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Step One Question Seven

7. Who do you want or “need” to “figure out”? Why? Will figuring someone out give you power? Will the power last? What is your experience?

*Example”

I want to figure out my boyfriend because I believe understanding him will prevent me from getting hurt. I feel empty because of the way he has been treating me and I don't know if my co-d caused his behavior or if he is just being a jerk. I have so much baggage when it comes to relationships, I spend a lot of time feeling like I am drowning. All I can do right now is focus on myself and pray to keep MY center. This has to be irrelevant of the emotional center of the relationship.

The power from figuring someone out never lasts because people are complicated and constantly changing. It is like a maze with the wall constantly shifting when I spend my time trying to investigate someone's motivations. I find depending on actions as clues to the health of the relationship to be normally the best tactic. This means relaxing, saying the serenity prayer, and letting go. He will love me if he will love me and he will leave me if he will leave me. The only behavior I am responsible for figuring out is my own.

By Maya

#control emotionalpower powerdynamics coda #7.

Step One Question Six

6. Using your list of people who control you from question #5, substitute people you’ve tried to control in the following sentence: “I am powerless over ______.” Write out each one. (“I am powerless over my mother. I am powerless over Joey....”) How do you feel? Angry? Sad? Something else?

*EXAMPLE*

I am powerless over L I am powerless over M I am powerless over D I am powerless over K I am powerless over S I am powerless over G I am powerless over C I am powerless over E I am powerless over J

I feel empty. I think I use the control of others and their control of me as a way to distract myself from the way I feel inside. There is so much fear and loneliness. I would do almost anything to stop myself from feeling this. Control was the way that I was taught to fill the empty darkness. I think that if I control others, then things will go my way and I will be happy. I think that if I let others control me, they will love me and will not leave me. I am so afraid of abandonment and a general lack of control. Abandonment makes the loneliness go from wildly uncomfortable to unbearable. I will do most anything to make it stop, even if it means staying in a relationship that is not good for me.

By M

#coda #codependentsanonymous #codependents #steponecoda #royaloak #stepwork #steponework #stepquestions #12step #12steps #12stepquestions #12stepwork #twelvesteps #twelvestep

Step One Question Five

5. Make a list of people who you let control you. Again, give an example or two next to each one. For example, “Bill – I go anywhere he wants to go and see movies he wants me to see even when I’m not interested in them.”

*EXAMPLE CONTINUED*

L (I let control most everything about me)

M (bought clothes he likes)

D (told me not to work with a music guy I wanted to collaborate with)

K (I changed the song we were writing together although I disagreed)

Bio Dad Steve (etiquette, required a certain way of behaving around him which I complied with)

Grandma R (personality- wanted me to be a certain person around her and I complied)

X-boyfriend C (everything I did was given an opinion which I immediately listened to)

X-boyfriend E (controlled who I was and I let him)

X-boyfriend JV (I altered my demeanor so I would be a better girlfriend for him)

#control controlpatterns beingcontrolled codependency 12steps stepone stepwork steponework

Step One Question Four

4. Write the phrase, “I am powerless over others.” Read it aloud, slowly, ten times. How does that make you feel?

I am powerless over others.

*EXAMPLE*

This phrase sometimes makes me laugh. I am not powerless over others! I am all powerful! I am a behavior analyst for heavens sake. Our credence is that if you don't like a behavior, change it. But I take it one step farther and think, if I don't like a behavior, change THEM. I want to change WHO YOU ARE. And I really think I can do it. If I just stick around long enough, work hard enough, and love you thoroughly enough, you will magically morph in the type of person who will love and care for ME. But this never happens. People virtually never change and when they do, they do it for themselves, and themselves alone. If someone doesn't love me or is behaving in a way I don't like, then I am powerless over this. What a revelation.

#codependency #codependentsanonymous #recovery #stepone #step1 #stepwork #steponework #step1work

Step One Question Three

3. Make a list of 10 people you’ve tried to control. Put a brief example or two next to each one.

*EXAMPLE*

1. My mother - I tried to make her get healthy and be a good mom.

2. My father - I tried to get him to get healthy and stop doing drugs.

3. My step-dad - I try to get him to be less codependent.

4. M - Sometimes I think that I can stop him from ever drinking again.

5. J - I try to get her to break up with her awful boyfriend.

6. K - I tried to get him to pull his life together, get a job and an apartment.

7. M - I tried to get her to respect herself and her artistic creativity by expressing herself and taking care of herself.

8. Dr. D (Therapist) - I want him to feel a certain way about the relationship I am having.

9. A - I wanted her to think we were closer friends so that I would have been more a part of her wedding this summer.

10. J - I want to make sure she is good at her job (I got my friend hired at my company) so that it reflects well on me.

By Maya

#stepone #codependency #codenpendents #codependentsanonymous #coda #steponework #stepwork #stepswork

Step One Question Two

2. How is your life unmanageable?

*EXAMPLE*

My life is unmanageable in so many ways, it feels pointless to write about it. I feel out of control all the time and as though I am constantly grasping for anchorage. But, when I reach out there is nothing there unless I create it. What I need to create is belief-belief in myself and belief in something bigger than MYSELF. Statistically people who believe in something lead happier lives. So, I decided to believe. And, when I reach into that empty expanse inside myself there is something tangible waiting for me: What I call God.

By Maya

#codependency #steptwo #codependentsanonymous #coda

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