Tumblr, you have a serious problem where you call all unhealthy interpersonal behavior āinherently abusiveā.
I know many kind and caring people who do this. These are people who have guilt and anxiety issues; realizing that theyāve hurt someone they care about can send them into a panicky spiral of self-flagellation.
I sometimes do this. Occasionally when I learn that Iāve hurt someone, I go into a state of sick guilt that Iāve written about before:
At its extremes, guilt is paralytic: I canāt really do anything except curl into a ball and apologize profusely and hope that the other person doesnāt hate me. Sometimes my anxiety will prompt me to try and make amends, but I feel so underconfident that I second-guess all my thoughts on how to do that, and so Iām left with wretchedly apologizing over and over againā¦ Generally I can only productively deal with a mistake [by thinking about the situation clearly, diagnosing where I went wrong, and coming up with a plan to avoid causing harm in the future] once Iāve worked through my guilt.
Iām completely aware that this is unhelpful and unhealthy behavior. And it would be completely reasonable for someone to say, āLook, your behavior makes it hard for me to tell you when youāve hurt me. This is a deal-breaker; I canāt be close to someone when I feel uncomfortable telling them that theyāve violated my boundaries, or when I have to comfort them every time I tell them theyāve harmed me.ā
This would be perfectly valid, and I would never try to stop anyone who wanted to leave me for this reason. That would be abusive.
But I really resent being told that since I sometimes have guilt spirals, Iām inherently a ātoxic person and a manipulator who needs to be avoided forever.ā
Everyone has the right to set their own boundaries. āI wonāt date or be friends with anyone who goes into a guilt spiral when I tell them that theyāve hurt meā is a perfectly valid boundary. Itās also perfectly valid to not have that boundary. I personally do not find it stressful to interact with people who go into guilt spirals; Iām okay with comforting and reassuring them and helping them work through their guilt, and waiting until theyāve calmed down to have a more productive discussion. Because my boundaries and preferences allow it, I often have positive and healthy relationships with people who work this way.
So Iām concerned about how Tumblr discusses things like this. Iām concerned that people likeĀ misandry-mermaid, who have so many followers, would casually call everyone with an anxiety disorder ātoxic people and manipulatorsā. Iām concerned that Tumblr creates a narrative where every behavior is either Completely Valid And Above Criticism or Inherently Abusive And Evil.
Tumblr, do you realize how many anxious, kind people will read posts like this and conclude that theyāre horrible toxic abusers?
And by constantly emphasizing this narrative of āhorrible toxic abusersā, do you realize that youāre making it harder for people to set their own boundaries in all cases where they donāt think their partner is a horrible toxic abuser? Do you realize that youāre making it harder for the girl who knows her boyfriend loves and cares about her, but who still canāt healthily be in a relationship with him because of his anxiety issues?
Please be careful when you create narratives. Someone doesnāt have to be evil or abusive for you to have a boundary that precludes engaging with them. And the only behavior thatās inherently abusive is refusing to respect the boundaries that other people set.
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