hello i am karo bluegrasshole and these are some of the pieces i’ve written that you can read. you can find my ao3 with everything else here!
Heated Rivalry
Your Dog - rated E, 9k words - Did you hear about Laurette’s boy? Cliff, the oldest one. He got drafted to the Boston Raiders. Heard he’s doing well for himself.
Expert in a Dying Field - rated G, 10k words - Today is Tuesday, but it might as well be Wednesday or Thursday for all it matters. It’s a real Groundhog Day situation, Shane thinks, only Ilya isn’t aware and Shane doesn’t care about breaking the time loop, too content with their life to make any changes.
Vessel * - rated T, 21k words - Eleven years ago, a total psychopath walked into a bar, onto a wharf, and all over Captain Shane Hollander’s life. And then he did it again, and again. * podfic available * aussi disponible en français
Rookie of the Year - rated T, 22k words - August 2007: Shane Hollander is 16 years old, a star rookie for the Halifax Bucks, and totally, completely, fine.
Let The Orchestra Play * - rated G, 5.6k words - In which there is a storm rolling in, gaudy souvenir magnets, and life after injury. Hopefully. * podfic available
Check Please!
Strange Lovers - rated M, 18k words - August to October, 1958: Will Poindexter learned about fear. Derek Nurse was wildly fucking terrifying.
I Saw A Life - rated T, 18k words - Jack goes down on the ice, and wakes up in 1951, married to Camilla Collins. Sort of. It's complicated.
Avoir su - rated M, 5k words - Dex and Nursey meet years after Samwell — and after they’ve broken up.
row upon row - rated M, 15k words - Derek goes to Maine with Dex for his grandmother's funeral. He didn't have any expectations, which is good, because they would have all been surpassed.
Miscellaneous
These Bandages - rated M, 10.6k words, HP (sue me it was 10 years ago) - Lavender wants to be a Seer. Parvati just wants to be.
Only This, Nothing More - rated G, 8.5k, Critical Role - On love, grief, and letting go. "In the days following Percy’s death, I do many things I’ve always wanted to do."
first post for context / see the tag 'open relationship au' for more snippets or the masterlist so kindly put together by @tafkarfanfic. it's time <3 (or is it...?)
July 2015
Shane texts Brian that he had an unexpected brand opportunity come up and that he'll be out of town for a few days. Then he books it to his cottage.
It's maybe cowardly but just this once, Shane thinks he's fine being a coward. The thought of seeing Brian right now makes him feel uneasy, like being on the ice without any padding. The version of himself who thought he could love Brian again seems like a stranger to him now. Shane doesn't want to become him again but he can't trust his own judgment, so. Safer to stay away.
Being alone in the cottage helps him gain some equilibrium, even though the closer it gets to Ilya's plane touching down in Montreal, the slower time seems to pass and the more Shane feels like clawing his skin off.
He still kind of can't believe Ilya offered to come. It makes him oddly giddy thinking about it, sets off a flutter in his stomach like he's some teenager with a crush.
Rose said you should stay single, he reminds himself. But then, She doesn't know Ilya, though. She wouldn't have said that if she knew him.
God, he really is turning into a teenager.
It should feel scarier, considering his track record. Shane has no rational explanation for why it doesn't. Why, despite everything, Ilya feels so safe to him.
The day Ilya arrives in Montreal, Shane drives back home feeling miraculously calm. It's like locking in for a game, he reasons. He knows the play, knows he has teammates backing him up, so now he just has to execute it.
Shane beats Ilya to the apartment by a couple of hours. He experiences a brief moment of panic when he hears a knock on the door, a vivid imagine of Brian standing on the other side popping up in his head.
It's Ilya, of course, which does nothing to slow Shane's heart rate but does make his stomach swoop funnily.
"Hey," he says, breathless.
"Hey," Ilya replies softly. He looks a little bit shell-shocked, eyes scanning Shane's face like he can't believe he's real.
Shane wants to kiss him so bad.
But first thing's first.
Ilya doesn't join him for the actual breakup. Even Shane, with his compromised judgment, recognizes how crazy that would be. He stays in the car outside, which shouldn't be a problem because Shane doesn't plan on letting this drag out.
"It'll be ten, maybe fifteen minutes," Shane tells him. His hands feel sweaty around the wheel of his car so he removes them, rubbing them on his pants. "If I'm not back in twenty, you can come in."
Ilya's eyebrows quirk. "That's quick."
"I can't do a whole confrontation," Shane says. "I just need to tell him it's over. I don't - I don't owe him anything more than that."
It feels kind of true. Shane counts that as progress.
"You don't," Ilya agrees.
He takes Shane's hand, squeezing it. Shane squeezes back, the touch grounding him.
His palm still feel warm as he's knocking on Brian's door.
It takes Brian twenty-seven seconds to answer. There's a surreal moment as he opens the door that Shane braces himself, expecting some flood of emotions, only for nothing to happen.
Shane is looking at his boyfriend of eight years and he feels nothing.
Then his eyes catch on the yellowing bruise on Brian's cheek and something does stir - a hollow kind of pain at the center of his chest.
He lied about that bruise so easily, his story seemingly designed to knock Shane off-kilter.
What else has he been lying about?
"You're back," Brian says once the door is closed. He smiles. "You know, you could have let yourself in. That's why I gave you a key."
"Right." Shane reaches into his pocket, fist closing around said key. "I actually - I came to give it back."
Brian blinks. "Give it back?"
"And to break up with you," Shane adds.
It slips out and Shane immediately regrets how flippant he sounds. Brian laughs, because of course he thinks it's a joke.
"You're fucking with me, right?"
"I'm not."
Shane tries to hand him the key. Brian's arms stay stubbornly at his side, smile sliding off his face. Finally, Shane puts the key down on the counter instead.
"You're fucking with me," Brian repeats shakily. "I don't - is this because of Vegas? I thought we were moving past it. Things have been good between us since we talked it out."
It's an unpleasant reminder of how differently they've been viewing this relationship. "Things haven't been good. I haven't been happy."
"Then you're not trying hard enough." Brian takes a step towards him, hand held out. Shane steps back. "Shane." His voice turns pleading. "Please, think it through. You can't give up on us just like that."
"This isn't a spur of the moment decision," Shane says. He really didn't mean to get into it but God. Has Brian always talked to him like this, like he's a stupid kid who doesn't understand his own heart? "I haven't been happy with you for a while."
"Is this because of Rozanov?"
Irritation shoots through Shane. "Fuck off."
"It is," Brian says, eyes heated. "We didn't start having problems until you started fucking him."
"And whose idea was that?" Shane snaps. He huffs, uncertain if he's more angry at Brian for making this so difficult or at himself for getting distracted. "It doesn't matter. I wasn't happy before we opened the relationship either. It's - you're not good for me. I don't think you ever were."
Brian laughs incredulously. "I get it. You need me to be the bad guy, huh?"
"That's not what I said."
"Might as well have. If I'm so awful, what does that make you? Why would you choose to be with someone who apparently makes you so miserable?"
"I was sixteen." Shane feels his shoulder hunching, feels the way he's making himself smaller, and forces himself to straighten. "I didn't know any better. You took advantage of that."
Brian goes still. "You're kidding me. That's your excuse?"
Shane's stomach twists. "It's not a fucking excuse."
"I didn't even know your age."
It didn't stop you once you found out, Shane almost responds. He can't. He feels exhausted all of a sudden, imagining going through every shitty thing Brian has done, having to argue every point and listen to Brian try to minimize it or pretend there wasn't any harm.
Shane doesn't want to do any of that. He just wants to get out of here.
He wants to see Ilya.
"I'm not gonna do this with you," he says. "It's over. We're broken up. Have a nice life, or whatever."
He turns to leave and Brian grabs his arm. Shane shakes him off unthinkingly and Brian flinches back at the force of it.
"Shane." Brian's demeanor has shifted completely, voice gone soft, eyes pleading. "Please. I can't lose you."
It's incredibly unkind, but Shane can't help but think he's being pathetic.
"I've hurt you," Brian continues, taking Shane's hesitation as some sign of his willingness to listen. "I understand. I never meant to, but I did and I'd do anything to make it up to you."
He's not even saying sorry. All of these theatrics and Brian can't even be bothered to apologize. Shane wonders if he even realizes it.
He shouldn't be entertaining this. He's not actually gonna forgive Brian. And still, "You could start by telling me the truth."
"The truth?" Brian echoes.
"How you really got that bruise," Shane suggests mildly. "Why you came to Vegas. Why you even suggested an open relationship in the first place, when you were fucking other people already."
He doesn't mean to let that last question slip but it's been eating at him since Rose suggested the possibility. He takes no pleasure in seeing Brian's face pale and knowing that she was right.
"Who have you been talking to?"
Shane wants to punch something. He wants to throw up. He didn't think it was possible for him to care so much when he doesn't even want Brian anymore, but it hurts all the same.
Rose was wrong. Shane is stupid. Naive and too trusting for his own good.
"It didn't mean anything," Brian is saying. His voice sounds far away. "It was a moment of weakness. You're the only one I love, the only one I've ever loved."
A sharp knock thankfully interrupts him. Before either of them can react the (apparently unlocked) door swings open.
"It's been twenty minutes," Ilya says. He shoots Brian a dismissive glance before focusing his attention on Shane. "Are you finished?"
Shane has never been happier to see him. "Yeah. Yeah, let's go."
"You can't be serious," Brian says weakly.
Shane ignores him. He reaches the door, allows Ilya to place his hand on the small of his back and guide him past the threshold.
Brian doesn't protests again. Maybe it's finally sinking in for him that it's useless. Maybe seeing Shane with Ilya made him stop wanting to try. Or maybe he fucking spontaneously combusted.
something i actually just realized on call w some friends recently is how crazey it is that your online friends are as many as thousands of feet above or below u right now. like if you teleported to their location without changing your height above sea level, well your fucked in some way basically
I love Vessel and I wanted to know: do you think that Shane and Ilya would have kids, if the can? I wonder because of Shane’s and the fic’s ruminations about change and climate change and how it affects their community. Do you think Shane would be the kind to say let’s not bring a child into this decaying world or would he be like, let’s idk bring someone to continue our history, try to change things for the better. Also does Ilya have the same preoccupations as Shane, and if not, is it a relief for Shane, to be with an almost outsider, who sees things differently?
This is a really good question. Honestly, I generally don’t really think about my fics beyond the last line. My opinion is I wrote what’s there and once it’s posted it’s up to the readers to decide what happens next. Historically I am terrible at sequels because of this, like I closed the door in my head (but I have been rolling around an Ilya prequel — who knows).
That being said, since you asked — I am generally a big Shane-and-Ilya-want-kids Truther, but I think in the world of Vessel, maybe not.
The first reason is that logistically speaking, having children would be really complicated for them. My husband is just a deckhand, doesn’t own his own license or boat, and for the months of April - June he’s like a ghost in our lives. April he spends the whole month prepping with his crew, and then May and June he leaves the house at 3am, comes home at 3pm if all goes well, and is asleep by 7:30. In the few hours he’s home and awake he is exhausted and in pain — it is HELL on your body. Sometimes he naps 4-5 and still goes to sleep at 8. The kids barely see him, I barely see him. I do all the housekeeping and child minding during those months, especially May and June. And obviously our sex life takes a hit (how much Shane and Ilya are fucking is maybe the most unrealistic thing about Vessel). When I was working full time this was even worse. Now I don’t think Shane and Ilya would be willing to give up either of their boats, so as Captains those days would be even longer, and there would be twice as much work to do. I knew a couple that fished together and their kids basically lived with their grandparents for two months. It’s miserable for all involved. Of course they would be FULLLLLL of money but in a small village there is not that much hired help to be had, and it would be extremely stigmatized to hire someone for anything.
Also, like you mentioned, I think Shane’s climate anxiety would really play a role. Plus, I mean, this isn’t mentioned really in Vessel but when you live in a small village, there is always fear that they will close the school, that healthcare is hard to access, etc etc.
Then there is Ilya — we as connoisseurs of the Source Material know he is riddled with depression. But in this AU, does he realize it? Probably not yet! Remember, he spent his winters in Russia taking care of his father (‘obviously i’m miserable and don’t want to get out of bed, my life fucking sucks’) and his springs and summers working like a madman and fucking around a beach town. Before that he was fuckboying his way around the world. The first winter he spends in Pardon’s Point would be the biggest culture shock of his life and he would probably fall deeeeeeeeeeeepppp into that black pit in his mind that he has only dipped his toes into so far. And Shane hates winters too. So like, it’s bad all around.
I can see them wanting children at first to fill that void in the dark winter months but Shane would maybe eventually push back on this. There’s this line from Vessel that is like ‘having children out of a sense of duty is horrible, not having them is maybe worse’. He probably talks to his mom about it. In this world she was a school principal (inspired by my mom lol) and has probably seen all kinds of mentally ill parents. She probably tells Shane that they shouldn’t have kids just to fill the time in the winter, and they would probably have a big fight about it, and then he would realize she’s right.
I wanted to make Yuna kind of insane about it in Vessel (she really is the one putting the pressure on Shane about kids in every conversation) so he probably clues in like if Mom thinks it’s a bad idea then it probably is for real.
Finally. I don’t think I did the best job of explaining just how traditionally masculine and heteronormative this environment is. Out of the hundreds of fishers I know, I’ve known of maybe 6 or 7 women. Two of them captains. Never known anybody openly gay who fished. It’s all machismo, drinking and drugs, lots of racist and homophobic jokes. Big trucks big boats big money big industry. The women stay home and care for the house and children for the reasons I discussed above. The men provide. This is one of the parallels between the NHL and the fishing industry that I saw in my head. Shane would probably have a hard time imagining what having children would look like for them. Bad enough to be gay publicly. The other fishermen would look at them differently for sure.
Anyway. I think you could make an argument either way. This is just how I would see it!!! Welcome any discussion / debate on this because there are other ways to go with it
Hello!! I would totally love a directors cut on expert in a dying field :))
Thank you! I apparently have a LOT to say about expert in a dying field so this is behind a cut:
This story came to me while I was finishing up Vessel and it slowly solidified over the course of like two weeks before I put it down to paper.
Of course there are some things that come out when I’m writing that always surprise me. So at first it was just going to be about how Ilya is starting to lose it and Shane is trying to hide it — I had the idea pretty early on that it would be like a Groundhog Day thing where every day is the same but they don’t care because Shane’s autism loves the routine and Ilya doesn’t notice that their days repeat.
But then that felt too unkind to Ilya for him to be the only one with something to hide. Even if he didn’t know he was hiding it. Like it felt too condescending, almost, and I really didn’t want it to be like Shane is taking care of Ilya who has become like a child in his own age. It didn’t feel fair or true to either of them. So that’s when I decided that Shane would also be disabled and Ilya would also be taking care of him by doing things around the house that Shane can’t anymore, and him trying to hide that too.
Important note: Shane believes he was disabled by hockey/for hockey — but really, who knows what his body would have looked like without it! And he is deeply embarrassed by his failing body while being overly protective of Ilya’s failing mind. Ilya is not too far gone yet in this story but you know Shane thinks he can outrun death and dementia for them both by doing sudokus and eating the right food and doing the right exercises. Science says so! But of course he’s wrong.
Daniela came about because I am very interested in Shane and Ilya as parents, and them actively choosing to be parents, and then being totally blindsided by how hard parenting is and how it brings up things you didn’t even know were issues inside you. Like you can do all the therapy you want but parenting really puts you through the fucking ringer. And Daniela being a Japanese adoptee who came to Canada at ~6 months old and immediately needed surgery, I just feel like Shane and Ilya would have been like oh yeah we can do this! We’re the best in the world! And then realized they had all this unresolved anger and grief that comes out in various ways throughout her childhood… I don’t believe they’d be perfect enlightened parents like a lot of fics tend to make them out to be. I think Ilya DOES have a temper and a Slavic upbringing that would come out in different ways, and Shane DOES try to control the variables of his life and has issues with food and ambition that would affect his child. I am a stepmom and with two high-needs kids so this is specifically why I really wanted to explore that.
Of course they are so so so so rich and that adds another dimension to parenting. Like they probably never told Daniela no for anything that matters. She never had to like, take a babysitting job or work at an ice cream parlour in the summer. They had cleaners and cooks and nannies and landscapers and everything else. So she is spoiled and used to getting her way and very forceful in what she wants. Like Shane thinks she climbed the ladder of sports media the way everybody else did through hard work and charisma but come on. Who is saying no to Daniela Hollander-Rozanova when she asks for something? Absolutely nobody. Not even her parents.
Also, I hope it was clear that while Shane thinks Daniela is just like Ilya and she has almost no personality traits of Shane’s (and he probably has a complex about it), Ilya thinks that Daniela is 100% Hollander. The traits they love the most about each other is what they see in their daughter.
Here’s a few things that didn’t make it into the final cut:
- Shane was actually really pissed when Daniela decided not to go pro after university. I think it hurt him a lot that she didn’t want to follow in their footsteps and he and Ilya probably had a big fight about it. He says in the story ‘it only hurts a little bit’ but that’s just another thing he’s hiding from her and himself. Yuna was also probably pissed but by then she was pretty old and didn’t have much say in the matter.
- Arthur Pike calls Shane every Sunday to chat.
- The cat doesn’t have a name because Ilya could never remember it and this was the first sign Shane saw that something was wrong.
- I did not write down a timeline and probably fucked up the years and such.
- Rachel Reid said at one point that Hollanov’s ‘forever argument’ is who gets to drive the car and I just love that and it felt so right for them to include it — with a twist that Ilya cannot drive anymore. But the argument persists.
- The very first piece of dialogue I wrote down for this was the scene where Daniela asks if Shane’s ever done anything just because he wanted to do it, not because it was good for him. And Shane thinks ?? I married Ilya and adopted a child from Japan and received death threats for both of those things. Is that not enough for you people. BUT I think Daniela knows this and believes that her father has spent his whole life punishing himself for this want by being so strict with his food/schedules/routine etc. Shane does not see it this way — he believes he is doing this so he can have Daniela and Ilya for as long as possible. They are probably both a little right.
and yes, as @megankane pointed out, the title does come from a song by The Beths that goes: how does it feel / to be an expert in a dying field / how do you know / when it’s over and you can’t let go
Today is Tuesday, but it might as well be Wednesday or Thursday for all it matters. It’s a real Groundhog Day situation, Shane thinks, only Ilya isn’t aware and Shane doesn’t care about breaking the time loop, too content with their life to make any changes.
This is not a time loop story. It is set forty ish years into the future where Shane and Ilya are in their seventies and struggling with their bodies breaking down, in their own way. They have a grown daughter and they are still down bad for each other, as always.
