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@cocklockholmes-blog
make america obama again
What, pray tell, the fuck
its the cash Biden reblog in 30 seconds for money in your future
So many lucky Biden posts on this site and I can’t afford to miss a single one
so you’ve heard of “the knee grope”? well get ready for
THE NECK STROKE
There's a fourth sibling still PEOPLE ALWAYS STOP LOOKING AFTER THREE
Imagine your OTP+
My dream wedding tbh xDD
This would hands down be me
I've been told you'd like to hear about my Grandmother...
My grandmother got married in 1962, to a young man in the military. For a wedding present, their parents bought them a house in a nice suburb. White picket fence, whole 9 yards. Not long after they moved in, the next door neighbor planted a mullberry tree on the side of his property, near my grandparent’s driveway. Nothing seemed amiss, but if you know Mullberry Trees, you know that sh*t is about to get real.
About 15 years later, the mullberry tree was OBNOXIOUS. The birds would come and eat the berries, and any car parked in the driveway would get sh*t on, and it would stain the cars and ruin paint jobs. My grandmother, upon realizing the culprit, baked a nice apple pie, walked next door, and asked the neighbor if he’d mind trimming back the branches of the tree that hung over her driveway. He told her not to worry, he’d get to it soon. Three days later, my grandmother opened her door to find a half-eaten pie in the plate, crawling with ants, and a note that said “I changed my mind.”
My grandmother threw out the pie, cursing up a storm, and swearing up and down she’d get him to trim that tree or get him back. City ordinance said she could not trim the tree, as the roots were on his property, so the whole tree was his property.
As the years went by, my grandmother repeatedly asked him, ever so nicely, to trim it back. His responses were always along the lines of “No” and “F*ck off.” Finally, in the mid-90s, my grandmother retired, and received a large bonus from her employer for her 35 years of work. She took the money, and bought the empty lot on the other side of the neighbor, then went to a nursery and bought 16 mullberry trees, planting them along her property line, on both sides of his property. About 3 years ago, he became angry at the damage they were doing to his cars, and cut them all back without permission. My grandmother took him to court, and he was forced to reimburse her for the trees at a markup because they’d had 10 years to grow.
…. That is hardcore on a level I hardly knew existed.
Thats a level of salty i can only pray I achieve
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk
Originally posted by disneyasastrology
BWAHAHAHAHAH.
the way i learned this, it was always told through spoken word. And you’d do the door thing for ages. AGES. literally just making up any old material. ‘behind the foam door is a door made of spinach’ that kind of shit. Go on until whoever is listening has already begged you to stop and has now gone on to pleading, clutching your shirt on their knees pleading. And when you finally said the last line? People went fucking nuts Like there was a good chance of just getting the teeth knocked out of you after telling that joke.
A friend of mine did that shit for 30 minutes on a camp once. The entire fucking bus just exploded in anger when she finished. It was a fucking massacre.
kinkshaming? no, i said kingshaming. fuck you, king george iii
DRAG THEM NEIL
Wtf is sephora
It sounds scary
isn’t that the guy with the long white hair from final fantasy
no your thinking of sephiroth, a sephora is an angel belonging to the highest order of angels
No you’re thinking of a Seraph
A sephora is a second year college or high school student
No, you’re thinking of sophomore. A sephora is when you use your phone to take a picture of yourself.
no, you’re thinking of a selfie. a sephora is a calm breeze.
No, you’re thinking of a zephyr. A sephora is one of those Greek vases with the two handles and the pictures.
You’re thinking of an amphora. Sephora is the web browser you have to use on iOS devices.
You’re thinking of Safari. Sephora is an informal term for the seven-week period of counting the days between Pesach and Shavuot in the Jewish calendar.
You’re thinking of Sefiras. Sephora is a bright blue gemstone best known for combining with Ruby to create Garnet and lead the Crystal Gems, training Pokemon, and/or assisting Steel to fight against time’s intrusions into our realm.
No, you’re thinking of sapphire. Sephora is actually a part of a flower; it protects the flower in bud and supports the petals in bloom.
No, you’re thinking of sepal. Sephora is the wife of Moses, who lead the Israelites people out of Egypt.
No, you’re thinking of Tzipporah. Sephora was an ancient Greek poet who inspired a lot of lady-lovin’.
No, you’re thinking of Sappho.
Sephora is the youngest of the five Marx brothers.
No, you’re thinking of Zeppo.
Sephora is the Heimdall’s sister.
No no no guys, you’re thinking of Sif. Sephora is a venereal disease that turns your brain to swiss cheese, going so far as to destroy external features like the nose. Famous gangster Al Capone suffered from sephora.
Watch: Poet Ashley Lumpkin nails the double standard in how we treat white terrorists versus people of color.
Here are some Hamilton things that make me smile. I hope it also brings a smile to your face.
the highlighted area is where Jason Derulo knows what the girls want. london to taiwan.
new york to haiti
greenland is right out
ummm no offense but new york to haiti should be measured as the area between the two latitudes, not the longitudes. this graph is incorrect and vastly underestimates the total region of the earth in which Jason Derulo knows what the girls want
Even measuring that way, Greenland remains right out, as does the entirity of Brazil.
Have we considered measuring by neither latitude nor longitude but in all area that would extend perpendicular from the diagonal of the two places? There are many different interpretations of the data, and until more is available, we ought not conclude anything at this point.
In light of that, I posit this alternative map of regions where Jason Derulo is potentially claiming where he knows what girls want:
As we can see, if we assume that model, the vast majority of the area where Jason Derulo knows what girls want is either open ocean (the Atlantic, the Mediterranean Sea) or sparsely populated (the northern Sahara, the northern Arabian Desert, various desert portions of Iran and Afghanistan, and the southern Tibetan Plateau). Four of the ten most populated countries on the planet have no territory in it (Nigeria, Brazil, Japan, and Indonesia), and two which do have relatively little territory in it (the US and Russia). It is suggested that for all his boasting, Jason Derulo does not know what a probable majority of the world’s girls want.
Perhaps Jason Derulo’s intention was never to proclaim to be omnipotent to the interests of the female gender. Perhaps he was instead expressing his humanity, or the limits of his knowledge. I applaud Jason Derulo. Jason Derulo is not just another 2 dimensional character. Jason Derulo has depth.Jason Derulo has limitations and has come to terms with them. Jason Derulo knows Jason Derulo. Thats why he makes it a point to say his name so much.
But again, Greenland is right out