Dating For Science

There was a time in my life when I had active profiles on over 12 dating sites and apps. This is what I have learned.

[datingforscience]

GODDAMIT! Can't a lady just play Words with Friends in peace? This is not good science. Don't do this.

[datingforscience]

Hi, I like you page a lot. I'm new to online dating, and dating in general and I was wondering... Have you ever started a conversation with someone online and liked them instantly, but knew they were definitely the type of person who could hurt you (emotionally)? How do you deal with that?

What a question!

First off, thank you for reading. Since you are new to  online dating and dating in general, you should probably read every single post on this blog. If you don’t have the time to do that, I can sum everything up in one sentence for you:

Trust your gut, be kind, and tell someone where you’re going.

What you are describing above - starting a conversation with someone you know could potentially hurt you - is pretty much how every single relationship begins, whether we understand that at the time or not. The truth of the matter is: everyone we come in contact with has the ability to hurt us in some way.

Taking a leap of faith and opening yourself up to heart break is one of the most terrifying and rewarding experiences you can have when it comes to dating. Sometimes it works out. Oftentimes it does not.

That’s why they make ice cream and streaming media and friends.

So, to answer your question: I deal with it by realizing it is a normal part of the experience. I enter into each situation with curiosity and flexibility and if something seems like trouble, I get out. Usually. Sometimes I stay for the trouble - because I learned that’s something I do - but usually it isn’t worth it. Except for that one time...

In some ways I think that if there isn’t a little part of you that is scared of what may happen if the person you are with suddenly doesn’t want to be with you, you might not be with the right person.

Vulnerability is so scary. But also so sexy. 

Also, I’ve learned more about myself during break-ups than I have while in a relationship and, in my opinion, that’s made each relationship about 600% more valuable than it originally was. So there’s that.

Good luck!

[datingforscience]

Happy Endings

Sometimes I need to remind myself that happy endings are real and they do happen. And some days that is easier than others. But then some days, you have really awesome followers to remind you. This is one of those days. V- take it away:

Hi! I would like to contribute my true story of online dating. I always told myself I would NEVER do the online dating thing. Flashback to a little over 3 years ago, I was newly single - I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship with an undercover asshole. But that’s a different story. Anyway, I noticed my male co-worker on this dating site called Ok Cupid. I was curious about it because he said he went out and met some cool people. He convinced me to create a profile and see what happens. So, reluctantly I did. At first I got a lot of weird, sexual messages that I had NO interest in. Call me old school but I’m the kind of girl who needs to get to know the guy and feel something before even thinking about sex. (Editor’s note: this is not old school - this is normal.)

Then after about 3 months of going on a few uninteresting dates, this very handsome guy winked at me. So I winked back. Then he messaged me a very honest message about himself. I read on his profile he was looking for a committed relationship. Hmm… Intriguing I thought. We messaged back and forth for the rest of the night before he finally asked for my phone number. We texted for a day or two before he asked me to meet up with him Friday night. Friday night I went out to dinner with my BFF and we had a little too many margaritas. I told her my plans to meet with the Ok Cupid guy and she of course wanted to join in. 

Truthfully, it was the first time I was actually nervous to meet someone I met off the internet. He just seemed too good to be true so I was very skeptical. He was kind, handsome and successful. From what I knew at the time, that rarely existed and there had to be something wrong with him. Well my BFF and I headed to one of our fav bars and waited for Ok Cupid guy to show. About 10 minutes later, in walks this handsome guy who walks straight over to me and gives me a hug and introduces himself as Ok Cupid guy. He was nice and we talked for a bit. My BFF had to grill him with questions but it all went well. We decided to go to another bar where I danced very seductively on him. 

By the end of the night I was drunk and we made out. The next day I was feeling some regret about how I made out with him. I usually did not kiss on the first date. I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression but I thought oh well I guess we’ll see. Later that day he texted me and asked me to go out on a real date with him. He suggested dinner and a scary movie. I was happy to say yes.

 After a few months of dating I knew this guy was it for me. He was everything I didn’t know I was looking for and more. He told me he loved me rather quickly and things for us just clicked. 

Fast forward to about a year later he proposed.

Then the following year we got married. 

It’s now been almost a year since we’ve been married and to this day my family thinks we met at a bar. I wanted to share my story with you and your readers, I don’t know what you all are looking for but I wanted to let you know once you sort through all the assholes, it is possible to meet a good guy who you can have a future with. I really enjoy your blog! Thanks!!! 

Thank you for sharing your story V!

[datingforscience]

Do you agree?

[datingforscience]

Hey I really love your blog! Anyways I recently joined Seeking Arrangement. I'm a 18 year old college student , and tomorrow I'm meeting my first "older " guy . I'm a bit nervous , any advice ? ( I picked a public place in case anything bad were to happen )

I operate on the buddy system: tell a friend where you are going and make sure to check in with them to let them know how it's going, if you head to his house or a different location, etc. It's always good to make sure someone you trust knows where you are. If you're having a good time- awesome! They'll be happy to hear it. On the flip side, if you wanna get out of there, you have an excuse and a co-conspirator. And always trust your gut :)Have fun!

[datingforscience]

Hey! Just read a post you made about seekingarrangement. com. I joined a couple of weeks ago and my approval is still pending! My phone has been ringing off the hook form unknown numbers, and I'm receiving random spam mail and I normally ignore them. But I'm wondering if this is why I'm still pending. Any ideas on what I can do?

Are you still pending? I'd try to get in touch with some administrators of the site if so. Try reaching out on social media if they aren't responsive through a customer service line or email address - I find sometimes that gets a quicker response these days. Also, did you include your phone number in your profile or sign up information? I don't recommend putting your digits anywhere on these sites. Or even giving them out too early in the messaging process. That sucks about all the spam email. Let me know if it continues even after unsubscribing from all of the site's email alerts!

[datingforscience]

Answers for My Troll

You guys! Some boy that I went out with is upset that I didn’t like him back or something and so now he’s doing the right thing by sending me anonymous messages asking me the really important questions!

Now, I can’t go find him on the play ground to pull his hair or push him down, because, again, he did the noble and good thing and decided to send in his kind questions anonymously soooooo - I’ll just have to answer them all here and hope and pray that he is able to see my replies!

(Note: For the 30 minutes it will take me to thoroughly answer all of these questions, I have taken all of the dicks out of my mouth. Every single one.)

Question 1: Be Honest. How many donuts do you consume per week?

A: I have not consumed a donut in approximately 6 months and some days. I was in Portland at the time and well, they have this place called Voodoo Donuts and if you go there and don’t eat a donut, you’re fucking up. It was National Donut Day not too long ago but sadly, I was working from home and missed out on the office donuts which I would have gladly partaken in had I been there. Honestly.

Question 2: Do you sometimes look at the cottage cheese that covers your thighs and feel sad inside?

A: The last time I had cottage cheese covering my thighs I actually WAS sad because I had spilled an entire container of cottage cheese all over my lap in what should have been an idyllic picnic setting. But the saddness was more outside - I turned red from embarrassment - and less inside. I save inside sad for when I eat cottage cheese that has turned or something. 

I have a feeling you might be talking about cellulite though. (It’s ok, we can’t all know the big words for these things.) I actually don’t have cellulite on my thighs just yet soooooo - this is a non-starter. And honestly, if I did, I would not give any fucks. No one has ever been like, “nah Kate, I don’t want you to fuck me tonight because the skin on your thighs is not perfectly smooth.” You didn’t even have that option because I obviously was not even considering having sex with you. Good try though!

Question 3: How does it feel to not only have a moustache but also a double chin?

A: It feels pretty human. Sometimes the double chin feels good - it comes out when I am laughing really, really hard. Like when I got this message. Laughter always feels good. Unless it is nervous laughter.

Are you doing that right now?

Should you be?

Question 4: Do you ever feel bad that you let a lot of random strangers put their dicks in your mouth because you are that thirsty for validation?

A: I don’t. And here’s why: when I hook up with someone, I always find it empowering whether their dick is in my mouth or any other orifice. I’m not thirsty for male validation. I get that through my incredible relationships with my male friends and family.

I am thirsty for professional validation, though. This is a whole other blog post... And involves way less dicks in my mouth, usually. (I’m not in sales.)

Question 5: When was the last time someone asked you out in real life?

A: I was asked out yesterday in Trader Joe’s. By the bananas. (Hot.)

So there you go Anonymous. I hope you got the answers you were looking for! Please do keep sending me one-off questions based on recycled elementary school era fat jokes and slut shaming without signing them like the proud, brave, stand-up man that I know you are.

Kisses,

Kate

[datingforscience]

Losses & Gain(e)s

Guys - I’ve deleted all of my online dating profiles and apps.

I actually did this a while ago but needed to feel it out before I wrote about it. I am a woman of habit and routine, see. I’ve gone to the same coffee place every day for the past 5 years to get a coffee and plain bagel, toasted with cream cheese. I am comforted by the routine and take great pleasure in walking in to a cafe in the middle of San Francisco’s Financial District and only having to nod my head to order. Lucy, the bagel lady, calls me Ms. Pink.

I fucking love Lucy.

Similarly, I took pleasure in the constant checking of various dating apps. What sort of weird messages would await me? Has someone new signed up? Will I run into someone I know? Might there be a gem of a message waiting for me? every time I opened an app, there was validation. It may come in the form of a crude message, but it was there.

It became a bit of an addiction honestly. That was how I filled my time. Heads down on the phone... for science. Or something. In the beginning, it was wildly empowering... an experience I needed to have to fully realize my potential. But then this year happened. 

This year (only about half way through!) has fucked me up, to be quite honest. I’ve endured a great deal of loss - the most I’ve ever had to endure in my life thus far.

And it shut me down.

I did not know how to handle the news of my friend Marques Gaines’ tragic and untimely passing and so I turned inward and completed isolated myself from what I would consider a normal, healthy cadence of human interaction. I justified this because I wasn’t totally shunning people - I was online after all.

After a funeral, one drink sometimes isn’t enough.

The ease of connection in today’s culture through social networking and online dating is a dangerous thing. Because when your heart hurts and you really truly just need someone to hug you and tell you that things are going to be ok, you instead write a status update with a frowny face emoticon and stay crumpled up in your bed and wait for the comments to come in. It fills the time and hollows you out all at once.

When you isolate yourself, you have a lot of time to think. So I thought a lot about online dating. My science. I noticed a pretty drastic down turn in the quality of profiles online this last go-round. I said it out loud a few times to co-workers and friends: I think online dating in the bay area is over. There are just too many people doing it. The market is flooded. No one puts in effort anymore because no one really needs to. If you click through enough profiles or swipe enough people right, you’ll find find someone that will do for the night or the week or until someone else sends you a wink.

There is no more artistry in it. There is no more science. Suddenly everyone is polyamorous. WTF? Do you know how emotionally taxing polyamory is? I just don’t buy it.

ANYWAY.

And so, because of this, I made the decision to just stop it all, cold turkey. I was exchanging messages with someone on OK Cupid at the time. We had just exchanged phone numbers to make plans and the next time I logged in to OKC, I noticed he had deleted his profile.

My initial reaction to this was, “WOW. Ghosted before the first date! New record. I FUCKING HATE THIS.”

So I texted him to ask what was up and he said, very honestly, “I think I’m too good for online dating.”

And it resonated.

We met up not too long after that initial exchange and I was immediately in lust. So much so, I flipped out on our first date and fled his apartment quickly saying, “you scare me” after spending nearly an entire day together. 

I’m Kate Regan. 

I don’t lose my cool.

But that day I did. And when I got home I was like, “oh shit! THIS is what they talk about when you meet the love of your life and you somehow go insane because love is crazy and makes you crazy and THIS. IS. IT.”

The next day, I deleted everything, acutely aware of some sort of shift taking place inside myself but unable to articulate exactly what that shift was. The hopeless romantic inside of me also was swooning all over the place, thinking about what a wonderful and symbolic thing it was that the man I ultimately end up with is the last man I ever meet online.

But you know what wise men say: fools rush in.

I knew that. I fucking love that song. But I did it anyway. Because I don’t know any other speed, I am coming to learn. And being such an active participant in the online dating community certainly wasn’t helping me there.

Love does make you do crazy shit. However, when that crazy shit is actually your fight or flight response kicking into overdrive, causing you to flee - perhaps you should take a step back and realize that sometimes that pit in your stomach is not the love, it’s the gut reaction telling you to chill the fuck out.

Instant gratification everywhere is a dangerous thing when you recognize in yourself that you haven’t taken the appropriate amount of time to evaluate relationships and people in the past. This is where I falter. This is, for lack of a better phrase, my growth opportunity.

Against my better judgement, I rushed this new relationship along. And as I sit here and write this today, I think I may have imploded it beyond repair. I can’t tell if I think that because it is easy for me to justify the end of something if I can take responsibility for its ultimate demise, or if I’m choosing the easy way out because I’ve reached emotional capacity.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. And that’s a whole other standalone post that I’m note ready to write.

I reached emotional capacity not too long ago, on vacation to Austin, where shit got really unexpectedly heavy straight out of the gate. It’s not everyday you drive 3.5 hours to attend a memorial service, drive 3.5 hours back and immediately get news that another friend has passed away. 

John played an important role in my life and I never really got that chance to tell him that or thank him for it. After meeting him, I began writing again. For pleasure. I sent him civil war themed love letters that included Lil’ Wayne lyrics. He never wrote me back, but I didn’t care. That wasn’t the point. He loved receiving the letters and I loved writing them. It was weird and wonderful and I am so thankful for that outlet and interaction. 

Everyone you meet plays a role. It’s true.  

John’s death hurt in a different way. In a way I am still trying to make sense of. Did I mention this all happened a little over 24 hours into the start of my vacation? Yeah, it’s fine. Fuck this year though, for real.

You don’t get to choose these moments... but you do get to choose how you react, to a certain extent. Luckily for me, I was surrounded with people I love and who love me. People I could lose my shit on the living room floor with. It softens the blow. 

It also delayed the blow. When I returned home and was alone with myself and my thoughts, shit got real dark.

Like, fetal position in the bathroom dark. Like, I don’t want to reach out to anyone right now because I will totally bum them out and they won’t know how to handle how incredibly sad and lonely I am, dark.

And I let it stay dark for a while. I marinated in it. I’ve always thought it was pretty important to allow yourself to feel your feelings. So I felt them all. So hard.

After some days of intense, sometimes scary sadness, I woke up and was just tired of feeling this way. A bright spot in an otherwise dark vacation illuminated the possibilities of friendship and support that were open to me in my life that I had selectively ignored in the past months due to my shut down. 

I was unable to see these possibilities while curled up on the bathroom floor. I was unable to see these possibilities with my head buried in my phone. 

These possibilities do not live online. 

Online support and validation can not pick you up off the bathroom floor.

People can.

And in a year where I have lost some of my people, this has been a very important ah-ha moment for me: In loss one can gain perspective. And sometimes that’s all you really need.

That and a hug. 

A real one.

I miss you everyday Marques. 

And John, I hope you have found your peace. 

Please know that losing you has helped me start to find mine, for what it’s worth.

[datingforscience]

hi, i've enjoyed reading your blog. i was doing research regarding race & online dating, and was exploring a premise i heard about the undesireability of asian males and how this group needed income levels 4x more than non-asian males in order to be 'desireable'. this led to a search of seeking arrangement, since money is the factor there, which led to your blog! anyhow, have you seen this from okcupid blog, "Race and Attraction". its old but i would welcome your well-formulated thoughts on it

I have to admit, I haven't seen that post from OK Cupid. Can you share the link? I recently listened to a podcast featuring the story of an Asian woman talking about her experience online dating and dealing with white guys that have "yellow fever" and found it very interesting. That didn't touch on any economics of the situation though...

[datingforscience]

It’s another guest post from contributor Matthew P.   My reaction when a lady from Bumble texts me that she forgot about our date while I'm already on the way in an uber that's blasting totally appropriate music.

[datingforscience]

Man Worried Harassing Messages He Sending On Dating App Getting Lost Among Abuse From Other Guys

NORRISTOWN, PA—Saying he wasn’t sure whether writing to them was even worth the effort at this point, local man Luke Browning expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the offensive messages he’s been sending women through OkCupid are getting lost among all the harassment from other male users.

The Onion really nails it.

[datingforscience]

The Jerk

I present to you a complete text message conversation spanning two days with, well, a jerk. Let me set the scene:

We matched on Tinder and it took me a good bit of messaging back and forth to convince him to come to a special SF Symphony performance involving the NFL for our first date. (This should have been red flag  #1 - if a seemingly cool girl invites you to a free NFL/Symphony, thing grow a pair and go. Don’t hem and haw about it like a goddamn pansy. It’s just a few hours of your life.)

Days following our outing, which I thought was fun, I received news that my friend Marques had been killed and at that moment, all science stopped, for obvious reasons.

There were a few texts back and forth between me and “Jasonthecoolest” (his name on Tinder, btw) but I got the feeling that this guy was only kinda into me and texted me when it was convenient for him. That’s not a thing I want to get involved with for a few reasons:

1. I’d like to be involved with a guy who wants to see me ALL of the time

2. I know myself well enough now to realize that when put in this situation, I will ferociously pursue a guy, even if he kinda sucks, just to get the validation

What? They say acceptance is the first part of recovery, right? 

Soooo ANYWAY: I write him off and go to Atlanta for a funeral and have some feelings and come home and have more feelings and by now a few weeks have gone by without hearing from Jasonthecoolest and I pretty much forget about him...

...until earlier this week at around 7:30 am. Yep. AM.

Um, ok.

Where did this kinda-asshole come from? His dark heart comment gets me riled up and I start getting all LADYPARTY about things while simultaneously becoming more intrigued because i just cant figure this guy out. So I play along:

^^^^^ LOL ^^^^^^

So at this point, I’m feeling a little salty about the whole thing as this guy, through his weird timing and tone has made me feel like I’m his back burner chick who he texts when it is convenient, even if that is at 7:30 am. So, I decide to get real because at this point, I have nothing to lose.

A few things here:

1. Yes, I lied about not putting him on the blog, but I said that before he pulled some real shit, which you’ll see later in this post.

2. My trip to Atlanta was to attend a funeral, asshole.

3. When someone hints at going to see Prince with you, there shouldn’t have to be more explanation. Get your shit together.

.... but then I read the “I did have fun with you and I’d do it again” and somehow I still do not write this guy off completely because I do this thing where I somehow undervalue myself to a certain extent and due to this tend to jump on any opportunity where it has been explicitly stated or implied that a guy is into me, irregardless of his behavior, because I know I seek that validation, even though I know better.

To his credit, this is surely what he was hoping would happen. Well played, jerk.

I hate that I do this and I’m working on it but at this very moment, I’m trying to walk the line between keeping it real and keeping him a possibility:

I know, I know. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. This dude is definitely not Bruce worthy and if that wasn’t clear already his use of “boner killer” should have been the final clue.

I wasn’t actually meeting a friend for dinner that night. That was a lie. Had I been honest, I would have said something along the lines of, “no, I don’t entertain invitations to meet up with someone when they come hours before the desired meet-up because I’m busy and important and goddammit, I like to plan in advance.”

ANYWAY

This concludes the first day of this weird ass text exchange.

By then end of it, I have confused myself into thinking I am somehow still intrigued enough by this person to think I might actually want to see him this weekend. Later that night after mulling over the entire conversation and checking in a bit deeper with myself, I realize I am crazy. 

This guy sucks and there’s no way in hell he’s getting one of my two comp tickets to see Bruce Springsteen. Rather than letting him know right away, I sit on that and wait until he inevitably texts me again, which happens to be the very next night:

Wait, what are you doing here dude? Did you forget about Bruce? (HOW COULD YOU?!) At this point, I’m seriously WTFing all over my living room trying to figure out this guy’s angle. I also use the “still working excuse” to head off any requests to meet that night because it’s 8:30 on a Wednesday and I’m at home watching “The Girls Tell All” episode of The Bachelor and you are not getting me off this couch for anything, especially for a fool who is trying to pull some weird mind game shit.

And then things go downhill very quickly:

One of my guys from Settl? Seriously? This is when it becomes very clear to me he is trying to neg me. (Not familiar with negging? Congrats. It’s a shitty thing started by some shitty guys who call themselves ‘pick-up artists.’ More scientifically, negging is a rhetorical strategy whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise insulting remark to another person in order to undermine his or her confidence in a way that gains approval.)

So I screenshot the conversation from just one day ago and send it to him and laugh for a second about how sending a picture of a text message in a text message is ridiculous.

Ridiculous just like this jerk! 

At this point, I am over this guy.

And that’s the end of that. 

It’s been a while since I have dealt with a guy who was so into games. I’ve been pretty good about filtering those people out because, as you can see, I fucking HATE games. They also sometimes work on me and I know this, so I try to avoid them at all cost.

I did not respond back to Jasonthecoolest, so I suppose this entire post could be considered my response.

Jasonthecoolest: I think you’re a jerk.

And you know what your biggest mistake was?

Continuing to be a jerk to a woman with a blog and balls bigger than yours.

Zing! 

Science!

[datingforscience]

File this under: DUH

Women Who Message Dudes First on OKCupid Are Getting More Dates 

Ladies and gentlemen, if this information comes as a surprise to you, I’d like to remind you that sometimes the only way to get what you want is to... ASK FOR IT.

[datingforscience]

How to Date Like an Adult

Not too long ago someone on OKC asked me if I ever share any positive science on the blog and my answer was somewhat sad: I’d like to - but positive, blog-worthy interactions are hard to come by.

With that being said, let me introduce you to Jack. Or rather, let me share how Jack introduced himself to me:

Before we go any further, I want to point out that Jack has given me permission to post this - photo, username and all. 

ANYWAY

This is a great first message. It shows he read my entire profile which, in all honesty, isn’t that long. It is shocking to me how many people don;t get below the fold. (I can tell because that’s where I mention the blog and a lot of people are surprised when I bring it up.)

This message has it all: compliments, jokes, specific adventure plans. He asks what I am looking for, which indicates he actually cares about what I am looking for... it just works.

So, I respond:

The conversation continues:

Jack’s got messaging game.

So fast forward through some banter and we end up arranging a time to meet. He suggests coffee. Now while DFS contributor Matthew P. does not ever want to go tea, I will entertain the coffee first date if it’s scheduled for a weekend afternoon. I will not entertain this when we’re talking about coffee at 7pm on a weeknight. Let’s get real.

I convince Jack to meet me at a bar. 

I arrive early (I prefer to be the first person there so I can choose seating) and get us some seats at the end of an otherwise empty communal table. I cringe at the idea of meeting an online date for the first time in front of a communal table audience. Then I remember who I am and decide it was a pretty LADYPARTY choice and settle down.

In messages he mentioned he was kind of a lightweight, so I wait for him to arrive before ordering a drink. In the past I’ve pulled a thing where I order two drinks before my date arrives: a gin and tonic and an old fashioned. When the date arrives, I let him choose which one he wants.

(You’re welcome for that. It’s a pretty sweet move if you know for certain your date is not sober, otherwise you have to drink both and well, that’s not going to end well.)

ANYWAY

In walks Jack and we hug like strangers and take our seats. He insists on formally introducing himself, handshake and all. If it wasn’t weird before, it is right at that moment. But he’s a conversationalist, full of interesting stories and his kind demeanor immediately puts me at ease. I end up ordering a Sauv Blanc, I’m so comfortable. (I rarely order white wine on dates. It’s a perception thing. I’ll usually go for a Manhattan or a beer, depending on where I’d like the night to go.)

Despite his intriguing past and charming vibes, I’m not feeling it. I notice that without realizing it, my body has turned completely away from him and I’m basically dangling on the outer edge of my stool. At this point, I end up having a rambunctious argument with myself in my head on the topic of real or perceived self sabotage: am I not feeling it because he is so nice and I actually don’t want to allow myself nice things guys? 

I decide to let things play out over another drink. Two Sauv Blancs in, I just can’t shake the feeling that should this continue, I’d end up drunk with power in the relationship, walking all over this poor guy who is so fucking nice and smart and motivated and interesting and one day I’d wake up and shatter his heart in a million little pieces when I realize that while this is fun, I need someone who will call me on my bullshit and give me a little trouble every now and again.

Yep, I just lived out our entire relationship 1 hour into meeting him for the first time. I also decided that I would not be sleeping with him 5 minutes after the intro hug. What?

We split the check, which I always recommend on a first date.

As we gather our things to leave, he pops a big piece of gum in his mouth.

I walk him to the entrance of the BART station and he says he had a great time. I tell him I also had a good time, which I did, despite all that internal bullshittery. He then asks me very politely if he can kiss me.

I knew this was coming because of the gum and all, yet I am still taken aback. It’s been a minute since someone asked permission for a kiss. I was simultaneously impressed and annoyed.

But I really like kissing, so I gave him the green light.

After all, this was the one move that would help settle my internal argument because, well, Betty Everett says so. 

So we kiss. It’s a decent kiss but there are no fireworks for me. 

I go home and for the rest of the night wonder if I’m just actually an asshole for not being into Jack immediately. He has so many qualities I am looking for! What the hell is wrong with me?

The next day, Jack texts me while I am at work around 10am:

Sigh.

This is the least sexy and most accurate post-date text I have ever received.

I spend the rest of the day wondering what to do. I was also pretty busy, so I didn;t feel too bad about the 6ish hour delay in my response. 

(Side note: One of my pet peeves about texting is when people think just because they text you, they deserve an immediate response. The only person I will always be 100% immediately available to is my mother, thank you very much.)

Ultimately, I take my own advice I’ve given on this blog a gagillion times in a gagillion different ways and I get real and send him a honest, respectful response:

I then hold my breath.

You never know how one will respond to what boils down to rejection. This moment right here is what separates the boys from the men, I find.

Which one is Jack?

Jack is all man:

And that folks, it how to date like an adult.

A million kudos to Gentleman Jack. If any of you quality ladies are looking for a super nice guy with good stories and a penchant for word play, look him up!

I’ll just be over here literally flirting with potential disaster, because I guess that’s really how I roll.

Science!

[datingforscience]

Something wicked this way comes

http://imgur.com/7nPPOvP

Found on reddit for your users’ pleasure.  I thought it was entirely suitable.

My favorite Robbin Williams quote: “We only ever get one small spark of madness.  You musn’t lose it.”

[datingforscience]

Use Your Words

Every now and again, someone comes to me with a math problem and I have to remind them that while I know enough math to get by...

 I’m a words girl.

Not a numbers girl. 

Being a words girl has some perks, especially in online dating where I would say 90% of the battle is being able to communicate clearly. (That last 10% is all photos, obvs.)

Lately I’ve been wondering how many quality guys I have completely overlooked because while they may be awesome, they just aren’t good at words. I’ll probably never know the real answer to this because if you write me an incoherent message, I just can’t bring myself to get excited about the possibility of meeting you in person. And if I can’t get excited about meeting you in person, it’s just not gonna happen. Sorry, not sorry.

I’ve gotten a few gems lately and wanted to share. In the spirit of my last post, here’s a really horrible line from a 19 year old:

At least he knows.

Some people start off alright, but quality quickly disintegrates as their messages hang out on the internet, waiting to be answered. So does word count:

Valentine’s day is a particularly tricky day for online dating, but this guy (and his GF?)give zero fucks: 

Sidenote: Guys who use pictures of celebrities as their one and only profile picture are creepy as hell. Guys who use pictures of The Game prob have very small dicks. This is a hypothesis I will never attempt to prove.

Some guys fuck everything up from the very beginning with questionable usernames:

Thanks for reading the blog, PuppyKiller! You have already provided some great fodder. Now please change your username. Jesus.

And then, there’s this:

Questionable. 

Intriguing..... but questionable.

ANYWAY.

I’d like to take this opportunity to share on of my fav Bay Area blogger’s very important article, Why You Should Fuck a Writer.

Take notes.

[datingforscience]

Finish Your Milk

This one goes out to all the young lovers.

There are a shockingly high number of you online dating...

Below are some sample messages from my teenage suitors, scored:

+1 appropriate use of punctuation

+1 indicates he read my profile

+1 controlled use of emoji

Way to go Berkeley! You’re in the lead and guys like this will make it easier and easier for you every day:

The phrase “younger meat” should never be used in a dating context - online, offline, virtual, in a bar, in a car, in a plane or on a train.

 - 1

Constipated or turned on? Choose your own adventure!

Use your words young grasshopper.

 -1

I just. I, uhhhhhhh...

No.

-1

Hot tip: If your first message does not garner a response and you’re wanting to try again, consider sending a different message.

If your second message does not work and you are going to send a third

(A) Don’t do that

 and (B) please for the love of gods make it a different fucking message.

- 4 (one point for each attempt)

Why are there so many teenagers online dating? Why are so many teenagers sending me, a 32 year old woman, messages? 

So many questions. 

You know what I also have so many questions about?

These dudes.

Happy Valentine’s Day!