Confessions of a Sexologist

A student of the world, learning about sexology, trying to get the Good Word out there.

[besexpositive]

Virginity is a social construct

by Nadia

There’s lots of messages you hear about virginity growing up. “It’s a special gift to save for your one true love”. “It’s embarrassing and you need to lose it asap”. “No one wants to sleep with a virgin because they’re clingy”. Virginity or lack thereof is used to judge a person’s worth, especially women’s ‘purity’. I certainly felt the double edged sword of prude vs slut when I was younger.

Historically it’s was an idea created because we lived in a very patriarchal society where men owned everything including women. When a father gave his daughter to her husband he wanted to get the best deal. Before birth control and DNA paternity tests virginity was a way to prove paternity and increase a woman’s value. There’s a lot of this still represented in modern weddings with white dresses for purity and fathers walking their daughters down the aisle and giving the daughter away but the patriarchal institute of marriage is a rant for another time.

Ideas around virginity are sexist. Male virginity historically doesn’t seem to be such a big deal. There was no physical value put on about it in the same way as women. Nowadays men may be judged higher if they’re not a virgin putting pressure on men to start having sex early. It’s often a prize for men to take a woman’s ‘flower’ and potentially shameful for a woman to be ‘plucked’.

Virginity is a very heteronormative cis idea. It’s often classed as penis in vagina penetration. For many people that is not the type of sex they have. What sex is can be a somewhat personal decision. Sexual activity can include oral and anal and using fingers. I’d personally class it as stimulating each other’s genitals for the purpose of pleasure. Only classing penis in vagina penetration as sex dismisses the sexual experiences of the LGBTIQ communities and other people who choose not to have that type of sex.

Virginity is not a physical thing. For men it is not detectable if you’ve ever had sex and looking at the hymen as a test virginity in women is dodgy at best. The hymen is a thin elastic membrane that partially covers the external vaginal opening. This can be different sizes naturally and can be torn from activities before you ever have sex such as tampon use and exercise. When you have sex you stretch the hymen, no need to break. So the idea of breaking the hymen or ‘popping your cherry’ the first time you have sex is not so true.

The first time you have sex doesn’t need to be painful. I thought I was so wise and clued up thinking vaginal penetration was painful for women at first. It really doesn’t need to be. Pain is usually from the vaginal muscles being too tense. If you are inexperienced, too rough or too rushed, then it may be painful and cause the hymen to tear and bleed (hence giving the pain and hymen myths). If you take your time, do plenty of foreplay and use lube then it can be a much more enjoyable experience for those involved.

Having sex isn’t a life altering event. There is no great psychological change that comes from having sex for the first time. With all the social pressure to have or not have sex it can feel very important. Just remember it doesn’t change who you are.

Having sex for the first time can be an important milestone but it doesn’t define your value. You don’t lose anything when you ‘lose your virginity’. So if you’re two consenting adults wanting to engage in sexual activity then go for it. If you’re not ready and want to wait to later to start engaging in sexual activity, then don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to.

[confessionsofasexologist]

All of this...

[dismantlethefeminism]

I do not understand this “male privilege" bullshit.

What. Fucking. Privileges. Do. Men. Have.???????

Name them. I swear, I challenge you to name these “male privileges" and be able to prove them. 

Come on, I fucking dare you. 

Name them!

[genderfag-remade-deactivated201]

Oh boy. Well, as a man, I’ll tell you my male privilege.

My odds of being hired for a job, when competing against female applicants, are probably skewed in my favor. The more prestigious the job, the larger the odds are skewed.

I can be confident in the fact that my co-workers won’t think that I was hired/promoted because of my sex - despite the fact that it’s probably true.

If I ever am promoted when a woman of my peers is better suited for the job, it is because of my sex.

If i ever fail at my job or career, it won’t be seen as a blacklist against my sex’s capabilities.

I am far less likely to face sexual harassment than my female peers.

If I do the same task as a woman, and if the measurement is at all subjective, chances are people will think I did a better job.

If I am a teen or an adult, and I stay out of prison, my odds of getting raped are relatively low.

On average, I’m taught that walking alone after dark by myself is less than dangerous than it is for my female peers.

If I choose not to have children, my masculinity will not be questioned.

If I do have children but I do not provide primary care for them, my masculinity will not be questioned.

If I have children and I do care for them, I’ll be praised even if my care is only marginally competent.

If I have children and a career, no one will think I’m selfish for not staying at home.

If I seek political office, my relationship with my children or who I deem to take care of them will more often not be scrutinized by the press.

My elected representatives are mostly people of my own sex. The more prestigious the position, the more this is true.

When i seek out “the person in charge", it is likely that they will be someone of my own sex. The higher the position, the more often this is true.

As a child, chances are I am encouraged to be more active and outgoing than my sisters.

As a child, I could choose from an almost infinite variety of children’s media featuring positive, active, non-stereotyped heroes of my own sex. I never had to look for it; male protagonists were (and are) the default.

As a child, chances are I got more teacher attention than girls who raised their hands just as often.

If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether or not it has sexist overtones. (Nobody’s going to ask if I’m upset because I’m menstruating.)

I can turn on the television or glance at the front page of the newspaper and see people of my own sex widely represented.

If I’m careless with my financial affairs it won’t be attributed to my sex.

If I’m careless with my driving it won’t be attributed to my sex.

I can speak in public to a large group without putting my sex on trial.

Even if I sleep with a lot of women, there is little to no chance that I will be seriously labeled a “slut,” nor is there any male counterpart to “slut-bashing.”

I do not have to worry about the message my wardrobe sends about my sexual availability.

My clothing is typically less expensive and better-constructed than women’s clothing for the same social status. While I have fewer options, my clothes will probably fit better than a woman’s without tailoring.

The grooming regimen expected of me is relatively cheap and consumes little time.

If I buy a new car, chances are I’ll be offered a better price than a woman buying the same car. The same goes for other expensive merchandise.

If I’m not conventionally attractive, the disadvantages are relatively small and easy to ignore.

I can be loud with no fear of being called a shrew. I can be aggressive with no fear of being called a bitch.

I can ask for legal protection from violence that happens mostly to men without being seen as a selfish special interest, since that kind of violence is called “crime” and is a general social concern. (Violence that happens mostly to women is usually called “domestic violence” or “acquaintance rape,” and is seen as a special interest issue.)

I can be confident that the ordinary language of day-to-day existence will always include my sex. “All men are created equal,” mailman, chairman, freshman, he.

My ability to make important decisions and my capability in general will never be questioned depending on what time of the month it is.

I will never be expected to change my name upon marriage or questioned if I don’t change my name.

The decision to hire me will not be based on assumptions about whether or not I might choose to have a family sometime soon.

Every major religion in the world is led primarily by people of my own sex. Even God, in most major religions, is pictured as male.

Most major religions argue that I should be the head of my household, while my wife and children should be subservient to me.

If I have a wife or live-in girlfriend, chances are we’ll divide up household chores so that she does most of the labor, and in particular the most repetitive and unrewarding tasks.

If I have children with my girlfriend or wife, I can expect her to do most of the basic childcare such as changing diapers and feeding.

If I have children with my wife or girlfriend, and it turns out that one of us needs to make career sacrifices to raise the kids, chances are we’ll both assume the career sacrificed should be hers.

Assuming I am heterosexual, magazines, billboards, television, movies, pornography, and virtually all of media is filled with images of scantily-clad women intended to appeal to me sexually. Such images of men exist, but are rarer.

In general, I am under much less pressure to be thin than my female counterparts are. If I am over-weight, I probably suffer fewer social and economic consequences for being fat than over-weight women do.

 If I am heterosexual, it’s incredibly unlikely that I’ll ever be beaten up by a spouse or lover.

Complete strangers generally do not walk up to me on the street and tell me to “smile.”

Sexual harassment on the street virtually never happens to me. I do not need to plot my movements through public space in order to avoid being sexually harassed, or to mitigate sexual harassment.

On average, I am not interrupted by women as often as women are interrupted by men.

On average, I will have the privilege of not knowing about my male privilege.

And lastly, I am taken as a more credible feminist than my female peers, despite the fact that the feminist movement is not liberating to my sex.

This is male privilege.

[apocalyptic-tea]

THIS. THIS IS HOW YOU BE A MALE FEMINIST. 

[confessionsofasexologist]

The Breakup

To keep in line with the "breakup" theme, an apt theme with Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I'd write about the frustrations of different kinds of breakups.  No real rhyme or reason, but these were just a few kinds of breakups that we all may be familiar with, see if you can relate:

Ghosting: Someone is interested in you, you text, you may even have gone out once or twice, then they just drop off the face of the earth.  If someone does this in the early phases of a relationship, you may assume they are kind of lazy (or thoughtless).  After you establish somewhat of a "thing," this sort of breakup is cowardly and pretty awful. Because you refuse to believe that people are capable of this, you might assume they are critically ill or dead, then you obsess for months about what happened to that person. It's just not the grown-up way to handle things. Who would do that? If you are in a serious relationship and this happens to you, you may spend years wondering WTF? This can be so disenfranchising and really confusing, somewhat like being left out in the middle of nowhere with no ride home. Even if you catch the bus and make it back, you still wonder if that person is coming back? Did they come back and you missed them? What happened to them, are they OK? Why would they do that? Etc. It is SO frustrating.

The Slow Fade: You had a great date, maybe a few, then suddenly they start doing things to make you wonder.  They miss a text, they don't respond to an email, they cancel a date without rescheduling.  You know something is up, and you suspect there's nothing you can do about it. You try to confront the person, and it may make it worse. You ignore it, and the fading continues. You try to pick up the slack, and it's met with resistance. It's a no-win situation. It's like knowing you're going to get in a car crash in slow motion.  It's slow, but you still can't stop it. (Imagine slow motion voice here) "Oooooohhh crrraaaaap...."

The Text/Phone Breakup:  This one isn't really a type of breakup, more of a medium, but I think it's worth commenting on. Although I think it takes more bravery to meet someone in person, and it certainly is more respectful, some relationships are based almost exclusively around texting and phoning.  I guess if you're the type of couple who communicate more via virtual media, then this could be an acceptable way to communicate that you're out.  However, if you spend time together, have conversations face to face, or generally want to be considered a mature grown-up, you should probably just make a date.  There are reasons that you may not be able to, so this one is on a case-by-case basis.  Just let it be known, you are at risk of being judged if you go this way, regardless of what your reasons for the virtual breakup are. If you are the recipient of this breakup, it's really hard to direct your anger because how can you really be mad at your phone, it's just the messenger. Try not to break the screen when you throw it on the ground, the phone really didn't do anything to you.

The Surprise Breakup:  You totally didn't see it coming. You thought things were going great, you were meeting them for what you thought was a quick middle-of-the-week hello at "your coffee spot," and WHAM. You did NOT see that coming. It is especially frustrating because you thought things were going well, so this came out of nowhere. You should feel fortunate that this person had the fortitude to meet you in public, not all breaker-uppers are so courteous.  Even though the breakup is unexpected and sucky, you may both be able to be adults about it.  Unless this breakup comes with some good answers, you will probably be left asking questions for a while.  You just did not see that coming.

The Breakup That Doesn't End: I think most people have a relationship that they just keep going back to.  The first breakup is awful, there are a lot of tears, heartbreak, pain, but then a few weeks or months later, that person is back in your life.  Then it starts to lose its novelty, things go sour, you breakup again, cursing yourself for not knowing better.  Then a few months later you've forgotten why you broke up the first two times, and they're back. This could be a relatively quick process, or it could drag out for years with several other partners in between.  "Whyyyyy?" you may say, depending on how angry you are with yourself for continuing to go back.  My best advice?  If this is the breakup you find yourself in, try to learn from your past.  If you need to keep dating that person because your happiness depends on it, maybe figure out why it keeps turning out poorly and fix it.  Or when you're ready to move on, remember all those times it went sour and try not to let that happen in your new relationship.  At any rate, hopefully you are much better at picking up warning signs this time around.

The Mutual Breakup: You're both relieved to hear the other one say that it's over.  Or you both hate each other so much that you are just fine to hear the other one say it.  Either way, you're on the same page.  It's best not to get petty at this point and just take this as a blessing in disguise. Sometimes people get angry that they weren't the one to break up with the other person first, but that's unnecessary.  You both wanted the same thing.  Maybe celebrate that this was the only thing you could agree on, and move on.  You can be angry or not, but drama is not required.

The We-Don't-Want-To-Break-Up breakup:  Circumstances really just aren't on your side, and it's time to move on.  It can be super painful because you feel like the relationship has more life in it, but you have to let it go.  This one might be a good time to experiment with the concept of a "positive" breakup, maybe there's a friendship in it for you.  Maybe there's more to be done, down the line.  Or maybe you just remember that person fondly and look for their best qualities in others when you are trying to find a new mate.  This one can be bittersweet, but bitter nonetheless.

Any of these ring true for you?  Breakups suck. Sometimes they are obvious, other times you don't even know they happened. Sometimes they suck.  And occasionally they can be OK. I'm not suggesting that you be stoked about all breakups, but don't hate on yourself because there are tons of fools out there who don't know what they're doing. Have a good cry, eat some comfort food, get a hug from your best hugger-friend, and burn some photos in effigy to move on.  Just kidding about that last one. I realize this doesn't cover the depth of heartache and all the traumatic stuff that comes with some breakups, but it was fun to think about some of the ways people can separate (and some of the ways that people TOTALLY SUCK) sometimes.

Happy Valentine's Day (soonish).  Be kind to each other. :)

[confessionsofasexologist]

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know...

FYI, I love that song.  It's super catchy, fun to sing, and it highlights a kind of emotional dilemma that is spot on.  Most people will have a breakup at some point in their lives, and some will be better than others.  Yes, good breakups CAN happen, but I think that's a post for another day.  At any rate, there are all kinds of breakups for all kinds of reasons, but a lot of times in the end you are someone you used to have an intimate relationship with becomes a relative stranger.  And it is really difficult, scary, painful, or pick your own adjective, knowing that your ex has all that intimate knowledge of you and they are no longer a safe person for you.  If we develop a deep relationship with someone, we become vulnerable, and it is terrifying to think of what someone can do with that vulnerability.

Sometimes that person just holds your vulnerability in a safe space, packs it in a box, and moves on, like you may be trying to do.  Other times the result is not so peaceful and your metaphorical nudity (or literal, if things went in that direction) may be on blast amongst their friends or, in the worst case, the world, if they have a strong media presence.  It's terrifying to think about this outcome while you are becoming close with someone.  What if they don't like this or that about you?  What if they find out this embarrassing thing and then tell other people?  What if they are just kind of an asshole and don't hold this space sacred or make fun of you, or whatever?  Vulnerability is hard, and not just the kind you feel with romantic partners.

What I think is a really disenfranchising kind of grief is when a friend breaks up with you.  Sometimes this is an even more emotionally jarring experience than when you lose a lover.  You may trust your friends more than your partners, and that might make you more exposed.  You may just feel closer to your friends because they are around longer.  Or it may be just as instant and chemical of an attachment as if they were a lover.  Friendships can be as intimate and as strong as relationships.  And what happens when those are over? It can also be just as disturbing as losing a lover, but sometimes it's hard to convince other people of the pain you are in.  That is frustrating because your feelings become invalidated.  And if this happens to you, know that you are not wrong for hurting.  It hurts.  The struggle is real.

Part of being human and experiencing life IS having relationships. That vulnerability makes us feel closer to others, and for most people it makes us feel more alive. Love does not have to be sexual or even romantic, and neither do breakups.  If you are hurting because a partner, romantic or friendship, has left you, know that you have every right to feel hurt.  You shouldn't think your feelings don't count because of the circumstances, whether it was a good or a bad breakup, whether they were a friend or a lover.  These things are all part of human connection and disconnection, and they can all hurt just as badly.

I don't have any amazing advice for surviving a breakup that anyone else probably doesn't have, but let me put my thoughts out there anyway.

You deserve to be loved.  If it was not by this person, then you deserve to be loved by someone else.  In fact, you probably have more people that love you than you realize.  Go find them and ask them for comfort and support.

You need to take care of yourself.  That means eating foods that nourish your body and doing activities that keep your body as strong as it can.  Go outside or find a way to get your heart rate up if it is possible, being outside raises serotonin and exercising raises endorphins, both naturally-occurring chemicals that make you feel good.  And orgasms raise your oxytocin levels, another feel-good chemical.  You can get those by yourself. :)

Don't let others invalidate your feelings.  You were hurt, so it's OK to feel hurt.  Get your good cry out, then breathe deeply.  It's OK to allow yourself to feel sad.  What does it feel like in your body? What are those thoughts that are driving you nuts?  Look at them, and don't run away from them. Once you look directly at them, they may not be so scary.

Don't let those sad thoughts take over.  When I say look at them, I don't mean to buy into the fact that you feel unloveable.  Acknowledge that feeling and let it pass, like watching clouds float by in the sky.  Once you acknowledge those feelings, don't be afraid to let them go and let the better ones in.  I'm not an expert in mindfulness or mediation, so this if this advice doesn't work for you, please try something else :). However, from what I understand, it helps to really experience things/feelings inside your body (if you are ready) in order to let them do their job then move on.

Go get a hug from someone huggable. Hugs satisfy our skin hunger and give us a chance to connect with someone.

As hard as it is, try not to obsess.  It's OK to think about that person, to think about what went wrong, but don't dwell on it.  When you feel you are starting to dwell on it, either call someone to get it off your chest, write it out, find some way to express it, then think of something else.  Dwelling can really be unhealthy. Acknowledge the feelings, and let them float away.

Breakups can suck, but we can also learn a lot about ourselves when they happen.  Find the support you need, take care of yourself, then try to find another relationship/friendship that helps you create the connection that you crave.  And if there was something unhealthy about the last relationship, build your next relationship to be better than that.  

[confessionsofasexologist]

What did you just say to me?!

There is some sad shit that people do/say that really should just be squashed, right now.

1.) Person A compliments Person B: "Hey babe, you look hot."

Person B responds with the acknowledgement of that fact: "I know, right?"

Person A responds:  "Nah, you're actually ugly"

That sounds completely illogical, but I wouldn't be making this stuff up if it didn't happen. For real, check it out here.  It's so messed up, so completely backwards and messed up that I can't even go on.  It's sad that people who acknowledge their greatness and don't shy away from things that make them stand out are automatically judged for being confident.

2.) Person A asks Person B out: "Hey babe, wanna Netflix and chill?"

Person B politely declines: "I can't, I'm busy this weekend."

Person A responds: "Fuck you, you're ugly anyway."

It seems a little dramatic, right?  I know, rejection is hard! But there is a much more graceful way to handle it.  I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes, here.  It's so obvious that you were rejected and are lashing out...don't make it worse for yourself!

3.) Person A sends a message to Person B:  Hey

Person B doesn't answer immediately, Person A persists: Hey, Hello, WTF? Ur ugly anyway

Why do people feel entitled to an answer, and immediately, nonetheless.  These are just a few of the millions of examples on the interwebs: here.  This has actually happened to me.  The struggle is real. People are not required to answer, and they probably have good reasons if they don't.  It's OK if someone wants to not respond to you.  No one owes you anything.  It's also OK if someone takes a little while to respond.  I know I'm busy and sometimes take days to get back to people.  It's not one of my best qualities, but it doesn't mean I don't want to respond.  If you freak out, you just lose your chances.  Also, see point #2.

I apologize for finding what seems to be mostly men being assholes to mostly women.  I recognize that this is a problematic stereotype, but these were the ones that were easy to find.  It was more difficult to find women being assholes to men (or at least harder to identify, I'm also full of gender-normative assumptions on this one).  I did find this one, but I have no idea what the dude said to these people before, and I have a feeling at least a few of the texts he left out were probably problematic, too.  

Let's pretend that all these examples are completely gender neutral, because it doesn't matter what your genitals or your gender expressions are, you shouldn't treat people like that.  Rejection can hurt, I get it.  We are all big kids here (or maybe not, but we are learning to be).  If you need to reject someone, you can be gentle.  If you are being rejected, also, don't be like those people.  We can all do better.

Some people cite the 1st Amendment when they are generally being douchey.  Their favorite comeback when someone calls someone's poor behavior out: "It's a free country, I can say what I want."  So, let me clarify something...Freedom of speech: "Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press"

True.  In fact, there is a constitutional protection put in place so that people can say mostly anything (sans threats) without having any legal consequences.  However, freedom of speech does not entitle a person to be a total jerk without suffering any social consequences.  Just because a person is legally allowed to say things does not, in fact, mean that they should say those things.  There is nothing stopping that person from being a sexist, racist, person-hating bigot, but it also means that I (or anyone) do not have to listen to them or choose to respect what they say or publicly defend their words solely because it was their right to speak them.  I have a right to say whatever I want right back, but I will probably just walk away because most likely we will get into an altercation that has no good ending.

Freedom of speech also does not give someone social liberty to be unkind towards others.  Yes, they are legally allowed to say mean things to other people, but it is still totally not OK if they do, and people can choose not to be around them.  Or, all the total creeps who hate people can hang out together and say whatever they want.  However, when said person wants a favor from polite society, like a job or any sort of personal favors, they may be on their own (or on their own with their people-hating group of jerks who probably won't help because they're jerks, too).  

Congress cannot pass laws against assholery, but people have every right to filter the kinds of people they keep around in their lives.  So, don't be those people.  And if you never question if you are one of those kinds of people, there is a chance that you might be (and probably have not even read this far, so I'm preaching to the choir, if you're still reading).

[confessionsofasexologist]

Pro-choice, Pro-human rights

It's been a long time since I've been able to write.  I am having a bit of writer's block mixed in with Imposter's Syndrome.  Put that on top of "it's my last semester of graduate school" and you get a brutal mix of not being able to produce blog posts!  I thought this was an important topic to bring me out of my hidey-hole....so here it is...

I want to write for hours and hours on why we should protect abortion rights in this country.  There are so many reasons why it's a good idea to have access to these services, but I feel like it's impossible to sway people whose morals, or religious-based values, prohibit them from allowing other people access to medical services they want/need.  Unfortunately, a Texas-based abortion law that makes access to abortions really difficult will be heard in the Supreme Court in June.  So, for those of you who believe in the (already constitutional) right to a safe medical procedure and/or the autonomy of people with uteruses, sign this petition that lets politicians know how you feel:

https://secure.ppaction.org/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=20156

For those of you who are on the fence about abortion, you can choose to keep reading or just close the browser now.  Abortion has become such a dirty word in this country. It starts fights and can be a dividing line between friends and family.  That is not my intention.  I want to provide some arguments that have been made over and over again, hopefully in a way that makes some sense to someone who doesn't know why they should be pro-choice, for the sake of others if not themselves. Regardless of our personal feelings about abortion, whether or not we would have one ourselves should be our own choice. If abortion laws become stricter, and it looks like it is heading that way if we don't act now, people with uteruses everywhere will lose access to medical procedures that they have a constitutional right to.  If you, or your sister, or your friend, or anyone should need an abortion for any reason, I hope they still have access to them in the future.

Every pregnancy is a different story, and we cannot judge others for the hardest decisions they may have to make in their life.  So many things are out of our control; rape, birth defects, job loss, divorce, death, onset of an unexpected disability status, or any major life changes that would make it difficult or impossible to raise a baby (according to each individual's level of desire and ability).  Sometimes things happen, and condoms break, birth control fails, and sometimes we make bad choices.  Those are not things that we should judge, either.  Our job as fellow human rights activists is not to judge or police behaviors, it is protect the rights of everyone.  

The bulk of the arguments for and against abortion come down to the question, "When does life begin?"  The religious argument of "life begins at conception" is one with which I cannot argue.  I cannot actually debunk that belief, just like others cannot prove the belief that life doesn't start until XX weeks.  Or if something would not survive on it's own outside of a uterus, then is it "alive?"  What does the word "alive" even mean?  But the problem with that is, it's still not a hard-and-fast rule.  Other people still don't agree with that.  And then, some babies are born that need lots of medical support to survive, and their lives are still valuable and worth saving!!  But the choice is the parents', not mine or yours.

If we have freedom of religion in this country, we should be allowed to exercise our moral choices as we please and not limited to the moral choices of some monotheistic God-based religions.  I am not arguing for murder to be allowed, because that affects the autonomy of another human in a way that's not consensual.  And some people will argue that the "baby" is a human who has no voice, but  there are also many people who will not count a fetus or a blastocyst or a zygote as a full-human.  Why not err on the side that enhances the quality of life of those that are already fully-formed humans instead of theoretical people that are still waiting to breathe?

"What about the baby? We are speaking on behalf of the baby!?" But what about the life of the mother?  What about the quality of life of the baby? Would that baby want to be born into a home that doesn't have enough resources to support them?  "But so many people want to adopt or can't have babies that want them..." But there are children out there who need to be adopted, and people don't always want to adopt them because they are not cute, little babies.  What about their voices? What about the kids who are already alive and need love and a family?  Why does the unborn baby need your protection more than the kid who grew up in a family that actually changed  their neurodevelopment?

I could write more, but I have another paper that needs my attention.  I don't know if I changed any minds about abortion, but for those of you who do have an influence in the lives of people on the fence, I hope I gave you at least a couple of good talking points.

And lastly, just remember, just because you're pro-choice does not mean that you are actually in favor of or a fan of abortions.  You are merely supporting the right for people to make their own choices about their own bodies.

[micdotcom]

These stunning photos capture just how exhausting micro aggressions can be 

Paula Akpan and Harriet Evans have launched the “I’m Tired” project to highlight the impact common microaggressions and stereotypes many face on a daily basis. By symbolically and literally carrying the aggressions on their backs, Apkan and Evans hope to help both the subjects and everyone else.

[confessionsofasexologist]

Sex Positivity, again

I wrote this a while ago for Lotus Blooms in DC, and I thought it was appropriate to share here on my own blog! It's just what I think about sex positivity, nothing too new :). I need to find time to share more stuff, but right now school and family are kicking my ass. There will be new stuff to come very soon.

It’s easiest to describe my relationship to sex positivity by starting with my experience with the lack of sex positivity. I was devoutly Catholic when I was in high school (which, to be fair, began with a huge crush on one of the guys in the band at church). All of my early boyfriends were Catholic boyfriends, and some of my earliest sexual experiences were fraught with guilt. I can’t ever let go completely of those memories and those feelings, nor would I want to, my experiences made me who I am. However, I have the unique perspective of understanding what it is like to grapple with those feelings and move forward with my life. I still have moments that I realize my Catholic guilt is catching up to me, but as a whole I feel quite liberated knowing that I could move past those things in my life.

My guilt-laden past also helps me keep in perspective how important sex positivity is in the world. If I weren’t able to accept sex positivity, I would be stuck in that part of my life where I felt doubt and shame for things that merely make me a human. Sex positivity is accepting the humanity of our sexual desires, really seeing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about our bodies or our sexual experiences. Sex positivity is accepting that other people’s sexual desires may differ greatly from my own, but the need to feel wanted in our own way is what binds us all together. The lack of sex positivity can lead to bigotry, isolation, and hate crimes. A sex positive person will never physically assault someone for not understanding sexuality in the same way as they do. There’s something much more noble about acceptance.

Not everyone is sex positive, clearly. My awareness of sex positivity has led me to seek out others who are sex positive. If I keep a community of like-minded people around me, it helps shield me from the world of hate out there.  I surround myself with people who celebrate sexual diversity and respect others' (consensual!) decisions, even if it isn't what they would do themselves.  My new people allow space for everyone to have as much or as little of the kinds of sex that they want to have, without putting limits or moral limitations on things that make anyone's body feel good. They support social justice and human rights, and freedom of sexual expression is an integral part of their activism in these areas. I hope that others find that community. I hope that our ability to have these tough conversations can lead to enlightenment of others, and not by bullying back, but by seeing through the hate and pulling out the good. This is the career that I’ve chosen to pursue. Sex positivity directly affects my life because I have committed myself to sharing what I’ve learned with others.

It’s only been the last few years that I’ve had the privilege of the higher education that gave me the words and the time to think about how sex positivity has completely shifted my life around. Since high school, I’ve slowly and gradually worked through my shifting perspectives from believing that sex is shameful to believing that sex itself can be sacred, and also from feeling guilty about my sexual pleasure to feeling empowered by my sexual freedom. I have found ways to justify my own sexual thoughts and behaviors, but without a deeper understanding of the true meaning of sex positivity, it was merely a slow, personal shift. The way that I now see sex positivity in the world affects my interactions with others and my level of activism regarding these things that affect me deeply.

I think that sex positivity has changed how I look at myself and how I see others. Sex positivity has me accepting all the people who want to have sex and the people who don’t want to have sex. My confidence is increasing. I am learning more about myself because I’m not afraid of examining what I see anymore. I lean into uncomfortable conversations with others because my sex positivity begs me to listen and not judge.  It’s all OK.

[confessionsofasexologist]

The Power of Words

Recently, I realized that I love, and I mean LOVE, writing letters.  I write long emails whenever I can, I have lengthy explanations for why I'm right (just ask my husband, that one's so true!), and I really get a big kick out of writing love letters (you can also ask my husband, it's how we courted for the first 6 months we knew each other).  So why did I stop writing them?  I love taking the time to carefully craft just the right thing to say and really lavish someone with verbal care and attention. What is keeping me from doing this? Time, distraction, pick your excuse. I've got a whole bag of them.

There's something really powerful about receiving something, actually in writing, with all the reasons why someone likes you.  Maybe writing isn't your thing, try arranging the thoughts in your head like a poem or even like a recited love letter.  I think we can really connect with people by using long explanations about why they're so great.  Hell, if you're not good with words, just search for the things that make you happiest about a person, and let them have it, in as few words as you want to share.

In this digital age with all the texting, the stimulation, the photos, the models, I think we really lose sight of humanity.  We have lost touch with the realness of people. Reach out, write a love letter, even if it's to a friend. Find some way to show appreciation to someone you care about. It requires some amount of vulnerability, maybe a little less pride (pride about who's right? who's better? pick your last argument, pride about that?)...but if you can let yourself love and be loved, the world starts to soften a little bit for you.

And if you don't exactly receive the response that you want, you can't say you didn't try your damnedest and admit that it's time to give your attention elsewhere.  Because if someone doesn't at least appreciate the care that you took to make them feel good, then they probably don't appreciate how wonderful you are.

[confessionsofasexologist]

Consent is Sexy

Consent is messy. Understanding consent during a sexual encounter is almost an art form. There's a lot of rhetoric out there about explicit yeses in order to determine consent, or that consent comes in the form of an enthusiastic yes, but consent can be a lot more nuanced than that. Learning to understand your partner and what they are agreeing to can take skill and practice. It takes an artful eye to read someone's body language to know if you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. Someone may consent to sex but not specific sexual acts. And are you asking them as you go along every time you do something new? Does this mean they are consenting or not? It can get sticky, pardon the pun.

"Can I kiss you?"  "Can I take your shirt off?" You can get more imaginative, if you'd like. Sometimes those words aren't spoken, and does that mean that consent wasn't achieved? Not at all. Consent can be given non-verbally, but it really is a risk claiming that you read someone's nonverbal cues for that enthusiastic yes.  There is no cut and dry, black and white, right and wrong way to see this. And no one wants to talk about it because it's a liability.  It's a huge risk for me to put this out into the world, because I'm risking that some idiot is going to use these words against someone and say that they thought they had consent because they "read it" in their body cues...but just as nonverbal consent can be misinterpreted, verbal consent can be rescinded, too. So these concepts are not mutually exclusive.

Back to my point, consent is messy. But it doesn't have to be unsexy. It is sexy to ask, "Do you like this?" "How would you like it if I...?" "Does that feel good there?" "Can I try this?" If you're not sure you're good at reading those non-verbal cues, then you can ask. If you think you have the nonverbal cue reading down to a science, ask anyway and see if you're right. Even amongst partners who have been together for a while, consent can be messy. Unless there's a conversation about the limits, sometimes someone crosses a line. It's also important to give readable cues--and partners, if the cues aren't readable, ASK! Just because there's ambiguity about whether or not a person wants it or likes it, doesn't give you the right to keep going. It's not solely the responsibility of one partner or the other, but if there's ever any doubt, don't be shy about checking in.

It's really important that I'm not being misinterpreted, here. Consent is the responsibility of both partners, it is a conversation, but if one person isn't speaking loudly enough, it is the other person's responsibility to try harder to hear them. Anything less than full understanding that it's OK is not consent, whether verbal, nonverbal, or whatever means of communicating you have with your partners. Better yet, have conversations with your friends or your partners, or anyone who will listen, and see how they interpret giving and receiving consent. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Even if it feels right, there's no harm in talking about it.

[confessionsofasexologist]

“Am I Normal?”

I would venture to guess that this is one of the most asked questions in the field of sexology, maybe even the internet. A colleague told me when he tells people he is a sex educator, a common response is to ask if something they do is normal, or even show off a body part that there might a question about to see if there’s something “wrong” with it.  How many of us run to WebMD or “doctor” google when we have a concern about our health, body parts, or bodily functions? How often do we scour over dozens, or hundreds, of pictures when we think something doesn’t look “normal?” We lurk on or post to online forums to find other people who have had the same experience, who feel the same way about something, who maybe have specific types of sexual desires…We are constantly searching to not be the only one, maybe even to find community.

Most of the time, we’re not the only one. We revel in the fact that our “normalcy” is upheld because we’ve found several other individuals that are like us in whatever way we’re searching for. The internet has caused our sense of community, and even sense of identity, to grow and shift and include new things.  A sense of belonging is something important, and if we find it we feel relieved. But let’s just say we don’t find anyone else or a community, does that make us not “normal”?

Normal as we know it doesn’t exist.  Statistic normalcy exists. There are more people out there who have two arms and two legs than who don’t. Does that make someone who does not have that configuration of arms and legs “abnormal?” It just means that they are not configured in a way that falls in the statistical norm. Does it make them “different?” I’ll throw that one back at you, who among us is actually “the same” as anyone else? “Normal” is this idea that we should all be the same, look the same, act the same, have the same desires, etc. Normal is not necessarily something to be proud of, just because. Something that makes us different may make us better, more unique, or more interesting, not abnormal.

The line of thought that is more relevant, in sexuality and in other realms, is “is it harmful to myself or others?” Do my thoughts, actions, fantasies, or behaviors cause harm to anyone (and by this, I’m not talking about BDSM, which is controlled, consensual, and not necessarily actual harm)? If someone is concerned about the shape or size of a body part and are wondering if it’s normal, they should ask themselves does that part hurt? Does it hurt others? Does it function the way that person wants it to? And if it doesn’t function the way they want it to, can they adapt mentally, physically, psychologically to it not functioning? Does any of this make them “abnormal?” No! It just makes us all unique, special snowflakes.

Leave normal to statisticians and enjoy your body as it is.  Also, help promote this idea of non-normalcy by accepting and encouraging others to accept themselves as normal, no matter what. And if you’re afraid your thoughts, actions, or body are harmful to yourself or others, seek out help. There is always someone willing to help, no matter how bad you think it is

[just-shower-thoughts]

Will the new $10 bills with a woman on them only be worth $7.30?

[antiandrogen]

lilith was created before eve from the same soil as adam to be his wife 

she refused to lay beneath him, wishing to be his equal, only willing to have sex with him if she was on his side or on top 

adam tried to force her to have sex with him the way he wanted, so she left him and became a demon…

…go off 

[antiandrogen]

i mean we could talk about how lilith was a badass who’d rather be a demon than be subservient to a man or we could talk about the allegory here where a woman who demands agency is LITERALLY demonized… or the reality that this story means that the first man in the bible (or the first man ever, if you subscribe to that) was a rapist! great start, boys

[chubby-bunnies]

this is so important. 

[lesbiansandthelivingdead]

I wonder how different shit would be if Adam attempting to rape Lilith was the “original sin” instead of Eve eating the apple. 

[nyquilpanties]

shots fired

[confessionsofasexologist]

Nature Loves Diversity

For as many people as there are in the world, there are as many ways of being. 

For as many people as there are in the world, there are as many ways to form a relationship. Even within the context of monogamy, every couple or individual will have different ideas of what is acceptable. So communication is number one in all relationship styles, even monogamy...especially monogamy because there are so many assumptions about it. Within non-monogamy it is mostly assumed that people will communicate their needs, as it should be.

For as many people as there are in the world there as many ways of gender expression. Gender is a created concept. One hundred years ago pink was a masculine color! If someone's gender expression doesn't fit with the binary, maybe they're just in the wrong time...or maybe "gender" is a socially constructed concept and has no bearing on being a human.

Nature loves diversity, but humans are afraid of it because they want to categorize things so that they understand them better. The more time and energy we save by categorizing things, the more space we have for other ventures. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we are at a place in history where that doesn't work anymore. Everyone is entitled to their preferences, and should be able to pursue them, even the most conservative and most liberal people. We just all have to talk about it.

[confessionsofasexologist]

Choosing Queerness

"Wait! Don't start saying that queer people chose to be queer, that will push back all the progress we've made!" Hear me out. To choose is to select something out of one or more possibilities. OK, but what if one of those possibilities sounds absolutely awful? What if, for example, I had the choice between a glass of fresh lemonade and a glass of baby mice wine? That's still considered a choice, even though one may be absolutely unappealing to me.  

The baby mice wine is actually considered a health tonic in Chinese and Korean cultures, and there are people who would choose that. Are they wrong? We accept that different people can and do make different choices.  Just because it's unappealing to you, doesn't mean it won't be exciting to someone else. So why is sexuality as a choice frowned upon?

There's a lot of rhetoric out there about how people "choose" certain lifestyles, or is it that they're born that way? This is not the point. I am not the expert on whether queerness is biological or a choice...maybe it's different things for different people. The point is that we need to de-pathologize choice. What if it is a choice? What if it's a choice between delicious, cold, sweet lemonade and baby mice wine? Yes, that's a choice. Should people be forced to choose the baby mice wine because that's what the dominant narrative says you should do?

Are we following how this equates to queerness as a choice? In the same way that it is obvious that certain people would choose their delicious, fresh lemonade over baby mice wine, some people would choose one gender or sex over another, or one type of gender expression over another. Yes, maybe they choose to be queer, but it is because the other options just don't feel right. Does that make the act of choosing "wrong"? If queerness, orientation, gender expression, or anything is a choice, we should recognize that the other option might be unappealing and allow people to choose what looks best to the individual.

Next level thinking: What if you want to try both things? What if the choice is between sweet lemonade, fresh watermelon juice, or chocolate milk? You can still choose to try all of them. It doesn't have to be one or the other! You can choose to want one type of gender expression or all variations on gender! Why are we afraid of choice when it represents the diversity of beautiful experiences available to us? 

End note: I'm going to re-state this, just to be clear: I don't know if being queer is a choice or biological, maybe it's both, maybe it's different for different people. I simply want to say that if it is a choice, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to choose...especially in the "land of the free." If America prides itself so much the idea of freedom, then people should back the fuck off of people who want to exercise that freedom through sexuality (as long as it is consensual! always...).

This post is based on the idea of #piequeer, by Laura Jacobs, LCSW.

[confessionsofasexologist]

We don't need gay marriage

Come the end of this month, the Supreme Court will probably catch up with the times and legalize same-sex marriages across the country. They would be on the wrong side of history if they didn't. But marriage isn't really the issue, is it? 

Same-sex marriage is a bandaid on the widespread maltreatment of fellow human beings, and at this point in history, it happens to be same-sex attracted people. If same-sex attraction weren't vilified, if love was recognized as love regardless of sex or gender, if people in the U.S. didn't treat "different" people, well, differently, then same-sex marriage wouldn't be a problem. "Different" people could be anyone, not just same-sex attracted people. Kinky people, non-monogamous people, asexual people, etc. these folks are all biased against by the laws and by other people. Will you fall into an "othered" category next week? Why do people feel the need to judge and/or harm those who aren't the same as them, as long as they are causing no harm to others? 

Marriage has two sides, a religious acknowledgement of the joining of two souls and a government recognition of a pair of people who share a life together. If church and state were really separated, this wouldn't be an issue. Give religious entities the right to not recognize the marriage in the eyes of whatever higher power, but don't take away the right to exist legally in the eyes of the State. Arguments against same-sex partnerships in terms of marital stability and familial happiness have been researched and disproven. 

Now, Conservative Right, take the moral high ground and say, "It's none of my goddamn business what other people do, people deserve all the same rights as I have." The rights that people often repeat that our young men (and more recently, women) have fought and died for are being denied. If you so staunchly believe in those rights, then let everyone have them, not just people who look like you.

Gay marriage is great, it's a step in the right direction, but it's not the solution to the wider-spread problem of bigotry and prejudice against any "other," whichever "other" people are most afraid of today. 

[confessionsofasexologist]

Tell Your Story

There is a lot of mystery, secrecy, and definitely some shame around sexual topics. Topics ranging from fantasies and desires to reproductive issues are usually reserved for intimate conversations, or they are hush hush altogether. These topics make us vulnerable for many reasons. Our sexual conversations, while personal, are not shameful. These conversations should be shared to benefit ourselves and others.

I see this happening with myself and my friends, and I speculate that it happens with many people: a taboo topic comes up, something that you may have an opinion on or maybe even have experience with, and you totally clam up. Why do we doubt our own expertise, experiences, and essentially our own authentic selves? 

Sharing these things makes us vulnerable, and it gets scary. We don’t know how people are going to react. However, as a society we will continue to believe that certain topics are shameful or that we are on the fringe by having lived certain experiences if people don’t start sharing. I think we all collectively need to share our stories in order for people to know they are not alone and to normalize the fact that we are all sexual beings.

I want to pose an informal challenge to you: to share something uncomfortable for the greater good. What’s that thing about your sexuality, your sex life, or even your reproductive past, that you have hidden away from most people? Start by talking about it with someone you trust, practice what you want to say by talking to them, anticipate questions you might get by allowing your trusted person to ask you anything they want to know, give your story some air. By talking to them, hopefully you’ll realize it’s not so hard to talk about, or even better, that you’re not unusual or alone.

Once you’ve allowed your story to grow in your consciousness, share it with someone you think might benefit from it who may not be so close to you. Or if you want, practice by telling your story to a group of strangers.  I find it’s easier to say things when there is a lower likelihood of social repercussions. If you’re feeling really bold, find a place to publicly tell your story. There are plenty of venues for this, but it really depends on the content. At the end of the post, I’ll list a few places you can share publicly, if you’re feeling bold.

Secrecy is holding us back as a society.  We often don’t talk about sexuality-related issues, and that keeps them taboo leading to us not talking about them. If you want to share your story, be safe about it. Don’t endanger yourself or anyone else, and be respectful of other peoples’ privacy. Both of those statements are meant to be vague because danger and respect both come in many forms. But really, if you can, tell your story.

The Moth

Foreplay! At the Delancy in NYC

Bare at Sidewalk in NYC and L’Etage in Philadelphia

Bawdy Storytelling in LA

Storycorps or any other podcast that is story-based or narrative-based

So what do you have to say?