It’s like, no matter how unbothered I am on the surface and how well I seem to handle people constantly telling me I’m a man, I’m not a real woman, I’ll never be a real woman, I’m a creature less than human, it’s always going to eat away at my subconscious I guess
I made a video last night asking why the #intersex tag is banned on tiktok and it blew up with 100k views a Lot of intersexist assholes found it :) I deleted about 100 really nasty comments before I gave up and just let them come.
And like, it didn’t feel as insulting as it felt deeply irritating, but I woke up today shaky and heavily anxious, despite feeling excellent for a couple of weeks. Because no matter what I do, I’ll never be seen as a Real Woman OR as a fucking HUMAN for that matter. There will always be people who hate me for existing and want me dead for it. :)
And if it’s not them, it’s the 500 super confident people answering all the WHAT IS INTERSEX???? comments with “it means they have a penis and a vagina :) hope that helps :)” like how the fuck am I supposed to keep up when there are so many ignorant fuckers willing to talk for me and over me lmfao
And whenever I talk about any sort of abuse like this I get at LEAST one perisex trans person like, well sweaty, ur not trans, so this isn’t ur battle and u shouldn’t be upset, u must only be upset cuz ppl think ur trans, which is transphobic :// And if I try to find the language, as an intersex person who is living in a world that actively and effectively erases us, to explain why this sort of denial of our experiences is incredibly hurtful and harmful, I get a callout post about me warning people that I’m showing signs of Becoming A T*RF, that I obviously want to be one and I will be one in six months time. You know, just days after a bunch of t*rfs dogpiled me and one talked about beheading me :)))
Weirdly enough, perisex trans people denying my abuse and the trauma it comes with doesn’t make me want to be transphobic, nor do I believe people are doing this because the trans community itself is Mean and Bad. I think y’all are traumatized and somewhat reasonably distrusting but completely unaware of the violent intersexism you’re participating in by denying our abuse.
The beheading comment, followed by trans perisex people denying my experiences TO ME and telling me I’m transphobic for even having these experiences, was the combo that led to my suicidal meltdown last month. I’m NOT saying this to be manipulative, because my only fucking goal here is to get y’all to understand how serious intersexism is. I shouldn’t fucking have to lay out my trauma for the entire world to understand me. I shouldn’t fucking have to talk about my genitals and personal medical shit with every single person in the world, but I HAVE to to get anyone to take me seriously.
I didn’t ask to be intersex. I didn’t ask for my body to look the way it does. I didn’t ask for it to start developing this way when I was 11, for me to understand at 11 that my body was too “male” to ever be a real woman’s body. I didn’t ask to spend the majority of my entire life obsessively altering my appearance, shaving my face up to twice a day to avoid being “clocked”, avoiding any physical touch from other humans so they wouldn’t feel my stubble, not having ANY semblance of what y’all think someone who identifies as their agab should have as a “normal” girlhood or womanhood. I OBSESSIVELY hated my entire body for being too “male” for most of my LIFE. For y’all to see me as a privileged cis woman taking a quirky little tour in gender nonconformity and NOT as an intersex woman who has managed to accept her body after a decade and a half of despising it is fucking intersexist. And to tell me that I’m fucking upset that ppl think I’m trans, NOT because I’ve had to fight very hard for my identity as a woman from THE SAME PEOPLE YALL HAVE TO FIGHT, is so fucking intersexist. I’m tired of trying to make perisex people happy. I’m fucking tired.
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