i am so very very tired.Ā
I have about... six or seven weeks left of school? Honestly, Iām no longer counting down the days, because that makes me feel anxious after spring break. I feel like I have so much left to do, and like time is ticking. Some days it feels like I have time, other days it doesnāt. It moves slow and fast all at once and I donāt really understand it.Ā
This semester has been weird. Iāve been in a very strange headspace this entire time, because I just want so badly to be done. Iām hyper-focused on school now and on the passage of time in a way I never have been before, because Iām so ready to graduate and move on with my life. Iāve been carefully tracking every single passing day, counting them and now not counting them, thinking about graduation and yet not thinking about it, vacillating between confidence in myself and weird awful anxiety that I will somehow fuck this all up at the end, here, and not graduate on time and then have to spend more time trying to get out of here.Ā
I think, my entire college career, Iāve built up a lot of resentment, and Iāve spent every year and every semester pushing it down and working anyway, because I knew it was all for something good in the end, that I would just have to put up with it to get the degree and then Iād go from there. And I think, now that Iām so close to being done, now that I donāt have to push that resentment down again to prepare for the next semester - because, god willing, there wonāt be one, not if I keep working the way I have been - itās all coming out in waves. Resentment... resentment over a lot of things. I resent that I feel like Iāve had to put my life on hold for a demanding and draining schedule that often isnāt rewarding, and had to do so for years. I resent that I feel so isolated and lonely in my experiences, that Iām the only person I know that has had to work full time and go to school full time and balance a lot more than most people my age. I resent that I feel so familiar saying that previous sentence, I feel like I use it as an excuse, and then I get angry at myself for feeling that way, because it DOES make things difficult, itās not an excuse, and yet it feels like one anyway, it spirals and spirals and keeps going. Resentment because I wanted my film program to be much more hands on and to actually focus on making multiple films instead of being so theory-based and doing weekly exercises that I didnāt feel like I learned or grew from or that helped in any meaningful way. I feel like Iāve only had a few classes that gave me actual concrete knowledge and experience and in a four year program, saying that only about 4 classes really prepared me for the industry is atrocious. I donāt feel like I wasted my time and I know college was a net positive for me but itās hard to not see all the things I couldnāt do or the times I couldnāt hang out or how drained and lonely and overworked I have felt for a really long time, and how Iāve just kind of... kept going because I feel like nobody sympathizes, or if they do itās a half-kind of sympathy, and it doesnāt matter much anyway because itās not like anyone can really help the situation as a whole. I feel like college is not designed for me, or for other non-traditional students. Even though Iām college aged, I feel like Iāve had to take on a lot and itās hard to not feel upset about that.Ā
It manifests itself in the weirdest ways. Small comments from other people - oh, you canāt afford to go to this fun thing? But I thought you worked all the time! Comments that tell me that these people have never had to pay their own expenses or budget their own money in their lives, people who I know work their part time jobs only for the spending money. My friends making plans and not understanding that I canāt just take off work with a few days notice and itās rare to get a shift covered in that timespan as well. Professors huffing and sighing at me when Iāve told them that I was working, Iām sorry I wasnāt super fucking creative on this project, I was more concerned with getting something turned in than in stretching my creative muscles around three other class projects and a full weekend of being at work with no time to actually make anything halfway decent. The weird imposter syndrome and guilt and sadness and resentment that Iāve felt for having to half-ass certain projects that I would have loved to spend time on because it was either that or my money and sanity.Ā
Iām just stream of consciousness rambling at this point, I know that things will be okay, I know that Iām in good academic standing and Iām so close to being done and Iām committed to buckling down and finishing strong but itās just so fucking hard to navigate the weird minefield and mood Iāve been in since this semester started.Ā
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