a distinct cloudiness

nothing that truly lasts is real, because real things don’t last forever.

[cloudysurface]

cage

humans,

we think we know everything.

whatever “everything” means,

truth is we know nothing.

the world is a sphere of chaos,

something that is blessed.

it’s full of uncertainty,

something that is the bane of you and me.

for innately humans hate what they don’t know.

after death, where do we go?

the one question,

for which the answer will never be known.

it doesn’t matter.

neither the former nor the latter.

because, at the end of the day,

we are fickle beings, aren’t we?

a thought only exists in our own minds.

nothing tangible, unless we decide it to be.

but we don’t always have the means.

one second it’s a thought,

the next it’s a memory.

but wait, can’t everything be bought?

no, we’re running out of time.

night has befallen yet we’re prisoners of our own minds.

[cloudysurface]

tired

tears well up,

like they always do.

crying. i’m sick of crying.

but it’s a necessity,

my mind tells me.

so i sigh and do it anyway.

a month.

a month of pain and exhaustion.

ever since scenery changed.

tired.

i’m tired of it.

i can’t anymore.

is this what i deserve?

maybe mom was right.

maybe, this is how it’s supposed to be.

maybe, i’ll never know what,

it truly is like to be happy.

maybe this is my curse.

for my birth feels like a curse.

maybe, i should’ve joined,

my second older brother up in the sky.

maybe my time on earth,

is not to experience love and happiness,

but rather to experience suffering and pain.

[cloudysurface]

hate

creeping and crawling,

right through your mind.

It takes its time,

i wonder what next it will bring.

it waits for a disagreement to chime.

there, it’s crossed the line.

a cockroach,

filthy and disgusting.

it burrows a hole, a sink,

a calculated approach.

it lays its eggs,

and blooms a dark and cloudy forest.

it ravages your brain,

and brings great emotional and physical pain,

to the people around you.

who knew,

that you are the thunder in the rain,

and your hate, a vermin living in your mind’s drain?

there lays in front of you,

two choices.

either succumb to the hate’s mind games,

or breathe and push through.

you must close your eyes, and think.

for this decision could change your life in a blink.

[cloudysurface]

doll

standing lined on the shelf of a store,

i’ve never felt so bored.

my eyes dart to the surrounding doll girls,

oh how i wish i had their curls.

my eyes linger on the store door,

i’ve never wanted it to open more.

suddenly, there’s a chime,

and the door opens right on time.

in comes a customer,

searching for a new home comer.

‘please pick me,’ is the thought we all find,

floating through our minds.

but instead their eyes were instantly caught,

by the most beautiful doll the store has got.

her cascading locks of golden hair,

illuminate the store with a shiny flair.

in the customer’s bag the doll goes, and is brought,

to the counter to be bought.

we stare at the doll in great jealousy.

what is it, our worst destiny?

are we just too ugly to be sold?

do we all need hairs of gold?

i just hope that one day i can see,

what it’s like to be completely free.

[cloudysurface]

fire

the rage,

it burns from the bottom to the top.

i hope my brain doesn’t flop.

it sets the stage.

my heart beats and it doesn’t stop.

unlike a small abandoned shop.

everything shakes,

every fibre of my being.

with such vigour i’m seeing,

and the anger turns into a rattlesnake.

the preliminary noise means you should be fleeing.

otherwise, what trouble could you be in?

for there is no controlling it.

it consumes you,

and it won’t lose.

i throw a fit,

and there’s no way to press snooze.

a dark figure’s lit a fuse.

for if i could grab some scotch tape,

and place it on the vessel of its words,

i could be free like a bird.

but, till then others watch, mouth agape,

as they process the things i’ve heard,

to which my fury is directed towards.

[cloudysurface]

swing

the creak,

of the empty seat on the playground,

so soft, yet glaringly loud.

what is it that it seeks?

clarity or something else bleak?

for the figure that i’ve seen,

every day of my life,

it gleams like a sharpened knife.

the same knife that makes me bleed.

it stabs five times,

the result of a strife.

the figure and the knife,

they’re bound as one.

the swing has fun,

while the figure fights.

i can’t run.

it yells for no reason.

in comes the swing,

also synced to the figure.

it sways with rigour.

the moods it brings,

i see it from the mirror.

and it fills me with terror.

words that sting,

like sour lemon on a wound.

i look up at the moon,

and don’t feel a thing.

is this simply my fortune?

i sigh, i’ll just go back to my room.

[cloudysurface]

stuck

unable to move,

my thoughts surround me,

to a frightening degree.

i’m not sure what to do.

just let me breathe,

please.

i swing back and forth,

between various decisions,

not sure what to envision.

he left on the fourth.

since then, my brain experienced collisions,

and several inhibitions.

i’m a can in a vending machine,

and my brain the person buying.

i refuse to fall in,

despite the person being desperately keen.

i can’t win.

i’m frozen.

i try to reach out to a thought,

but they narrowly pass me by.

so i put more effort this time.

i fight a lot,

but then shake my head and give a laugh so wry.

there’s no more point to try.

[cloudysurface]

chair

a gentle support,

it carries,

all my memories.

even when i’m bored.

yet, it tends to freeze.

during my times of need.

its chains,

of neurons flow.

expanding as i grow.

enduring the strain,

of a life so slow.

all the things i should know.

15 pounds of internal agony,

weighing down on it.

but it doesn’t sag, not even a little bit.

it is strong and stable like a tree.

yet, i must admit,

that it would break if i sit.

for even it can’t handle me,

and the turmoil i bring.

no one can, absolutely nothing.

no chance, no possibility.

indeed, i can tell it must be quite tiring,

to bear someone who spends all her time crying.

[cloudysurface]

rain

my eyes are cloudy,

thunderstorms in my brain.

my heart filled with pain.

i can barely breathe,

for my lungs are chained,

and my veins are drained.

the clouds go darker,

and water starts to flow.

down they go,

and serve their purpose like a trusty gardener.

your favorite flowers start to grow.

that’s my sacrifice, i love you so.

the garden blooms,

the more the salty lake grows.

it needs more,

i assume.

instead of saying no,

i pick up the flow.

now there’s a perfect and ready garden,

sculpted especially for you,

right from the salty lake i grew.

you said you’d check, it looks like you’ve forgotten.

yet if only you really knew,

the things i went through.

[cloudysurface]

drown

a deafening silence,

only hearing the thoughts in my head,

the same ones that fill me with dread.

a raging violence,

a waterbed,

one made of cruel things people said.

floating in the vastness,

that is the ocean.

how much can it deepen,

how much can be expressed?

thoughts i try to keep in,

i’m instead lost deep in.

i can’t breathe,

precious air evades my lungs.

i open my mouth, but only taste salt on my tongue.

i don’t know what i need.

by the tides i am swung,

back and forth i am flung.

fish swim and wonder at my pain,

why is a young girl filled with so much sadness?

how is she in this mess?

sharks smile and marvel at their gain.

here i lie, with zero happiness,

at their mercy, with no sense of self.

[cloudysurface]

skin

stretching,

i move,

it does too.

i sing,

nothing blue,

but it follows through.

my eyes linger on it,

hair protrudes out,

like black grass on solid ground.

i wish it would up and split.

instead, i hear voices around.

“look at that girl with black hair on skin brown”

i trace a finger,

and feel the bumps,

and the lumps.

i outline my figure,

and my self-hate trumps.

my back slumps.

giant birthmark on my thigh,

and an innocuous scar,

from a time so far,

right above my left eye.

“you’ll never be a star,”

the same voices continue from afar.

[cloudysurface]

washmachine

my mind turns,

spinning and making me dizzy.

while my stomach churns,

making me feel uneasy.

my heart burns,

and my hair feels frizzy.

i feel soap flooding every inch,

as something rotates inside me.

i flinch,

it’s been starting to spill lately.

it’s definitely not a cinch,

to be completely free.

sometimes i wish that,

more often than not,

that someone could visit the laundromat,

of my heart that’s been bought,

and then turn on the thermostat,

so my body does not rot.

for in the washing machine of my mind,

my body spins,

and i’m left behind.

my thoughts are thrown in the laundry bin,

like dirty clothes for someone else to find.

in the washmachine, put them back in.

[cloudysurface]

waiting

here i lie,

at your mercy.

not by your side,

but soon hope to be.

a lonely leaf set aside,

from its bountiful tree.

but still i refuse,

refuse to be stuck.

hopefully the pain will diffuse,

and with it bring good luck,

over which i wouldn’t choose,

even a thousand bucks.

no, i won’t wait.

i’ll still be here,

but not lying as bait.

for whatever fear,

i had to this date,

it’s simply sheer,

sheer fate.

this fate will one day vanish,

for nothing lasts forever.

but if i could wish,

i’d wish that whenever,

we want to relish,

we do it together.

[cloudysurface]

body

i stare in the mirror,

analyzing each flaw.

a feeling arises, it’s bitter.

i wish i could withdraw,

this incredibly vile figure.

perhaps it’s my last straw,

before i pull my trigger.

my body is but a temple,

instead i’m convinced,

that it’s the devil.

i wince,

i wish i could rid of this vessel,

and evince,

how i’m not special.

the stores of fat,

that i wish i could melt away,

and make my skin flat.

maybe if i prayed,

had a little chat,

god would make it a better day.

but in reality,

there is only one truth.

the only thing i see,

is not my youth,

but rather how ugly,

is my left tooth.

[cloudysurface]

misery

how can i explain this feeling,

this empty void,

something only pain can bring,

all of my happiness destroyed,

like how an empty marriage ring,

can leave your life devoid.

an overwhelming urge,

to drain away the tears.

if only i could purge,

away all my fears.

the tears emerge,

like temporary souvenirs.

and they keep going,

tiled floor covered with these souvenirs.

like a tap forever flowing,

but yet will one day disappear.

and i hope that day isn’t slowing,

but rather is truly near.

for who knows how much more,

i can suffer.

like a debilitating chore,

that makes me tougher.

but i don’t want this anymore.

i long for something other.

[cloudysurface]

marriage

what a strange concept,

vowing to be together forever,

shall we place a bet?

how much of the vows will you remember,

and how much will you regret?

is it the road to true happiness,

a lifetime of wonder.

or is it the path towards an eternity of silence,

of which you will drown under?

regardless of what happens,

will you choose to surrender?

careful who you choose,

for once you’ve picked a partner,

you couldn’t bear to lose.

as once you’ve had your daughter,

a tiny mistake could trigger the fuse,

of her lifelong torture.

but don’t worry, don’t fret,

for there is always the chance of divorce,

don’t you forget.

it’s a powerful force,

that may set,

you up for remorse.

[cloudysurface]

anger

cold blooded rage fills my veins,

like a slithery snake possessing my body.

it makes its way, its own lanes,

like it’s looking for somebody.

instead, it leaves an eminent stain,

that can be seen by everybody.

the temperature rises,

and my blood boils,

i feel completely righteous,

and my mood is spoiled.

it is infectious like a virus,

one that everyone tries to avoid.

i don’t think i’m evil,

but my judgement is surely clouded.

attempts to calm me are feeble,

i’m completely surrounded.

these crass people,

will bore me to death.

the rage manifests,

and creeps out,

outside of my chest.

it brings about,

a wild unrest,

without any doubt.