thinking about being fat. thinking about how being fat is a part of my queerness to me. thinking about how it's a part of me that will never change and about how i never want it to. when i eat i do it because i like it. because i can, and because it is how i show love to myself.
when i eat i do not count calories, i eat what tastes good and what feels good. i eat what i want when i want. i take a bite for child me who didn’t have reliable access to food. i take a bite for teenage me who thought i was unlovable because of how i looked. i take a bite for baby me who was born fat, grew up to be fat, and will die fat. i take a bite for 25 year old me that had to steal all my groceries to stay alive. i take a bite for me right now because i like it.
when the shame i was taught starts to creep in i chew it, swallow, and take another bite. you could never convince me to hate myself for my fat ever again. it is something i love about myself. it is something i love in others.
when i fuck fat people i want to put my hands on every part of them. i want to feel their body in places my own skinny past lovers have been too afraid to touch on my body. i want them to feel the love i feel for myself, i want them to know i love their fat as a part of them and that it is just as important as the rest. i want to worship their fat body in the way i worship my own. i want them to feel appreciated for the gold under their skin.
being fat to me is not a fetish, nor is it a source of shame any longer. it is only love.
