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@commanderbabyboy
you're goddamn fucking right, tumblr
oh my god i submit a new bit to the shallergies council: ilya ends up doing a lot of footwork in asking about allergens as an act of service because shane has literally had to do this his whole life. so like. take a break. let me grab this one.
to the end result that it's not uncommon for shane to be like, "wait, can i eat this?" about things during team bbqs or something because he was over having fun with a ginger ale and ilya got the rundown because he wanted to know anyway.
but this also then evolves to a game of shane pointing to things that are OBVIOUSLY not safe and asking "can i eat this?" and ilya going "no. bad." purely as a bit. (like bowls of peanuts/cake with slivered almonds on it). and it's just a way of making an important part of their life also feel less heavy. like when it comes time to actually eat, the question is genuine and important, but if they're mingling and just passing by, it's just a funny inside joke.
and it's one ilya reciprocates, too. he has no allergies, but he still points at things and is like, "can i have this?" and shane just "nope. not allowed. forbidden.". and it's a joke.
to THEM.
for everyone on the outside of this dynamic who just overhears them, they're??? what the FUCK is y'all's dynamic?? how are you both equally wildly controlling of each other?? how does that even WORK??
oh MAN ilya does it with a receipt one day and shane is VERY OBVIOUSLY JOKING when he goes, "hell yeah. good for you. fiber, probably." and ilya locks eyes and opens his mouth, and now shane is in this parking lot trying to wrestle this receipt away from him the same way he does shoelaces from anya because he canNOT be sure that ilya won't fully commit to the bit and eat this receipt right here right now.
i present to you: a hollanov AU where shane has dermatographia
Shane shakes out his toiletry bag on his bed at the cottage. He packed it very quickly at home, eager to get to the airport to pick up Ilya, and it seems he’s forgotten some things; namely, his allergy medication.
Shane’s been taking anti-histamines daily, ever since he was nine and his mom was helping him pull off his hockey gear, only to find her son covered in red marks. After a trip to his family doctor and then an allergist, Shane got his diagnosis: Dermatographia.
It sounded big and scary at the time, but it’s essentially being allergic to touch. When anything touches his skin, it produces an angry, raised red line and makes him feel itchy, which causes Shane to scratch and create more welts, or wheals, on his skin. It’s entirely benign and all he has to do is take this allergy medication every day to keep his symptoms at bay.
But today, he’s left his meds at home. Not a big deal; the next time they drive into town for a grocery run, he’ll just grab a bottle of over the counter medication to tide him over. It’s not like he’ll be irritated by his hockey gear or sweating a lot, both things that trigger it normally.
The next day, Shane and Ilya are in bed, making up for lost time with some gratuitous morning sex. Shane is on his knees on the bed, Ilya taking him from behind with a firm hand on his back, pressing him into the mattress below.
i'm SO sorry because i do not remember what post it was on, but someone had a reblog on a shallergies post talking about the double whammy of autism (so potential texture issues) and food allergies (further limited options)
and i am cracking up just imagining yuna and david with bb shane at their wit's end because what do you MEAN their baby child won't touch a grape for love or money but won't stay AWAY from the goddamn mango
where does he even get it??? atp yuna is very seriously considering making him a little t-shirt that says, "do not give me mango no matter how cute i am when i ask" for family events
laughing about the idea of shane in shallergies verse at an event having a reaction but not wanting to make a scene, so he uses his epipen, dabs his sweaty face as best he can with napkins, and then manages to go back and find ilya in the crowd and is just "heeeyyyyy" *literally holding onto ilya's arm bruisingly tight to stay upright* "hospital :)"
the thing about phone in bed is that it's so awesome. almost makes you feel like betraying & destroying yourself for nothing isn't all so bad
troy, homophobically, after watching a joint interview of shane and ilya: they’re probably fucking
troy, homosexually, after ilya comes out to him: they’re probably fucking
Ilya on Twitter, so proud, after Shane scores a hat-trick: Did you all see my husband? 😍😍😍
Certified husband guy Ilya Rozanov after someone calls him a cocksucker on the ice: Have you seen my husband? Yes, I suck his cock. So sad for you that you will never get to.
Ilya Rozanov, showing up late to a gala after his husband, Shane Hollander, was away for some commercial shoot and he didn't get to see him before the event, looking genuinely frantic: Have you seen my husband anywhere??
Ilya out for lunch with Shane, when the bill comes along: Oh, my rich hockey player husband will take care of that.
Ilya Rozanov, drunk out of his mind at his husband-mandated night out with Cliff (because he needs the enrichment), not so gently turning down some woman who's blatantly flirting with him: Do you even know who my husband is???
Ilya "Down Atrocious" Hollander-Rozanov when one of Shane's commercials plays at Monk's after a game: Everyone shut up! My husband is on TV!
Drunk Shane can be a bit of a menace. A drink or two is fine, but eventually he'll hit a point where you turn around and he's gone, literally gone because he's going places and he'll happily come trotting back when Ilya calls him, but that's only helpful if he's in earshot, which... can be a challenge.
Drunk Shane when Ilya is ALSO drunk is the BEST. His boyfriend is sooooo funny and soooo fast and strong and smart and brave and they're going on an adventure!!! Ilya doesn't know where but his legs are wrapped around Shane's waist and Shane's arms are wrapped around his legs and the back of Shane's neck smells so good and they're GOING!!!! They're going and going and going because Shane can run forever he's the best hockey player in the whole world and he's Ilya's BOYFRIEND and they're gonna live forever and the stars are out and his mama is watching them and Ilya doesn't even know he's smiling until his cheeks start hurting from it.
(inspired by this post from @pregnanthudsonwilliams) (I've never seen Twilight I'm just having fun)
Marley decided to watch the Twilight series with Roz during Landrygate because he thought it would be fun for them to get high and make fun of the films to distract Roz from whatever was going on with him. Boy, was he not prepared for the way Ilya started sobbing when Edward left Bella in New Moon.
silly hollanov :3
When i think about shane relaxed and pleased i get so nauseous + lightheaded
this not even being after he gets fucked its just post whatever they did and ilya being like Okay Give Me Your Phone
like. shut UP im gonna fucking EAT YOU
SOOOOOOO Important @oiimoi
@mybloodstream-caffeine’s tags on my “Ilya remembers all of Shane’s scents” post has me imagining 18 year old Ilya going out & buying the same deodorant Shane was using at the time. He never wears it himself but sometimes when he needs a little extra Push while he’s jacking off he’ll pull out that tube & imagine sweet virginal Shane Hollander on his knees & so eager to please another man. & it works for him every single time.
If we're talking tags then op these deserve to be immortalised:
ITS SOOOO INTIMATE AND HOT AND LIKE EMBARRASSING IN A DOWN BAD WAY BUT THATS KIND OF WHAT MAKES IT SEXY?? ITS THE ILLICITNESS OF WANTING SOMEONE THAT VISCERALLY 😵💫😵💫🔥🔥
Fave scenes from Cottage episode + sketches
Shane 90% of the time big spoon, they finish fucking nasty, they clean up and then Shane janks his man into his arms, holds on stupidly tight and falls asleep with Ilya still there like fuck fuck fuck I'm so wanted here fuck
More HR as textposts:
at the 2010 prospect cup when grigori is telling ilya that he has to beat him, he has to win over hollander, and then you're able to recontextualize their first meeting a year earlier as ilya seeing someone who was only an enemy & realizing he's a boy, the same as him, and winning which had previously been a duty becomes something fun