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@cyruski-empty
04 July 2026
i guess im back here, once again
the years are passing and that desperation is coming again, so much has happened and i dont know where i should turn too
im so fckg depressed again and i was doing so much better, why is always things happening when i dont need them too?
why i always care about others and forget about myself? why? why people always take advantage of me? im so tired
i should have never forgot about this feeling for a moment, dumb me of thinking i could be okay
04 December 2025
They say things get better, that everything will calm down and the happiness and joy will be back. Not true, it's not coming back. I thought that i had at least my feet on the ground. Trying to hold on to everything so nothing collapses besides me. But now i feel i'm falling apart again and this time i have no control. Everything is coming with me. I seek help, but my tears keep running down my face. I need the truth but they want me to live without it.
Everything is pushing me down, and i dont wanna crawl back anymore. I just want to rest but it feels like im trapped and nobody is coming to save me.
03 May 2025
The more the time passes im more certain of my thoughts. I dont think i can handle this life or myself much more. I've been trying, but the pain is always going to stay with me. It just feels that my life is so pointless, not for others but for me. I'm so tired, it's been years and nothing changes in fact lately it kind of feels that is getting worse and i really don't have the strength to keep going. I dont wanna be here. I want to die. I'm doing the best i can to hide it from people, everyone thinks im better but no im not. I feel so guilty because of it. I dont want to hurt the people i love, i dont want them to suffer. But how much more can i take?
Its so heavy, so sad, i dont want to feel this anymore
17 September 2024
Every day, I dream about you,
A reality that never came true and never will.
A family lost and never found.
And, sadly, something I can never claim for myself because of you.
This is all that was left for us.
23 September 2024
Looking at the sky every now and then to find answers but somehow i cant get anything. I wonder if it's okay to mourn me? The child that got lost and the person that she never got to be? How much of myself is that child? How much of my sorrow, loneliness and void is part of her?
I know, i should get over it, but how can i? This feelings eat me up everyday and i dont know how to deal with it anymore.. Im broken forever.
How are u? I hope u are doing okay, do u still remember me? Do you wish to meet me again? How are you dealing with everything? I truly hope to see you again one day and talk about it. Even if that doesn't happen, ill always think about u.
11 May 2024
And once again i come back here, my hope keeps getting killed whenever it is possible. I feel so bad, my chest keeps hurting, and to be honest i dont know what should i do anymore, i think i really don't deserve this. What did i do wrong? Why did u do that to me? Why do i have to deal with the consequences of your actions? Why??? It's not fair, it's not. I shouldn't feel like this. But i do, and i dont know how to overcome it. No matter how many time i try, no matter how i try to look at things in different perspectives, it just wont go away. I dont believe in God but sometimes i pray that everything would be okay. I'm so hopeless. I'm so desperate. This void will eat me alive until the end of me </3 is there any hope for me?
12 March 2024
I'm still fooling myself, making me believe i will be okay. That's a lie. Why do i bother buying things and in the end feeling it's all useless? why do i bother to put make up on to feel beautiful if in the end all i am is just a coward soul who wants to die? A soul that tries to break free everytime but the chains are so tight. Am i that selfish? Selfish for not wanting to be here? im holding on, but it's hurting so much, i dont wanna feel like this anymore please. This is not how it's supposed to be. Why do i have to keep suffering? Was not my life enough? Was not my childhood enough? My teenager days? and now my adulthood?
What does depression wants to take away from me? My life? I can't even give her that. I'm that coward. You already have all my soul but it's not enough right? Why? Why? WHY?
22 February 2024
Why? Why am i still feeling all this pain inside me? Why i dont find the answer? Why is so difficult to breathe?
I'm feeling so lonely lately, i just want to be alone. I want to scream all my sadness out, but it's hard to even talk about it. I'm trying, i swear i am so why is this pain always coming back? I just want to be normal like everyone else, if not what's the point? I dont wanna keep fighting this.. I cant do it.. I'm so tired so please, i dont wanna suffer anymore
2 November 2023
A little draft that i didn't post a while ago...
You keep walking, and you keep getting hurt, constantly. You know life isn't fair with you, with everyone but you still ask everyday what have you done for it to be like this?
Every step you take is more hopeless then the previous one but you pretend that everything is fine, u actually believe it. But one day, the reality breaks you and you can't take it because you are to tired to deal with it again, you have no strength in your body to help you beat this monster that keeps eating your life away. You keep quiet and the only thing you can do is nothing but thinking on the worst, so the emptiness invades your heart, the darkness swallows your mind, death becomes your whole body and you couldn't be more happy.
4 September 2023
I wonder what would happen if the moon and the stars stopped shining? I think my emotions can represent it. Maybe it’s not emotions anymore but my numbness. Everything got so dark and there is no moon in my world.
I got lost in the lost.. i feel like laughing so hard, till my tears show up. Because for real, there’s nothing that will stop me from being my enemy, not even me. It’s funny, ahahah.
I dont believe in God, but i pray everynight that i wont feel like this on the next day.
22 Agosto 2023
Life, what does life means?
It's just a heart that is constantly beating until one day decides to stop, so you do your life, you choose to live, you choose what you want, to be happy and live the most beautiful things u can possibly do.
Oh.. If life was it.. if only we could decide to dream and make everything happen, but the reality is so much different then we can really think... if only we could have 10% of the dreams we have.
Unfaithful thoughts and feelings, despair moments, anger that consumes you and then BOOM.... there is nothing left.
That life has come to an end with all of your dreams.
19 Agosto 2023
Avoiding to write here more times than i can count…
Maybe i’m scared of knowing that i’m still not okay. Months have passed and i still feel the same way. Everything is so empty and dark that none of the things i do show me light. My life turned out to be the biggest prison ever, but i still can’t find any way to escape it. The key is nowhere to be found. If i can’t escape it, should i even be here? Why would i put myself into this nonstop suffering if all im going to be is miserable. I still think that maybe life isn’t for everybody, and sadly i make part of that group of people. It’s okay. Everything will end soon…
6 Outubro 2022
Hello again, i suppose? I’m still coming back and i don’t know why. What is the thing that is keeping me here? I lost myself in this life, and that person got lost with the wind. I’ve got a hole in my chest that it’s impossible to be filled. I’m sorry. How can i keep fighting? Where should i find more strenght? I wonder if i did anything wrong to deserve all of this.
29 Setembro 2022
Life.. What is life?
I dont know life, i only know death, because it's always with me. I believe that life is so heavy and empty like death. But the difference is, when u die your suffer ends but when u're alive, it's a constant suffering. It's what i feel. I feel that im better off dead, u see, everyone grows up, and has a future, goals, things they want to achieve, i dont. I cant even see my future. I cant imagine myself doing things that i like in a few years.
28 Agosto 2022
It never gets better does it?
I'm tired. I dont know if ill survive this world, i dont think my mind and my body can get through this. One day i know i wont have the strength. Everyday i try the better i can, but i swear it's almost impossible. It hurts so much. I just wanna cry. My heart aches. I dont wanna live anymore, breathing hurts. This world turned out to be the dark of my eyes, and i will fall into it. One day i wont be here anymore and i just have to wait patiently. Im sorry to myself but i cant do this for much longer.
28 Junho 2022
Hey, yesterday i went to the hospital and was with my psychiatrist, and she diagnosed me with borderline, besides depression of course. So another problem to handle, im pretty sick of this, i think this will never end, and now i have one more thing to worry in my life. At least right now all my urges of self harm are justified, besides depression. Im so tired because i dont seem to find anything good in me, its pretty hard to live like this. I dont know what to do.
12 Junho 2022
There used to be this times where i was walking on the corridors of school and thinking "this will be the last time that i see this walls" "this will be the last time that im sitting here" "this will be the last time..." because i wouldn't be here the next day. I would put an end in my life. 3 years gone by and now im sitting in my room thinking the exact same thing and now i wonder, why i didn't do anything at the time? why? I was supposed to be better, but i am not, and i dont know if i ever will be. The hardest part of all of this is that i can't even kill myself, i want to, i want to kms so bad but i just can't. It hurts a lot because i feel obligated to live even if i dont want to.. i miss my therapist so much, but not even that i can have, i really dont know what to do, because if i cant die what am i supposed to do? someone tell me pls, im desperate :(