Pigfarts is on Mars

[beeshibe]

my mom just came to me and ranted about how everyone is making this facebook status that says, “raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree”. she was so baffled by this because she said, “you were pretty easy to raise as teenagers. all you did was sleep and eat.” 

so to prove some point she’s going to nail a small cup of jello to a tree. 

[beeshibe]

she’s so pleased with her self

incredible

parents are weird 

[voidbat]

yeah but this is about as accurate as it gets.

you say “nail jello to a tree” and most people think jello all by itself.

but if you put any actual thought into what you’re doing and then give it just a little support

well gosh. look what happens.

please tell your mom good job.

[margaretssmallworld]

also love how the original metaphor of “nailing jello to a tree” is about trying to force your bizarre and arbitrary will on something that is categorically disinclined to do such a thing, for no conceivable reason.

[and-fishing-equipment]

sorry but someone assuming you have "left a fandom" when you don't post about it a lot anymore feels like bilbo coming home to the sackville bagginses having him presumed dead and selling all his stuff. girl i was just on a little quest????

[meraofxebel]

[tiktoks-repost]

[the-love-i-crave]

[Transcript: Look, Penelope. Look. There is nobody out here. Nobody. Do you see that? Do you see that? Look- Look over here. There’s nobody. Look over here. There’s nobody! There is nobody out here. End transcript.]

[toastyglow-rb]

me reading the end of the odyssey

[teaboot]

(Penelope is a small black chihuahua, roughly the size of three bagels, and is being held out at arm's length.)

[kosmogrl]

[fucking-relax]

this is helpful to getting started on anything regardless of what you call it (from this post)

problem solving steps

IMPROVE distress tolerance skill

[kaijuerotica]

i need more fics to play with shane boasting about his ability in private vs acting super hockey player humble when he's on camera

[kaijuerotica]

shane texting ilya after a metros game like: im so fucking tired of carrying this entire team on my back like fuck sure we won tonight but i'd have had a goddamn hat trick if stevens hadn't been off fucking sides like at what point is it easier for me to be the only guy on the fucking ice at least then no one is gonna miss my fucking passes

shane 2 minutes later to the media: oh for sure it's a team effort, we all do our best to contribute 🙂

[scribefindegil]

everyone who is not currently in the process of moving please pause and take a moment to be grateful that you're not currently in the process of moving

[only-cat-memes]

[ovid]

it’s psychological horror to YOU. to me it’s a romcom

[allbuthuman]

it's a romcom to YOU. to me it's psychological horror

[thoughtsthinksandthings]

Headcanon that baby Shane has a slight accent when speaking English, and it's for a super unexpected reason.

A few weeks post-partum, Yuna decided that their son should be bilingual. Yuna speaks to Shane in Japanese, and David speaks to him in French. Baby Shane catches on extremely quickly.

It isn’t until baby Shane is enrolled in daycare that the staff notices he has a hard time following directions and making friends.

Yuna and David find it hard to believe. At home, baby Shane is speaking two languages and actively translating between French and Japanese. It’s not until a few weeks later that Yuna comes to the realization.

“David,” she calls from the kitchen after hearing David read Shane a book in French. “Did we ever formally teach this kid English?”

And David is sitting there stunned, because no, no, they did not. Sure, David and Yuna spoke to each other in English, and to their friends and family in English when they visited the house, but they never spoke to Shane in English.

They enroll Shane in an English as a Second Language class (which really should be called English as a third language, in this case). Shane eventually catches up and becomes somewhat fluent in English, but he has this slight hybrid Euro-Asian accent when he speaks it.

[thatdamnokie]

[ilya-sweetheart]

scott introduces kip to shane at an nhl event and kip dies a little as a gay non-hockey fan

“wait; shane hollander is the guy from the fucking calvin klein ads?! i used to have his half naked body as my phone background for years…jeesus, kyle is gonna die when he hears about this”

“he’s just man kip, no need to freak out”

“oh i don’t believe that for a second — look me in the eyes and tell me you didn’t jerk off to those ads, scott hunter”

“…of course i did, but i totally got over that tiny crush years ago”

“i don’t understand how anyone could get over a crush on a man like shane fucking holl — Hollander hello, nice to meet you :D”

“uh, hello! i’m shane…hollander:)”

[bluegrasshole]

haha so cute the centaurs have a video of ilya and shane — let me stop you there. shane would never. he would never! he has an airtight agreement with the marketing and comms team that anything posted of him is strictly professional. he knows every comment on social media will be about him and ilya already, and he will NOT be encouraging it. he is a hockey player. my shane would rather die than discuss his married life on instagram on the official centaurs account. or any platform. are the other centaurs doing this?? the other hockey teams??? no. he is an athlete not a reality star.

[starkizz]

sometimes you enjoy a piece of media that is kinda trash and you have to live with it

[the-supernatural-atheist]

if theres one thing that really pissed me off from my 3 years of architecture i took in high school it's learning about how we used to have all these little techniques to maximize or minimize heat or warmth and now we just merrily abandoned all those to have the same copypaste style buildings everywhere that are often INCREDIBLY unoptimized to the local weather and climate so we can just throw more money at our heating and cooling bills

[the-supernatural-atheist]

where i live it is hot as balls approximately 80% of the year. i do not want a massive butt-ugly grey mcmansion with a huge echoey open-concept kitchen-livingroom-foyer-diningroom-staircase that has huge windows so i can have an hvac unit the size of a barge heaving and straining to keep it at a constant 72 the grees. i want a north indian traditional style home with small windows to force the airflow to cool, decorative grates to limit the amount of sunlight, and a COURTYARD with a POND *smashes unspecified large object*

[makaeru]

I hate learning about instances of "oh yeah we know how to do that, we just don't".

[azaablue]

the best fanfiction you've ever read was written by a woman in her 40s before she made dinner for her kids. it was written by a teenager after school when they should've been studying for a history test. and a barista came up with the idea while they cleaned the espresso machine and busser fact-checked it on their break and the post-doc edited between writing grant proposals and the nurse apologized for typos in the notes after a long shift and behind every drabble and one-shot and multi-chapter fic there is a person with a wonderful and interesting and chaotic life and it is such a privilege that we get to be apart of it because they decided to do this thing we all share, for fun.

[prokopetz]

Wrong: Ada Lovelace invented computer science and immediately tried to use it to cheat at gambling because she was Lord Byron's daughter.

Right: Ada Lovelace invented computer science and immediately tried to use it to cheat at gambling because that was the closest you could get in 1850 to being a Super Mario 64 speedrunner.

[bear-disguised-as-a-human]

This is how I found out that Ada Lovelace was Lord Byrons daughter

[prokopetz]

Well, yeah. That's why she received the unusual education which laid the foundation for her later discoveries in the first place. Her mother, Lady Byron, firmly believed three things:

It was her responsibility as a mother to ensure that Ada didn't turn out like her father;

Fundamentally, the thing that was wrong with Lord Byron is that he was a poet; and

The opposite of poetry is math.

Ada Lovelace's biography handily illustrates how well this theory worked out in practice.

[arqueete]

Hark, a vagrant: 298