He’s Helping Me Heal And He Doesn’t Know It 🥀

Can’t believe I’m 24

[damsel-x]

Somewhere out there is a version of me that didn't forgive you and right now I envy her.

She's not in bed crying thinking if she's enough.

She's not playing it over in her head to make sense of it all.

She doesn't need reassurances that make her feel emptied because she had to beg for it.

She won't have to pretend that she's okay tomorrow when you ask if she's had a good rest.

She might be lonely but at least she's not sad. I know she's not sad because she was brave enough to leave you.

[damsel-x]

My ex would always drop my hand and say he doesn’t like holding hands regardless of where we were or if anybody was around. He would never cuddle with me and sometimes made it a point to sleep in the same room but separate beds. At the time everything about it made me think there was something wrong with me for being too clingy or needy, I would suppress what I wanted just to avoid conflict. I now realize that there’s nothing wrong with asking for affection in a relationship. I resented him for a long time, thinking he never really gave me what I wanted but looking back he was just asking for what he wanted too. There’s nothing wrong with being affectionate or not being affectionate, at the end of the day it’s all just preference. I never needed to hold back on what I wanted, I also never needed to force my needs on him. I was just asking the wrong person. My boyfriend now always holds my hand, kisses me in parks, and holds me all night long. There was never a problem with me, I just needed to find someone that wanted to show affection as much as me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been because I finally found someone who’s love languages align with mine. I never have to doubt if I’m loved now because I feel it everyday.

[damsel-x]

Today a friend posted some candid pictures from a trip we had recently where I took my boyfriend. And in every single one I'm holding hands with my boyfriend.

We are never apart and there was a time in my life that would have been unimaginable but now it just comes so naturally and we just gravitate towards each other every chance we get. Seeing those pictures made me realise how fortunate I am that I didn't give up on love. You really are never asking the right person if you communicate your needs and it is met with an argument.

I hope you find the peace and love I now share with my boyfriend.

[damsel-x]

Did anybody else here develop parsing as a coping mechanism? My ex would be so good at lying I had to decode every little thing he said because he would hide things and say he didn’t because he said it in the most innocuous way. I haven’t done it in a while because I haven’t had the need to. My defenses are always down with my current partner and it feels so good to be in a healthy and secure relationship. I feel so at peace that I can take everything he says as is because there’s no lack of communication and no hidden agendas in what he says and the way he says them.

But I am not perfect, I am damaged and it’s something I’ve had to accept. I find myself staring at the things my partner messages, good thing now when I do it just further reaffirms how much he cares for me and how safe I am with him. My coping mechanisms, the thing that used to tell me I’m in danger, has now become a way for me to feel safer and loved.

I’m still healing but that’s okay.

[damsel-x]

My ex would always drop my hand and say he doesn’t like holding hands regardless of where we were or if anybody was around. He would never cuddle with me and sometimes made it a point to sleep in the same room but separate beds. At the time everything about it made me think there was something wrong with me for being too clingy or needy, I would suppress what I wanted just to avoid conflict. I now realize that there’s nothing wrong with asking for affection in a relationship. I resented him for a long time, thinking he never really gave me what I wanted but looking back he was just asking for what he wanted too. There’s nothing wrong with being affectionate or not being affectionate, at the end of the day it’s all just preference. I never needed to hold back on what I wanted, I also never needed to force my needs on him. I was just asking the wrong person. My boyfriend now always holds my hand, kisses me in parks, and holds me all night long. There was never a problem with me, I just needed to find someone that wanted to show affection as much as me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been because I finally found someone who’s love languages align with mine. I never have to doubt if I’m loved now because I feel it everyday.

[damsel-x]

I deleted all our pictures today. I couldn’t even bring myself to do it, I had to delete them and let recently deleted do it’s thing. Every so often for 30 days I’d go back and see if it was gone and today it was.

I feel really sad that it’s all gone now. I feel like I deleted four years of my life. This isn’t gonna be some bullshit that I feel sad because there were good parts of the relationship, I know there was barely any good things in that relationship to cling to. I think I’m sad because I recognize that even though those were bad parts, they were still my parts, of my life and of my journey. I feel like I feel bad now because I have learned to love the bad parts because I know that they eventually brought me to where I am now. I am sad that the bad parts are gone because I have come to terms with those parts of myself. I am a survivor of domestic abuse. I was strong enough to walk away. I love myself and all my parts.

[damsel-x]

Today I realized how it’s the small things you never forget.

I was talking to my boyfriend about how much weight I’ve put on and how it’s been making me sad. I held my stomach and said I didn’t have these extra layers before. He said “That’s not fat, that’s your stomach. Everybody’s got a stomach, right?” And in that moment, I knew I was safe and that I was accepted.

My ex used to tell me that I was always bloated and that it didn’t look normal, that I needed to workout more and get it checked because I must be sick to be that bloated. He made me self conscious and I had unknowingly carried it to my current boyfriend.

My boyfriend is so good and gentle with me. He’s unknowingly helping me heal from trauma he did not cause. I hope you find someone that helps you heal from the things you thought you’d forgotten too.

[damsel-x]

I couldn’t sleep. I guess some part of me wanted to prolong the last day that I got to talk to you. Not sleeping gave me hope that you’d call me and change your mind about us. But I need to let you go, because letting you go means letting go of all the hurt and anger that came with you. And as much as i wanted to hold onto hope, I knew what I really needed was peace, and maybe sleep.

[damsel-x]

I love you so much that being without you terrified me. It was either you or no one else. I couldn’t see myself with another person, frankly, I still can’t see myself with another person. For the longest time this held me from walking away even when you did things I didn’t deserve. I knew it was really time to break up with you when I got over the fear of being alone. I still can’t see myself with anyone else, but being alone was better than being with you.

2/18/22

[damsel-x]

The other day u asked me what i wanted and i told u to build me a time machine, u assumed i wanted to go back to before the break up so this could have been avoided but it wasn’t what i meant. I wanted to go back to the day we met and unmeet you. It would have spared me from so much pain. Not bc i think that if i had been with a relationship with someone else they wouldn’t have hurt me, but bc I wouldn’t have loved them as hard as i love you, it would be easier bc at least that way i could walk away. I love you too much to walk away but somedays are just so unbearable.

[damsel-x]

You want to know the secret to staying with a partner that cheated? It’s not about trusting them to not doing it again, it’s about trusting yourself, knowing that you’re strong enough to walk away if they do will make all the difference.

[damsel-x]

Why is it so hard to leave a relationship even if you know it’s not good for you?

[damsel-x]

How to tell if you’re in a toxic relationship?

When you don’t know whether you’re more scared of not ending up together or ending up together. Let me explain..

When you think of your partner, they mean the world to you. You have this vision of your perfect future together with them, you have all these plans, and sometimes it seems like the world could crumble if those plans don’t come true.

Then there are bad days. I know relationship all have bad days, but a bad day in a toxic relationship could make you question everything. You’re scared of what’s in front of you but then you’re also scared at the thought of “What if this is it? Is this what my life is gonna be like? Is this love?” And it scares you to your core that the answer is yes. And the only reason the answer is yes is because of you, bc you can’t leave a situation that isn’t good for you and your mental/emotional/physical health.

So what’s more scary? Losing the imaginary future you’ve constructed in your head, or spending a life you know the inevitable outcome is that you’re not happy nor taken cared of?

[remanence-of-love]

[damsel-x]

So I read something today and it made me question myself.

“Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship? Because you’re toxic too. You’re addicted to pain and drama and not success.”

[damsel-x]

So the other day I was feeling insecure and asked my boyfriend if he would still love me if I get a little fat, and he said “of course I would, but I don’t think you’ll love yourself” and then I realized my boyfriend loved me more than I love myself.

[damsel-x]

I’ve been cheated on so many times lol anybody wanna ask me a question I’m basically an expert now.

[damsel-x]

So lately I’ve been thinking about why people don’t let their partners do certain things, whether it’s hang out with a specific person, go to a specific place, or just straight up don’t talk to someone. Why do we do it? Is it because we’re trying to cling onto something because we for sure know what’s going to happen if we don’t? Is it because we know they’re gonna disrespect and disregard us if we don’t? Bc they have in the past and we know they’re perfectly capable of doing so?

We shouldn’t force them to do that. We shouldn’t have to tell them not to cheat. Don’t we deserve a parter that’s not gonna do all those things on their own? Isn’t our only job to communicate that this is how we feel and it is up to our partners to decide what to do next?

Let them be stupid, let them ruin the relationship. If they were only being a good partner because you were forcing them to be and not because they wanted to be well then they’re really not worth keeping.