A. Z. Phale’s Bookshop reviews, a collection:
“Incredibly charming, cozy place, like if an antique store vomited its collection of vintage green carnations all over your estranged grand-aunt’s tea parlor and her gay husband. I’d assume it’s family-owned, but my grandmother has dementia so I can only assume she believes she’s referring to a different Mr. Phale than the one currently running it (perhaps his father?). He serves lovely tea and biscuits when you stop pretending you can afford and are interested in anything he’s selling. 4/5, point off for not actually being good at selling books.”
“best place in central london for students of literature or the arts. the dude collects lost and woesome queers like a mother hen. has an incredibly diverse selection of tea and biscuits, if youll excuse the pun. 5 star atmosphere but he’s an absolute prat when it comes to romance. don’t come to him for relationship advice, he’s been pining after some slick-haired cool-dad in a midlife crisis silk suit since the dawn of time. have not once seen him make a sale in his life.”
“Horrible service delivered by a pleasantly plump man of indeterminate age. I saw no proof that it was anything short than a body dump, money laundering spot, or some other form of illicit and terrifying revelations, but then again, you rarely do. If you try to sit down in the heated chintz squashy armchair doublecheck that his weird snake isn’t napping there first. It won’t bite you but it WILL give you a look of such great offense that you will be forced to reconsider everything you thought you knew about the possible expressions that are viable when you have no lips or eyelids.”
Bob’s Burgers reviews, a collection:
“If you think you might like the burger of the day, try it. Do not try to order “the burger of the day”, you WILL be held at steak-knifepoint by a young girl in a pink rabbit hat with frankly disconcerting amounts of ‘will stab you if you don’t call it the “Shallot’s Wife” energy [comes with green onions and extra-salty french fries]. Brief brush with death aside 8/10, good burgers but maybe a cult?”
“this place was accused of using human flesh for its burgers. all charges were, of course, dropped. if you ask for the long beef special, though, the charge will be extravagant and it will be unsatisfying to your curiosity, that is to say, it tastes exactly like beef. 5/5 pleasantly free of blackmail or shame, dude just wants to make a living”
“Last week the ice cream machine was broken. This week the ice cream machine was ‘used to stop the murderous mechanical shark rampage’. fuck man just tell me the vanilla got ants in it like the mcdonalds down the road like a normal human being. 7/10 the son made fart sounds every time i bit into my (good quality) burger”
“i have no idea how this place is still open for business. i do not think God himself has the power to prevent bob from selling his burgers for any longer than 2 days at most. the amount of things that happen to bob’s burgers or adjacent to bob’s burgers is the stuff of legend and a bad lsd trip. i don’t know what bob did to deserve as cruel a purgatory as this, but i thank him for his dedication to the craft of flipping patties. 666/10 weird thing to sell your soul for but damn the results taste fine”
