to talk to me but my friend screams at him to get the fuck away from me. I thought this would be the first and last time that something like this could happen but how wrong could I be? In May, 2017, my best male friend came to visit me. I told him to let himself in to my flat and I'd left the key for him. I arrived home and he was bladdered. He handed me a bottle of booze and I said no thanks, I don't drink anymore - which is true. I don't. He was all over me, he was touching me, following me round my home as I tried to tidy up.
He came up behind me, spun me round and pinned me up against the living room wall by my throat. He bit into my neck and tried to put his hand down my leggings, to which I pushed him away and ran into my bedroom. He chased me in there. I jumped on my bed and he pulled my legs from beneath me, resulting in bruising and concussion. My head hit the window ledge in my bedroom and he climbed on me, ripping my leggings and proceeding to rape me. He choked me, as I tried to push him off but he was too strong.
His excuse for his piss poor actions was "we've slept together before, so why would I need consent to do it again?" My response to the police, again, was "Just because I've had sex with him before I was raped, doesn't mean he had any reason to sexually assault me because he thought we didn't need consent." Bullshit. CONSENT IS CONSENT. He got away with it, apparently not enough evidence. To this day I feel his hand gripping my throat and his teeth biting and bruising my neck. I want to confront him and tell him the boundaries he breached. He KNEW I'd been raped and I wasn't just going to sleep with him because I've slept with him before. He was my BEST FRIEND, and he fucking destroyed me.
The fact that they both got away with it haunts me because I know they're both walking the streets absolutely fine whereas I'm fucking terrified to leave my flat now. My fiancé is incredibly supportive and amazing, and he helps me through it all. I love him so much. He's so understanding. I'm still broken, I feel disgusting daily and I hate myself. My self-esteem is through the floor, but my partner builds me up and helps me through. :)
Getting some answers
Today, after a long journey battling with my mental and physical health, I received the diagnosis l've been expecting for quite some time. After seeing the neurologist at the hospital today, he told me that it was pretty obvious I had Functional Neurological Disorder and I should've been diagnosed ages ago. I cried. A mixture of happy and sad tears. Sadness due to grief of losing my old life, but happiness of finally getting some answers.
I have Fibromyalgia and Borderline Personality Disorder, aswell as awaiting a diagnosis of Bipolar and CPTSD. I take medications for all of these. I take
Duloxetine (Cymbalta) 120mg a day
Tramadol 300mg a day
Pregablin (Lyrica) 600mg a day
Mirtazapine (Remeron) 30mg at night
Quetiapine (Seroquel) 200mg at night
Mirtazapine has been dropped from 45mg to 30mg, and Quetiapine doubled from 100mg to 200mg today. I'm feeling completely manic right now and nothing I say or do can help that right now. Things will get easier. I'm learning to understand my illnesses. I'm getting there. It's just one of those things. 🖤
23 years old, living with Borderline Personality Disorder & Chronic Illnesses - My life *trigger of violence*
So I want to explain a few things, about myself and the way I am. I have something known as Borderline Personality Disorder, as a result of domestic violence at the age of 16. The first man ever to break my heart and that man was my father. He is the reason I'm the way I am today, and I'm not proud of my history. I've had many unstable and difficult relationships, and everything has been rather reckless up until the last few months. I'm here to tell the story of how being Borderline affects my life on a daily basis. I struggle with what is known as 'emotional regulation' and it's hard to keep it from affecting how I function daily. Classic symptoms include fears of abandonment, splitting which is basically black or white thinking - There's no middle ground in my thoughts, everything is either incredible or going to complete and utter shit, and dissociation.
Dissociation is a strange feeling because you get so lost in your own thoughts you switch off from everything. It affects me daily to the point of being unable to do anything. Low self worth is another one of those things, it's a bloody horrible thing to be dealing with, but I'm gunna explain a lot. I text, a lot. I write a lot because it's easier to share what's on my mind, even though I still feel like that's impossible to do. I want to crave talking to people at all times, but then I continue the conversation then I become overwhelmed and it becomes too much. At all times I feel like my fingers weigh an absolute ton, I can't type anything because everything I once initiated just becomes too much. I start to avoid opening messages, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days. When I'm in the mood for people, I can over do it and message absolutely everyone, but then in the same moment, I lose interest and feel down so I cut all ties with those people for a few days.
I've been signed off work long term, due to that and the fact I suffer with debilitating chronic illnesses called Fibromyalgia, and possible Functional Neurological Disorder. I could never keep a job because anxiety, and it would tip me over the edge because I was constantly around people. Anxiety caused me to try too hard and I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough and I'd just end up losing interest and not going because everything would be too much to handle, I'd go into complete sensory overload. I suffer really badly with cleaning impulsively. When I'm feeling positive or panicked, I clean my flat top to toe, though I find completing daily chores just daunting. I get scared to do little things through fear of breaking absolutely everything. I can get distracted and dizzy. Anything that sets me off can cause me to be upset, mad, angry, depressed, dejected, I'll cry and grind my teeth whilst shaking almost uncontrollably. But when I'm in the right frame of mind, I get everything done.
Mood swings make things so difficult to go about my daily life, especially when it comes to maintaining friendships. The smallest things can set me off into an absolute rage that is almost impossible to come back from. I can lash out at my partner, at my friends, and when I'm finally able to bring myself out of it, I feel complete shame and guilt so strong that I can't help but cry. Communication is a strange feeling for me. Sometimes I am overly enthusiastic to speak to friends, but then other days, I don't want to hear from anyone. I get these feelings as though they never cared or they're just using me, or tolerating me. I hate shopping. I can't do it. I get overstimulated and 'hyper-anxious'. I dissociate regularly, I get confused and end up with a lot of anxiety. I struggle to get out of bed, especially when I'm in a lot of pain or I don't have the motivation or strength to do anything. Before I open my eyes to check the time, I'm already worried about what could possibly make absolutely everything go wrong. I struggle with eating and keeping good care of my hygiene. I find myself apologising because there are times when I don't want to eat, but then there are times where I eat too much, then hate myself for it. I hate the fact I become impulsive and go on compulsive spending sprees with money I get left with, then I do a lot of damage to myself because of that.
I'm scared to leave the house, all the time. I feel like a prisoner inside my own home but I feel safe here. I hate going outside and socialising. It brings this intense chest pain and I can't breathe and immediately anxiety weighs me down and hurts me more than ever, but I'm trying my best to fight through. Still I rise.
Being brave here, so here goes. Caution, in this post, I mention a few things that COULD contain triggers, so this is a warning just in advance. I needed to write today, it helps clear my head, and it helps me breathe.
This piece of writing I'm gonna call "Living my life with chronic pain & mental health."
First things first - My name is Meghan, I'm 23 years old and I am a chronic illness and mental health warrior. I begun struggling with my mental health when I was at school. I was bullied a lot, for my size, the way I look, for wearing glasses, for having spots, I was constantly pushed around and came home with bruises. I was a mess. I begun self-harming. Not a bad self harm, just a surface scratch when I was about 13. I hid this until after 3 years, my father hit me. We had an argument. I didn't know then I was suffering with depression. I was always the misunderstood, people didn't understand me because I was different. But I was taken by child protective services and moved back to my mums. I would get angry, frustrated, I'd have panic attacks but I didn't know they were panic attacks. I was really depressed but this wasn't acknowledged until I was 18. I finally caved in, wrote a note and took a bunch of pills. Because of that, I lost my job, I lost my life. I gained a lot of weight through antidepressants and I was told I was suffering with severe anxiety and depression. Since that, I've been on a rocky road. I started feeling a lot of muscle and joint pain, and it spread across my whole body and it was constant.
After that, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I'm gonna explain about these illnesses, and how they affect me every day. I have nothing to do with my parents anymore. Mostly because my Dad hit me and my Mum doesn't understand my illnesses and isn't willing to. I do apologise today by the way, I'm having a really terrible brain fog day. When you’re struggling with your mental health, it can be so easy to mistakenly believe the people in your life hate you. For example, it’s hard to remember when that person you haven’t spoken to in a few days doesn’t reply to your texts, they aren’t ignoring you out of spite, they’re probably incredibly busy.If you can relate to this struggle, you’re not alone. Thinking the people around you secretly hate you or don’t want to be around you is a common experience for those dealing with mental illness. When your brain is being cruel to you, it doesn’t just affect you, it can often extend to how you interact with others. If you recognise what your disorder does to you, it’s a new stepping stone to greater skills and extra peaceful moments sprinkled throughout your day. I feel exhausted and weak at the end of the day, whether I let everything out of hell’s gates or I attempted to find peace. The goal is to make it to the end of your day with the knowledge you are worth it and it’s possible to make it through your misfortunes, even if finding peace hurts. Now imagine you experience losing your best friend, or thinking that's the case when they're just busy, you'd get panicked and upset - imagine that exact emotion at that level of intensity every single day. The gears start spinning your head. The truth starts to be less and less relevant when you experience this level of emotion. Do they even like me anymore? Did they ever? Have they been doing everything they can to show me they don’t want me around, and I’ve just been missing it? I hurt one of them the other day, saying or doing something careless based on too much emotion, like I usually do. Was that the final straw? Are they finally done being able to forgive me like I always knew they would be? You start to push them away to protect them from yourself and from all of the huge feelings. If one of them is your “favourite person,” someone you have become enmeshed with and have taken on their emotions as if they were your own in a really unhealthy fashion, it gets even more intense and complicated. This is the fear of abandonment someone with Borderline feels, on some level, every single day. It’s not them being dramatic. It’s not them looking for attention or trying to isolate you. It’s a level of emotional pain most people will never experience or will experience so infrequently that it stands out in their mind as a terrible day in their life. I suffer with quiet borderline, in which I keep it all in and internalise the feelings, but blame myself for it.
With anxiety, I do little things that normal people living a normal life wouldn't do. I start to obsessively clean and organise things. I rearrange things. Something as small as the order of my bathroom, taking everything out of the cupboards and putting it back in different places, or even my furniture. Sometimes it stays, sometimes I move it back the way it was. I guess I feel like it’s in a better spot than it was before and if I’m moving while doing it I’m putting myself in better place also. I blink. A lot, And clean like a madwoman. Sometimes, it’s the only thing I can do that allows me to feel in control of something. I also twist my hair, shaking my legs unintentionally, and click my nails. Anxieties lead me into a state of thinking I’m worthless, not doing enough or being good enough. Then that leads me into my depressive, no motivation isolation state. I ask my fiance why he loves me and why he chose to be with me. I often don’t feel like I’m ‘enough.’ If I’m anxious I try my best not to bombard him with messages especially if he's out, but sometimes it's the only thing keeping me sane. Anxiety makes me feel that I’m always bothering people. Even close friends. Just trying to start a conversation with them makes me feel that I’m just being a big bother, so I tend to isolate myself. Since feeling lonely is better than feeling like a bother in my eyes. I see myself mentally retreating and feeling myself go down the spiral, while being able to maintain a good outward appearance. Nobody notices the change. Having to deal with the constant depression and social anxiety along with Borderline, people think I’m ‘doing better’ whereas I’m just good at hiding the hard things. I internally attack myself. Whereas someone with classic Borderline acts upon other people, I attack myself because I prefer to deal with things internally, if I've done something wrong, I internally attack myself then over-react in situations because I feel like the worst person on the face of the earth. It's been described as being a quiet Borderline. I get attached to friends almost immediately and I spend 90 percent of my day trying to make them like me. If I think they are a little angry with me or dislike me, then my world crumbles and I feel like the worst human being alive, like I'm not good enough. If me and Jonny have a disagreement, I dissociate completely which in turn causes over reactions I'm unaware of being I'm not fully aware of what I'm doing. It's easier to dissociate rather than deal with things.
Dissociation takes me to a peaceful place but on the outside I'm saying and doing things I'm unaware of. It scares me, and it makes me scared of myself. I'd never hurt anyone else, I'd only ever hurt myself. Little things can set me off, which then can cause me to feel really depressed. I internalise things then hurt myself, though I'm 2 months clean of self-harm now. Before that I was 4 months clean. I fear abandonment, but I also fear getting attached to people because I always end up hurt, then feel even worse. Vicious cycle of mentality. I find it easier to shut down than blow up, so I self-sabotage myself. All these flood gates of emotions in my head build up, but I can't let them out, I hold it all in.Then we come to the chronic pain side of things. People who don't understand just think "oh it's just pain and tiredness, get over it." But it's so much more than that. It isn't just pain and fatigue. We can't just take painkillers and hope it goes away. However, those living with chronic pain/Fibromyalgia/M.E know it can cause so many more symptoms than that. Sometimes these illnesses can even cause symptoms that others may see as “taboo” or off-limits. The first thing we cross is sensory overload. It’s hard to handle too much noise, movements, lights, smells, etc. It makes socialisation extremely hard because if there’s more than one person there, there’s already extra movement and sound going on. Add a public place to it, and it makes the system go haywire with brain fog, indecisiveness, anxiety and pain. A lot of times it can come off as rude or antisocial, but I don’t think you could ever understand how hard Anglicization with sensory overload is until you’ve experienced it. I struggle to regulate my temperature a lot too. Some days it's not even hot, or sweaty but I'll be drenched even when I haven't been out. In Summer, unless there is water involved, I try to avoid going out which is a downfall because I have a vitamin D deficiency, so I can never win. It's really embarrassing and I constantly feel like I need to explain myself if people look at me because I'm so sweaty.
Now we move on to the sudden fatigue… I AM NOT LAZY! I’ve learned that I have to pace myself to ensure that I have the right energy to get through the day so if I say no to something or ask you to help with something that seems like an easy task, I’m not being lazy, I have hit an energy wall. Some days I still over do it and I struggle to cope with the pain. It's almost like constant exhaustion, and the fact that no one wants to understand or comprehend makes it more difficult, especially because we're in pain 24/7. I’m sometimes a little sensitive, irritable and snappy. I don’t enjoy being around people (partly due to sensory overload) and I have closed myself off so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings with my callousness. The constant pain makes me so angry with everything that it’s hard to function.
The worst thing for me living with this is the migraines and the brain fog. I can't describe exactly what it feels like, but what I can tell you is when I get a chronic migraine, I get severe brain fog. Some days I get just migraines, some days I get just brain fog. When this happens, it's almost like I feel disconnected from life, like there's a huge bubble around me. It's like I'm in a slow motion picture, I forget words, forget where I am, and I forget what I'm talking about mid-sentence. Conversation with Brain Fog is difficult. I accidentally zone out while listening to my fiance and sometimes I drift into a different thing entirely whilst still trying to listen to him. It's like I'm walking through jelly, everything just feels heavy, like there's a weight pressing right on the front of my head. My eyes don't focus. I'm trying to function but it's difficult to coordinate physical movements as you try to go about your day. Some days, you can see straight but everything seems distant. You feel exhausted mentally, everything exhausts you mentally and though you're seeing straight, the world just feels blurry. It's hard to put sentences together, or to think of certain words. It's hard to do little things because you've sort of forgotten how to do them. I struggle with my weight. I fluctuate a lot. I can't help it, I can lose weight but I'll end up putting it on. I struggle with my tummy, and find myself needing to go to the bathroom because something I'd normally eat just upsets my tummy on that day. I sometimes have issues with my bladder. My bladder is overactive, but I have to drink a lot as I get dehydrated quickly and I get a dry mouth as a side effect from medications. I find myself waking 2-3 times a night to go to the bathroom. Something less talked about with chronic pain, is genuinely anxiety and depression. Depression is a factor, but it's not the cause of chronic pain. My pain is medically unexplained. Depression doesn't go away because the cause of it doesn't go away. You can keep it under control with medications but people don't want to, or aren't willing to understand invisible illnesses. People will see you laugh, and smile so they assume you must be happy. But they don't understand the true feelings of what goes on deep inside your brain.My life has gotten slowly better over the last few months. Whilst yes, I've been on a low, it's nothing to do with my fiancé or anything. It's just the vicious cycle of emotions and pain that drags me down.
I love him so much. I know there's times when I'm selfish unintentionally because I don't think, I'm always apologetic if I've upset him for whatever reason. I've always placed him first, even though he never asked me to, but I love him that much I'll worship the ground he walks on. I'm always apologetic if I've ever lashed out and caused him pain. All these little apologies I need to make, because I know there's times where he's doubted my love and affection. I'm just so lucky to have a guy like him in my life, while he doesn't understand my illnesses, he does his best to support me. I know we have our arguments, and our disagreements, and there's been times we've pushed each other away. But being able to look him the eye, and apologise, helps us grow even stronger despite the blips. How do I tell him how much love I feel when I look into his eyes and hear him telling me he loves me? How do I express my feelings for him as there are not enough words to tell him how much I care? If he wasn't here for me, I would be nothing but with him by my side, I feel like I can do anything and be myself. I'm the luckiest girl on the planet to have a fiancé like him, I really am. So yeah. I'm sorry this has been long winded. I just needed to get a lot of things off my chest today. I hope you all have an amazing day.
Recent miscarriage, bad few weeks
I never saw your twinkling eyes or touched your precious feet. I never saw a tiny yawn or rocked you fast asleep. I never kissed your tiny hands or saw your little smile. I never held you in my arms, but inside for a short while Although I never saw your face or heard your precious laughter, You're still my child whom I love and will forever after So quickly you were in our lives, yet so quickly torn away We never got the chance to meet you, there's so left to say If I'd have known that you were there, things wouldn't have been the same All these thoughts running through my head, it's enough to drive me insane. Though you lived only five short weeks, we loved so very much. I wish that I could hold you in a few months time, I'd long to feel your touch I will never get to hold you to keep you warm and safe I'll never see your eyes twinkle, and the smile upon your face You're gone but not forgotten, never born but always here In every ray of sunshine and every rain drop tear I promise I will never forget you, and I swear there will be love In our hearts and in our home, you'll forever be a part of
RIP Baby Anderson. 16/02/2019
