nadine🧿

• enjoy the deep and meaningful bullshit that pops into my head. • ° § add my snap- og-nadz

[conscienceismykiller]

What do people want me to say now? How do they want me to act? Should i cry? Should i smile and laugh? Right now i need someone to tell me what i should do because i really don't know.

Im so numb. I feel like every ounce of emotion i had, every feeling that i could conjure up disappeared when you left me. Happiness, sadness, pain, anger, fear, joy, love... They are foreign concepts to me now and i dont know what i should be feeling.

My mind is just blank, my head is just pure static and all i can see and hear is just words and pictures. Nothing feels real. Its all monopoly money to me. Its there but it doesn't hold any substance... Its fake.

I feel like im drifting through each day just barely living right now. Like im here but im not. Like im alive but i dont want to be. What should i be feeling, how should i be acting... My mind wants to self destruct and my body just wants to shut down.

Im so tired. Im exhausted. I barely feel anything but im so drained by everything that i am thinking about, i dont even have the energy to fake happiness anymore. I'm trying but god.... Im tired.

Please someone tell me what am i doing? How should i be feeling?

N. T

[conscienceismykiller]

What am i meant to do now....? I pretended i didnt see, that i didnt know how you felt about me for so long. I thought to myself that if we just stayed friends it would be okay and i wouldnt have to decide.

I thought we were okay, we laughed, we smiled, we told each other sweet nothings that give my heart a new rhythm. We touched, we moved, we imagined all the things we could do with each other and to each other.

Everything was exciting and tantalising. I was finally realising that i wanted you. I wanted all of you, not just to talk to or to see every once and a while. I wanted to be around you all the time, i wanted to feel you beside me in the cold of night and have your arms be the things that i search for in the dark places. I wanted you. I finally wanted you.

I took too long though, i made you wait for something that you no longer cared about. Here i am now, falling with no one there to catch me. No one is there, because i made you wait too long for me.

[conscienceismykiller]

I get it now. I didn't want you. I just wanted the attention.

I wanted your body, not your mind. You wanted to claim me but not keep me.

It was just lust.

[conscienceismykiller]

Why am I still thinking about you? I thought i was over it. I thought it didn't matter how you left me behind and played with me.

Yet I still catch myself drifting to you in my thoughts, I still want you... My heart sinks, my eyes water, and my body trembles. I know you no longer think about me, you couldn't care less about my feelings or what I want... But there was a time when what I wanted was what you wanted. I wanted to feel you on me, I wanted your hands over my body... Possessing me in every single way they could. I wanted your lips on mine, moving in a rhythm that we could barely keep up with. I wanted all of you and you wanted all of me.

But fear of the unknown drove me away, it terrified me thinking that I had the chance to give myself to you fully... Body, mind and soul. I wanted to... But doubt hit, and fear pushed, and all my insecurities drove the want away.

Now all I have is my thoughts of you, all the sweet nothings you spoke to me, all the images of you in my mind that I can't seem to get away from. All I have left is the deep seated regret... Regret that I didn't claim you when I should have. Regret that I didn't give myself to you when you actually wanted me.

Regret and hate.

N. T

[conscienceismykiller]

You've left me now. You have found where you want to go, and what you want to do but you've left me behind.

I thought we were working together, I thought we were on separate paths that were at least leading the same way, but you went left and i went right.

I want you and I always will but you decided to want someone else and I'm just here... Regretting every decision I ever made that didn't bring me closer to you. I love you... I think.

And i know that won't change any time soon.

[conscienceismykiller]

I cant stop thinking about you. I cant stop imagining what could have been, what could be, and what should have been. I want you. Every part of me wants you... Yet I don't have you.

All I have is my thoughts. My empty words that have no actions behind them...

I want to see you, to breathe you in, to kiss you, touch you and have you as mine. To let you devour me piece by piece. I think about it every day and I fantasise about how it would feel and how I would react and what we would be.

And yet... When the opportunity is there I shake and quiver and recoil from the idea of giving myself to you. I withdraw myself from the idea that you want me and put barrier after barrier in my way.

You dont actually want me, you want someone else, im just convenient, im nothing to you... Part of me cares so much. While the other part doesn't care at all. The other part just wants to taste you and claim you.

Yet here I am, and there you are. That time has passed and the storm will continue to rage on in my mind. I just want you to know that every time I think of you... Its like lightning strikes and I'm on fire again.

N.T

[conscienceismykiller]

I dont want to be here anymore, I wanna die... But i dont wanna die. I just don't want to exist.

I dont deserve to exist. I'm not good at anything I do and I fail and hurt everyone around me. My existence is meaningless to everyone around me that I'm sure I don't even come up in anyone's thoughts, unless it's fleeting.

I dont want to be in pain anymore, I don't want to care, or feel, or think, or be anymore. I just want to cease... But i dont want to die.

Or maybe I do.

[wishing-for-deathx]

“He is not thinking about you, he never does. As much as that hurts, it’s as simple as that.”

— Why he won’t reply to you.

[depresseddisneyprincess]

[thislovethathurt]

“I think we were meant to be but we did it wrong.”

—4:15 PM

[forgottenfeeelings]

[flowury]

i want to sit on a kitchen counter in my underwear at 3 am with you and talk about the universe

[boobiesontoast]

[angelofdivinityy]

[purtie]

☆ indie ☆

[conscienceismykiller]

If my body isn't covered... I dont want it....

[oldmrsk]

[tattoo-heavenxxx]

[conscienceismykiller]

Subtle.

I run, I sprint, I jumped, I claw, I cry, I scream, I give all my energy to try and grasp that feeling that there is something more to this life. Something more than just a worthless moral dilemma of who do I want to be when I grow up?

I've grown up and I still don't know. I still sit and wonder what the hell have I done with my life and what the hell am I suppose to do? Should I be more accomplished, should I be doing something that I'm not?

What if I don't want to be anyone? What if I just want to drift through this pathetic excuse of a world without making a single mark on anyone's life. To flit through like a small speck of dust that no one even notices. Why is that not an option... Why can't I just get up and disappear from everything and everyone I know. Why is it so frowned upon to just disappear.

I dont want to be here, or there.... I want to be no where and everywhere at the same time. My life has turned into a charade of joy and contentment.... Is this what I aspired to be when I was younger. A shell of a woman who barely understands what I'm even thinking in my own head.

I hate it, I hate it so much. The feeling like this is the only road I have, the only life I'll ever know. I'm terrified that I'm destined to live a life that's not mine. It's what I was raised to believe I wanted and yet here I am... Trying to find something that keeps me hopeful. Hopeful that maybe someday ill have myself back, that I'll be able to smile and actually mean it, or laugh and actually feel it.

This is where that subtle difference between hope and madness lies, like a balancing act on a tightrope.

N.T