Newnham girl.

We walk on the grass.

[chronikcles]

so it’s now 2 months later and despite preparing everyone for the fact that i’m a procrastimess and making plans around it, it’s happening again.

two weeks to submission and there are no essays, no essay plans, hardly any reading, i’m not even sure which book i’m reviewing in my book review. not a great start. 

i’m already the party-pooper that says no to everything, but i’ve either got to become even more boring, or just change something more fundamental about my ability to concentrate on macro-long term-high priority tasks and make the best use of interstice time before it’s really crunch time. 

i am far too good at getting things organised like groceries and trips and brunches and just miserable at doing actual learning things for my actual degrees. definitely feeling like it’s time to get into the real world or real work and build a work ethic before coming back for another degree. 

[chronikcles]

OmmWriter

So this year, I emailed my tutor months in advance of my deadlines explaining that I’m a procrastinating mess. 

She’s lovely and said she’d be happy to help with mini-deadlines and regular meetings, etc. She also sent a link to the university learning resources where I found this. OmmWriter. It was pretty, so I got it. 

It does different backgrounds, white noise or concentration-y music, keystrokes, and SUCH a nice clean interface. 

I think I might write more, focus more, be better this time. 

[chronikcles]

Things that were familiar in today’s class and would have been great if I had been a better student during my BA-

Habermas

Quentin Skinner 

Cambridge School debates 

Morley-Minto reforms 

Partha Chatterjee on nationalism 

The good news is, my faith in liberal arts education has been reaffirmed once more. SUCH A GOOD MODEL. If only I had been more diligent. I hope access to KEATS is perennial and I’ll always be able to watch Adrian’s political thought lectures. 

[chronikcles]

Falling back into my usual patterns of being present at all classes and events, trying to do as much as possible, alternating between skip-in-my-step-enthusiasm and fatigue, and never doing any reading for class. need to construct a work ethic. 

[chronikcles]

Look at our view of the UL. Also look at this archive called "The Nincompoop" about a Mr. W. A. Barnes who was a racist principal and educational officer in 1930s Punjab. Everyone hated him. It's the best archive.

[chronikcles]

reasons I love my new degree

I am from Bangalore. Not “a city in South India”

Jokes at the welcome event were about whose language is subaltern and whose is sub-subaltern (Oriya to Bangla etc.)

There is a password for the kitchen and it is 1857. I found myself beginning to write down this 4 digit code, after 1-8-, I started laughing. 

I am learning new things, with every conversation and every reading. No more introductory “this is when independence was” and much more “an 80 year old drug addict” and assuming we will all know that he means Bahadur Shah Zafar. 

I can’t get away with not-reading. My course mates are hella prepared. 

There is Hinglish. And “Banglish” and familiar accents. 

The library. Has everything I can think of. It would takes years and lifetimes to read this all, but I know any ideas I have will be reflected on these shelves. 

Archives. Just wow. 

[chronikcles]

Some pictures of the new life. 

[chronikcles]

"Village”

So i’m finally here. And it’s really not anything like I thought it would be. Maybe that’s because I’ve spent the first week mostly in my flat, or because actually people are ‘normal’, or because the small town vibe isn’t annoying me as much as I thought it would, or maybe just because it’s not really begun yet. But I like it here. 

(But I don’t think I’m going to change the URL despite this no longer being the KCL Chronicles. I have grown attached.) 

The past two weeks back in the UK have been a huge reflection on belonging and separation (from London and King’s) and lots of feelings, etc. as usual. Arriving in Cambridge was a big change. The porter (Mervyn) was lovely and brought me all the way to my new room in Grange Gardens (which is massive and new and clean and wonderful), and the day 1 social in the MCR was super pleasant (lots of cake). Day 2 was a bit strange, I went to buy my bike from Maria and then cycled to the Grafton Centre and it all felt so white. I’d really begun to take London’s diversity for granted. Felt strange and out of place there. Days 3 and 4 were mostly sitting in the flat waiting for my stuff to arrive from storage. The thing about being around here has been making friends with Tanisha (flatmate) who’s a PhD student studying race/chronic illness in the U.S. and is so cool and nice and interesting and lovely. So I think I’ve made a friend. We’re sitting and working together at our communal table now and had tea and chat last night, which was so reminiscent of early days at Connaught. Tea and chat is definitely my m.o. for friend-making. 

Day 3 also involved a visit to the department, which was SO GOOD. Barbara is so chatty and friendly and introduced me to everyone and gave me a tour and it was so nice. I think it’s going to be a tight knit community and a really productive work space. Also was so amazed at the library, after spending years in Maughan looking for half-shelves of books vaguely related to India, to suddenly find a whole library full was such a pleasant surprise. That evening I also met my first coursemate, Gaurav, at the Darwin Bar. I had forgotten it was a mature college, but being there was so familiar, like the Connaught bar. It was alive, in a relaxed-chatty way. We ended meeting some of the South Asia Centre faculty/alumni and talking about research and our MPhils and fears and exchanging stories for hours. I’m so glad to finally be here and be in a space where I’m not just from “South India, Bangalore, yeah, that IT city, you wouldn’t have heard of it.” but where I can be, “Yeah, I’m kinda Tamilian, kinda Malayali, kinda neither, generic South Indian I guess, but my Hindi is okay, and now my mom lives in Pondicherry, yes, this is my British Indian accent and the code switching really confuses me.” and to be understood along with all of that. At King’s it took friends much longer to understand the nuances of those things and honestly, even if you asked the SuperFriends now, I’m not sure any of them would know more than the Bangalore/Pondicherry living situation because Tamil Nadu and Kerala and languages aren’t familiar to them. I think being part of this department will finally fill all those gaps for me. I’m looking forward to it. 

Though, of course, I’m still incredibly nervous and unprepared for this whole degree, talking to people from the department helped. It was also a massive relief to find out that my supervisor doesn’t hate me, she is aware of my existence, and just happens to be busy and not great at replying to emails. 

Aaron also put me in touch with two of his friends here for me to have “non-grad” company should I ever need it. Always grateful for people who care. Here and away. At the moment, mostly away, but yeah.

Also start up costs. Always. So expensive. First kitchen though!! So am quickly realising that though I’m spending money in bigger chunks, I’m no longer buying food. Not even at the Buttery. So that’s a good sign! It feels like a lot more adulthood that Connaught was able to offer. I’m glad to have made this slow transition. 

Excited to meet the other two flatmates, make more friends at Newnham, do the whole freshers fair/meet and greet events, the formals and dinners and the gown and matriculation, department induction, find my course friends, and actually get down to work. 

These 9 months are going to fly by. 

[chronikcles]

So it’s over and I need to tell myself over and over that “not good enough” is not how I should feel about myself. Made it, I guess. Not the sort of euphoria I expected, but am glad at least the day was spent with friends and the three of us were able to check them together. Puts it in perspective. I should be happy, if not just for myself, for all my friends who made it as well. 

[chronikcles]

Final push.

The last few days/last week have felt like a complete mess. No motivation, struggling to get things done, the usual cycles of procrastination and disappointment and guilt and unhappiness. 

Something has changed today. The one deadline is gone and even though (despite weeks of preparation) I submitted what I think will be one of the worst essays I’ve submitted at university, I feel ready for the next thing.

It’s been a happy, healthy, productive day. I’ve finally been brave enough to sort through the feedback on my dissertation bits, done new reading, redone my research questions, downloaded lots of new reading, started thinking about the Buddhism exam, cooked lunch and dinner, had breaks, been supported, seen sunshine, spent time with friends, had a healthy online communication with Ma, and am feeling rejuvenated.

Better and able.

About to get into bed with a film and ice cream and last thought/conversation of the day was the joy of being able to be interested in and passionate about so many things. When I’m doing the poetry thing - writing, reading, performing and researching, I feel that artsy feel. Tonight, getting back into the education and policy stuff - I feel that political interest, anger, passion, desire to know more, do more. Grateful.

Ma said in an e-mail today, Being grateful and being passionate and being authentic. That’s all it is.

[chronikcles]

Harf

Harf is a new, annual undergraduate journal published out of McGill University. We feature academic work on the history, religions, and literatures of South Asia.

It feels strange to be coming to the end of this degree and to feel like suddenly everything is happening all at once. Poetry and journals and admissions and decisions and reflection (and the worst of the procrastination, but lots and lots of good to counter that)

The sari essay certainly hasn’t been one of my best, I didn’t get great feedback on it, I am fully aware that it’s a quite a shallow rehashing of a few pieces of existing work in an area where there isn’t a lot of existing work. But it feels like a start. A push to be better. This could be the start of something new?

Am so grateful to Jay’s friend Le for thinking of me though we’d only barely met at that dinner and telling me about Harf, and then to the Harf team for picking me as their only external author and choosing two of my pieces, and then Sayema for being such a wonderful understanding person to work with and chat with. And to the flexibility that history modules at King’s have offered me, enough that I am able to write about clothes and food and truly feel like history is not just about dates of wars. 

[chronikcles]

I don’t really know how to express the gratitude I feel for being allowed, even as an undergraduate student, to work on things I love. That move me. 

I know I spend 80% of my time complaining about deadlines and then continuing to procrastinate, but I have spent the past three days immersing myself in the work of Jean ‘Binta’ Breeze, Roger Bonair-Agard, Roger Robinson and Staceyann Chin. Learning about dub, more about slam, reading poetry, but also watching it and listening to it and thinking about it without feeling guilty for overindulging in a ‘hobby’ because this time it’s research. 

I’ve teared up a few times during the process, but this video was tipping point somehow. Maybe it was the added emphasis of replaying portions so I coudl transcribe as I watched, but I love this idea. And it is so amazing to watch such strong women being totally candid about their journeys and identites and maybe it is also that I watched this after having read parts of Staceyann Chin’s memoir. 

[chronikcles]

Everything.

Yesterday was my last day of classes. So strange to think that this BA has finished, an unstopping circle line train below ground and above it, all coming back around to this. 

I looked back for the blogposts from first year, the beginning. There’s this one where I’m unbelievably over ambitious and unreasonably nervous. And this one of my first actual day of lectures, that is a jarring awakening- I’ve begun to take this all for granted when exactly two years and six months ago I was calling it ‘everything I’d always wanted.’

So here are some updates-

I have definitely not worked 50 hours a week. It is possible that I have also not spent a single week actually working 50 hours. Maybe exam time in first year. I still don’t think so. 

I have been able to blag my way through seminars. And meetings. And essays, to a lesser extent. And that is sad. 

My education has forced me to drop my pretentious pseudo intellectualism, I think. I am very clear about not knowing enough about anything or even anything about many things at all.

How I felt when starting this BA is how I will feel again when starting the MA. I look forward to the déjà vu. 

I ended up dropping AKC because turns out French was on Mondays and I couldn’t make it, so haven’t done that.

Art and Arch of Ancient Greece turned out to be my best grade in first year. And Worlds of the British Empire, the class I most enjoyed, was my worst. Learnt not to measure.

I had such a great last day of uni. 

Starting with the Wall of BAME (this pun has been my crowning achievement of third year) and all the beautiful people and stories.

Meeting Adrian and being reassured that I’m not the worst student ever and that I’ll be able to pull it together and do this dissertation and having a cool idea for it in the meeting itself.

Lunch with Naadirah and discovering both a wonderful new person and also the wonderful Pizza Hut lunch buffets that I’ve gone this whole time not knowing about. All the poems and conversation and things in common and Chipotle and space and instagram and the texts that followed. 

Last Diasporas class and making a film pitch in class and people laughing and reflecting on how much we’ve grown and learnt and discovering Gillian’s corporate accomplishments and reading the Five Measures of Expatriation and feeling it so much. Feeling like identity and the things we think within ourselves can be real, can be tangible, can be academic. 

Trying to go to the Liberal Arts core module presentations and instead being intercepted by the group that was leaving and being taken by Owen onto the Somerset House balcony. Amalie and Rory got some prosecco, and I had my teatrapak orange juice, and Brita had a box of Lindor from a first year to whom she’d lent notes, and Gavin’s playlists echoing from the iPhone in the plastic sandwich box and laughing and chatting for hours and watching the skyline and the clouds that looked like oil paint from the same vantage point that we all came to see as freshers with our parents like “oh wow King’s overlooks the Thames” and then getting burritos with Arthur and sitting in Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese for hours with that one G&T (one G, two T, one pineapple piece, one lemon slice) and just feeling so relaxed and happy and all the hugs when we left. 

So yeah, I haven’t learnt as much as I wanted because I didn’t put in the effort I should have, and I’ve been stressed and last minute about every assessment and not organised enough outside my diary and still feel a bit lost and uncertain but that’s what growing up is. So it’s okay. I’ve made good decisions I think, and met kind clever people and been part of communities I am proud of. 

Maybe it’s not been for the reasons I expected, but this time really has been everything I’d always wanted. 

[mydarkapron]

◤ THE THIN BLUE LINE, 1988

╳ Errol Morris

[chronikcles]

Love how the milkshake features in all of these posts and articles about Thin Blue Line.

Spent the afternoon with core group discussing our presentation and what we’re saying and how we’re doing it and I couldn’t be more thankful for this group that we’ve gotten. I’ve never been in a project group before where I feel like I’m the one contributing the least, and while that may not be 100% true all the time I just feel like it’s such a positive reflection on the quality of this group and how safe and good I feel working in it.

I gathered some gifs for our presentation and also made this one today.

[chronikcles]

things on my mind 2

Here’s up updated list from the time of this post. I’ve been stopping in between classes and conversations and plays recently and just been almost paralysed by thoughts and clogged paths of how much is on now. Writing it all down always helps. 

Degree

Dissertation (!!)

Core presentation

Democracy and development essay

Diaspora essay

Exam revision

Masters

Interview prep

Interview

Confirmations

Scholarship applications

Liberal Arts

Boat party

Common Room heating/noticeboards

More mugs 

Easter picnic

SSLCs/DECs/etc.

Leuphana Conference

Writing paper

Tickets

Visa 

Funding

Poetry

BYP showcase

Post-Everything recording

Post-Everything interview

21- editing, interview, photo

Poetry Masterclass

Time contest submission

Connaught

Shifts- Easter intensity

Tumblr/insta (need to do better)

Committee

Intercollegiate Garden party

SM re-application/interview

Events

Bungee

O2

Other birthday stuff

People visiting

Anindya

Deeksha (+visa)

Keeping in touch more

[chronikcles]

That was the standard orientalist line, that all religions need to be like Western religion where there’s a god and books and rules and ways to be and you need to be able to articulate all of it. It doesn’t have to be able to be articulated or consciously formulated. It’s about doing. Much of it is embodied in practice and what you do and the language you may or may not understand and cooking and tasting and praying and habits.  Ritual is not something you have to do at the temple, it permeates all social dimensions.

This is a paraphrasing of what’s just been said in class on the Luksaite article ‘Constructing the diasporic body: ritual practices among South Asians in Britain’ and in the discussion I was thinking about being ‘Hindu-ish’ and how when I’m asked I always say ‘ish’ or ‘spiritual but not religious’ or say something defensive to offset the questions that people might ask about faith and roots and books and practices that I don’t know how to answer.

For the first time, this little bit of conversation has made me maybe feel like Hindu is not wanting to step on fallen paper, picking up the fallen coins with respect, knowing how to accept the prasadam and the blessing and somewhat how to pray. 

I remember so clearly being in temples and struggling with what to do and how to do it, and even now praying every day in the way that I have devised it, rather than in the way that it is prescribed because I haven’t learnt about how it’s been prescribed since I was 7 or 8 and I didn’t like it and didn’t remember it. 

I want to think about this more and I’m so glad that it’s two of my favourite teachers who work on this. 

[wittacism241253-deactivated2016]

It’s essay writing season for tons of students!

After being a college writing tutor for over a year, I thought I would share my advice with all you awesome people on tumblr. This is how I write essays, but if you’ve got more tips, feel free to add them below. 

Happy writing. You can do it!