My stupid little blog

18 and neurotic Lover of plants, literature and caffeine Trying to love myself despite myself

[rowanisawriter]

being insane isnt even that bad

[deadnautilus]

It's Nights like these that make me so lonely

I love people I love the smell of their perfume Or their skin or fabric conditioner or their ugly pet dog that they love more than anything I love seeing the sparkle in people's eyes. Deep brown eyes that betray past sorrows Green eyes framed by brown glasses, bouncing in their little picture frame box like the DVD logo Blue eyes flecked with greens, like a stormy ocean brow furrowed with determination and the misty grey-blue eyes, of a girl who doesn't quite know what she'd doing, but she devours every view as if that was her only purpose. she delights in the mundane like the extrordinary Rosy, cracked red lips, lovingly enveloping a smouldering cigarette They speak of heavy drinking. A boast? a regret? a cry for help? The pale cigarette leaves her cold lips, passed to another hand. If she never finishes it, if she never goes through with it, she's not really smoking is she? A small act of denial She tells me she's drunk, and it's not even sundown I tell her that binge drinking is sexy. That's what I said to her. In my head it was funny, but as the words leave my mouth my heart sinks into my chest What was I doing The cigarette stays in limbo, wedged between her forefinger and thumb Her ex is still at this party, smouldering in a wastepaper bin, a short stubb left to burn. That could be me one day, if I was more bold I thought I could handle the flame, but the heat rises around me as she asks me to repeat myself and I realise. I'm a fool in a second-hand tuxedo, and in this Midsummer night's dream i have made myself the Ass I excuse myself I never even got to try a cigarette I am no better than them, I just want to be cool too I just want them to love me To hell with my lungs, I can barely breathe knowing that I have chosen to ride tall waves and I will soon dash myself against the rocks rather than dare to love again But all too soon the party is over, the lights are out. the whisps of tobacco smoke cling to my suit, those lips left liptick prints on my eyelids, and her green eyes gave me nothing to decipher. Nobody told me you can feel heartache for someone you never even loved and who never loved you

[viktor-the-leshen]

[carlosmarcosapproved]

[vamplire]

a twink is essential to a captivating piece of literature

[aloyhh]

"omg you remembered!" of course i did. I have a file on you

[dysphoria-things]

staying up until 1am with your friends is like. wow we’re so fucking cool we’re so fucking badass we should go on a road trip or become famous or maybe hang out here forever because i dont wanna be anywhere that isnt with you guys im so full of love and joy and a live fast die young mentality. and staying up until 1am by yourself is like. for the third time this year i am genuinely contemplating suicide. good thing i dont have the executive function to clean up my room

[deadnautilus]

Happy pride to straight men who want to kiss their friend on the lips but not in a gay way

[deadnautilus]

Happy pride to straight boys who like thinking about sucking dick but they can't because they're straight and people would forever see them differently and judge him for it

[deadnautilus]

Finished my A levels, feeling awful

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be loved because all i do is fuck up. Maybe it started when I tried to take guitar lessons from year 4-5 (age 8 to 10) but I felt overwhelmed by having to practice nursery rhymes on sheet music at home because I found it so challenging. And so i quit lessons, I gave up. We ended up giving away the 3/4 size guitar my parents bought me, but for 5 years it sat in my room as a shameful reminder. Atleast that's how I see it now. I wanted to play guitar back then because I wanted people to like me and think I'm cool. That was 8 year old me's exact thought process. I guess I haven't changed much since. I did end up learning to ride a bike and swim, but those were necessary milestones and I still hated every second up until I had learnt it. I often wanted to quit that too (I think? it's been so long). At 15 I fell head over heels for this girl, and she loved music so much. She played drums in a band. I thought she was the coolest person in the world, I went to nearly every show. She's still awesome. Anyway that motivated me to try guitar again, and also art, but I never got far with either and when exams started I had to leave it behind. 16-17 was spent being lonely and spiteful, then 17-18 was spend forming some kind of identity or idea of who I am as a person. Also A-level exams but they're done now. So now I'm 18, I'm not sure if I'll get into my university of choice because my grades have always felt inconsistent, and I'm not really good at anything. Well, not entirely true. I speak fluent French! I still feel rejected in France, they can tell I have a funny English accent, oh well. Atleast I can read French novels. I'm also fairly good at reading comprehension. I regret not studying Literature further on, I would have struggled (because I'm the kind of person who wings every exam) but I would have enjoyed it. I like reading because atleast it's something I'm good at. Like, I can identify words well because of the Latin->French->english connection. I'm not good at analysis of complex themes though, since I didn't take literature. Anyway. yay. I can read (but not analyse) anything I want. I don't know why I'm so bitter. I miss my queer friends, from when i was 15. Maybe I'll find my people at University. Anyway I've started learning guitar again (at 18!) but every failure makes me want to sob. It makes me feel like such a loser. How am I supposed to learn any skill if my self-esteem is so low? (e.g. driving, which i still can't do, I'm always lagging behind my peers)

Anyway that's why practising guitar makes me cry and playing videogames makes me cry because I just feel like such a loser. And it's not masculine to cry either. Fuck me.

[aroacexuemeng]

not the twitter migrants putting "reblog heavy" in their bios on here... like yeah. that's what we do here

[doggirlhen]

reblog heavy

[deadnautilus]

I love life. Everything is so beautiful and everyone is so pretty. I'm in love with it all

[reagan-slayer69]

“but what if you abort the baby who’ll cure cancer?!” sir the baby who will cure cancer is an organic chemistry major who works at a Home Depot because you use AI to go through your resumes

[mel-155-a]

"I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein’s brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops." - Stephen Jay Gould, The Panda's Thumb: More Reflections in Natural History

[deadnautilus]

I hate being attracted to people :(

It makes me feel gross and weird. It also triggers weird nihilistic thoughts such as: Attracted to a girl that's unavailable -> brain tells me i am clearly inferior in every way to her Bf (if she has one) or that I'm a creep.

Attracted to a guy -> dammit, my ex was right about me, I'm a fruitcake in denial Attracted to a girl, that is available, and that likes me back? congrats buddy you did an objectification. And she's too good for you. And you would make her unhappy. Get back in the hole -> Girl I don't like is attracted to me somehow? -> Guess I'm ungrateful callous monster. Can't decide if I like a person? guess I'm leading them on and manipulating them.

On another note, being hesitant about dating someone because you think you can "do better" is such a horrible thing. I don't know if anyone else does this or just me. I know it's materialistic and the antithesis of everything that Love is supposed to be but I'm scared to commit to another relationship because I don't want to upset or dissapoint people because they'll hate me and tell all their friends that I'm a shitty partner and a useless slob.

Anyway how are you guys doing? Any plans this weekend?

Also I heard antidepressents can reduce libido maybe I should do that. Or meditate like a buhddist monk or something. Ideally I should get my shit together and not have these cognitive distortions. Maybe CBT is in my future.

[vampirekoolaid]

[vampirekoolaid]

[vampirekoolaid]

[vampirekoolaid]

[vampirekoolaid]

[deadnautilus]

The aliens told me that listening to "I'm not a tsundere" song is the real definition of masculinity, everything else is just accsessory

[stupidlittlespirit]

This is so silly but I'm watching a short video essay on sincerity in cinema and the creator is talking about how he watched Lord of the Rings for the first time at 17. He explains that he'd grown so used to the 'ironic' meta style commentary in the movies of the 2010's that as he was watching the opening narration of LotR, he spent the entire time waiting for the joke to come. For someone to take it all back with a zinger line. He listened to Blanchett describe and explain the backstory, and he waited for the other comedic shoe to drop.

And he kept doing it. Scene after scene.

He spent the film expecting someone to make a joke about how unserious things were or to break the fourth wall or do some other self referential type thing.

Now, maybe I'm just at that point in my cycle or maybe I'm too delicate in general, but I literally teared up hearing that. Straight up cried a bit. It is so fucking sad that sincerity and genuineness is being bred out of people.

People say all the time 'this generation can't take anything seriously!' and really, is it any wonder? Younger people have been trained out of it. You are no longer encouraged to be genuine or show emotion or be honest. You are actively punished for it. In fact, you are almost guaranteed to suffer for it.

That is so fucked up. I'm sorry to go on a bit of a random ramble rant but it's so fucking gut wrenching to see younger people lose that element of themselves. You can't express your passion without being told you're 'crashing out' or 'cringe'. You have to live in this neutral state of fear of perception, and god forbid anybody step outside of it!

You're told you should only consume and succumb and be ironic and emotionless and cool.

Listen, if you're following me and you're like.... 25 or under, let's say. Please. I beg of you. Do not fall for this rhetoric. Please, for the love of all things, feel. Feel and create and be honest with yourself. Indulge in things that make you happy. Be sincere. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Do not let this hyper-capitalistic, hyper-consumerist, self-centred, individualist culture take that from you.

Bleed yourself into the work you create. Live. Don't fucking let anyone tell you different.