@coolcatpancakes - Tumblr Blog

novaangelofgays-deactivated2020

People allergic to peanuts: keep peanuts as far away from me as possible or I’ll die

People allergic to shellfish: no shrimp pls I don’t wanna die today

Lactose intolerant people:*while eating ice cream* the weight of my sins drags me closer to hell but I sit in a throne higher than God’s

whitepeopletwitter

tophatandboots

New sewing machine: Nooo I need software updates.

My 1904 Singer 15: Just put your back into treadling, I can sew through more layers than you dare to attempt and I will still sew through them when the sun burns out if you remember to oil me

marzipanandminutiae

My digital watch from like 2004: perma-dead. You think a new battery will help? It laughs at your pain. It mocks your futile scrambling. Nothing can bring it back

My pocket watch from 1872: tick tock bitch

labias

not to dictate your life but drop your shitty friends

neilnevins-deactivated20240617

Had a dream that McDonald’s had a big ad campaign that just said “WE HAVE IT” in black cryptic writing. So I went to a drive thru and said “I saw the sign. Can I have it” and the speaker was silent for a solid ten seconds before saying “do you think you’re ready” in my voice and I screamed and drove away

prokopetz

The ultimate power move in a vampire/fairy rivalry would be the fairy inviting the vampire over for tea. The vampire has natural dominion over anyone who invites them into their home, the fairy has natural dominion over anyone who violates the laws of hospitality, and neither can refuse the appointment without showing weakness, so it’d just be a constant headgame of the vampire trying to manoueuvre the fairy into a position where the obligations of hospitality allow the vampire to eat them, and the fairy trying to trick the vampire into doing something that would allow the fairy to declare them a poor guest.

lynati

You know EVENTUALLY they’re going to get hit with the magical equivalent of being snowed in together, right?

guardiankarenterrier

is

is that not the point

brunhiddensmusings

next paradox -faeries have power over those who eat fey food -vampires have power over those they feed on even should the vampire successfully bite the faerie theyre still at square one

krystal-prisms

Schrodinger’s hospitality rules

I ship it.

how write book?

like that but more

oh noooooo

can we all agree that being overdressed is a myth made up by boring stuffy people who are too worried about other people’s lives and don’t want you to have fun

lizzibennet

conversely, can we all agree that being underdressed is a myth made up by stuffy classist people who are too worried about other people’s lives and don’t want you to be comfortable or happy

sweaterweathertechno

lizzibennet

holy shit

wodneswynn-deactivated-deactiva

I will be removing myself from situations

wodneswynn-deactivated-deactiva

If something is happening, well, I certainly don't want anything to do with that

ruinedchildhood

moltres

sistertaxon

NASA scientist: you’re back early…

astronaut: (grabbing bendy straw) moon’s wet

lolt64

i cant keep learning news like this

tess-mercer

boeing747

what if a garden gnome is just the larval stage of a wizard

crimewave420

eva-420

honestly that baby tattoo story is already so surreal and implausible i dont have the heart to tell anyone that it also has a party hat and he refers to it as party baby and i still dont know whos baby it is

teamrocketing

thinking about my optometrist who was treating my eye infection and said “if it hurts, you can rinse your eye with boiled water. look at me - look at me. i want you to understand that i mean water that has been boiled and has since cooled down. not boiling water. do you understand?” like i’m so grateful for this man ensuring that I wouldn’t destroy my eyes by pouring boiling water in it, because it is an adequate assessment of my intelligence