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a season of ❝ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴs ❞
late nights, blurry feelings, and the kind of intimacy that happens before either of you realizes it.
half-finished conversations. shared silence. someone pulling you closer without thinking about it. affection hidden behind sleepy eyes and cigarette smoke.
it just lingers. slowly. quietly.
like smoke in your lungs.
synopsis: you knew murasaki through your situationship with daiki. you’d seen him a couple times at practice when the boys played, exchanged a few words here and there. talking to him always felt… easy. like he actually listened when you spoke - and maybe that’s what got you the most. slowly, almost accidentally, you started falling for him without him even trying.
tags: messy feelings, late night conversations, murasakibara atsuhi, situationship core, friends to smth worse, touch starved, the yearning is CRAZY, oversized shirt trope, you fell first but he fell harder, weed fic, he wants to ruin you gently
tw: weed/smoking, intoxication, complicated relationships, toxic situationship dynamics, emotional dependency, kissing, heavy make out scenes, suggestive content, grinding, implied sexual content, possessiveness, emotional vulnerability, party setting
ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ: ᴀᴛsᴜsʜɪ ᴍᴜʀᴀsᴀᴋɪʙᴀʀᴀ
✯¸.•´*︎¨`*︎•✿ ══✿══╡°˖✧✿✧˖°╞══✿══ ✿•*︎`¨*︎`•.¸✯
"finally, man," someone sighed somewhere near you, frustration bleeding through the noise.
you looked up just in time to see daiki already greeting ryouta, the two of them instantly disappearing into a conversation about who had shown up already and who was still supposed to come.
your eyes drifted across the space in front of you.
the whole house was packed shoulder to shoulder. music blasted through the walls hard enough to make the floor vibrate beneath your shoes, the air thick and overheated from too many bodies crowded together. someone laughed too loudly somewhere upstairs. glass clinked in the kitchen. the smell of alcohol, smoke, sweat, cheap perfume - it all mixed into something suffocating.
you shifted awkwardly on your feet, subconsciously starting to frown.
and before you even realized it, daiki was gone.
swallowed whole by the crowd. leaving you standing by the front door alone.
"oh- what're you doing here?" the voice came from somewhere above you.
you turned around and had to tilt your head back slightly to meet the eyes staring down at you. deep violet, almost unnaturally intense - though the color was barely visible beneath blown pupils darkened from whatever he'd already taken tonight.
"murasakibara," you breathed out in relief the second you recognized him. "i came with daiki, and, well..." your gaze slowly swept around the chaos surrounding you. "as you can see, i got abandoned."
"have you had anything to drink?" he asked bluntly, narrowing his eyes at you like he was trying to inspect your soul.
a few loose strands had fallen out of his half-undone ponytail, hanging into his face. He clicked his tongue quietly and shoved them behind his ear with obvious annoyance - and that's when you noticed the rolled joint tucked there.
"no," you answered carefully, waiting to see where this was going.
"then come with me." he jerked his head toward the terrace doors leading outside into the garden.
"there are a few people out there already. we're about to light up." his mouth curled lazily at the corner. "then you won't be alone anymore."
and with that, he started walking toward the terrace without even checking if you were following.
for half a second, you froze.
you watched his back as he moved through the crowd - tall, broad shoulders loose and relaxed while everyone else practically bent around him to make space. he walked slowly and heavily, like gravity hit him differently than everyone else.
you couldn't tell if it was because he was already high or if that was simply how murasakibara existed.
you kept thinking about how casually he invited you into his little smoker circle, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
you'd never even smoked before. not because you were against it. it just... never happened. after blinking yourself back to reality, you hurried after him.
but before you could make it far, someone caught your arm. you stopped immediately and looked up into daiki's face.
sharp dark eyes locked onto you with almost surgical precision.
"well, well," he drawled, eyebrow raised with that stupid, smug grin you both loved and hated. "where're you going?"
his gaze flickered toward murasakibara disappearing outside. "you trying to steal my friends now?" he teased. "shameless."
"are you jealous because someone else is actually giving me attention?" you shot back flatly.
"naaah," he exhaled with a crooked smirk. "you'll come crawling back anyway." his fingers brushed your hair behind your ear with infuriating softness.
"you always come back when i text you." his grin widened slightly. "go enjoy your little moment in the spotlight."
"you're such an asshole," you muttered bitterly. and honestly, you didn't even know if his words made you angrier or hurt more.
maybe because part of it was true.
you and daiki were an endless cycle. pulling closer. pushing away. over and over and over again until it became exhausting just existing around him.
every time you thought maybe this was finally the end, he came back.
and everything between you - the good, the horrible, and the unforgettable - still lived somewhere under your skin no matter how hard you tried to bury it.
nothing would ever erase it completely.
"i'm obsessed with you, y'know that?" he muttered lowly, almost irritated by the confession itself.
then he finally loosened his grip on your arm. he pressed a rough kiss against your hair before disappearing back into the crowd like nothing had happened.
and suddenly all that anger sitting inside your chest felt dangerously close to tears.
you hated where you were.
you hated who you came with.
you hated the reason you even showed up tonight.
a few tears escaped before you could stop them, and you wiped them away quickly with the back of your hand. you took one deep breath, emptied your lungs completely, and stepped outside.
the cool evening breeze brushed against your overheated skin instantly.
"hey! little one!" murasakibara's voice carried across the patio.
he sat sprawled across one of the outdoor chairs with two other guys who already looked spiritually disconnected from planet earth.
without overthinking it any further, you walked toward them.
you sat down in a chair slightly farther away, crossing one leg over the other and wrapping your arms around yourself. Summer was starting to creep in, but the nights still carried a chill to them.
your jacket was still sitting in the backseat of daiki's car.
"why're you sitting so far away?" murasakibara asked like you'd personally offended him.
the joint burned between his long fingers while smoke curled lazily around his face. his voice had gotten rougher from smoking, lower and raspier, and his gestures suddenly seemed more dramatic somehow.
he looked more alive like this.
not necessarily different.
just... brighter around the edges.
before you could even process what was happening, he grabbed the leg of your chair and dragged you closer in one smooth pull.
the joint hung between his lips while he inhaled deeply. smoke escaped through his nose before he pulled it away and pointed it toward you.
"you want some?" he asked lazily, resting his head against one hand draped over the back of his chair.
you stared at him for a moment. then at the joint. then at his friends.
and then, inevitably, your brain circled right back to daiki.
with quiet resignation, you took it from his hand.
after a little internal pep talk, you finally pressed the filter against your lips and inhaled carefully. warm smoke flooded your throat and lungs immediately, sharp and unfamiliar.
you pulled away with a frown, coughing slightly while trying to drag fresh air back into your chest before exhaling everything out again.
for a few seconds you just sat there wheezing through it. but underneath the smoke, there was something else lingering on your tongue.
you smacked your lips thoughtfully, eyebrows furrowing while trying to figure out if it actually tasted like lemon or if you were imagining things.
murasakibara noticed instantly and started grinning like an idiot.
"see?" he said, turning dramatically toward his friends. "i told you this one tastes more sour."
he pointed at the joint like a professor presenting groundbreaking research.
"so this is the lemon haze one - or whatever the hell it's called. the other one earlier was the different strain."
his friends nodded slowly and seriously, like the three of them had just discovered the cure for cancer together.
you couldn't help smiling to yourself at the sight of the single shared brain cell bouncing peacefully between all three of them.
the second hit came easier this time. you knew what to expect now.
the smoke didn't ambush your lungs nearly as badly, and you barely coughed when you exhaled. you handed the joint back to murasakibara, who took it from your fingers without a word before passing it further along the circle.
a shiver suddenly ran down your spine, making you tense instinctively.
everything felt strange now. sharper, slower.
every sensation dragged another one behind it like a chain reaction. the distant bass from inside the house. the cold metal armrest beneath your fingertips. the sound of someone laughing somewhere far away.
your body kept twitching every now and then from little bursts of overstimulation, like your senses had all been turned up to a thousand percent.
“that's just because you're cold," Murasaki said casually.
before you could answer, he started shrugging off the loose button-up he'd been wearing over his shirt.
“it's not much, but it's better than nothing."
something about the honesty in his voice caught you off guard when he handed it to you.
it wasn't dramatic. wasn't flirtatious. wasn't forceful. just... genuine.
soft in a way you weren't used to.
you stared at the shirt in your hands for a moment, feeling the weight of the fabric and the smooth texture slipping over your fingers before finally pulling it around yourself.
it was still warm from his body heat. and the smell of him hit you immediately - smoke, detergent, something woodsy underneath it all.
your entire body practically melted the second you pulled it closer around yourself.
you curled deeper into it instinctively, wrapping yourself up tighter before pulling your legs onto the chair beneath you and hiding them under the oversized fabric.
"look at you." murasakibara smiled faintly once the joint made its way back into his hand again. "all cozy and wrapped up."
he inhaled slowly before exhaling toward the night sky. “i don't think I've ever seen you smile this comfortably before."
your heartbeat stumbled hard enough to make your chest ache.
you swallowed dryly and bit the inside of your cheek just to ground yourself back into reality. because there was something dangerous about his eyes tonight. something that made you want to keep staring.
to let yourself fall into them completely and disappear there for a while.
you couldn't tell if it was the weed talking or if you were simply so deprived of softness that the smallest amount of kindness could ruin you instantly.
“i was kinda worried i fucked something up inviting you out here," he admitted after a moment, rubbing one large hand down his face tiredly. "i only noticed daiki staring at us when i was already walking away."
"don't worry about it," you muttered bitterly. "it was never serious. and it never will be."
your voice sounded exhausted. almost defeated.
“is that why you came out here looking pissed off?" he asked carefully.
he noticed the tears immediately when you stepped outside earlier, even if you tried hiding them. and honestly, he'd started regretting inviting you over the second he realized.
the last thing he wanted was to screw things up between you and his friend.
but after hearing what you'd just said, something uncomfortable twisted inside his chest anyway.
even if you and murasakibara barely knew each other personally, he'd heard about you for a long time already.
mostly through daiki. how "easy" you supposedly were for him. how you always came back.
murasaki hated the way daiki talked about it sometimes. he'd asked him more than once why he kept dragging things out instead of just leaving you alone already.
and daiki's answer was always the same:
"the way she still looks at me after everything keeps pulling me back."
the first time murasakibara saw you in person, he understood exactly what daiki meant.
your eyes practically glowed whenever you looked at him. your pupils widened, your face softened without you realizing it. that stupid, lovesick smile spreading across your lips every single time.
but over time, that look started disappearing.
until one day it vanished completely. you started looking at daiki with exhaustion instead. frustration, uncertainty.
and even if murasakibara never admitted it out loud - not even to himself - something about that made him angry.
because none of it felt fair. still, who was he to interfere in your life?
but then one day, that look returned. those wide eyes, slightly blown pupils. that quiet spark, that same soft, absent-minded smile.
only this time, you were looking at him.
it happened during one of the boys' practice breaks. you handed him a hair tie after he complained about his hair getting in his face, and he thanked you with a small, distracted smile like it was nothing.
and somehow that tiny act of normal human decency nearly made your knees buckle after everything daiki had dragged you through.
"it never had a future," you repeated quietly. you took the joint back and inhaled again.
your thoughts swarmed loudly inside your head while simultaneously growing quieter somehow. then you laughed softly to yourself, eyes fixed on the burning tip. “it's over."
the words left your mouth with tired resignation before you passed the joint along again.
your body melted deeper into the chair.
a loose, relaxed smile spread across your face while your eyes slowly drifted shut. you inhaled deeply.
and for the first time in what felt like forever, it genuinely felt like all the stress was leaking out of your body piece by piece.
you had no idea how much time passed after that.
at some point, murasakibara's friends wandered off somewhere else, leaving the two of you alone outside. the smoke around you faded into the wind while both of you stayed suspended in that hazy half-conscious state.
“fuuuuck," murasakibara groaned suddenly, ripping you out of your trance. "i need food."
he frowned dramatically, staring toward the house with painful longing like he'd just survived a war.
you could practically see him trying to remember what snacks he might've stuffed into his backpack earlier. “do you want to go inside?" you asked softly, glancing back toward the house.
you measured the distance mentally like it was some kind of dangerous expedition before nodding to yourself determinedly.
“alright," you declared with sudden confidence. "we can do this."
you pushed yourself up from the chair. your legs felt stiff as you stretched lazily, your jeans tightening along your hips while your shirt lifted just enough to reveal a strip of skin across your stomach.
murasakibara's oversized button-up hung off your frame badly enough that it almost swallowed you whole. the little rush of energy hitting your system made you weirdly giddy. you turned toward him with a satisfied grin.
“let's go," you ordered dramatically, motioning for him to move already.
“you suddenly have way too much energy," he laughed under his breath while standing up.
and there it was again. that ridiculous height difference.
one second later, he grabbed your hand absentmindedly and started leading you toward the house.
“what are you doing?" you asked through a dumb little laugh. at this point, you weren't even fully processing what was happening anymore.
“so you wouldn't disappear on me again," he said casually, still holding your hand while leading you deeper into the house in search of snacks.
you drifted after him comfortably, letting him part the crowd for you with ease. a few people gave you strange looks as you passed, but at this point you genuinely couldn't bring yourself to care anymore.
you were too warm, too floaty.
eventually, he pulled you upstairs into a room near the landing.
“the guys keep our stuff in ryouta's room," murasakibara muttered once the door clicked shut behind you. "it's quieter here."
you stood in the middle of the unfamiliar room for a second, surrounded only by abandoned bags and scattered clothes before immediately collapsing onto the bed with a relieved sigh.
the pressure in your spine from standing and walking finally disappeared, and the relief that washed over your body felt borderline life-changing.
you squirmed happily against the mattress, rolling from one side to the other while a random wave of pure good mood hit you out of nowhere.
a quiet giggle slipped out before you could stop it.
that instantly caught murasakibara's attention.
he dug through his backpack, pulling out a pack of salty pretzel sticks and sour candy before tossing both onto the bed beside you and lying down next to you himself.
you turned onto your side to face him.
and without realizing it, you stared.
wide eyes, dreamy expression. looking at him with an intensity you'd never allowed yourself before.
you pulled him into your orbit without even trying, and he let himself drift there willingly.
the same way you got lost in his eyes back on the veranda, he now found himself drowning in yours.
his gaze dropped to your lips for a moment.
wondering if crossing that line would ruin everything or finally fix something neither of you knew how to name.
“don't look at me like that," he muttered finally, frowning at you playfully. "it makes me start thinking about things."
“what kind of things?" you asked curiously.
your voice came out slow and syrupy, sticking to the air between you.
“the kind of things you probably can't take back afterward." the tone of his voice told you enough already.
heat rushed into your cheeks instantly. and lower. your knees pressed together subconsciously while you exhaled shakily.
“shiiit," you groaned softly, rubbing your face with both hands. "don't talk like that, murasakibara."
“asushi," he corrected quietly.
you looked at him questioningly.
“call me atsushi." his voice softened slightly. "you don't have to call me murasakibara."
“asushi," you repeated slowly. the name slid off your tongue like it belonged there.
and he felt it immediately.
a shiver crawled over his skin so suddenly it almost annoyed him. he shifted restlessly beside you, trying not to think too hard about how much he liked hearing you say his name.
slowly, carefully. like it meant more than it should.
without resisting the urge this time, he reached up and brushed his fingers against your cheek.
and the second his hand touched your skin, you noticed the size difference instantly.
his palm practically swallowed half your face. a soft rush went through your body.
the tenderness of it nearly hurt.
like your entire heart had been waiting your whole life for touches exactly like this. the kind that said more than words ever could.
gentle, careful, intentional. you wanted more of it immediately.
“girl, what are you doing to me?" he murmured, something slightly dangerous flashing behind his eyes now.
like he suddenly needed more than he'd allowed himself to want before.
“if you only knew what you're doing to me," you whispered back without thinking.
at this point, you didn't want to pull away anymore.
everything inside you kept gravitating toward him, and now every feeling was amplified by the haze still clouding your bloodstream.
“don't keep talking," he warned quietly, jaw tightening. "or this is going to get worse."
his name escaped your lips softly, tangled up in all the tension buzzing through your nerves.
“if you want to do it..." you whispered, "then do it."
and just like that, whatever restraint he still had snapped clean in half.
and it felt like an explosion underneath your skin. like fireworks tearing through your bloodstream all at once.
all that unbearable tension finally broke apart, and for the first time all night, you felt completely free.
you kissed him back immediately. slow, deep.
the softness of his lips against yours felt almost unreal, and after a moment his tongue brushed into your mouth like he'd been thinking about it for far too long already.
and the second he tasted you, he knew he was in trouble.
because now he wanted more.
he pulled you closer until you ended up straddling him, sitting across his stomach while leaning over his mouth. little breaths kept slipping from your lips every time he sucked lightly on your lower lip or when his hands settled against your hips.
then his kisses started trailing lower. along your jaw, your neck.
his hands guided your movements absentmindedly, helping your hips roll against him through layers of clothing.
and suddenly everything felt intense again. every little movement, every brush of friction. every pulse of heat between your thighs.
“do you like it?" he asked quietly against your neck between kisses and slow bites.
every now and then he'd suck gently at your skin, leaving warmth blooming behind.
“tell me you like it," he murmured impatiently.
“oh- ngh- i-i do," you breathed out softly, head tipping back as pleasure rolled through you.
his hands slipped beneath your shirt, pushing the fabric upward while your hips kept moving instinctively against him.
you felt the hardness pressed beneath his jeans the second you shifted against it.
and when you did, atsushi inhaled sharply through his teeth before grinning against your skin.
his hands wandered slowly up your body until they reached your chest, fingertips brushing over the sensitive peaks hidden beneath the thin fabric of your bra.
“show me how much you like it," he growled softly.
his massive hands held you easily while his thumbs moved teasingly over the fabric, and the sensation shot through your body so fast it almost made your vision blur.
a broken gasp escaped you as you pressed harder against him without thinking.
and the way he looked at you nearly destroyed you completely.
completely addicted to the sight of you falling apart beneath every touch.
a wave of embarrassment suddenly crashed into you. you were grinding against him so desperately already.
twitching at every movement.
your body is reacting before your brain can even catch up.
“show me how much you want me," he said, his voice deeper now - possessive in a way that made your stomach tighten.
because somewhere along the way, atsushi realized he wanted this entirely for himself.
wanted you looking at him like this.
wanted to be the only person who got to see your face unravel from pleasure.
wanted every kiss after tonight to belong to him.
“fuuuck- ngh-" you whimpered softly as the tension inside your body started tightening dangerously. “atsushi..."
none of this felt familiar.
everything he did felt new somehow.
his attention was intoxicating enough on its own, pulling you deeper and deeper into the storm of sensations until every touch dragged you closer to the edge.
“just let it happen," he said softly, watching you carefully.
he could see the uncertainty in you - the confusion from how overwhelming this all felt already.
you clearly hadn't expected your body to react this strongly from something that still felt so small compared to what you imagined intimacy was supposed to be.
your entire body already ached pleasantly from his hands. from the friction. grom wanting more than you even knew how to ask for.
“c'mon, baby," he coaxed playfully, rolling his hips up against yours slightly. "i know you can do it. just let go."
his voice buried itself deep inside your head, fogging every remaining thought.
“show me how good I make you feel."
and that was it. the final push.
pleasure crashed through your entire body all at once, sharp and overwhelming enough to steal the air from your lungs.
the orgasm hit hard, locking your muscles up in waves that refused to let you breathe properly for several long seconds.
atsushi pulled you against him immediately, grounding all your shaking movements while you melted apart in his arms.
you breathed heavily against his chest, dissolving slowly beneath the weight of his hands holding you steady.
your head buzzed violently.
but somehow the rapid beat of his heart calmed you more than anything else.
you felt his lips brush against your damp hair while his fingers traced slow, soothing circles against your back.
“you did so good, little one," he praised softly, tugging you closer. "now let me make it even better."
his voice dropped lower against your skin.
“let me make you mine." a pause. "and i swear you'll never feel the way you did with daiki ever again."
another kiss against your temple.
“let me show you what it's supposed to feel like."
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a/n: omg i genuinely love rereading my stuff sober and realizing the masterpieces i apparently create at 3am 😮💨 every single time i’m shocked by how much sense it actually makes
okeyyy i probably won’t finish another chapter tonight (the x uni student reader one), i’ve been awake for like 30 hours straight and i have a 12h shift tomorrow 🙂↕️ hopefully i’ll manage to cook something up after work
i’m going to sleep now, enjoy the new episode
