CONSOLIDATION SUNDAY

Hectic week? Yeah, me too. Every Sunday morning, this is where I'll consolidate the past 7 days over coffee and breakfast. I hope you slept well. Enjoy my box of ce-reality. ______________________________________________ * May contain traces of rants * Not suitable for cynics ______________________________________________ var fhsh = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id_h = "2989761"; fhsh.src = "http://s1.freehostedscripts.net/ocount.php?site="+fhs_id_h+"&name=bowls of cereal eaten&a=1"; document.body.appendChild(fhsh);document.write(""); var fhs = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id = "5037179"; var ref = (''+document.referrer+'');var pn = window.location;var w_h = window.screen.width + " x " + window.screen.height; fhs.src = "http://s1.freehostedscripts.net/ocounter.php?site="+fhs_id+"&e1=coffee bean online&e2=coffee beans online&r="+ref+"&wh="+w_h+"&a=1&pn="+pn+""; document.body.appendChild(fhs);document.write("");

[consolidationsunday]

Change

[listening to: this blog]

[drinking: coffee]

[eating: muesliiii]

One week back at home, feeling refreshed, and ever-slightly stressed, haha.

Nah, it’s a good stress, promise. Really nice to have a work/relaxation schedule to work around. Gets my productivity levels nice and high, so I feel like I’m getting things done. I also leave fr Germany in, like, just under 2 weeks? So there’s that to work towards and around as well.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about today. Rather, a lot of things are going to change over the next few months, and I wanted to talk about that a little bit. It links quite nicely with the idea of “impermanence” in my Buddhism studies, and I think there are a lot of important lessons to learn in that regard.

So, firstly, we just sold our house (BOMBSHELL). It’s the house I’ve been living in since pre-primary school - in other words, for the last 16 years of my life - which is a pretty hefty chunk.

I thought I’d be feeling quite down about it, and maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet, but I think I’m at a point in my life where I can find - or at least look for - comfort and happiness in things other than the security of thinking that things are not going to change. Buddhism’s core notions include that of “impermanence,” and that means accepting that everything changes at one point or another, and coming to accept that will inevitably avoid causing more suffering than is necessary.

That sounds quite washy, and a little naive, but the essential idea is to not think everything we have can last forever, because the reality is that it won’t and so we are bound to become sad when it goes away. This extends to a lot of things, but for me at the moment it’s about this house, and the move from my current house to my next house. 

Obviously it’ll be a little sad to say goodbye to where a ton of memories were made, but we’ll be leaving as many bad times behind as we do good times, and so the transition to the new house is as much a move of growth as it is a move away from that sense of comfort. That sort of perspective is important, and I really think that that’s why I’m not as affected by the looming move as I thought I would be.

Something which really struck me, was how it related to relationships. We don’t like to associate impermanence with relationships - especially marriage - because we want to love forever, and change just doesn’t fit that ideal. But if change is inevitable, then why do we even bother getting attached to people in the first place? Buddhism answers this so poetically, and it believes that love is an affection that needs to be realised daily. Love cannot be experienced once and extended throughout life. Instead, with marriage for example, we should love someone for the fact that they are going to change, which is essentially giving them the freedom to change and the opportunity for you to fall in love with them anew each day. That way, you can love that person every day for who they are in that present moment, rather than loving them once and projecting your love for them over the next few years based on that single moment you fell in love for the first time. That kind of daily falling-in-love would probably save a lot of marriages, because you accept that they are going to change, and that you yourself are going to change, but that you are both going to work towards loving each other for whoever you are and whoever you become, rather than for who you remember the other one to be. 

Anyway, the house is the biggest change for sure. Others are things like my new cottage during uni next year, my next year at uni with my new specialisation for my degree, and a few other things here and there, but they are all OK, you know? I still have everything I need to be happy and positive, and leaving this house to go to a new one won’t change those conditions. 

I still have work today, so I do need to go and sort myself out, but I hope this wasn’t too boring for everyone. Maybe you can take something away from it, and apply it to things going on in your life at the moment...? But either way, have a lovely Sunday, and see you next week (yay for regular posting again, whoopwhoop).

[consolidationsunday]

Cruising in summer’s heat

[listening to: Joakim Karud - Canals]

[drinking: filter coffee, finally]

[eating: muesli, peanut butter, apple, banana]

I’m feeling really great. Not only am I home, but the last 2 weeks of this term at university have been awesome. All my exams went really well, I managed to start relaxing as well, and got all the loose ends tied before I left - had a really nice braai with some friends, packed up the flat, said goodbye to people...It just feels good to have things all in order, and all in place.

Anyway, as I said, I’m home. Once again, the relief of being here still has to hit me, but for the moment I’m sat comfortably at my dining table, listening to some really laid-back music, and writing this post in absolute peace. It’s turning into a typical Cape Town summer’s day, a few clouds dotting the sky, giving that momentary pause in direct sunlight, but still really warm, and really pleasant. Wind is still pretty gusty, but this is Cape Town, after-all, soo...

Weather aside: I have quite a few cool things planned for this vacation. I’m going to try and nail down some writing and get my book back on track. I really wanted to have a fully-drafted first copy done by this time next year, so that I can really start searching for a publisher. I’ll be doing some administration between now and then anyway, and hopefully I can find one even earlier, but writing the damn thing is obviously first priority! 

I also have an exhibition I’m curating and exhibiting in, which will take place in Cape Town on the 5th January. It’s taking some time to put together, but I’m genuinely really excited, and think it’s going to be an amazing way to kick-off the new year. I’ll be keeping you updated on here, and will hopefully have the Facebook event page up soon, so keep an eye out for that.

And then I’m also going to be taking a 2 week holiday in Germany with my parents. We’ll be heading to Hamburg (where I was born), and Munich, with our time split equally between the two places. I’m honestly so excited to visit my hometown again, because each time I go back it’s just a breath of fresh air. Plus, we’re going over Christmas season this time, so there will be tons of Christmas markets, and maaaaybe even some snow (but I’m not holding out for it... could just be wet and cold, too, haha). But I’m going to be doing some filming while I’m there as well. It’ll be like vlogging, but I’ll have all my equipment with me, and will try and upload montages every other day of the things we get up to. If you watch my Youtube channel over December, you will probably get to keep up with and where I am, so that’s pretty cool.

I’ve also arranged to meet 2 people in Hamburg, whom I have never met before. They’re both around my age, and live and work there, so it’ll be great to a) meet new people and b) find out what’s like to live and work there. As I have been seriously considering moving there to to do just that at some point, I really want to see if it’s all that I imagine it to be.

And then I’m just going to try and do some studying as well. I’ve wanted to revisit Italian, German, and Japanese studies, but during the university term there is just too much other work to get through. Now I have time again to work on some of the things I genuinely want to, so those will get some much-needed attention these holidays as well.

Otherwise, I start work again tomorrow, and will be there until early February. I’m actually quite excited to go back, as I miss the people I get to work with. It’s also going to bring some cash flow back into my wallet, which is also important considering that I’m venturing into the land of high exchange rates soon! All positive, in other words. 

I do hope that you are doing well too. I really wish I heard from you guys a bit more. I would love an idea of whether what I write about is at all interesting, and whether I should change the kind of things I write about :’) Anyway, my ask box is always open. Literally just click >THIS< and it’ll take you straight there. Tell me something, anything... I’m really excited to hear from you.

Anyway, until next weekend, have a beautiful Sunday, and have a productive week. You are doing great, and the year is nearly over - push on!

x

[consolidationsunday]

It’ll be over, and I’ll still be asking “when?”

[listening to: Dodie Clark - When]

[drinking: afternoon coffee, nice and strong]

[eating: saving space for dinner]

As I write this, the view outside is pretty cold and wet. It’s dry for now, but there’s an icy breeze trickling in through the window over my shoulder, and I keep needing to touch my neck because it feels like little drops of rain. It’s annoying, but it’s actually really pleasant, too, somehow. It’s like drizzle reminding me that outside still exists, that nature and life are still happening beyond my work and my desk...

I’m not sure why I didn’t write last weekend. I feel bad, but not because I didn’t write; rather, I just feel bad that I can’t tell you why. Anyway, I’m here now, and I’m not sure where this post is going to go. I’ll sip my coffee quickly, and see what my fingers decided to do when they return to the keyboard.

[side note, while I think about what to write... this song - which I know you’re listening to, because I told you to at the beginning of the blog - is suuuuch a good one. Dodie has done it again, and touched every one of my heart strings. Her EP comes out end of the month, and I couldn’t be more excited]

Here’s something really cool: I’ve always been spiritual, and always tried to align my beliefs and my lifestyle to Buddhism, Hinduism, Eastern philosophy, etc. I just connected with their words, beliefs, and ways of life in such a profound way, and I really thought I knew where I wanted to go with it. 

However, recently, I lost that connection a little. I think I just got caught up in the general busy-ness of life, and all the emotions that go with it, that I forgot all of the really important insights of the spirituality I thought I had. All of a sudden, I found one podcast, which led my to a Wikipedia page, which led me to another podcast, and a whole website even, and within a day I had managed to put my finger on what I had been falling in love from day 1: Secular Buddhism. 

First question is of course “what?” and that’s fair. Essentially, it applies the teachings of Buddhism to a Western lifestyle and frame of thinking. It works alongside current society, and science, and technology, but adopts a mindful approach to life that resonates to our deeper, more ancient, and more humane centers. For me, this was really important, and I cannot even begin to describe the mental amelioration that has been going on for the last 2 weeks. 

I’m not even necessarily learning new things, or things I didn’t know, but it’s putting concepts I had tucked away into words, and into philosophies, and into analogies... This journey has given me tangible realisations of various philosophies I’ve been mulling-over, as if a future version of myself saw how distressed I was, and created an entire podcast series to help me order my thoughts into words. 

And I feel great. I feel so much more freedom, freedom from worry, concern, suffering, and control. I no longer see the world as something I need to go and get, and go and earn, or go and change; I now see it as something I am dependent on, and something impermanent, and uncontrollable. I even read about it in Benjamin Hoff’s book earlier this year, how we need to be river’s that bend and flow around the rocks and obstacles they encounter, rather than struggle against them, and try to change what’s inevitable. 

It really is a complex emotion, because I’ve never felt so content with my beliefs. The sensation is ineffable, but I think its inexplicability (is that a word?) is in-and-of-itself the best way I can describe it. 

Anyway, that’s been amazing, and it’s helped me find peace with these exams. I am longing for home, and I hate being here when I know that exams are the only reason my bus ticket is still so far away, but I’ve come to accept that now. I’ve learnt to expect suffering, and so am able to respond and react to it with mindfulness, and with appreciation (YES, APPRECIATION! I know, crazy...) for the present moment. Why? Because this moment has never happened before, and will never happen again. And neither will the next moment, or the next, or even the next...

I could go on about what I’ve been able to verbalise, but that would take far too long. I highly recommend reconnecting with your beliefs - whatever they may be, which is also OK, because there is no one truth, only many ways to interpret the same truth. Find it, and hold onto it. And above-all, live by it. 

I really hope you are all OK. Christmas is a dangerous season for everyone - mad shopping, family dinners, family reunions, fruit cake... :’) but spend it well, and use the time to consolidate your week, your year, and hey... I challenge you to consolidate your entire life up until now. Reflect a bit, and appreciate every splinter, every smile, and every moment of any emotion you can remember. 

Until next week (he says, haha).

x

[consolidationsunday]

The sounds of Spring

[listening to: Bach - Cello Suite No.1 Prelude]

[drinking: coffee alla black]

[eating: the juiciest apple, and some peanuts]

My emotional stability is finally getting better. I’ve avoided writing because I haven’t felt able to, but I’m slowly putting thoughts into words again. It wasn’t a physical inability, because I still went running, I still got other work done... I was functioning, but I guess you could say I was afraid of writing here because this forces me to really look into myself, and I simply wasn’t ready to face “me” yet. 

Now I am though. I’ve had a little time to myself, some space to reflect and some opportunities to talk to friends, so I feel like the earthquake of tension and insecurity is over, and I now only need to deal with a few more tremors before things settle down again completely.

Anyway, I mentioned why things have been so hectic in my last post, so there’s enough there to give you an idea of how shit-fucked-screwed-up the South African tertiary education system is at the moment. University is not a fun space to be in at the moment, but it’s not the students that I’m afraid of. Yeah, ok, they burn things and throw things sometimes, but they’re angry and desperate so I can’t even lie and say I don’t understand where they’re coming from. 

No, I’m afraid of the amount of security following me around these days, and that the government and those with some sort of parliamentary power are not addressing anything. Or at least, they don’t seem to be. Excuse the language, but it’s been fucking hell to see young adults I sit in lectures with being dragged into police vans, and then have the same police cars patrolling campus the next day, and big men with big guns standing outside lecture venues to “protect us.” No thanks. I don’t agree with the conduct of some students, granted, but I feel like the government’s conduct since 1994 has been pretty damn awful as well, so let’s not point too many fingers, you know?

Right, rant over. Like I said, it’s been a tough few weeks, and I’ve finally started to find my productivity again and actually get some good work done. Being so emotionally drained left me staring at pages, and staring at my computer, unable to actually do anything. I got so distracted and I hated it, because I knew I had things to get on with... but I couldn’t. I just could not, for the life of me, continue without some sort of closure.

Closure hasn’t come, I’m still waiting, but at least I’ve been able snap out of the limbo by distancing myself slightly. Distancing isn’t even the right word, because I’ve still engaged quite emotionally with everything, but I’ve spoken to people and tried to take a step back and look at things with a different lens. That’s helped a lot. 

And friends - once again - have been the saving grace here. Parents too, obviously, always - their phone calls are a bizarre (and expensive) comfort any time of the day - but just sitting down for a coffee with someone, or going to their art studio with them and messing around with some print making machines... I don’t know, it’s really special, especially when I know we’re both not very stable emotionally, but are both trying to fake it and enjoy each other’s company while we have it. It’s those moments that I really hold on to, and I am so addicted to the feeling of love I have after I get home from coffee or art sessions. It’s exhilarating.

But here’s something really special. Something which happened the other day struck such a poignant cord, and it really came as a surprise when it hit me. I went to take pictures with a friend, and completely unrelated to what we were doing we walked past a pond, and in this pond were at least 100 tadpoles. Tiny. Couldn’t be more than a week old. I mean really: tiny. I saw these little sperm-like soon-to-be-amphibians wriggling around, barely able to swim straight, nibbling on algae and unlucky flies that landed in the water and drowned...

But what’s the significance? It reminded me that life isn’t linear; it’s cyclic.

And that’s really important. Things starts afresh, there’s new life every cycle, and with that new life comes a new chance to do better, and to pick yourself up. We all have our own cycles, and life rebirths itself at different times for everyone, but it kind of made me realise that this feeling of being absolutely lost and anxious is coming to an end, and I need to be ready for the new cycle, the new birth, the new tadpoles. It was one of those truly uplifting moments, and although I kept myself composed at the pond, I wept when I got home... for joy. For the purest joy one can imagine.

I also listened to a podcast (the link is >here< so go listen, it’s a great series) which spoke about running and jogging as spiritual things, and that resonated with me so much. It’s one of the things I always knew, but was never able to really put into words... and it felt so good to finally be able to have a way of expressing how I feel about running, the purity of reaching the top of the hill, and looking out over nature, and the village, and horizon. Having the sun set on your back, or the rain cool your pores. This podcast hit the nail on the head, and two insights which stood out for me were as follows:

- Rather than running away from anything, putting on my shoes and going for a run takes me closer to who I am. Running takes me back to where I was, before the speed and rush and dust of daily stress settled onto my body. 

- The blessings we seek in life are always - and often only - outside of our comfort zones. Run that extra kilometer, those extra 100 meters, that extra lap around the block, and you might just find the blessing you were looking for sitting at home, or sitting at your desk, or standing in the queue as you waited to receive the promises that life made... 

Have a great week. I can’t wait to see you more regularly again. 

Leave me a message, I want to see your words fill my inbox.

x

[consolidationsunday]

Life update: Falling.

[listening to: Dustin O'Halloran - Opus 38] 

[drinking: water]

[eating: an apple, random snack things]

I realise it’s been an unprecedentedly long time since I’ve written, but the circumstances have unfortunately not only been unforeseen, but beyond my control. I have not been in the emotional headspace to write, and I question if I’m even in the right one at the moment. 

But I can’t go on not saying anything, so here’s my attempt, because you deserve to hear from me and you actually help a lot. So call it therapy, if you will. Either way, I appreciate it.

I doubt that #FeesMustFall will be familiar to most of you, but it’s a big thing here in South Africa at the moment. Like, nationally. Most - if not all - universities have been shutdown for over a week now, because students are protesting against the high costs and Westernised learning in tertiary education.

It flared up last year, kind of fizzled again, and has now re-surged to a point where we find ourselves unable to go back, and unable to move forward. It’s a really, really shit place to be in. For everyone. 

The issue itself is really complicated, and I’ll link you to this article which - although an American source - explains lat year’s protests really well. I also wrote a blog post on here back then. Both explain the significance of what students are busy fighting for. 

And I’m a student. And I’m a journalist. And I’m concerned. I find myself in the middle of these two morals - protesting, and reporting - and the emotional exhaustion of being everywhere, and engaging in all the diverse experiences is just... it’s crazy. I don’t even know what to say. It’s kind of why I’ve been putting off this post for so long. 

Police brutality is another thing, and it’s legitimately scary to be on campus at the moment. They are everywhere and I don’t know how I feel about them. The university asked them to be here to “protect the students” but the amount of fear on campus makes me question who the police are actually protecting... students haven’t been violent. Not majority, anyway. Isolated incidents, sure, but the general student body has condemned those individuals and have vowed to peaceful protests. It’s crazy at the moment. It’s absolutely insane, and so many people are being affected by this. 

The real crux, though, is an internal one I’m having. I don’t know where I am, and where we - as a country - are going to go. At this point, the risks of the academic year not being finished, and next year being a forced closure of my university, are very real. I may not finish this year, and may not have a university to go to next year either. 

This not only detriments current students, but if all need to repeat the year next year, what does that do to incoming university students? The universities will be at capacity, and will thus force matric learners to wait a year for a space to become available, causing a backlog of students taking forced gap-years before they can “fit” into the university. And am I expected to pay for next year again, if I don’t complete this year? It’s like paying again for a service I was promised, but didn’t get. But that further bankrupts the already debt-heavy universities so... Yeah. It’s bleak. It’s really fucking bleak.

Anyway, I’m not sure what else I intended to get across in this post, so I’ll sign off for now. Please come talk to me in my ask, over here. 

That’s my update, for the moment. I will hopefully have more to say at the end of this week. It looks pretty rough, but this country needs an outcome soon. 

Stay well, hope you’re all enjoying the small things. Keep ‘em close, ok?

x

ps. happy October! God how the time is flying by...

[consolidationsunday]

Seasons are changing

[listening to:  Ólafur Arnalds - Þú Ert Sólin]

[drinking: afternoon coffee]

[eating: slice of toast]

My absence last week was because I was in transit back to university. We left at 6 in the morning, and arrived shortly after 5 that evening. Was a pretty good drive, and I drove with Jonathan too, who’s a new friend I predict will become one my closest (although, having gone to high-school with him for 5 years, it’s surprising we only “met” at university).

Anyway, not much of an excuse, I admit, but I was exhausted for the rest of the night, and consolidating my week of uni vacation would’ve been rather mushy, emotional, full of stories of sunset-wine pairings, a couple really good family scrabble nights, and some of the best times I’ve had with my friends back home. So yeah, there’s the summary. Honestly no faults. I needed the break.

And, as it seems to be the case every time I come back from holiday nowadays, I hit the ground running this week. But I mean WOW. I had some work to finish over vac anyway, and it kind of still feels like 3rd term because of it...? I don’t know, it’s most bizarre, but I definitely had to re-tune my routine instantaneously. 

That said, this term will be exciting. 

My new push to revisit the positive self-insight I had last year turns me away from all this stress and whatever else that happened this week. Aside from that - because we manage, things will be OK - judging by this week alone, I’m genuinely looking ahead with a spark of exhilaration. 

I think this is really important, because outlook and expectation do a lot for what actually happens in one’s life. Call it self-efficacy or “The Law of Attraction,” it doesn’t really matter. But it is a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy at the end of the day.

I’m not just looking ahead with positive feelings for thinking that that is the only way I will achieve positive things, either, though. Rather, there are two inevitable experiences: I will encounter difficulty, possibly greater than I have faced before, and I will also encounter elation, possibly the greatest I have ever felt. Between those two, we have the choice of which to feed our energy into, and by choosing the latter we preemptively chip away at the weight that we’ll feel when we face the former. Thus, when struggles arise, the things we looked forward to will carry us through far quicker.

That’s an overly theoretical, explanation-dense ramble, but the point is that I can acknowledge both the bad and the good that’s to come, but this week has tempted me with the thought that the little milestones I can really get excited for in the next few weeks, will be more important to me than I realise.

There’s a few opportunities on the horizon, some for truly valuable friendships, some for really cool portfolio work and exhibitions. There’s a few cool events in the pipeline, and despite the amount of work I know I’m going to have to get through, there are considerably rewarding entities at the end of them all. 

I’m really trying this “shit happens” approach to life that I managed to pick up last year. It’s not necessarily about disregarding things for sake of life getting in the way, but it really helps in not dwelling on those things. I dwell-ed a lot last term. I dwell-ed a lot the term before. It really casts a dark cloud over one’s being. I really want to encourage you to practice reflection, internalisation, and letting go (the final stage being the most important). Don’t forget the lessons, but don’t stitch every experience onto your coat. 

I won’t disclose too many of the exciting things just yet. I don’t want to jynx them, and you also need to have reason a come back next week. Haha.

Look after yourselves. The seasons are changing, we can become vulnerable to change as well. If you need to make changes, now is the time. Otherwise, stay true to the course you’ve set yourself, and I’ll see you - having grown, matured, and blossomed - on the other side.

x

[consolidationsunday]

That home, build it, build that home

[listening to: The Cinematic Orchestra - That Home/To Build a Home (TEEZ Mashup)]

[drinking: cwoffee]

[eating: overnight muesli]

Only a week home, but I made the 800km ttrip back and I really need it. This term has felt like the busiest, most emotionally intense term I’ve had in a long time, and I know next term is going to be pretty similar. I get one deep inhale, and one deep exhale, and then it’s short, sharp breaths until December...

I actually am about to head out with my parents, to meet a good friend of mine, but I know the rest of the day will be busy too so I wanted to write a little post now while I’m still finishing my coffee. (3/4 of a cup left)

To be honest, this week went by quite smoothly. I’d like to think it’s because I’m realigning myself with last year’s resolutions, but I think it’s also partly because I had today to look out for. Coming home is always such a beautiful sensation, and every time I come back I notice how the trees have grown, how the seasons have added colour here, and put new life there. I see so much more when I don’t spend as much time here, and although I would prefer to be home for more than 3 months of the year, I actually find that I take less for granted this way. And that means a hell of a lot, because it’s easy to say you’ll appreciate the things around you more, but amidst the madness of life it’s more difficult to stay true to that.

So, I want to challenge you. Pretend you’ve been away for a year, and take a walk around your garden, your neighbourhood, your house, where-ever, and try see the things you might have not usually seen, or noticed. Imagine you’ve looked at a different ceiling for a year, and then lie on your floor and look at the one that’s been sheltering you everyday.

You’ll be amazed to see what you’ve missed.

I know I’ve rediscovered beauty in the past few weeks, and I’m not about to stop.

Chat soon, sorry about the short post this week. Spend the extra time appreciating the things you love.

x

[consolidationsunday]

From 0 to 180 in a moment of revelation

[listening to: Kodaline - All I want]

[drinking: chai]

[eating: lentil curry]

Last weekend was not a good headspace to write in. This week is better, and I’m going to start it like this:

Life is great, life will always be great, and life is in-and-of-itself a blessing and curse. It’s what we make of it, and I’m going to stop making it out to be as bad as I may have done in previous posts. Because it can’t be; not with all the beautiful people, beautiful nature, and beautiful experiences I’m surrounded by. 

Hi, how are things going?

I had a really important experience, and it came at a time when I was questioning why the universe was making me go through the things I was. All the stress, all the tears, all the uncertainty... it all came together in about an hour’s worth of hard-hitting reality. 

Admittedly, I went through something I would’ve given anything to avoid, because it has put me at the center of seeing a relationship I was quite attached to crack, and I don’t think I can do anything anymore to fix it. But the fact that those who owe me nothing took the time to talk to me, and show me something I can’t believe I hadn’t seen myself, is simply humbling. 

Basically, in finding myself through life, I think I became obsessed with over-analysing things in general (just as an aside: never a good idea). It made me fall into a habit that I didn’t have last year, one which directed me towards defeatism, rather than learning and growing from everything I experienced, be it good or bad. And it’s not that I haven’t been learning from things since then, but the attitude coming out of those experiences - particularly the not-so-great ones - took longer to become a growth of person. I was stuck in an introspective, solemn state for longer than I normally would, and that reflected in my blog posts, my daily interactions (brave-face aside), and general moods. 

Having that pointed out to me struck a cord. The cord was tense, but seeing it released a tension and uncertainty within me that brought tears to my eyes. Losing composure in front of people I respect is not something I enjoy, but it was too cathartic an experience at that moment in time. I’m sorry to the person who saw that, but I can’t believe you took the time to make me aware of that.

In light of this, I’ve been working on my chin-up approach. I’ve chosen happier music for the blog post, and I’ve tried to look at things a little more like how I would’ve last year. Although I fear the relationship I most affected in my regressive emotional state is probably never going to be the same (which I can’t even blame them for, and will take a while to really learn to negotiate and respect with the sensitivity they deserve), I see why the universe took such drastic measures to correct my state of mind. Where I was heading wasn’t where I would’ve been proud to go. And I needed the nudge to put me back on the road I had settled into last year.

So, a toast! *lifts cup of chai*: To seeing the good in everything, no matter what it is; to being blessed by life; to being surrounded by beauty in all its forms, and all its unexpected shapes; to being guided by the universe, and to the trust is never breaks; to those who make waking up worth it; to the new friends who remind us of what true friendship means; and to us, as human beings, as imperfect energies in an otherwise perfect universe, fighting to be the best we can, and to make a difference in at least one person’s life. 

I hope you can forgive me for the time it’s taken to realise - and be reminded - that life doesn’t have to be hard. As Benjamin Hoff wrote, if you’re struggling, you’re doing something wrong. We should be a leaf in the river, not a stick, and flow around the rocks as the water carries us. That is where we will find our happiness, and that is how we will be able to find true meaning while we live out our time on earth.

G’Night. Stay positive. I know for sure that I’m going to try harder from now on.

x

[consolidationsunday]

Make me a robot.

[listening to: Dodie Clarke - Make me a Robot]

[drinking: n/a]

[eating: n/a]

This post summarises a few weeks of what felt like hell.

It’s safe to say that I’m ready for anything that doesn’t involve needing to be a human. So, please, can someone make me a robot. Please.

What I thought was a light load of work at the start, multiplied exponentially into something quite overwhelming. It probably would’ve been manageable had house-viewings, favours, errands, shopping, cooking, dancing, and the other things we fill our days with (and mine, especially at the moment) not been such a big commitment as well. There’s just a lot to do, and then there’s also a lot going on, and my entire being is exhausted, and simply finished with even trying anymore. It’s someone else’s turn to try. 

I’ve been crying for majority of the day. I’ll admit to that. It’s simply the surmounting pressure of a few week’s worth of “brave faces” melting away. My vulnerability showed today, and it did so while I packed my grocery bag, but I’m OK with that. 

What does hit me quite hard, though, is that I’m still recklessly optimistic. I think I can make everyone happy, and that I need to be friends with everyone, to the point that when someone points out I offended them I’m cripple. I collapse. I blame myself for causing them despair, and stress, and completely avoidable anguish. And it hurts. And it sticks with me, like a relentless itchy bite, re-surfacing whenever I’m by myself, and I scratch it until its raw.

But most of these instances are misunderstandings, and I’m tried countless times to clear the air, desperately, to make things right, to apologise, to assure the person that it’s not like that at all - and it never is. I’m not a revengeful person, I’m not trying to catch anyone out, or make people’s lives difficult. I respect - at the very least - a person’s humanity. And I will treat them as a being, like myself, and I have never and will never falter on that oath.

And I know people might read this, and know its with reference to something that has happened between us, and I’m here to try one final time to say: it’s not that. It really isn’t. I will give up anything to prove that. And if you cannot at least forgive me, then I’m going to stop trying, because then it’s obvious you don’t want me in your life anymore. And that’s OK. As long as I know that I shouldn’t even try anymore, because you don’t want my reconciliation. I’ve got no energy left to fight against the stream. 

If all you want to see is negative in life, then that’s all life is going to be, and I’m sorry that I tried but couldn’t change that. And I wish you the sincerest best for your road ahead. Honestly. As I said earlier, whoever you are, and whatever I feel for you, I respect you as a human at the bare minimum, and because of that I wish you a life of abundance, and happiness. And I hope you find it. 

You don’t have to believe me. Just let me have this as my final word.

The song I’m listening to is peaceful. It’s honest. It relates to a lot of what I’m feeling. Ending one’s life is the wrong escape, but ending one’s life as a human to become something without feeling, duty, emotion, soul... Something - albeit a bit strange to say - is oddly appealing about that. 

I’m sorry this post was a downer. I’ll “chin-up” by next week hopefully. You’ll get the better “me” then. For now, go rest. Make this week count. 

x

[consolidationsunday]

Existential fetal position

[listening to: Phillip Poisel - Liebe Meines Lebens]

[drinking: ginger lemon and honey tea]

[eating: the lemon pieces in my tea]

Definitely hit the ground running this week. Damn. 

University started pretty slow, but I soon realised that was a false sense of security, as by the time Friday came I was curled up in an existential fetal position on my bed. Now it’s Sunday, and I think I’m on top of things again, but I also thought winter was over and I’m pretty much numb all over, so, you know...

That aside, a lot of things happened this week. So many, in fact, that I feel like the entire term went by already. I think it has something to do with the combination of university commitments and other adulty-life things, but the week ended with quite a bit of weight that dawned on me as things I need to commit to. 

I’m busy starting up a company with a friend (which I can’t disclose much on yet, sorry!), I’m helping another friend with photographs of his drama production, I have a dance competition, workshop-weekend, and showcase coming up that need extra practices, I’ve got the worst course of my 4-year degree this semester, I’m house-and-pet sitting, I’ve got to look for and view new apartments for next year (as I currently no longer have a home next year whoop whoop)... and I guess those things just became very real this week, and left me pretty down and overwhelmed. 

And I do genuinely work better under pressure, but the bizarrely irritating thing is that I only know I’m doing too much when I’m knee-deep in too much to actually not just finish and pull through it all. So, there’s that, and I can feel that I am going to shoot myself for this at some point (but then when it’s done I’ll forget it ever happened). 

Still, I need the money from some of those things, and I do genuinely want tot do them all, so it’s a tough call to make at this point. Like I said, I feel like I’m on top of things for now, and believe you me: when shit hits the fan, you’ll know. 

Anyway.

What’s new? 

There seems to be a lot going on in the world at the moment, both socially and politically. It’s great to still be in touch with the 70-odd journalism students from around the world I met last year, as I get pretty relevant and topical updates on world news and world affairs. Perks, right?

The sad thing is that the stuff that’s going on isn’t always so pleasant, and you really have to search hard to find the positive news online. It’s nothing new, and I mean flip I’m a journalism student, this is what we’re taught every day. But it doesn’t mean it sits uncomfortably with me. I get that shocking news “sells” but the things we’re learning about positive psychology in my Psych2 course actually hold some significant relevance. Essentially, telling someone what’s wrong instead of what’s right inhibits moving forward to greater things. It’s a bit more in-depth than that, but you catch my drift. There’s a place for “bad news,” but it shouldn’t hold such a monopoly on the things we hear about in the media. 

Sorry, slight diversion. 

Ok, I need to get dressed into warmer clothes and fill up my tea. I hope you guys got something from reading that - I didn’t actually put a lot of thought into writing something with a moral or a value... sorry.

Please let me know how you’re feeling? Just add a /ask to the end of the blog’s url, and let’s chat.

Until next weekend.

Keep cerealing.

x

[consolidationsunday]

Round 2.... fight.

[listening to: Jamie Cullum – While I'm around]

[drinking: strong coffee]

[eating: leftovers from last night]

 So vacation is over, I'm away from home for another 6 weeks, and this will be the third term of my second year at uni. Wow.

I realise my blogging has been rather infrequent recently. It doesn't feel great, really, but I also would prefer to write when I feel like I have something to tell you. I don't want to post just because I feel like I should. I want these things to have some sort of value, both for you and for myself.

 A vacation is a vacation, and it's tough to say they aren't good. But considering how it started, and how I felt, and how other people felt about me, it's actually been pretty OK. I always leave home thinking I could have still done more, but I find that goes for most things, so I've stopped letting that get to me. But I had a few disagreements that cut into my conscience, lingered on my mind for a while, and had me questioning who I was and where I wanted to be. It put me out for a good few days, emotionally anyway, so I wasn't really “there” for the things I did over those few days. It's like being preoccupied, and I can't tell you what I did over that period because I was completely “not there,” if that makes sense.

 It was through talking to a friend that I decided I couldn't do much about it, at least not then anyway, and so I managed to set it down and focus on the people in my immediate surroundings. That was pretty significant for me, and I found I had a better presence in the things I was doing while on vacation.

 Still, no vacation of mine is complete without a major shock-to-the-system, and once again I came face-to-face with life's futility. A death of someone close to you, or close to someone close to you, has a profound impact on the way you see life. It's sad to think that we need those kinds of reminders to realign our perspectives and value systems, and I hope that me telling you this counts as your reminder, so you don't have to go through something as emotional.

 The point is, you really never know when the last time you get to see someone is going to be. Yeah, it's a pessimistic thing to think, but the sooner one accepts that, the sooner one can put true value above what we think we should value.

 I'm guilty of being overly cautious with money, and overly pedantic about schedules and time, and it took a long time for me to be able to put that aside and grow above material value. Only this year, really, have I been able to spend more money on seeing friends, and spend less energy on how I'm going to afford the rent, that new jumper, petrol, etc.; and spend less time worrying about my time and organisation and work, and spend more time with the people that matter.

 That extra hundred you spend on petrol won't matter when you get to learn something new from your friend; that extra day you wanted to spend on your essay won't matter when that's the day your friend tells you they're going to be father; that extra stupid hour you wanted to lie in bed willmean absolutely nothing when it's the only hour your friend has in their 9-to-5 job. And you won't miss that Facebook post as much as the you will the time you could've spent playing Scrabble, with your parents, at home, all cozy.

 It took a while for me to realise that I value what I'm told to value, but I really have stopped caring about as much as I used to. I don't mind a day on the road if it means I get to see three different people, and spend even an hour with them over a coffee. I couldn't ask for anything more valuable.

 And I realised how lucky I am, once again. I have friends who can teach me an endless amount of things. I have friends who answer their phones at any time of the day. I have friends who I can call just before I leave to see them, and they'll make the time. I have friends who like photography, who like crafting, who like music, who like wine, who like shopping, who like the simplicity of sitting on a couch and talking for a solid two hours. I can unload, I can relax, I can get excited about things... It's more than I would ever want, and I really try to remind them of how special they are as often as I can.

 And I see all too often how people take family for granted. I make it my mission to make every second I get with my mum and dad to be something I will remember for the rest of my life. Washing dishes, driving in the car... whatever the situation, I try talk about something interesting that I might recall to a colleague in 10 years time and be reminded of that moment. I hope that you can do the same, because time really is fleeting, and one tends to realise it in the final hour, when you wish you still had another day left.

 It's probably because I count the time down to when my bus leaves home, and so I know the feeling of not getting another night at home and wishing you had done so much more. Granted, I know I'm coming back, but I guess that's because I'm lucky. And I'm lucky to be so lucky. But I also know I'm lucky, so nothing is taken for granted and I don't think it's a luck I'm going to have forever.

 Anyway, that's quite introspective, and a bit of a downer for a Sunday evening. I hope the message stays though, and I really hope it inspires you to spend more quality time with people you care about.

 Uni starts tomorrow, and yeah I'm nervous. This term will be short but intense. Fingers crossed I survive, and I hope – where-ever you are – that you're finding the value in your own life, and in yourself.

 x

[consolidationsunday]

Roots.

[listening to:  Axel Flóvent - literally any song. literally. I’ll choose one just now and add it to this blog’s playlist, but damn. Such good music.]

[drinking: coffee]

[eating: breakfast]

HOME. Only took 12 weeks, 5 exams, and 800-odd km to get here, sheesh. 

It’s one of the holidays that stretch over just less than a month, in the middle of winter (which, to be honest, has been really mild thus far, but I think it’s going to hit quite hard in the next 7 days so I don’t want to speak too soon just yet!), and without any school projects to worry about. I get 21 days of complete relaxation and detachment from anything and everything university, except the day I get my exam results, but that’s usually a reason to celebrate, so I’m not too phased.

You know the thing I mentioned in my last post, last week? Yeah, well, it’s been cancelled, and I’m not sure what the universe is trying to tell me, or trying to teach. I have really internalised the energy of the universe as something which sends very specific events and feelings to an individual, and that everything will and must happen for a reason. But this particular upheaval of plans and emotions just doesn’t make sense yet.

It’s difficult to explain, and to try and get you to relate, but if you imagine being asked to do something you are really excited to do, but a certain person messes things up for you, and results in you no longer being able to do said thing. Then, you get another opportunity to do it, which renews your hopes and excitement, but again the plan falls through. This happens once more, by which time you’re too fed up with the drama, stress, and general “is it happening or not” atmosphere, that you’re really not that excited anymore but would still do it for your friends who still want to go. When that all falls through the cracks again, you’re left rather deflated and exhausted, and oddly frustrated, and wondering what the hell all that time, and effort, and excitement was for.

That’s the best I can describe it, unfortunately, but I just wish I could see the deeper lesson behind this whole experience (which happened within about the 12 weeks I was away for) now that I’m home again, and calm, and have time for thinking and reflecting. But I can’t. I don’t see it. 

I’m really rigid with my planning, and don’t like things that aren’t on what I expected or what I planned, so I guess the universe could be trying to remind me that things don’t always go according to plan. The fluctuation of things happening and then not happening is perhaps something I need to get used to, and this whole ordeal was a healthy - albeit unfair, in the end, for those involved anyway - experience. 

There was also a lot of self-restraint that I needed. I got so irritated at times that I couldn’t really get anything done. I could’ve completely lost my cool, and given up, and thrown all my toys out the cot. But myself and others needed to approach things with a clear mind, and I do think that was something I don’t often get to practice, or get to carry through the way I intend to.

Anyway, that’s all in the past now, and I think I might let myself dwell on it for the rest of the coming week and then really just let it go once and for all. 

I’m busy with little projects here at home, which is a nice way to keep myself productively busy while I vegetate with ample amounts of coffee and homely-love, haha. I’ve got some series and movies on my “to-watch-list” and I’ll be doing quite a bit of writing (both for work, and for a book I’m trying to get off the ground) and crafting stock for j.ypsy, my online shop thing.

So there’s enough to do, and I have a lot of soul-touching I need to do, with some people I really don’t see often anymore. It’s sad, but I appreciate every single second I spend with them so much more when they’re as limited as they are. It’s a tough reality, but it’s one I need to navigate as long as I’m studying so far away from home.

Hope you are all flourishing, and if any of you find the need to talk to me, then please do. My ears (and inbox) are always open.

x

[consolidationsunday]

Ready.

[listening to: City and Colour - Against the Grain]

[drinking: morning cuppa]

[eating: muesli, nuts, dates and apple]

Firstly, this blog’s birthday week was really good. My two exams went pretty well, and although I don’t think they correlate to a virtual text-post archive’s year anniversary, I’m going to say it’s the positive energy anyway. 

But otherwise there’s been a recent sense of closure in some areas of my life. It’s a weird thing to be thankful or grateful for, but it just feels like a lots less thinking is being wasted on those things. They were in a kind of limbo-state, and I won’t go into detail because it really is long and tedious and not as interesting as it may sound right now, but in essence there was a lot of waiting and not-knowing. Things were at a point where they could’ve gone one of two ways, and their eventual direction affected quite a few things. Even though the decisions that have been made and the outcomes that have been reached aren’t necessarily what I want anymore, despite being something I did want previously, I’m just happy I know what I’m doing. I need to bite the bullet, suck it up, and dance, even though I have zero motivation to do so anymore. 

The chiming sound in my ears is of course “well that’s life,” but at the same time it brings to mind a quote I read/heard a while ago, which said that if life is hard, or if you’re tensing and fighting against the flow, then you’re doing something wrong. It isn’t often that we’re made to see it from that perspective, but I think it’s such an important lesson to keep in mind. Life shouldn’t be hard; it should be something we ride, something we go along with, and if we’re struggling or battling against it then we’re at an imbalance. 

It’s quite a zen insight, and something Buddhism teaches quite a lot of, but I do think it’s worth reminding yourself about, and although I need to do a few things I don’t feel so happy about anymore, rather than seeing it as a hurdle I need to get over, or a mountain I need to climb, I’m trying to use the other perspective, the Buddhist insight, that it’s simply a case of letting it take me to where it takes me, because ultimately that road will lead to something positive, something valuable, and something I was always meant to reach.

The holidays are around the corner of the week, and my last exam is on Wednesday. I honestly cannot wait. This term has been an emotional rollercoaster, from the rape culture protests, to the Naked Protests and demonstrations on the university campus, to the shit-storm of celebrity deaths, to the tragic occurences around the world - especially over the last few weeks - to the stress of these exams and the stress of the up-coming dance competition... I am just so ready to let go for a while. To be home, to be distanced from the world somewhat, or at least closer to some kind of security and comfort. I am not sure what I’d do without the opportunity to take a breather from everything here at university, and close that gap of 800km between myself and home for even a week’s rest. It’s truly a blessing.

I’m also going to view a property tomorrow morning, for a house my parents are possible going to buy here where I study. A friend - who would be my digsmate if that plan works out - is coming as well, and I’m a little excited. It’s a cottage, and not a flat, and it isn’t house-sized either, so I think the balance could be exactly what I’ve always wanted. It’s only a viewing, but I’m really crossing fingers that things work out. It would be the perfect place to spend the rest of university in.

Other than that, I’m very mellow (thanks for asking). It’s at that point of the year where loose change is spent on a drink every now and again, exam pads and pens have run out completely, and meals consist of eggs and potatoes. I am ready. Ready to go home, ready to relax, ready to detach, ready to enjoy and appreciate the city I have taken for granted once too often,

x

[consolidationsunday]

today, we turn 1.

[listening to: Frances - Grow]

[drinking: coffee]

[eating: bowl of muesli]

No, it isn’t Sunday, but Sunday wasn’t our year’s anniversary since the first ever post on this blog... so, I thought skipping a few days couldn’t hurt. Not like I stick to Sundays anymore anyway, right? Haha.

Anyway! Yeah, I think it’s a kind of special day today. Not because I just wrote an exam, or because it’s pretty cold and all I want - but can’t have - is glühwein, but because it’s come around full circle, where I find myself in a constant: writing the same thing, drinking the same thing, and eating the same thing as I did 1 whole year ago. It’s a really weird thing, being able to position oneself in exactly the same set of circumstances, regardless of what happens in between those two moments. I wish people were more aware of that, because it happens surprisingly often.

Even just returning home, after a long semester, you sleep in the same bed as you did when you lost your first tooth (that memory might change for someone who moved a lot, but you get my point). There’s this continuity in the places we come back to, and if we could only realise those places, then we could use them as checkpoints, and as reminders for how quickly time goes by, and how insignificant some of the things we worry about become in the grander scheme of things.

This year that’s gone by between last June and today is a weird one, because it isn’t often that I think about a year ending and beginning that isn’t on the 31st December. It’s a weird split, but I guess an important one. I always thought new year’s resolutions were silly, because by November, you’ve probably forgotten what you decided you’d do, and the things you have achieved were probably things that you’d wanted to do for ages anyway. This mid-year reflection is actually pretty cool, and I don’t have time to reflect on here right now - I’m still writing exams, and have a big-ish one tomorrow, eek! - but I do want to dare YOU to reflect as well. Instead of buying me a present for turning 1, do me a favour: look a the person you were at the end of the last year, the person you wanted to be at the start of this year, and the person you are now. Have you changed? Have you stayed true to yourself? And what about other people... have they moved on? Have you impacted their lives somehow? Have you appreciated their presence in your life recently?

Pretend it’s someone’s birthday, make them a card, give them a phone call, send them a Whatsapp... just celebrate the mid-year, and treat it like a fresh start. Why not? This life is yours - ours - to make it what we want it to be.

It’s never to late to turn 1 all over again.

x

[consolidationsunday]

Gomenasai, mina-san.

[listening to: Japanese Koto Music]

[drinking: strong coffee]

[eating: swiss muesli]

So, it’s been a month. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been this bad with anything before. I feel really terrible, and I’d be lying if I said there hasn’t been a significant part of me missing (”naw, shucks!”) but I will fill you in as best I can, and I’ll do a total being-breakdown and let you know how I’ve been over what has been the most demanding 4 weeks in a while. 

So you know how people have “hell weeks” at uni around the time just before exams? Well, I had one, and then another, and then another. I would really love to catch you up on everything that happened over those 21 days, and the other 7 that followed, but it really wouldn’t be worth reading, frankly. It’s a big chunk of days blending into days, and stress throwing any hope of sleeping patterns and sanity out of the window. Imagine that you’re trying to learn how to ride a bicycle, and it’s really hot because the ground is on fire, and the bicycle is on fire too, and so is everything else because you’re in hell. Well, yeah, that’s what things felt like more or less.

Granted, I had some pretty extraordinary moments in between, and needless to say they involve some mini-epiphanies and the few I’m lucky enough to call “friends.” But I really just had one of the most intense past few weeks, and I am really, really, feeling it.

This week was as if all the exhaustion that I forced myself to hold back in order to get things done just flooded my entire being, like a dam wall that’s been cracking and fracturing in multiple places, and then just finally exploding. I just felt drained and demotivated. 

It’s been a bit better this week, and I’m starting to pick pieces up and replant some of the flowers that uprooted during the chaos. But in terms of productivity regarding uni, and work, and you know exams, I haven’t nailed down as much as I would have liked to, so I’m crossing fingers for tomorrow and beyond. 

Anyway, here’s that being-breakdown I mentioned earlier. It’ll summarise a lot without leaving too much out, I promise. Just easier to digest. Consider it... mama-bird chewing your food for you, yeah? (Well there’s an analogy, haha)

MENTAL:

Probably the hardest hit, to be honest. The amount of thinking and organising and needing to remember dates and times and schedules, while still retaining university work, really took a toll of my mental health. That isn’t to say I turned into a psychopath, but I was really exhausted from constantly needing to fire neurons in my brain to the point that I didn’t think as clearly as I could have, and studying was really difficult because of the sheer amount of “stuff” going on in my head. That hasn’t completely cleared just yet, and I’m still struggling to get down, focus, and study, but having significant fewer due-dates for assignments really helped a lot, so I’m recovering and recuperating from that slowly.

SPIRITUAL:

This one is interesting, and I am actually really proud of the way in which I was able to stick relatively true to the things I’ve been teaching myself to live by. That steadfast-ness of new lessons, perspectives, insights, etc., in times of such stress and emotional upheaval makes me positive that I’ve adopted them and can stick to them. They’re not always major, and are often small things like not letting work be an excuse for missing out on helping or seeing a friend. But despite the colossal amount I had to get through, I still stayed true to those mantras, and I’m really really proud that I did.

EMOTIONAL:

Obviously this was like a friggin jack-in-a-box! One day I was really productive and could shout my name to the stars, and other days I wanted to pack my things and leave. But this is nothing new, and I’ve learnt to stop myself each time I’m feeling rubbish, and remind myself that it’s temporary, and it’s trying to stop me from succeeding. It ties into how I kept my spiritual thinking on track, and I’ve managed to clamp down on the emotional stress that comes with university stress. It’s still leveling out, but at least I have time again to see friends, go for runs, go for walks, enjoy nature, and other little sanity-sparks, so my mood is never bad for too long at a time. And my parents really kept me going, as always, but that’s a given, and I’m really lucky that it is a given.

PHYSICAL:

OK, FINE, YOU GOT ME. I haven’t been running as often as I could’ve been. BUT! My stretching is getting deeper, and I’m really stoked to think that I can start enjoying yoga and making it more of a routine. My flexibility and muscle control has really improved, and I’m busy trying to get onto my forearms for hollow-backs and other poses that require good core. But with the extra time, and now that my recovery week is over, I’m hoping to start running again, especially as dancing is less frequent during exams, to keep up cardio and keep renewing the oxygen in my body, which is super important as long as I’m writing exams and studying.

... see, being-breakdowns are pretty neat, hey?

But yes, my body has taken a toll and I’m only just starting to feel it breathe deeply again. I’m really looking forward to wrapping things up this side, and getting a much-needed holiday back home. It feels like it’s been forever and a day.

Before I end this post, there are two Japanese words I learnt in the past weeks - pretty coincidentally for this post, actually - that I want to share with you...

The first, yugen, or the profound awareness of the universe that triggers a deep emotional meaning. It’s something which has become particularly relevant to me this year, and is something which I’ve been trying to attain more and more of, without consciously being able to verbalise it. The idea that a word exists makes me more hopeful that I might actually, well, you know, “get it” one day. And it really strikes such a cord with me, because there are a number of occasions where I’ve looked at something, or stopped to notice something, and it instantly brought tears to my eyes, or made me ecstatically happy. It’s so difficult to describe, but I remember a sunset once, on an evening run, that just gave me such an ineffable positivity. Have you ever experienced that?

The second word is ikigai, or a reason for being and the thing that gets you up in the morning. This is more something that I have been trying to find for a long time, and always ends up being one of those “meaning of life” quests you just make a post-it of and forget about. But it really has made me think, and even though I don’t think I’ll ever be able to answer it, or find my ikigai, I don’t think that is its purpose... (*cue deep philosophical insight!*) ... I reckon that ikigai is what makes us re-evaluate the things we value in life, and reflect on the path we’re on, or the things we’re filling our life with. I always ask myself now whether university is what I really want to do, or whether trying to grow this friendship is more harmful than beneficial, or whether those decisions I make on a daily basis are the right ones... It’s almost a mental-check, a self-evaluation form, that you use to make sure you are not necessarily on the “right” path - because I don’t believe any path is more right than the other, that each has another lesson, another way, another hurdle, but the same destination - but to make sure you are following YOUR path and not the path someone else is telling you to follow.

With that, it is time to sign-off and get myself ready for the day. Thank you for being patient and not losing faith in this little blogger’s presence. I am back, and I promise I’m going to stay. Promise.

x

[consolidationsunday]

My To-Do List: The Novel

[listening to: Jamie Cullum - High and Dry]

[drinking: glühwein]

[eating: glühwein]

People often tell me that I’m always so busy, that I do so much, that I never have free-time... And yeah, I guess it’s true to a certain extent. My list of things to do is - as the title suggests - long, and I’m constantly writing a chapter to the end of it, while editing the previous chapters at the same time. It’s exhausting, but it’s an ironic process and, to be honest, I wouldn’t know what I’d do without it.

By nature, I work better and more efficiently with a little bit of pressure to edge me along. The minute I have nothing to do, I lose motivation and I slump into an emotional and physically mess. I thrive off having plans and schedules and meetings and errands and projects and work and and and... It gets tiring, don’t get me wrong, but if I manage everything well then the benefits are not only two-fold, but have positive effects on all other areas in my life.

Granted, everything in moderation; I won’t deny that. But if I have a lot of things to get done, I tend to finish way ahead of schedule, which often leaves me with spare time at the end, and gives me those periodic breaths-of-air in between the chaos. Those I use for me-time and socialising, so it balances itself out well. Give me too much time, and I push things back later and later until a bunch of other things catch up with me, and then all of a sudden I peak my stress level and I not only produce work of a lower quality, but I don’t have that break before the entire cycle starts again.

Following on from that, for some reason the stuff I do when I’m under pressure is always so much better than when I have too much time to do it. Now, that does come with exceptions, but I tend to get through more and get through it better, or least more confidently, as compared to when I meander through doing something. I guess it could be because I can’t really afford myself enough time to overthink things - and both my intuition and gut are pretty damn good - which means I get it done and move on pretty efficiently.

Also, my mood is always so much higher when I have a list of things to check-off moment by moment. It’s like a bizarre physical, mental, emotional sensation of achieving things that gives me more motivation to continue. It’s a self-sufficient snow-ball system that, provided I keep it going, means I keep a really healthy and really feel-good momentum. It’s depressing when I lose that momentum, and 90% of my down-days are a result of losing that momentum.

Being so busy all the time also gives me new perspective, for which I have a genuine addiction. Aside from me dabbling my fingers into everything, and trying everything, and experiencing everything, and being on this committee and organising that event and taking on that position and doing those subjects... it also makes the time I do have off so incredibly meaningful. 

When I sit down with a friend, or family member, I engage with it and make memory of it as best I can, because I don’t know when next I’ll have this opportunity. If I read, I really try and imagine the scene, and digest the narrative, so that I can take something away from that 30 minutes I spend by myself. It’s a way of keeping-check of the things that I actually value in life, and the detachment from them on a 24/7 basis acts as a significant reminder that, “hey, this is special, don’t be distracted, live in this moment and only this moment.”

So yeah, you know, I am busy, but that’s what keeps me going. It’s one of those things.

I’ve been pretty swamped after last week’s lose-of-momentum (hint: yes, my moods were LOW), and I’m busy trying to catch-up a bit. I’ve been organising an entire competition which will be a fundraiser for my dance-club, I’ve been at dance practices and a competition this weekend (I did really well, so that was a really awesome reward for the work and time I’ve put in), I have university starting to pick-up again after the recent protests and shutdown, there were those as well... Things are just at that point right now, and I’m dealing with it as best I can, which is to make a to-do list, to stick to it, and to get it done, even if it means I’ll be writing another chapter or two a day.

Point is: I can’t afford to stagnate. Not now. I want to create value for myself, and work towards a momentum that allows me to be as productive as I want to be.

Cheerio amigos. Until next weekend (hopefully, haha).

x

[consolidationsunday]

We will not stand down.

[listening to: Laura Mvula feat Snarky Puppy - Sing to the Moon]

[drinking: ice water]

[eating: peanuts and raisins]

[potential trigger warning, although nothing explicit or graphic, I promise]

Damn, where to start...

I missed last week’s post, but it was another one of those weeks for me where I wasn’t emotional enough to have things to say, or motivated enough to write a post. So I do apologise for that. It’s just something I need to work through, I guess. I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m here now, and this will be worth it. Promise. Let me start by explaining the picture.

This week saw the upheaval of a social injustice, by the anonymous posting of a list of alleged rapists onto my university’s SRC Facebook page. Essentially, rape culture has been a topic of conversation for a while, and this just blew up this week, leading to mass protests, naked protests, and even police coming in with rubber bullets, tear gas, and pepper spray, as well as students getting arrested. If you want all the details, there is comprehensive coverage on the website of the student paper I work for, here: http://activateonline.co.za. Definitely worth the reading, I promise. It’s incredible what these students have gone through this week.

But anyway, I don’t want to discuss this too in-depth, because not only is it sensitive and triggering for some, but it also shouldn’t be up for discussion. Rape isn’t OK. Period.

I do, however, have some feelings around this protest and this movement that I need to verbalise and mull over. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster, and the university academic programme was shut down. The picture I took above was at tonight’s vigil, mourning the loss of the female body to a patriarchal society, and the loss of basic humanity in the face of sexual violence. It also just kind of consolidated the week past, and the way forward.

What strikes me about this picture is the age of this little girl. It made me think about how seldom we consider exactly how our actions today might affect the lives of people her age tomorrow, or even those not yet born in the years after our death. The changes we’re fighting for now are undoubtedly positive in principle, but a lot of the things we’re fighting to change also cannot be altered in a day, and this is something I’m scared people are forgetting about.

Be it climate change, feminism, anti-rape, anti-racism... these are all systems entrenched in society, and I do agree that shock factors like this week’s events are undeniably important, it is the sustaining of these issues in everyday conversation that will inevitably bring the change we are sweating for, bleeding for, and crying for. A radical week of disruption is not enough, and it needs to be negotiated as something that is maintained unapologetically for the rest of humanity, but withing the scope of not detracting from other people’s rights...

If we were to shutdown the university for the rest of the year, that might indeed make a big dent in what university management will do about rape culture and the likes. But what does that do to the kids who are as hungry for education as you are for justice to your perpetrators?

I understand you cannot go to your lectures, because you are forced to sit next to your rapist, and be silent, and embarrassed, and powerless... but the only way forward is to rally the law against them, and lay charges. They need to be removed from society, not told to stay at home and not come to lectures because of a shutdown.

Anyway, the fact of the matter remains: what I’ve seen womxn (and men) stand up and say this week has been really moving. Courage and bravery from all fronts, no doubt, and I only hope this continues for a good time to come. 

Anyway... I’ve kind of slumped, heavily and lazily, over my general nonchalance towards work. I feel like I’m on top of things, but I also don’t think I’m producing the best work I can. To be fair, I haven’t received as many marks back as I did this time last year, but still... my confidence in work, if not journalism-related, isn’t where it used to be, and that really gets me down.

I’ve gotten closer to new friends, which is such a great feeling, and I’ve really started getting the hang of managing the cooking and cleaning part of living in a flat, while still getting work done. I’m gyming more now too, and doing runs every now and again, so that’s a bonus too.

You know, I always reflect and realise that I really don’t have anything to be upset about, which makes me wonder if I’m looking for a reason to be upset... Can’t say why, because it isn’t even about the attention, at all. Maybe I just need that companionship, but I also somehow don’t. Again, that could be denial due to bad luck and inability thus far - y’know, justifying myself because otherwise it’s depressing - but also I can’t say that’s totally true. I struggle to focus with everything that’s going on anyway, and balancing yet another social relationship doesn’t seem something I can handle at the moment. There’s someone, perhaps, and she’d understand, and I can see a good teamwork, but I also am in the mindset of leaving at a moment’s notice, and those kind of commitments tie me down, to a certain degree, which I for some seemingly-illogical reason consider legitimate.

WOW.

Anyway, that’s that for now.

I hope this wasn’t too irrelevant. A bit lengthy, so...

TLDR: rape isn’t OK. this was an emotional week. the future holds change. and i’m in a very limbo kinda mood (neither here nor there, up nor down, yada yada). 

Thanks for reading, chat next weekend.

x

PS. Game of Thrones, guys. It’s here. Wow.