I say I am both nonbinary and a cis man because I like recognizing other people's opinions and I see the vision of people who consider me a cis man. There's also the fact that... people often mention cis by default, but bizarrely enough I am cis by self-cultivation.
Being entirely honest, it is self-contradictory to claim both nonbinary and cis in my case, my nonbinary gender identity is actually a remnant of a time period in which I was trans (or potentially trans) in the sense of 'person who experiences some level of dysphoria' and this aged out (the implication here is that anyone who feels bothered about misgendering is dysphoric and ergo qualified for claiming being trans, I no longer experience A so I am no longer B thus I don't consider myself C, this is not a statement about others' experience), and it does not really include man as a gender identity.
The relationship between the two is a fungus that's simultaneously mutualistic, commensal and parasitic depending on how you see it and a plant that unsuccessfully only started to produce hostile compounds against the fungus once it was too late, but didn't die, it will just never really look like a typical tree for its species.
If unclear: the fungus is my neurodivergence + mediumship + "sexual inversion" responsible for producing a gender more esoteric than man in somebody who didn't have an object reason to, with them being testicular-Wolffian and probably not anywhere near a transsexual (implying a strong biological basis for pursuing a transfeminine or transmasculine medical transition) in neurodevelopment, and the tree is me being testicular-Wolffian, aware that people will always gender me as a man consciously or unconsciously and having a "boy describing how he feels about bugs" reaction to that. (The fungus comparison makes a lot more sense when you find out I am part of the Ray Peat + supplements + peptides rabbithole and my ideology in regards to myself being LGBTQIA+ isn't one of self-hate but it's probably considered incredibly problematic in the community.)
So I guess iso (ex-trans) for being nonbinary + cis for being a cis man, which is more so an acknowledgement than an identity. But lol clearly cis man is also an identity here, I am being deliberately obtuse... Do we have "trying to eat the cake and have it too" gender modality?
Mind you, when I say fungus, I don't mean I want to remove it. I consider my nonbinary gender a very serious unintentional spell and I find it somber to ponder about its spiritual significance and power. It's definitely something I am attached to. But now it feels like a hoodie that everyone has always known me for and this brings me some sense of stability and self-reference, rather than being something I intrinsically am.
I have the feeling it's like something I could wake up tomorrow, decide to e.g. become a gym bro and treat the nonbinary gender as a phase that no longer defines me. Though I won't, and doing that would give me serious vibes of now being a weak person that's so desperate for validation that they LARP as a soulless normie. But that's not because being cis means that, it's because I can't walk back now without becoming a poser and a traitor to my own legacy.
My nonbinary gender carries the weight of me being a Millennial, while me being a cis man carries the weight of me being a devil's advocate who has far more so of a Reddit atheist (though I'm a Pagan) [CW: 4tran language] male-brained phenotype than most people in the community, and this plus the baseline atmospheric transmisogyny in the queer community and people like me being an optics nuke simply pushed me towards forcing myself to contend with the fact I will never be free with 'nonbinary' being ok if people hate trans women, cis gay men and cis bi men for the original sin of being testicular-Wolffian/deemed male at birth.
Maybe I should coin bonsaigender for cisness as self-cultivation, particularly when that doesn't come out of repressing transness, particularly as a response to realizing you can't really find ways to advance and thrive in a transgender direction. My pronouns are they/them but we're at work so it doesn't matter forever.
