ash

gay | 03 . 05 . '16 | linguaphile | non-binary

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" it takes someone extraordinary to see beauty in the most abstract of places "

excerpt from a book i'll never write

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Me at 7: I want to be a princess

Me at 18: I want to be happy

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i love you.

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It's like I was drowning and you saved me

Derek Sheperd

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yet i believe the moon understands being human, being alone, uncertain, easily broken

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAWlvhYZ_C0)

To anyone that might be struggling... this is really amazing!

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Hey pretty brown eyes. The first day you smiled at me, you captured my heart. You spoke to my soul and it decided that you were the missing piece to make me whole. The first day we talked, my heart whispered to yours and amidst the chaos of the world yours heard mine.  The first time we kissed, my soul was on fire. It screamed for more.  It begged you to never let me go.  You didn't. Today, a year after you asked me out, we are still here. You can still light my soul on fire with the slightest touch. Make my heart scream when I have to leave. Hey pretty brown eyes. I love you unending.

a.c // A note to my girlfriend

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I am a fucking mess. Clingy, jealous, selfish, emotional. Yes. I am all of that, but... One thing I promise is that I will love you with everything I have. That may not be enough for people. But I hope to the clouds that it will be enough for you.

a.c // Oh, I’m a mess

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A coward behind the screen Words that will forever change the need to live The need to make something of yourself. Pain inflicted anonymously because it's the easy route. Social media; the birthplace of cyber bullying. Bullying that will forever remain for everyone to see. Pain that will never fully heal, because the attacker will always be behind a faceless mask. Closure will never make itself known because you will forever stay in the dark. Helpless Defenseless Loveless

a.c // attacker

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The sound of little feet pattering on the  wooden floors brought a smile to my face. Looking down, you're lying on my chest. The next moment two little bodies pulled  themselves onto the bed, waking you up in the process. One boy, one girl, touching your tummy I smiled to myself, and one on the way. The previous week we found out that it's indeed going to be another girl, and you couldn't be happier. You looked up at me, begging me to make you your favourite breakfast. I pull myself out of your arms, kissing you on the forehead. The kids tumbled off the bed to follow me to the kitchen. I can't help but look back at you. Seeing your flushed cheeks and crazy curly hair sticking up in every direction made me smile, and with our kids in the next room, I know... Life can't get better than this

a.c // A love like ours

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The phone ringing pulls me out of my wine induced slumber. Since you said goodbye nothing was as it should be. The flowers in my garden paled to a translucent hue; I can swear my heart did the same. I sat in my bed, clutching the covers to my chest. Tears forming in my eyes as I tried my best not to run to the phone. I looked at the full bottle of wine that's next to my bed, that would be my third. I open the bottle, taking my glass. The perfect red with that signature wooden smell. The phone is still ringing as I take the first sip, and the second, drinking faster until I downed the entire glass. "Leave a message at the tone" Finally I hear my voice over the answering machine, cutting off the sharp ring. It's your voice I hear next, Laced with tears and woe. Oh, how I wish I could hold you and kiss the tears away. But you will never be mine again. It's time I accept it.

a.c // The aftermath

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The leaves rustle as the wind caresses their green exterior. I’m sitting on the porch admiring the storm clouds rolling in. The sky turns to a grey hue and suddenly I’m lost in the picture perfect storm.

a.c // excerpt from the storm

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Night after night I watch you go to sleep. I lie next to you, feeling your touch on my skin experiencing the fire and bliss that comes from you. I hear your breathing become more level  as you fall into a deep slumber. With all of my strength I pull away and go back to my room... trying to fight the need to go back and hold you. My room is alone and cold without your presence - foreign even - I sat on my bed, knees pulled up to my chest. That is when the voices start plaguing me, hitting me with whispered promises and a bittersweet feeling in my chest. The questions break me from the inside out. will i deteriorate with time? will i fade into nothingness? will i ever love somebody as i love you? I fall asleep with a single tear rolling down my cheek I start to whisper ( don't go, don't go, don't go, don't... ) As sleep take me, I know that this wouldn't be the end.

a.c // don’t go

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No fancy words Or punctuation Just straight up And straight forward Words from the heart So you can say we are basically A perfect, beautiful mess But like the perfect, beautiful mess Eleven months Two weeks   To this day, that is how long we've been dating. Every time I see her, I know I want to do life with her. Her sparkling brown eyes make me want to go out and make something of myself. You know? Make her proud. Her laugh – oh my god, it's perfect – It makes me do anything and everything just to be able to hear it.   Her smile, It just makes my heart skip a beat; a few beats – like in those cheesy romance novels you read, and you laugh because you think the author is on crack for believing shit like that – and it's true, it exists.   Her lip biting. I don't think I should say anything about that, but know she does it at the most impossible of times.   And her lip biting and my reaction? Always leads to a smirk.   One that I will love for the rest of my mere mortal life. One that I will work to deserve forever.   She is my person. She will always be my person. And I will fight wars to be able to marry her one day. ( You hear that mom? I hope you fucking did. )

a.c // The beauty of perfection

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I could still feel the ghost of your lips on mine. I couldn’t help it. I had to hold myself back for months. Had to hold myself back from kissing you, hugging you, holding your hand… and it fucking drove me insane.

a.c

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“ sometimes we fall in love just to fall apart we try so hard to get the attention we yearn for to feel good enough and accepted. we fall in love to fill this gaping void within to feel like we belong somewhere. i fell in love with you i gave my heart to you so why does it feel like everything i do is never fucking good enough? ”

a.c

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A word whispered as I started falling asleep - waking up with the remains of a bittersweet lullaby

A life of melancholy, Ash Connaway