poison me daddy

brooke. 25. 📍boston.

[rainbow-femme]

They move in together full time and Ilya notices that Anya acts differently with Shane than she does with him, more quiet and less playful, and he worries that means she doesn’t like Shane or is jealous, so he hires a dog trainer to come over and see if there’s anything they need to do to help

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

Shane comes home to Ilya with his face in his hands going oh god I’m not Anya’s dad I’m her brother and she thinks we’re both your pets. And Shane just goes. What.

[jesse-is-spiralling]

[knownqueerbaiter]

shane and ilya’s ibiza honeymoon hotel room is literally going to look like the scene in twilight breaking dawn part 1 when bella wakes up and the entire bed is just completely destroyed

[knownqueerbaiter]

ilya sleeping in while shane’s on his morning run

[rainbow-femme]

They move in together full time and Ilya notices that Anya acts differently with Shane than she does with him, more quiet and less playful, and he worries that means she doesn’t like Shane or is jealous, so he hires a dog trainer to come over and see if there’s anything they need to do to help

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

Shane comes home to Ilya with his face in his hands going oh god I’m not Anya’s dad I’m her brother and she thinks we’re both your pets. And Shane just goes. What.

[lavenderprose]

To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.

[transthatmasc]

Ilya is playing the New York Times midi cross word and feeling very proud of himself. David Hollander is playing a NYT Sunday crossword at a breakneck pace and is also proud of Ilya. Yuna is reading a contract from Rolex and wondering why they’ve sent it for Shane instead of Ilya. Shane is looking through an updated stats sheet for the whole league that’s accurate through last night’s games.

They’re all having lattes at a cafe in Ottawa and doing parallel play because it was the only time they all had free this week but 8:30 on a Sunday is too early for good conversation.

[sozvezdiyay]

Obsessed with the idea of Shane randomly encountering Bad Bunny at a bar just like he encountered Rose. (Because he has the BEST luck.)

But he doesn't know who Bad Bunny is, and Bad Bunny doesn't know who Shane is... So they're both just making small talk with this hot guy they met at the bar while they wait for their drinks. They're enjoying talking to someone who doesn't know their celebrity status. And Shane is getting a little flustered despite being married, because damn if this guy isn't his type, and Bad Bunny is lowkey flirting with him.

And then Ilya shows up and has a heart attack. Alternating between fanboying over Bad Bunny and wanting to fight him. Just standing there frozen with this bonkers expression on his face.

And Shane is completely oblivious. "Hey, you're back! I ordered you a beer. Oh, and this is Benito. Benito, this is my husband Ilya........... Baby, are you okay? Why do you look like that?"

[thirdwheelravi]

California governor primary is really out of hand

[lexicanons]

Ilya’s doctor warns him that antidepressants often decrease sex drive but after eight weeks of taking the meds, the opposite has happened. His sex drive has dramatically increased. He’s horny all the time, and he’s constantly thinking about fucking Shane. It’s pretty much the only thing he thinks about. It’s the off-season, and they’re at the cottage, so he has mostly uninterrupted access to Shane and can fuck him around the clock, but he knows he can’t go on like this. They were having dinner with Yuna and David the other night and he almost bent Shane over the dining room table while his in-laws where in the kitchen. Ilya was horrified when he got hard from Shane placing a piece of garlic bread on his plate, and had to lie about being too full to move from the table so he had time to will his erection away before his in-laws saw it. He has to figure this out before the season starts or he might bend Shane over and fuck him in front of everyone in the locker room. He goes back to the doctor and tells them his symptoms, and they switch him to another medicine. Ilya tells Shane about the medication switch and he swears he sees a brief flash of disappointment on Shane’s face.

[lavenderprose]

Ilya finds an odd picture of Shane in a photo album at one point. He's maybe three, he's sitting on the massive purple sofa that Ilya has discovered the Hollanders owned when Shane was born. He's frowning, red-cheeked and he's got a strange plastic case on his thumb.

"Yuna," he says, shifting his elbows on the table to point at it. "What is this on his hand? Was broken?"

Shane's head snaps up from across the table, where he's pretending that Photo Album Time is very boring to him and not worth paying attention to. He hasn't scrolled on the article he's pretending to read for over five minutes.

"I never broke a bone as a kid," he says, brows furrowed. "Not until U13, when that fucking kid from Guelph--"

Yuna and Shane both inhale quickly through their noses in what Ilya has learned to recognize as a moderative measure, lest they start yelling about something that everyone else on Earth has forgotten about.

"No," Yuna says, once her face looks a little less intense. "No, it wasn't broken. It was this...contraption that the dentist gave us to correct his thumb-sucking. He was so mad about it, we only put it on him a few times."

"Oh, Jesus," Shane mutters, eyes going back to his phone.

"Aw," Ilya says. "Poor baby Shane." He taps his finger against one little red cheek and laughs. "You really do look so mad, sweetheart. How did you make him stop?"

"Hmm...you know, I don't remember," Yuna sighs, tilting her head. "I guess he just stopped by himself eventually. Do you remember, Shane?"

"No," Shane says, shortly.

"Of course, that didn't get rid of the oral fixation," Yuna sighs, adjusting her reading glasses as she flips the page. "The things you used to chew on, Shane. Pens and straws and--"

"Mom," Shane snaps, while Ilya vibrates beside him. "Can we not?"

"I was afraid to give him popsicles because I thought he would gnaw on the sticks until he got a splinter in his stomach."

"Mom!"

"Well, honey, it's true! And you did outgrow it eventually, so it's not as if you have to be embarrassed."

"Oh, you did?" Ilya says, shoulders shaking. "You outgrew the, uh, oral fixation?"

"Stop," Shane hisses.

"Mm. Excuse me." Ilya stands from the table and sweeps out onto the back porch, though the sliding door does nothing to prevent the sound of his guffaws from floating back into the kitchen.

"You know," Yuna says, "I'm just going to assume that this is some kind of language barrier thing--"

"Please stop."

[stabthroughme]

I need an AU where Shane and Ilya end up training together one summer, before Irina's dead, and Ilya comes over with a Russian group of players.

It would be normal for Ilya to stick with the Russian players, to keep speaking Russian and only train against the other players.

Except Ilya loves playing against Shane, and Shane's obviously been cast out to the fringes by the English and French speaking players. So Ilya pulls Shane to the Russian group.

Right to the centre of it, bc Ilya's got the same charming pull to him even as a child.

And when the other Russian players say that Shane's too weird to keep hanging out with them Ilya says "fine" and leaves with Shane.

And Yuna who's heard so often from her son's teachers that he's always been on the fringes, who's heard from Shane that he "doesn't really have any friends at school", who knows his hockey teammates still think he's weird but at least he's good and funny, gets to witness her son get chosen by someone who was pushed to choose. Even if Ilya's struggling to communicate with her and with Shane, he doesn't go back to his Russian friends.

He doesn't go the "easy" route.

I just think Ilya choosing Shane when all the other kids around them can sense the different-ness of Shane's autistic ways would be so good.

Especially when paired with them being penpals but the letters stop for a couple months and Yuna has to prepare herself to talk to Shane about how Ilya's left him too.

Shane who finds a hockey training thing in Russia for the summer, applies and is ofc accepted, and when he shows up with Yuna in tow ofc Ilya is there and he looks so so so sad.

And then Shane calls his name and Ilya looks at him with disbelief. And Shane asks if he's okay and Ilya, who's never actually lied to Shane before, tells him that Irina's dead.

Yuna watching her son hold his best friend together and telling Ilya that she's gonna look out for him now.

[tayasui-mono]

Boston Raiders watching the Tampa All-Star game highlights after Ilya kisses Shane all giddy, thinking, who the fuck is that guy? Because that jolly guy on the screen? Expression so different he doesn't even resemble their captain? He'd been a complete psycho lunatic the past couple months. Unbearable. And now he's giggling at Shane Hollander???

[sluthollander]

no bc I'm imagining the raiders "no cap" group chat (only recently made in the no good times) going crazy during the game like:

holy shit cap doesn't look like he wants to off himself!! are we finally free???

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

dude are WE the problem?

don't say that 🥲

but man hollander and cap are on 🔥🔥🔥🔥

can't believe they got cap playing wing! should've been hollander 😤

damn clean goal 🔥

wtf

did he just

ok guess happy roz is officially back

LETS GOOOO

dude I can't believe hollander got a kiss!! when's the last time any of us got one 😭

yeah like that should be reserved for raiders only

lol we need to get a welcome home cheater banner for the locker room 😂

didn't think he was that close with hollander?

lol maybe he's just trying to piss him off

nah that's genuinely happy roz

yeah and hollander doesn't look mad

whatever i for one am grateful THANK YOU JANE HOLLANDER FOR SAVING US FROM DEMON ROZ 🙏🙏🙏

*shane

wait

Oh

Shit

Fuck

...no way

anyways that's how the raiders figure it out™

[perlukafarinn]

List of Shane Hollander's crushes:

Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid.

Patrick Swayze, specifically in Dirty Dancing because his mom would watch that movie whenever it came on and nine year old Shane would join her, watching with an innocent but fixed fascination he usually only ever showed for hockey related things.

Li Shang in Mulan.

An 8th grade classmate who occasionally told the other boys to knock it off when they made jokes at Shane's expense. He had that 90s popular boy curtain bangs haircut and Shane would sometimes fantasize about brushing the hair away from his face.

The boy who was the Captain of his U15 team the year he joined. Confused it for hero worship. He had a habit of ruffling Shane's hair and of teasing him in a way that sometimes crossed the line from affectionate to mean. Both gave Shane butterflies.

Scott Hunter, also confused for hero worship.

A 12th grade classmate who was on the basketball team and who always stood just a little bit too close whenever he talked to Shane, forcing Shane to crane his neck to look up at him.

Ilya Rozanov, unfortunately.

Carter Vaughn. He's cute, he's friendly, and he throws his arm around Shane's shoulders whenever they meet.

Ilya Rozanov, still.

A photographer who takes Shane's pictures for one of his many brand deals and is a little more hands-on than most, without touching Shane in any way that could be construed as inappropriate. Tells Shane "good job, kid, you're a natural" once the shoot is over, his voice warm and deep.

His boyfriend, Ilya Rozanov.

J.J. Boiziau, after J.J. takes him out to a gay club post Shane coming out and forces him onto the dancefloor with him. This crush is swiftly snuffed out the next week when J.J. tosses his socks at him in the locker room and the smell nearly knocks Shane out cold.

His husband, Ilya Rozanov ❤️

[ottawa--centaurs]

shane and ilya twitter cancellations spreadsheet update (thank you for your ideas!)

[sooperlative]

Absolutely fascinated by Ryan Guzman’s (correct) belief that Eddie is entirely unaware of the romantic undertones that are peppered through his relationship with Buck. Or he’s not exactly unaware, but all those pieces of pepper are individual details and he can’t see the bigger picture, like putting a puzzle together while only looking at the pieces but not at what he’s got so far. He’s too naive to put things together. He’s never once considered it. If Buck were to confess to him, he’d be genuinely shocked. And Buck won’t, of course, confess, because if Buck is in love with Eddie, that’d break all the rules he’s set for this relationship. So Buck is ignoring the elephant in the room and Eddie is so zoomed in on specific parts of the elephant that he doesn’t even know it’s an elephant. He thinks that microscopic view of maybe-skin-or-an-iris is normal best friendship. Buck is “I’m not in love with Eddie obviously but if i was i wouldn’t be able to care about that rn bc I have a job and it would ruin the friendship rules I mentally gave us if he knew”. Eddie is “I want Buck to be with me all the time and I often think of him as my husband in my head and I want him to touch me and stay with me and I’ll do anything he asks of me and I worry about him a lot and whenever I think of growing old Buck is right next to me every step of the way also growing old. We’re such platonic best friends :)”. And that creates their wonderful dynamic where Buck dances around it all and Eddie is taking his hand and dancing with him because yay, they’re dancing. He loves dancing with Buck. Buck’s such a bad dancer. Ha ha.

[perlukafarinn]

Canon divergent AU where Shane is a little more paranoid and when Hayden first comments on "Boston Lily", he decides he has to do something to break up the pattern and make it not so noticeable that he's got someone on Boston.

Not seeing Rozanov is not an option, so instead Shane picks out a few other cities to regularly go out by himself in. He'll go for a long walk, maybe sit down somewhere for a drink, and then catch a taxi back to the hotel an appropriate amount of time later. It's honestly pretty nice, unwinding by himself in this way, and now disappearing after games is not a thing specific to Boston! It's just another strange Hollander quirk!

Unfortunately, he fails to account for the guys on the team jumping on the most obvious explanation for all these disappearances, which is that Shane now has a girl in every port.

Word about this starts to spread quick, because it is so out of character for Shane, and pretty soon half the league is under the impression that he's some secret playboy.

Ilya is extremely not chill about this rumor.

[ticklefighthockey]

I still think it’s so funny that shane was assigned gay by rose landry and his reaction was WHEW! thank god someone else decided that for me. anyway I’m off to get my man I can sense that he’s making bad decisions in a club somewhere

[gaynehollander]

Fully obsessed with the idea the Shane thinks this is just what Casual Sex™ is is like. Ilya's the king of casual sex so this must be what it's supposed to be like. Yes, he's kissing tear tracks away from Shane's cheeks while telling him how beautifully he takes it. Yes, he's waxing poetic about Shane's mouth being made for him, carved out by the gods just as a place for Ilya's cock to call home. Yes, he's stroking Shane's hair and kissing his face for an indeterminable amount of time in those instances where he makes Shane's brain go so fuzzy that it feels like he entirely vacates his body and, yes, he's stroking Shane's back and telling him how well he did until it feels like his feet are finally back on solid ground. That's Normal.