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@countingthefallen
update / hiatus
hello to all my beautiful people and ED fighters. I regret to inform that I've relapsed very hard and therefore I won't be online as much, as I don't want to post triggering content on this blog. It's a pro-recovery blog with occasional thought posts (with trigger warnings of course) but I feel like I will start posting too triggering content eventually. We all deserve to recover and I hope this will be my insight very soon. Love you all :) stay positive and safe! x
reminder
drink some water
take your meds
look in the mirror and smile!Â
youâre beautiful and iâm proud of you
you should be proud of you too
Explaining an Eating Disorder
Itâs being woken up at 4 am because your stomach is growling and it hurts.
Itâs midnight binges because you have only eaten 300 calories that day.
Itâs not eating past 7 o clock because you want to give your body time to get digest all of the food you ate that day so you dont gain.
Itâs binge eating because the cravings have gotten too much for you and you canât take it anymore.
Itâs hating yourself after eating absolutely anything.
Itâs an overwhelming fear of gaining weight if you eat something, even though you know that eating a single item wont make you gain.
Itâs weighing yourself multiple times a day in fear that youâve gained.
Itâs feeling faint a lot because you havenât eaten properly in months.
Itâs muscles that ache because you wont stop working out because you have to burn as many calories as you possibly can.
Itâs constantly comparing yourself to others because no matter what, you have to be the one who eats the least.
Itâs mental breakdowns and restless nights, when you canât stop thinking. You canât concentrate on anything but your weight.
Itâs cutting off people because theyâre going to get in the way of your goals.
Itâs fear of leaving the house because when people look at you, youâre worried theyâre staring at your fat.
Itâs counting calories and having limits, and when you go over the limit, you think youâre not good enough.
Itâs restricting food and fasting in your desperate attempt to be thin.
Itâs âthat cheeseburger looks so good right now, but I know itâs high calorieâ and âI really, really want to eat thatâ and sometimes giving into the temptation.
Itâs good days when you think itâs all going to be ok, and you have it under control.
Itâs bad days when youâre in tears and pinching at your fat, staring into the kitchen, but never going in.
Itâs telling everyone you have it under control even though you know you donât. It controls you, but you may never admit that out loud.
Itâs convincing yourself youâll stop at your goal weight, but you know at this rate, stopping seems impossible.
Itâs not wanting to stop because itâs the only thing you have, you feel you have control over it and youâre in way too deep to stop now.
Itâs still feeling hungry after eating because you really havenât eaten that much, yet youâre convinced youâve eaten too much.
Itâs hating the feeling of being full because it means you lost control.
Itâs liking the feeling of being hungry cause you imagine the growls of your stomach to be your fat screaming.
Itâs going for the salads and vegetables because they have less calories and fat.
Itâs googling the calories in everything.
Itâs searching for thinspo and motivation because you feel you need it.
Itâs wanting to breakdown to your friends and to tell your family, but you never do.
Itâs believing youâre too fat to have an eating disorder.
Itâs hunger headaches and âjust feeling tiredâ because yes, you do feel tired, but itâs because you havenât eaten enough that day.
Itâs planning for when youâre skinnier and buying clothes in a smaller size because youâre using it as thinspo and youâll get there one day.
Itâs brittle hair from lack of nutrients and fingernails that are discolouring.
Its layers of concealer to hide the bags under your eyes.
Itâs stress in social situations when food is involved.
Itâs wanting to talk about it with someone so much, yet being so terrified to.
Itâs planning and cutting up and dividing food, eating half of whatâs in front of you.
Itâs throwing up your food if you feel like youâve eaten too much, then feeling guilty after you do it.
Itâs feeling like youâre cured of Ana because Mia came along, but then realising the hard truth when you canât get normal eating habits back.
Itâs freaking out, just thinking about eating around 2000 calories, and youâve been this way for so long that you feel youâll never get it back.
Itâs pinching, punching and pulling at your fat, desperately trying to get it off.
Itâs never being satisfied with the number on your scale.
Itâs never feeling good enough, no matter what you do.
Itâs still eating, because itâs not starving yourself all the time, itâs the voices in your head calling you fat, telling you youâre not good enough, and if you eat that, youâll gain weight.
Itâs hiding and throwing out food so you donât have to eat.
Itâs knowing your organs are slowly shutting down and accepting that.
Itâs wanting to kill yourself if you gain weight.
Itâs really wanting it to stop but it never does.
(If you have any suggestions for anything that should be here, tell me. đ Also, sorry for any mistakes or repeated lines.)
How often have you thought âI wish I had clear skin, perfect voluminous and glossy hair, perfect nails, perfect smile, be thinâ? If you starve, you will only be thin. The rest you can forget about. Your skin will be gray, thin and dry. Your nails will break. Youâll catch infections, your body wonât be able to protect itself. Your hair will fall out. The skin will be itchy. Your whole body will be covered with fuzzy, hard to remove hair. You will struggle to cover the baldness. Your teeth will rot. The decay will leave you stinking, people will avoid you due to the smell, not only from ketosis but from your rotten teeth too. You will be unhappy forever. You will be depressed. Never good enough, while thin you wonât be able to maintain anything else. You wonât be thin for long as well - your heart wonât let you live in this state. One day you just wonât wake up.
Why not become thin and keep all the perks? To feel beautiful, to have a functioning body, to be confident, to live? To be thin, to have all the nice skin and hair, and to have most lovely and honest smile?
Youâre not choosing between being sick or being fat. You can achieve all that, but starving wonât get you there. Pro Ana wonât get you there. You need to answer yourself first, is your goal really to be thin, beautiful and happy, or are you just slowly killing yourself?
Seek help before itâs too late.
Daily reminder!
hey if ur ever feelin shitty use this
Holy shit Iâm trying not to cry.
i really needed this one tonight
Do it!!!
Please do it
Thank youâŚ
It actually made me smile
I canât stop smiling this made me feel way better than it should haveÂ
In case you guys need it đ
when you go back to daydreaming after having been interrupted and your brain does a previously on of your fantasy
THROUGH A RAPISTâS EYESâ (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. It may save a life, It may save your life.)
An Article from
Neena Susan Thomas
âThrough a rapistâs eyes. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewâŚed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whoâs clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.
3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.
4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.
5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.
6] Number three is public restrooms.
7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they donât have to worry about getting caught.
8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isnât worth it because it will be time-consuming.
9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.
10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys youâre not worth it.
POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:
1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: canât believe it is so cold out here, weâre in for a bad winter. Now that youâve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.
2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said theyâd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.
3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
4] If someone grabs you, you canât beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh â HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.
5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guyâs parts it is extremely painful. You might think that youâll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and heâs out of there.
6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, donât dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but youâd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.
FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL âŚ.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from youâŚ. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver wonât see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DONâT DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .
b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
c. Look at the car parked on the driverâs side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked âfor helpâ into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and itâs better safe than sorry.
If u have compassion reblog this post. âHelping hands are better than Praying Lipsâ â give us your helping hand.
REBLOG THIS AND LET EVERY GIRL KNOW AT LEAST PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD. So please reblog thisâŚ.Your one reblog can Help to spread this information.
THIS COULD ACTUALLY SAVE A LIFE.â
the way that tumblr treats mental health is really bad. thereâs a weird culture on this site where nothing but misinformation is spread and text posts like âthat bpd feel when you listen to the same song over and overâ get thousands of notes without a single person questioning it
this site honestly makes mental health issues into something âcoolâ and also encourages never recovering. phrases such as âwe cant all be neurotypical karenâ become more popular than âeven if there is no cure, there is always treatmentâ, and when actually mentally ill people share coping mechanisms, theyâre accused of being neurotypical. instead of helping each other and supporting each other, it feels like this site just wants to keep people miserable forever and discourage any attempts to recover.
its extremely damaging. i hope it changes. as a mentally ill person, taking a step back from the popular rhetoric that goes around on this site did me a great deal of good. i recommend it.
to throw out another thing i think would be interesting to discuss - if behaviors should be the determining factor wrt the bulimia or an-bp diagnosis, and weight should have little bearing since the behaviors point straightforwardly toward bulimia, why should a person whose behaviors are solely restrictive, who meets all other criteria for an, be diagnosed with osfed if their weight is not seen as significantly/clinically "low enough"?
People have argued that the reason why is because treatment would differ for both. Someone underweight may need a more immediate treatment plan to repair any physical damage done by maintaining a continuously low body weight. Prolonged starvation in patients who have lost a large amount of weight are also at risk for refeeding syndrome. SoâŚdifferent treatments for different ailments. Not to say those with Atypical Anorexia arenât as sick, but there are differences between a body that is a normal weight and one that is not.
Why Mental Illness Doesnât Excuse Abusive Behavior
Back during a time when my mental illness was at its worst, I was extremely emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to my now husband, then boyfriend. Behaviors I would exhibit (and am not proud of):
Slapping him
Name calling
Throwing furniture
Guilt tripping him
Shaming him
Becoming extremely possessive over him, checking his messages, emails, and becoming irrationally upset when he would communicate with any female
Become extremely resentful when he would spend more time with his family than me
Text or call him at inappropriate times and would become suspicious angry when he wouldnât respond ASAP
Blame him for all of my shortcomings (if he wasnât so _____, I wouldnât behave this way!)
Thatâs just a SHORT list of the things I put him through, not even taking into consideration the eating disorder part of my mental health.
And to make it perfectly clear, there was nothing my husband ever did to warrant or justify any of my behavior. That man has never hit me, yelled at me, manipulated me, shamed me, called me names, become jealous, kept me from spending time with other people, etc. Heâs treated me like a queen for the last 11 years, and it wasnât until I did some deep recovery work that I realized 100% of my behaviors had all to do with me and nothing to do with him. Iâm surprised he stuck with me, and although I am eternally grateful that he did, it took a long time for me to not only make amends to him, but to change my behaviors in order to finally come to a place of sanity within my relationship.
Hereâs the thing:
Even though a large part of my behavior had to do with mental illness, my husband deserved 0% of it. Regardless if you are sick or not, your behaviors affect other people. If your illness âmakesâ you abusive, you are still abusive. If my husband decided to press charges for me slapping him in the face, telling authorities, âBUT I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS!â would not absolve me of the fact that I physically assaulted another human being.
People are hurt all the time due to the shitty things people do because of their illnesses, and they canât just tell themselves, âWell, they are sick, so I have to deal with it.â or âI canât let it affect me because I have to understand they are sick.â Like, no. People do not have to do that. They are not obligated to support and/or stay with you if they cannot deal or cope with how you act within your illness.
People are not obligated to be punching bags just because you are sick, especially if you do nothing to change or manage your behaviors.
ed thoughts
I can say that the need to restrict and act out on my behaviors is a general feeling to me. Itâs always there, whether I have a good or bad day.
The only thing Iâm very sure of is that anger makes me crave control more than ever. And so the need to stop and recover gets buried under a pile of sand like thAt.
Sometimes I feel like I can do this - I can get better and like myself more - but the moment I feel anger, itâs like I need to take it out by doing all this.
tw eating disorder tw purging
i am so destroyed and sososo disappointed in myself. for the first time in several years i tried to purge. i tried to make myself throw up the food i ate. once after dinner and once after a few beers. fuck. fuckduckduckukcufkcuf. i didn't want it to go this far i really didn't. yet i feel so.. so... out of control without this fucking eating disorder. it's as glamorous as dipping your head in shit seems. it's terrible. but i need to get back up. i need to accept this happened and i can only start anew and be proud of myself for trying to battle this anyway. i am strong.
Everybody's ED is different
If you eat 1000+ cals a day, you can still have an ed
If you binge and donât purge, you can still have an ed
If you donât drink 2L of water in a day, you can still have an ed
If you eat 3 meals a day, you can still have an ed
If youâve never been diagnosed, you can still have an ed
If youâre not in the âunderweightâ category for your BMI, you can still have an ed
There are no stipulations. No rules. No specific behaviors that you HAVE to have for you to be sick
If you think you have an eating disorder, you probably do. So donât think that youâre not sick bc youâre âtoo bigâ or donât do everything that everyone else does. Your symptoms are just as valid as anyone elseâs.
All about that half in half out leg over duvet hoiked right up to my chin thing
Anorexia is Not Glamourous
âAnorexia is not glamorous.
But rather It is fear. Fear of gaining Fear of numbers. It is the fear of the scale And nutrition labels. Being afraid of family gatherings And vacations. Fear of spending time with friends But at the same time fear of being alone.
Anorexia is not glamorous.
But instead It is lying. Constantly making excuses About what and when youâve eaten. It is hiding the truth From everyone you love. You know they only care But if they knew theyâd stop you. So you lie about it all So that you can continue.
Anorexia is not glamorous.
In reality It is constant shame. When you step on the scale Or stand in front of a mirror. Itâs the shame of knowing That you let yourself get this big. It is embarrassing fits of rage and tears As you do 100 crunches on the bathroom floor. And oh the shame when you finally give in to eat Whether it be a single apple Or the entire kitchen.
Anorexia is not glamorous.
It is just Tiring. Tired every single time You have to walk up the stairs. Tired of looking this way And feeling so badly. Sick of seeing stars and dizzy spells Every time you stand up. Exhausted from the hours Of exercise on an empty stomach.
Anorexia is not glamorous.
It is controlling. It is consuming. And oh the irony or these things. Because Do you ever really have control? Do you ever really consume?â
