An AU reversed fic. Spoilers ahead just in case for Endgame, procceed with caution.
And I hear him every night
              âThe Widowâ - The Mars Volta
The man he was, crumbled and scattered into the winds along his family. Five years took to twist himself beyond recognition, not magic artifacts nor mischievious gods needed.Â
Loki must be laughing to tears in fucking Valhalla (If what Thor told him is the truth).Â
Nope, better not going to that place. Too problematic.Â
It is almost preferable to think of Nat telling him she has nothing to forgive him for because she was not better.Â
Fuck that, she is way better. She has been relentlessly reminding him of that the moment he held her hand.Â
Brave, beautiful, stubborn Natasha Romanoff.Â
If there is some damn good thing he gave to this god forsaken world was her.Â
âWe are a long way from Budapestâ
He laughs for the first time in years, now he gets it, her fondness for that particular mission.Â
It distracts him from the uncertainty, the grief for his dusted family, for the death of his humanity, for leaving the Avengers and Nat behind, for just thinking about himself. He forgot his partner, his best friend, he broke his oak to her and she deserved way better of him.
There are no excuses in spite of how many she is making for him.
Red Skull (he has read the files) speaks.
âIn order to take the stone, you must lose that which you love. AÂ soul for a soul.â
Natasha may be an spy, but the eyes that look back at him are so easy to read. He does not deserve that love but he is grateful. For the gift it is, for the sacrifice to work.
Maybe in another life, he thinks fondly. Â
This amazing woman deserves victory, deserves to reap what she sowed, to meet happiness and get her family back. Laura and their children will be there for her too. He just wants her to live.
She is not alone anymore.
She hasnât been in a long time.
She is way stronger than she thinks she is.
They banter lightly and call on the bullshit, brace themselves, hands are hold, foreheads touching, hearts thundering and it begins.
He moves first. His style is nothing like before and it throws Natasha off. He is so ruthless, efficient and trickier than her and it ends so fast.Â
Clint runs pass her without looking back and she runs after him mentally calculating how she is gonna catch him middle air and thatâs her undoing. She is still calculating when he turns, facing her already, feet off the cliff, a gun materializing in his hands; the net that electrocutes her, envelopes her body and pins her to the ground, she just can watch how Clint dissappears in front of her with a smile in his lips.
âTell them that I loved them till the endâ.
Natasha just can hear herself scream.
In Clintâs head there is a red halo.
She barely can restrain herself from join him.
Vormir accepts the sacrifice.
She wakes up in the water, a stone in her hand.
Clintâs soul beats quietly as if trying to console her. She doubles over herself and cries till there is nothing left.Â
She does not even know how she goes back.
âWhere is Clint?â, Steve asks.Â
Her stricken face gives him the answer.
Wordlessly, she gives Steve the gem and dissappears into the corridors. No one has the heart (nor the words) to stop her.
Five years and it was for nothing, she thinks, numb.
She gave him hope and he died with hers.
