Demis United

Hi, I'm a eighteen year old demisexual called Amanda. Whether you're a supporter, a demisexual, a demiromantic or just curious, we stand united. Feel free to ask anything.

[demisunited]

So I recently accepted that I'm pan. I'm completely indifferent to gender but I don't think I'm as sexually attracted to girls as I have been to boys. Sex has never been a thing I look forward to but I don't dislike it either. I've lost a lot of potential relationships because I wasn't comfortable doing sexual things, which I don't care about because if they can't wait they're not right for me anyway. I think I might be demisexual, any advice?

Hi,

Well the thing about sexuality and libido is that everyone falls upon the spectrum. So, to make it easier, there are also categories to filter through ones with their own definition and recognizable term.

Imagine you fall within this spectrum. You are pan and aren’t influenced by gender - that’s great. So now you’ve gone to one part of the spectrum between having gender preference and gender indifference. Now you just flow into the libido spectrum.

Every one has different sex drives and levels of libido. And then there is also sexual indifference. For instance in this spectrum at one end you may have a very high, active libido, however, on the other you have complete sexual indifference. With sexual indifference you don’t care at all or are maybe sex-repulsed. You probably fall just before being completely indifference and have a low libido.

In the end it’s you’re choice and you’re right, if they aren’t willing to let you go your own speed and path then they’re just not for you.

I would say you’re probably not demisexual as you haven’t stated you’ve only felt attraction to close relationships/ bonds. But you may wish to see yourself as Pansexual, just with a low libido/small sex indifference - and that is just a-okay.

Hope this helped, apologies I didn’t reply sooner :)

[demisunited]

Hey I have a question am just a girl question her sexuality and I wanted to know if you can be gay and demisexual, like I know I'm gay but I don't feel physical attraction when I think a girl is hot, I have only felt that towards a girl who used to be my best friend. PS: sorry for the long message :)

Yes of course you can. It’s usually referenced as homoromantic demisexual - where you are demisexual but only find attraction to the same sex as you.

Alternatively you could find the term homoeroticism helpful - being homoerotic with someone shows desire towards someone of the same gender, and can sometimes be found in friendships whom you are especially close with. Though this is not to be confused as demisexual - this is more the same sex desire to be with someone of that sex ( which isn’t always consummated) I.e. you migth feel desire for that person or the same sex but not have done anything to prove your feelings.

So yes, you can be demisexual but only be attracted to people of the same sex. Hope this helped, apologies for being so late :)

[demisunited]

Okay so, I'm in a venturing crew that really religious, but I'm Demi-pan-romantic and it was really hard to accept, but I'm starting to. How ever, if I come out my parents might send me away, and I know I'll get kicked out of my venturing crew. Since its religious, they don't accept other sexualities, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hi,

Just to get something clear I’m from England so wasn’t sure what a Venturing Crew was. But rest assured after a quick google I now believe this is basically part of the Boy Scouts of America? Please correct me if I’m wrong.

I understand it can be very confusing and frustrating living with a very religious community especially when you know that your orientation can effect them massively. I’m glad that you’ve accepted your identity and I understand it can be hard to then have others dismiss it or reject you.

My only advise would be to contemplate whether it would be better or worse for you to come out. Obviously it is a great step forward to come out to people but can make things worse family wise etc. I myself haven’t come out to family due to conflicting religious views so I know it’s not for everyone. Maybe just find some very trustworthy friends to confide in and leave your family out until you’re more comfortable with what might happen or their reaction.

Just please don’t rush into any decisions and think this through. I realise I may be too late but if you every need advice again I’d be happy to help.

Thanks for asking Anon, I hoped this helped.

[demisunited]

hi! i'm demisexual and only feel attraction to males (i'm a girl) is it ok to say i'm straight-demisexual or can i just identify as demi?

Definitely okay. Though sometimes people refer to this as demisexual heteromantic but I suppose it doesn’t really matter. If you’re a demisexual who only likes people of the opposite gender than that’s a-okay.

Hope this helped, sorry for being extremely late. Thanks for asking.

[demisunited]

Hi. I'm demi but I love having sex with my bf. The longer I date him the more I love and want sex with him but I only really feel the desire when receiving, especially oral and the thought of giving turns me off How to I overcome that to enjoy giving

It’s natural to prefer something or to completely distaste something like that in intimate circumstances, specifically since you already have a low attraction. In terms of people you don’t know etc. And it is perfectly natural for a demi to have their libido completely change when they reach that emotional stage with their partner.

As for myself I share almost the same view as you. Receiving is great especially since my bf and I started getting intimate. But I never really enjoyed giving, whether it’s being slightly selfish or what but I never really enjoyed it. But I’ve learned to like it occasionally, and I mean very occasionally. And the way I’ve learned to do that is by thinking more about how they’re feeling and how they make me feel doing the same thing. Thinking about how much I feel connected to them and how I’m bringing them pleasure helps me enjoy it more.

So the answer really lies in you. You might not every like giving and your bf will probably just ether have to get used to normal sex or hand jobs or something else. There’s always an alternative and there’s no use making yourself uncomfortable otherwise it just isn’t worth it. Try possibly looking up methods or experimenting to find if you like it in certain ways etc.

So anyway I hope this helped even if it is very late and may also help others. Thanks for asking Anon.

[demisunited]

I think I might be demisexual. My friends always talk about how they think celebrities are super hot or point out which strangers on the street they think are attractive. I've never had an instant attraction to someone. Also is it possible to be "straight" and Demi? I am a girl but have only felt romantic attraction to those who identify as the opposite sex. I've been researching a lot but I want to know for sure. Lastly do you think this something I should tell my friends? Super helpful blog

Totally know where you’re coming from here, like I might comment on an athlete jokingly like “damn look at them muscles” but there’s no real attraction.

Yes you can be ‘straight’ and demi. It’s more about the gender prefernce you have with your orientation. This would sometimes be referred to as Hetero Demisexual or Demisexual heteromantic.

Absolutely your orientation is something to tell your friends, but only if it’s definitely what you want to do and are comfortable with opening up and discussing it with them.

I’m glad you find this blog helpful and I’d like to apologize for not being more active. Thanks for asking Anon and I hope this helped even if it is belated.

[demisunited]

I realized recently that I think I'm panromantic demisexual. The only thing is I have awful anxiety and I'm terrified that I'm wrong. For a few years now, figured I was either bisexual or pansexual because I didn't even know that panromantic existed until a few weeks ago. I really want to talk to someone about this, but my anxiety always gets in the way. I know a lot of people send asks about this kind if thing, but I've never dealt with something this big before and I'm not sure what to do.

I completely understand your feelings but I would urge that there is absolutely no need to be nervous or anxious about these things. Some people find their orientation quickly and identify quickly others take much longer. So try not to worry about it, just be comfortable with yourself.

I’m glad you discovered pan-romanticism and I would love to try and help you through this. Pan-romanticism is all to do with sensual attraction and non-specific gender preferences. Which means you have no preference for gender and can feel attracted to anyone of any gender, except you can not feel sexual attraction only sensual attraction and romantic attraction.

Basically, “Romantic attraction is an emotional response that most people often feel that results in a desire for a romantic relationship with the person that the attraction is felt towards”. This combined with sensual attraction (attracted to sensual acts such as hand holding, not necessarily sexual) makes for a romantic orientation. No sexual attraction is generally involved.

I hope this has cleared some things up. If not feel free to ask more questions, I may not answer for a long long time thanks to my forgetfulness but I will eventually. Try not to feel anxious and I hope you find calm in your identity.

Thanks for asking Anon.

[demisunited]

Do you know if anyone's ever read about what "demisexual" means and felt that it DIDN'T describe them? Serious question. I've just never seen anyone go, "Yeah, I learned about demisexuality and said, 'Nope, not me, definitely allosexual here.'" And it seems like a lot of us always thought everyone else was also just like us... Like, do allosexuals even exist?

Hi, thanks for your question.

Yes, many others who I’ve talked to such as friends in my personal life have understood what my sexuality is but have said ‘Nope I’m definitely Bisexual’ and others for ‘Nope I’m Gay’. A few others have preferred not to really look into it but have considered themselves to be asexual or somewhere in that side of the spectrum.

Technically the word ‘Allosexual’ means not asexual. So by definition anyone who isn’t asexual would be considered part of the allosexual groups. Even Demisexuals would probably fall into the allosexual category as we can in fact feel sexual attraction and desire unlike asexuality where there just is not attraction whatsoever.

So yes, I’ve heard others say this isn’t for them. It does appear that Allosexuals exist and are in fact out there. But I do agree that in general when I meet others I presume they feel the same way I do with regards to demisexuality and orientation unless they say otherwise. I think it’s just part of human nature.

Thanks for asking, I hope this answered your question.

[demisunited]

HI, im sorry to bother you, but Im really confused rn. Im not sure if Im Demi or not, I think I am, bc i find the thought of having sex with anyone i dont have a bond with extremely uncomfortable and icky, and I dont look at someone hot and think; Id bang that. I can however, appreciate someone being hot, and im not sure what that means. I have also had crushes. The attraction i feel then is almost like, i want to be around them and have physical contact, but not sex. Am I Demi?

Hi Anon!

Firstly I’d like to say I’m so sorry for not replying, I kind of fell off tumblr for a very long time. But I’m back to answer your question.

Now, onto your problem. From what you’ve said it would suggest that you find yourself being more prone to sensual attraction particularly in social and emotional bonds. This is very common in demisexuals and would possibly be an indicator that you are oriented in this way.

But its not just about not liking the idea of doing intimate things with someone you don’t have a close bond with - as many people would not be inclined to do this (e.g. spur of the moment type thing). This could be for many reasons such as anxiety, preferences and sexual orientation.

The key aspect of demisexuality is you can’t feel attracted sexually to anyone without a bond so you probably wouldn’t even consider it. So as a slightly more conclusive answer, yes, I would say that you are part of the Demi crowd.

I hope this helped anon! Thank you for asking.

[demisunited]

Hi. I was wondering if demis are really apart of the lqbta community? I'm a demisexual and a demiromantic (i think that's like when i have no romantic attraction to someone whatsoever unless they're my friend first and i formed a strong bond), but because I'm cis and only attracted to guys (im female), people are really abusive?? So much so that i had to take it off my about page. Idk what to do so I was wondering if we really do qualify since everyone since to hate us and aces so much?

Demis are in the LGBTA community, we usually file under the A for ace as we’re part of the gray-a umbrella orientations and lengthening the community name to satisfy everyone would exhaust the entire alphabet.

As for the people giving you hate for being a hetero cis demiromantic, screw them. Only you get to have a say on your feelings. There will always be people who don’t understand or are just looking for a reason to hate. You’ve just got ot be strong and rely on good friends or family who do accept you for who you are.

We do qualify, but there is much debate over it since aces and other non-binary sexualities do exist and are valid but many feel they shouldn’t be. The same goes with the controversy over getting the T taken out as transexuality isn’t about sexual attraction. The reason people don’t see gray-a’s, ace’s and demis as valid sexualities is because we don’t feel sexual attraction like the binary sexualities such as heterosexual and homosexual etc.

I hope this helped and good luck, Sorry for the incredibly belated reply.

[demisunited]

B, K, P, and Q!

B - What’s your star sign? : My star sign is Capricorn/Aquarius depending on the year. When I was born I was Aquarius but sometimes its Capricorn - it’s called being born on the cusp.

K - Favourite colour? : Turquoise.

P - Favourite nickname? : I really like when my friends call me Percy Jackson, because they think it’s funny since he’s a demigod and I’m a demi. They’re weird.

Q - Random phrase of endearment? : You’re wonderful you glubbensnugglenspiel you. (^sigh* I know)

Thanks for playing the game young anon!

[demisunited]

I know It's a silly question,but can you be demisexual and demiromantic?

Yes you can.If you search ‘demisexual and demiromantic’ as a tag on my blog you may also find other posts on it too.

I can’t seem to find a solid answer in my archive so I’ll just try and reanswer this topic. Yes you can be demisexual and demiromantic. Being demiromantic means you don’t feel a need to be romantically involved with someone without forming the emotional bond. Being demisexual means you don’t feel sexual attraction until you’ve formed that emotional bond. Being both means you feel neither. So until you feel that romantic inclination to be with someone romantically you also won’t feel sexually attracted to them until an emotional bond is formed which is efficient enough to cover both scenarios sort of speak. 

I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. It can be confusing to fit in both terms but you can be a demisexual/demiromantic at the same time.

Hope this helped and I’m sorry for not replying sooner.

[demisunited]

I think i might be Demisexual, i have been researching about it, and a lot of it hits the mark for me. The only problem is i can find people attractive but not sexually attractive? If that makes any sense. I want to love the person im with sexually, i dont know if thats makes me a prude. I just couldnt do a one night stand or casual sex with someone. For me i would want to have sex with someone i loved and had a bond with,does that make me demisexual,Or just someone that has sex for love?


I would say that’s more of a preference, a lot of heterosexual or other binary sexualities would possibly feel the same way. The difference between being a demisexual and having the preference to know someone before you act on sexual attraction/ desire is that demisexuals won’t feel any kind of sexual attraction to that person until the bond is formed. You probably wouldn’t even see them that way or consider such acts until you feel a strong emotional connection - whereas if you’re more about having sex for love you may find them sexually attractive but not act on those feelings because you don’t feel comfortable with it unless you were in love or in a committed relationship with that person.

I hope this wasn’t confusing and cleared up any misconceptions or doubts you were having. Really tragically sorry for not replying sooner.

[demisunited]

Hi so I kinda discovered myself as a demiromantic demisexual. I'm pretty sure that that's what I am because before I met my current boyfriend, I felt as if I were ace. We've been together for almost a year now, but half the time, I wasn't interested in him sexually. And it took me a while to actually fall in love with him and to think of him as more than a friend, even as we were dating. But the thing is that I feel uncomfortable with my orientation. (will be continued)

(Part 2) “I am scared to tell people that I'm not hetero, but demi and I feel like they'll just think that I'm trying to attract attention or that I'm a hetero trying to force myself into the lgbtq+ community. I always questioned myself as a demisexual/romantic before one of my close friends came out to me as ace. Ever since he did that, I've felt valid and that I'm not alone. But I'm still scared to tell people, even my boyfriend. (same anon, just one more! Stupid word limit...)”

I was in the exact same position as you when I first started dating my boyfriend. I was timid, unsure of my sexuality and how comfortable I was with him. But after taking a few months to get to know him I started to feel a real emotional bond with him and I love him to pieces. It was after discovering my developed feelings that I properly started feeling my attraction to him in that way. So I researched demisexuality and identified with it.

I was very unsure about coming out to him at first, he was the first person I told, and even though I knew he and my friends were very excepting of different sexualities I was still nervous because of the connotations between demisexuality and the difference between our libidos. My advice to you would be to trust in yourself and your boyfriend. If you love your boyfriend and he loves you then he should accept you no matter what and try to understand how you feel and identify yourself. The same should go for your friends, though some explaining of your feelings can help in their understanding.

I hope this has helped you and I wish you luck with everything. :D

[demisunited]

I've identified as demi for a bit now but I'm come to question it. I don't really feel sexual attraction at all but if I'm in a situation with like *ahem* less kid stuff (like making out and touching) then I'm like fine with it. Is this like a thing or?

Being demi is all about how you find the attraction. If you only feel attraction to people you’ve created strong emotional bonds with then you may be demi. You can still be demi and like sensual things like kissing or touching or you may not, that’s more of a personal preference. You can like sex or not like sex, being demisexual is all about how you find the attraction “trigger” anything else is you as a person individually.

I hope this helped and I’m mega sorry for not replying sooner.

[demisunited]

I'm pretty sure that I am demisexual and I've known for a long time just without knowing what the term for it was called. Now that I know this I want to talk to my friends and family about it but I am terrified even though I have no reason to be. How can I approach this subject? And what do I tell people when they expect me to be interested in people sexually when I'm really not? (I'm very new to all this)

I myself haven’t come out to my family but I have to my friends and I have other friends who have come out to their families. My advice would be to do it your ow way. Make sure you feel comfortable. You may not feel entirely comfortable in any circumstance as it is a nervous experience, however, some scenarios may make you feel calmer than others.

For example, talking to one parent or family member rather than all at once may be a better option as they could then discuss it with others, making it easier for you to open up slowly. As far as approaching the subject I would just start with whatever you feel comes to you first. It may be you talk about relationship interests first or ask them if they’ve ever thought about their identity.

Explaining to others is always difficult, especially if they’re not familiar with the complexity of sexuality and sometimes especially demisexuality as it is almost a grey area between sexuality and asexuality. My advice would be to simply explain how you feel and state that you cannot feel simple attraction like they might and that you must first form an emotional bond with someone in order to then see them that way. If you are still struggling I would recommend using demisexuality.org for reference.

I hope this helped and I wish you luck. Sorry it’s a very late reply, but I have eventually answered :)

[demisunited]

I've just sorta assumed I was cis for a long time, but now I'm beginning to question things. So what exactly does it feel like to be a demigirl? 'cause I couldn't find many writings on it but what I did find resonated with me pretty strongly. For example, most of the time I feel pretty gender neutral (gender...less? kinda?) but I sometimes sorta am like 'Girl? Maybe?' So thanks in advance! I'm really curious. - syl

Genders can be a very confusing topic, just like sexuality, as there are so many new terms and definitions. I myself and a demisexual not a demigirl so I have no personal stories about it but I have talked to and discussed demigenders before. 

Firstly, it’s perfectly okay if you want to be gender-less or gender-neutral. Many people are, it all really comes down to how you feel. There are many different definitions now which you may prefer. One is Neutrois - a gender neutral or gender less term used for people who don’t identify with any gender, whether it’s their birth gender or not.

Another is genderqueer, an umbrella term used to describe any gender identities which are outside the binary genders such as man and woman. Some people use it as a full identity to use as a cover for their non-binary identity or others use it as they aren’t yet certain of which identity they feel they fall under.

Demi-girl would fall into the non-binary category and means a person may feel inclined to the woman gender but may not always feel this way. It can change on a day to day basis and as can their pull to that gender. For example, you may feel very like you identify as a woman one day but the next may feel indifferent. It can also be a term used for someone who is assigned the female gender at birth but does not feel particularly connected or disconnected with that identification.

I implore you to look deeper into these terms and decide for yourself which identity best suits you. I hope this has helped you and I am realy incredibly sorry for taking so long to reply to you and everyone else who follows this blog.

I hope this helped; here are some extra links too :)

Non-binary Gender Fluid Gender Identity