Dear Mahal ko

The Art of Emotions

[dear-mahal-ko]

To the man that I once loved,

Thank you for breaking my heart when I least expected it. You made me realize how trusting I can be. To all the promises was said, really at the end nothing was said. To all the actions you showed , it was different from what was said and you really left with no words unsaid. Dissappeared through the night. Leaving me blankly figuring out , “Where did I go wrong?”.

To the next few days, I process what happened. Maybe the distance of living in different states apart of the reason you muted , but the week before we were fine taking about the gala I was attending for work. It made me question really what went wrong or did you just punked me with my love at the very end.

I guess I’m writing to you Mahal ko, cuz you probably heard conversations I didn’t hear of the man who broke my heart from 1,151.4 miles away and protected me even if it hurt for two days. I’m living with my new normal. A new routine. No more phone calls in the morning, no more good morning texts, no more I love yous, just pure silence on the way to work and going back home.

Thank you to the man who told me I was his future wife, but decided tpo cut ties with a woman who was probably too much for him because she cared more than he would have liked, someone who listened when he had family problems but the case is you werent sheltered but he was the one who was not ready to open up the way you wanted him to.

Thank you again to the man who broke my heart because if it wasn’t for you, I wouldnt have realized how naive, soft hearted and so trusting I can be. And now you made me the person I am at the moment . A woman who has so much live to give but everytime gets shund out into the darkness with no hints what is coming for her. In the coming months when I turn 30. I only have one request to ask: Please don’t reach back out.

You blocked me on socials, phone numbers and you literally gave me a reason to never to trust you again. With all the love i had for you became a distant memory because you became distant and disappeared. I want you to just see from afar that I am okay without you. The man who broke my heart, i hope we never cross paths again because then i’d be soft hearted and love you again thinking youd break me again over and over again.

To the man that I once loved: i deserve a love that never leaves as much as I love him. A whole one and not just an option.

[dear-mahal-ko]

Happy mother’s day to everyone including those who are fur mamas and many who are still trying to have their own little bundle of joy.

My baby would have at least 3 months old if you did shine into the world but God had its reasons and baby zee, you knew I couldn’t do it either with the type of father you would have had. Coming to find out it wouldn’t have been his first rodeo even if he had two other children- your siblings to be- and haven’t done a single thing to provide for them. It truly made me question, “ What kind of Father would he have been with you?”. After loosing you, everything changed. The silence killed us at times. We self blamed ourselves, and I didn’t want to overstep and blame him due to the stress at that time when I had you in my belly. With the constant fighting, the arguments the miscommunications became misunderstanding of our ultimate goals as parents and as individuals to be better humans to you.

I don’t know If I could ever know what life could have possibly have held for me if you were around but you would have been my light in my very darkest moment after separating from your father, as to speak. You and God knew I did everything and anything to make him happy but unfortunately financially he wasn’t contributing the way it’s supposed to be at least in the relationship i had with your father.

I’m glad I still had you even in the mere span of two months going 3 months but God knew what kind of man your father was before even confirming all the questions I had doubts of, finally came to light recently.

I wish and pray you will guide me baby zee that today I come with a heavy heart wishing i could have held you yet the sound of your heart beat gives me such joy first upon hearing it. I never confirmed if you were a boy or a girl but I knew that you had a very strong heart. And baby zee, I wish and pray we will meet one day over that rainbow and hopefully one day you could send me your sibling and hopefully they have a place on earth and you guiding us from the rainbows above.

I love you Zee always and forever,

Mama 🫶🏻

(Guide mama cuz she needs some strength and angel hugs)

[dear-mahal-ko]

I wish i knew

It hurts knowing I lost you in a short amount of time. I don’t know if ill ever be okay. But i know you are my guiding angel. I think about holding you in my arms. I had a name for you with Gods whisper telling me what to name you. I miss the small talks in the mornings. Mama ❤️

I don’t know how to to be okay right now. It pains me enough to block the pain God has reasons for to take you away from me. I feel like its karma. Looking at the days you would call me Mama and tell me you want something in your sweet voice.

You heartbeat will always live in my heart as I heard it for the last and first time. I will miss you Zion. Mama loves you Zee 🤍

Have arthur take care of you there cuz he knows i would love you as much as I do with the people that I love.

[dear-mahal-ko]

Next chapter of my life ✨

If anyone has followed me for a while, di ko ni akala, I’d see this day come forward. To see that before my 28th birthday I’d find out I am carrying a life inside of me. Purong excitement naman ako pero nervous but excited. I never thought na, id be so happy to be talking to this little strong baby who has a powerful heart of 135bpm 💕

I was worried because the last month, akala ko I lost it kasi I was bleeding-spotting pero bleeding off and on-though sabi nung doctor its normal. So na bigyan nya ako nang medication to help the baby stay with me. I kept talking to it saying to be strong for mama kasi i didn’t feel my stomach anymore although at that point i didn’t know how far I was with the pregnancy.

Not knowing when I got assaulted at Sunglass hut I was pregnant. I didn’t know na, it was God, my guardian angels and my baby telling me to leave that toxic job that became not safe anymore to work for.

Here I am rejoicing and thanking God for this blessing- knowing I don’t know how my parents will react to it.

I pray I find the right words and the direction to tell them. Though the angels has protect me from many tribulations and I am thankful for my guardian angel’s protection.

Little panda coming soon March 2023 🥹 and I can wait to see you and hug you and love you as much as I do after hearing your heartbeat. You are a warrior my panda 💜

[dear-mahal-ko]

Hi guys! Its been a HOT MINUTE! Anywho, the last three months I have been feeling a bit not myself-boarder lines of depressed and lost inspiration for anything.

With saying last month I started my new job, after being assaulted at my previous job, and the company I used to work for knew that robberies at the store has been the main issue for the last few years but have done nothing for the employees safety.

Now I have collected my thoughts and secured a job, much stable job that I know growth is possible when I want it to be. Sometimes you need it to happen.

Finally my project, Casper and Friends (part 1) ⬆️ tells a story of many genres of personalities joining together, as they find a few path with their trustee friends of Casper, the friendly ghost. Growing up, I have loved the characters of Casper the friendly ghost ( the cartoon show) and the live action one. It shows that even some spirits are the sweetest beyond measures and we shouldn’t be too quick to judge people. Be kind, grounded and it is okay for CHANGE.

I hope you love this piece as much as I do as part 2 and 3 of Casper and Friends should uploaded soon!

Thank you so much for the support and please do support me even with a follow, repost and like on my instagram page and facebook page ⬇️

Sam 샘 (@ninjasamisam) • Instagram photos and videos

424 Followers, 622 Following, 1,043 Posts - See Instagram photos and videos from Sam 샘 (@ninjasamisam)

Ninjasamisam

Ninjasamisam. A little art for you wherever you go ♥

[dear-mahal-ko]

I’m in my deepest feeling of depression right now

And thats an understatement. I have been depressed for around 3 months now. I haven’t had the motivation to do anything. Financially I’m struggling. My parents just asking me money questions, and asking how much I make. Asking me if I’m saving enough money.

In reality, I’m in debt of 5k. For helping people. Helping them with bills, with expenses and now I’m in my depression. I can’t feel okay knowing I don’t have anything saved up anymore. The constant dagger of people telling how i should live my life.

Im at that point: i dont want to be here. No one is gonna save me. Im slaving myself for work. My work wont give me . I am done. Im not enjoying life.

Parents telling who i should be. Telling me how to live my life. I am almost 30 years old. Im done to be honest.

[dear-mahal-ko]

Just wanted to share my laughter that i created for myself 😂

[dear-mahal-ko]

"She knew that this day, this feeling, couldn't last forever. Everything passed; that was partly why it was so beautiful. Things would get difficult again. But that was okay too.

The bravery was in moving forward, no matter what.

Our life is made up of time. Our days are measured in hours, our pay measured by those hours, our knowledge is measured by years. [...] And yet time eventually runs out and you wonder in your heart of hearts if those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years and decades were being spent the best way they possibly could.

Time always has a way of showing what is important to us. A smile, a hug, gentle words of I miss you, I love you.Do not let time pass by without expressing how you really feel. Moments do not stay here forever,

They fly away like the wind.

Forget the clock. It has no power over time.Time is a shifting reality. In different aspects of our lives, it is but slow and seemingly like a frozen lake and other times it is a rushing river in the springtime. Hold on to each type of moment, because at any moment, your time can end. It is not how long we spend with someone that matters. It's the effect of that encounter that makes the difference. "

~Sam

[fenkko]

scarachilde and davekat doodles

[dear-mahal-ko]

Some things remain to the a lesson for the future

As sometimes I feel life pauses in moments, when you want to treasure them, as you wish it could just last forever..in a way..those memories, will never be forgotten. Does anyone feel like that at moments ?

Well I can say one thing:

Its a reminder that time and yourself can tell how your life will go. The effort, the chakra, faith you have will help you direct your life. I am not saying that you have to be perfect at all. Not at all. Whatsoever. I sometimes think I am crazy. Talking to myself giving the pep-talk. But not a lot of people realize that we all have tendencies to do so.

We don’t realize we are getting older. When we were children, we ought to wish to be older, but now we find ourselves in the point of our lives wanting to just live in the moment. What I thought I’d be in my late twenties, is nothing compared to what I thought at fifteen years old. Thought I’d marry my highschool seeetheart, finished college, had a stable job and had children by 30. Im two years to being thirty and I am no where close to any of what I thought. Sometimes having so much expectations given upon you weighs you down that all you want to do is breathe. What you feel in the moment.

Let yourself feel.

Growing up with asian parents too much expectations were given. The typical filipino mindset: no boyfriend until 30, finish a medical degree. You could not go to college and not do a medical field. Get married with an asian and then have kids. There was no room for error and if not there was a whole speech about their sacrifices they have done for us to get here.

Don’t get me wrong:

I utterly respect my parents highly, that I understand their sacrifices. But neither of them ever will understand being an only child is was a curse for me. I never had anyone to talk to when i needed someone to talk to. When i wanted to voice out my opinions, my parents told me I needed help and needed to see a psychologist. When they told me that I felt like there was something wrong with me. And only Medical field was the only option because that was my safe zone and the PRACTICAL CHOICE, since my cousins and aunts had a high rating of great money and success in life. And passion for your love of art was not getting you anywhere.

Reality seats in:

I took the leap of faith and took my architectural designing major and my studio fine arts minor and I love every single moment of it. The process, the ideals behind it and the conjunction of art, math and science together all made sense to me. But when I got the rejection letter of not getting into the program ( 40 people were accepted into the program out of 400 that applied). My world stopped to be honest. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like my whole life I had to prove so much to get where I am and now I am still struggling with telling myself good job. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to have moments of weakness. But its hard for me to face it that I may never get to live my dream, all my life according to my parents, I am a bit of a failure.

“You need to be better at this”.

“You lack this trade”.

“You should have been done with school”.

“Are you going to finish school when you are 40?”.

“You had one job to do: finish school”.

Things like those sentences : go through my head when I am in a bubble of cycles.

The regression of self dissappointment to myself.

But i want to try something different for 2023 :

Be kinder to yourself.

I know we tend to be hostile to ourselves when things don’t go our way but I promise you, it wont be like this. You are growing at your job, though there are times you want to breakdown because of the hardships and expectations from a company that will drive you insane. But you know you are trying your best to be okay, to do your best, and keep existing despite everything that is happening .

Everyone just wants to be accepted, loved for who they are and be supported by the people that we love dearly. Keep fighting. Keep pushing. Keep moving. Keep hustling. And keep loving yourself.

~Sam

[dear-mahal-ko]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 100 likes! This is actually crazy. I never thought people would actually follow me or read my blog. Tumblr has once again become my therapy as always. Food for thought. I haven’t been honest on my blogs. Yes, THANK YOU for reading my SAM-talk ( that is my nickname Sam). I always think I’m alone in this world to be dealing with some things. I always think I have no voice to be heard, but infact I do.

This platform has helped me achieve the voice I never had, growing up. I’m filipino and in my childhood household: you do not have your voice heard. You listen and you are wrong because you are a child, and we are the parents. Later in life I realized that it shouldnt be like that in a household. Voices should be heard but also to the point where you should be able to explain and let your thoughts be noted.

Tumblr has been that voice for me. For no one to judge me. It has essentially become my peace of mind. It has become my solitude. It has become my consciousness. It’s my food for thought to think about the ongoing situations, or what I have learned on that week.

So thank you, again. For giving the time of day on reading my blog. To reposting it. To giving hope. And to being a part of my life to appreciating that I am still here to keep writing. That I am still in existence. So I thank you.

Love you all

~Sam

[dear-mahal-ko]

Sometimes it takes FAITH

When things get tough, sometimes we do shut down. Shutting down on ourselves, the people we love and to others who have no clue whats going on. I tend to do that, and I will admit to that -Iam hella guilty of it.

But why does it seem so hard to do so? I have tried so hard to have everything according to plan but i guess nothing will go my way or ought to be better in this life time. Can anyone understand this? The feeling of being lost. Going by the moment. Going by the feeling of thinking the feeling must go or you should go far away?

Im at that point to say that it might happen soon. That id run away to a far away place. With a plot twist. Maybe someone who needs a layout to talk about her feelings, emotions and everything all in one.

Advice please is all I ask. Because I have no where to go.

[dear-mahal-ko]

Ang katawa to, been a while since nang sulat ako sayo.

Hi mahal.

Its been two years since your passing. And its been a journey since you have left this earth and became our guardian angel.

Alam mo na what is going on sa buhay ko, pero i feel like I havent been honest with myself lately. Ikaw nang sabi sakin na I need to take care of myself. What ive been doing is the total opposite. Nga bulagan ako sa sinulangin ko sa sarili ko.

I have been feeling down lately, not catching up with my self-but with kinda feeling a slave to survive to be honest with you. I feel like I cant take a moment to breathe and continue what I want to do, but I have been on a road where I think I more lost than I think I am. There are days that I feek constantly down, i cry to myself. There are times i cry and talk to myself and keep telling myself constantly that I an sorry, because you aren’t happy at the moment.

Not happy in the sense with life but with myself. Being harmful to my mind is driving me crazy and I cant stop myself from being like that. I really dont know if anyone can relate but this is the most ive said about me being down or even starting to feel depressed. I kinda just let it be; with a smile Putting on a mask. Putting on a face.

A face where I can camouflage myself like chameleon.

A face of roses with lightnings and tornadoes all in one.

God help me find the strength to keep going because I really feel this is the end.

Mahal, give me the eternal hug and protection you always give me.

Always~

[ynaisboring]

Keep your distance from people who constantly give off that type of energy like you owe it to them to prove yourself and they are above you. They are power tripping. You should not have to answer to them right away. In fact, you don't owe them anything.

[dear-mahal-ko]

GUYS IM SO HAPPY

FYI: this may be like novel read at this point but I promise you may point ako dito sa post into.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on tumblr. I have been working like a slave like the rest of us since it’s 2022 ( who gets me dito hahaha) LAHAT ANG MAHAL NA! But look guys !

All jokes aside , ka loka 😂 I haven’t been on social media due to busy schedules but working and being in school plus trying to find inspiration for your small business hoping it will click, didn’t click can take a toll on your mental health din.

So for our final project for my art class we were asked to draw something that meant our migration to the states and how the process of that was. On contrary the timing of this song from Lyn Lapid ( it’s so good ) ANG GALING NYA . LSS na ako, but I don’t care- I freaking love it. But it was the perfect song to remember how it felt na how it was moving here from the states from Hong Kong.

I posted about this piece on TikTok and people started to love it again. I don’t think anyone will ever understand how liberating that made me feel so so much. Supporting online artists who are trying to make it big also, even just like a repost, comment or liking it helps us tremendously 😭

THANK YOU FOR THE UNENDING SUPPORT since I started this page on tumblr. Thank you for the kind words throughout the two years since I started this page.

If you’d like to support my TikTok or instagram page :

@ninjasamisam

Below are my pages:

http://www.instagram.com/ninjasamisam

[dear-mahal-ko]

I finally did it. Going back to my roots. Finally found myself back to the beginning. The name. The feelings. The identity. The reason. I always had a thing of working on days off and on the days I don’t feel like creating something. Anyone relate to this? Cuz I always feel like I have to be doing something asides, from school and work.

It’s still a work in progress, seeing how all this works-doing research-endless research for it. It won’t be an overnight thing, but a learning process, a progress of such and we learn everyday anyways right?

Sometimes you have a creative block and it feels like you’ve lost the encouragement to continue to succeed and grow as an artist.

You have to remember nothing is impossible. Never impossible. Create a way, movement and create your safe space.

The key to success is to focus on goals,not obstacles.

[connectionn-deactivated20230403]

i hope all the love you gave away, will come back to you.