After all these months you’re willing to talk, after all my crying and screaming, ranting and raving, pain and trauma, grief and recovery fell on deaf ears for over half a year
I cried in the night for a year waiting for you to listen, I cried into my pillow and into the long bubble baths I took, I cried into my writing, into my friends’ shoulders, I cried into cups of coffee, in the car while I drove to love songs that didn’t make sense anymore
You saw me cry and turned away, had nothing to say but insults, left me there to drown in my tears, I wanted to literally drown in my tears, I wanted to disappear from this earth because of the pain you brought me, that lived in me, in my desperation to be loved by you
You didn’t just break my heart, you didn’t just hurt some girl, you didn’t just screw up and self destruct, let your addictions, fucks ups and rage rule you
You took the most cheerful, sweet, innocent, optimistic soul and destroyed her
By trashing my faith in humanity, by proving to me that people can’t be trusted, believed, that some people are out to get you, even people you love with all your heart, you said you’d protect me, take care of me, but you didn’t say you’d save me from you
I believed in you, saw the best in you, knowing I loved you like no one ever had, my gift, an undying unwavering passion I have for life, a cheerful glee and mirth that I embrace the world I live in, you sucked it right out of me, slowly, insidiously, calculated, cold, you ruined me
Is it a coincidence that you’re ready to talk now that I’m truly happy again, accepting my flaws, tackling my fears finally going after being the person I always wanted to be? Are you not done destroying me? If you were capable of explanations, redemption, love, compassion, or kindnesses the expiration date on the place you had in my heart expired the night you closed the door so you didn’t have to listen to my sobbing.
It took me too long to realize how dangerous you were for me, how freely I gave you my love, and how many excuses and allowances I gave you in begging for your attention and affection
I see what real love is like now, for myself, when someone else is willing to give it, how mutual passion feels, wraps you up in this mystical space that transcends the days and time when we have to be immersed in reality
I found a love that doesn’t require me to give all of myself and a little more to make up for what another lacks, you can’t choose to be compassionate, kind, empathetic, generous, magnanimous, awed, intrigued, loving, it is part of who we are as humans, where did that part of you go, when did it die?
I have pity for you, what you lost, what you could have had, how I would’ve loved every flawed part of you for the rest of my life had you been able to do the same, but we weren’t meant to be, you were the end of my old life, the beginning of the new
I left you stripped bare with nothing, hanging on the tiny slivers of sanity, health, hope, scraping and clawing my way up from the bottom of a dark pit of despair, shedding who I was on the thorny branches that littered my way up to the light
It wasn’t you helping me up into the light, any mention, thought, word, idea, or essence of you threatened to push me head first into the inky well of pain again, and I shrugged it off and kept moving, finding the joy within, day after day, finding hope again in slivers, in smiles, in ecstasy and love again, and you were not there
You will never be there again. You will not be in my heart, you will be a blurb, a story, a vague ache, a joke, a lesson, a distant memory that is unreal as a strange twisted dream, a pivotal point on which my life changed for the better, when I left the old self destructive ignorant naive me down in hell as I crawled toward the bright glow of what gives me life
You will not have me again, you never deserved me, though I wanted you to, there will be a part of me that loves who I thought you were for the rest of my life, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, raw, sore, a wound, healing over, becoming a knotted piece of who I once was, that girl that was capable of letting herself be ruined by a man like you