Destination: Unreached.

[destinationunreached]

Destination: Still Unreached.

I started this blog as a way to mourn my marriage and deal with the huge transition I was making. Over time I’ve needed the outlet less and less so I’ve been writing fewer blog posts. But I’m still in that transition. I’m still figuring out where to go, what my next step is, and how to navigate life on my own.

I just really want to say that I’m so unbelievably proud of myself for making it through 2017 as gracefully as I did. I didn’t completely derail my life. I didn’t lose my mind (entirely). And most importantly - I didn’t give up. The stress and pressure has finally gotten to me though and I’ve decided to start taking antidepressants again. I’m not looking at this as a failure at all though. In fact, I see it as the exact opposite. This is success. Recognizing that I’m not okay is such a HUGE step for me.

In 2018, I’m going to do whatever I need to do to make myself better. I’m finally going to fully commit to taking care of my health - both physically and mentally. My first steps are getting back on meds and taking care of my teeth (I’ve already started on both of these). Eventually I will also start some kind of therapy or counseling because this last year has shown me that I have a lot of baggage that I need to unpack.

Since the divorce, I’ve started to learn how to rely more on myself and less on other people. I’m going to continue learning how to do this more and more but I’m also going to try to better recognize when I need to ask for help. I have a lot of really poor learned behavior so it’s hard for me to find the proper balance in this. I’ve been really stubborn about doing things on my own and not allowing anyone to save me. But sometimes I need to be saved. Finding this balance is going to be a challenge, but it’s something I need to figure out.

2018 is going to be the year that I finally recover from all the hellish bullshit I’ve been through. The year I finally let it all go. The year that I finally set my sights on a destination and take the steps to reach it.

[destinationunreached]

Cliff jumping vs. stargazing

It feels like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff. I look down and see waves violently crashing against these rocks peaking out of pitch black water. I look behind me and see the safety of land; a place where I can experience the beauty of life at a distance, gazing up at the stars or down at the waves.

The wind is wrapping around me, pushing me to decide where to go. I can barely breathe as it whips around my face, threatening to either hold me down or throw me over the edge.

I could jump and experience the thrill of a lifetime, diving past the rocks and exploring the depths of the deep dark ocean, or I could turn back and enjoy the sight from a safe distance, never risking my life.

I can’t stand in place forever.

So, do I fall into the crashing waves?

Or do I fall back to what’s safe?

[destinationunreached]

The Final Countdown

In less than 12 hours, I’ll be sitting in a court room waiting for a judge to call my name and grant me a divorce.

And I’m excited for it. I have zero sadness over any of it. It’s such a wild thing to think about. 7 months ago, I was devastated over the death of my marriage, convinced that I would never recover from it. But here I am, fully recovered. Ready to take on the world ON MY OWN.

I’ve changed so much since April. I’m honestly an entirely different person than I used to be. But I’m still me. A better me. Then, I was afraid of everything. I hid from the world. Now, I’m ready to take on the world. Then, I was searching for any last bit of hope that my marriage would survive. I couldn’t let go. Now, I’m wondering why I wasn’t the one to walk out first. Then, I was apologizing as a way to keep him with me or win him back. Now, I’m apologizing as a way to set us both free from this cursed relationship.

I still have a long road ahead of me. I still have a lot of fears to face and I’m not quite on my feet yet. But I’m getting there. I’m moving forward. I’m gonna make it.

[destinationunreached]

"Too little too late" doesn't exist in my world.

I'm not good at maintaining personal relationships. The people who have stuck by my side for so many years understand that and don't let it hurt our friendship. I constantly pop in and out of people's lives, but they are always on my mind. I'm always thinking of them and checking up on how they're doing through social media, but just don't always have the energy to reach out. They understand. I try to apologize for not being there, and they don't let me. They say there's nothing to be sorry for. Their love and understanding literally brings me to tears sometimes. (I may or may not be tearing up a bit right now..) I've met a lot of other people who don't even try to make sense of it. If I ask them where they've been I just get to typical "well you didn't reach out either" response, and then nothing. I don't hear from them again and I wonder if I'm bothering them. So I stop contacting them, they stop contacting me, and the relationship ends. It hurts. Especially when it's coming from someone who claims to know me so well. I'm reaching out right now, and you're just shrugging your shoulders at it. It's not good enough for you. I don't care if it's been a week or a year since I've heard from someone. I'll never put the blame on them. The phrase "too little too late" doesn't exist in my world. It's NEVER too little, and it's NEVER too late. Any kind of effort that someone puts in towards a relationship with me is a gift that I treasure. And what will probably be the end of me is that I expect the same from those around me.

[destinationunreached]

Getting away from the noise.

I can hear something, but I'm not sure what it is. I can tell that I'm on the right path, but there's something more that I need to learn before I continue. I'm having a lot of deep thoughts today, but they're all stuck. I'm feeling a lot of things but nothing is able to fully manifest. It's like I'm trying to have a conversation in the middle of a loud bar. I need to step away and get away from the noise and just listen. I think today, I'm going to just get in my car and drive somewhere. I'll bring a notebook and my camera and see what kind of creative energy comes to me and then let it happen, or not. And for the first time ever, I'm going to do this on my own.

[destinationunreached]

Finding my own light.

I'm honestly happier than I think I've ever been. I never thought I would be the one of those people who thrived after divorce, but here I am! I still have my moments of darkness, but it doesn't take over my day anymore. I don't spiral into the abyss like I used to. I don't let other people's shit bother me anymore. I don't lay in bed for days agonizing over my messed up life. I think I'm just so determined to succeed on my own and be independent and happy ON MY OWN that I just don't have time to think about so much negativity anymore. I'm too busy thinking about my next move and the 10 moves that follow. Another weird thing I've realized is, I still crave human contact, but I don't feel like I *need* it to get by. At this point, if someone came along who fit into my life for a while, I'd be okay with it, but I'm just as okay without it. This is something that I've told myself in the past to make myself feel more independent, but I was still looking. I'm honestly not anymore. I don't really care about companionship. That's why I have dogs. They'll love me more than anyone ever could, and that's honestly a lot more than I could ever ask for. 🐶❤️🐶 For the first time in my life, I'm genuinely enjoying my own company. I'm living in the light that I shine instead of chasing after someone else's. I'm free. ❤️

[destinationunreached]

It doesn't matter what drives you, as long as you're driven.

I've been on one hell of a rollercoaster lately, and I don't really see it ending anytime soon. So why not use what I have to get through it? Some people have told me not to be angry and spiteful. Not to be bitter. But what if spite is what I need to keep going? What if anger is what gets me out of bed? What if bitterness is what keeps me from giving up? I've never been one to do something because someone tells me I should. I've always been the one to succeed when I'm told that I'll fail. I rebel. That's who I am. So yeah, I'm going to be angry. I'm going to be bitter. And I'm going to use every ounce of spite I have in me to kick my own ass into being more than he ever thought possible. I don't give a single fuck what he thinks about me. I don't really care what he ever thought of me. That doesn't matter anymore. All that matters now is me.

[destinationunreached]

Validation

Tonight, I finally got validation on something that I was told by my husband that I was imagining. It was something that contributed to the end of my marriage. And while it kind of stung at first, it was also really liberating. It's like being in an argument with someone for a year and them finally telling you that they see your point and they were wrong the whole time. I felt crazy for months. I felt like I was losing control of myself. For months. I felt like I was imagining things. For months. And tonight I was finally told that it was all real. That I wasn't imagining anything. That I wasn't crazy. That I never lost my grip on reality. Knowing this allows me to let go of another piece of my marriage. He never had faith in me. He chose everyone else before he chose me. He let me believe that I was losing my mind. And instead of being upset about that, I'm letting myself see that maybe he's just not a good person at all. If winning an argument is more important than telling someone that their feelings are valid, then you're obviously not worth my time, and definitely not worth my love.

[destinationunreached]

Part 3 of 3

Part One: https://destinationunreached.tumblr.com/post/163871790353/part-1-of-3 Part Two: https://destinationunreached.tumblr.com/post/163887744501/part-2-of-3

So what was the connection to his ex and the purple haired juggalo girl? Why would the break up with his last girlfriend be of any significance?

Well, you see. He used to work with the purple haired juggalo girl. They met a little bit before he broke up with the girl he was dating at the time. The accusations I saw were about the timing of their relationship. He made it seem like she was assuming too much and jumping to conclusions too soon. But she wasn’t. She was 100% right about everything.

So, why did I let it go then, but bring it up now? At the time, he told me she was crazy. He still talks about how crazy she was. He also talks about how crazy I am. But I know the entire truth.

I know that he cheated with a girl from work before he met me. I know that he tried to cover it up by putting the focus on her “craziness.” I know that he repeated the whole thing with me, telling everyone that I’m crazy/abusive/overly dramatic. I know that he lied to his new girlfriend - who he met at work - about when we split up. I know that he lied to her about the circumstances. I know that he tries to cover up his own faults and mistakes by pointing out the “craziness” of the people who try to talk about it. I know he lied about when he stopped fucking me. I know that when he said me being pregnant would be the worst thing to ever happen to him, it was because he know that he’d have to admit he cheated on his girlfriend with his wife, the week he moved in with her.

So why did I let it all go for so long, only to bring it up now? It’s not to dwell. It’s not even to call him out or shine light on his sins.

I guess it’s because I’m hoping that someone will see this, and then see the red flags in their own relationship. And maybe they’ll save themselves instead of letting so much go like I did.

Because this gorgeous man was never perfect. He was full of sin, and deep dark disturbing secrets. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw him for what he truly is - just another lying asshole, trying to fuck his way through life.

[destinationunreached]

Part 2 of 3

Part One: https://destinationunreached.tumblr.com/post/163871790353/part-1-of-3

About a week before we got married, I went to his Facebook profile to send him a message (I was having phone troubles at the time and all our communication was through Facebook). I noticed that it said “recently became friends with…” and it was his ex’s name. I took a screenshot and sent it to him. His reply: “What? How did that get there? I didn’t add her?” Minutes later, it was gone.

That night was the first time I ever went through his phone.

I read their messages. The new and the old. I read the way they spoke to each other after their break up. I read the accusations, the cruelty, the desperate attempts at covering up the reason they broke up.

Knowing the truth, I still let it go. Why? Because I was getting ready to marry him, and I needed him to be perfect.

Part Three: https://destinationunreached.tumblr.com/post/163911262406/part-3-of-3

[destinationunreached]

Part 1 of 3

The first time someone mentioned the purple haired tattooed juggalo girl, I noticed he was kind of weird about making them shut up. I shrugged it off, figuring he probably just didn’t want to talk about other girls around me.

The second time, they mentioned her name. It was kind of in passing, but I’m pretty sure they wanted me to know about her for whatever reason. I pushed it to the back of my mind and let it go.

From time to time, instances would be joked about. I don’t think anyone realized I was connecting the dots. I’ve always been kind of a silent observer in that way. Absorbing all information, but never letting on that I knew. I did though. I knew he was involved with this girl right before I came around, and for some reason, he didn’t want me to know.

I always let it go. Why? Because I didn’t want to believe that this gorgeous man was anything less than perfect.

Part Two: https://destinationunreached.tumblr.com/post/163887744501/part-2-of-3

[destinationunreached]

History always repeats itself.

[destinationunreached]

A Message to All Men,

Call out your friends when you see them doing shitty things. Call them out when you see them cheating on their partners. Call out your friends when they lie.

You are not a good person for sitting back while your friends destroy their partner’s hearts. You are not a good person for helping her pick up the pieces after the damage is already done. You are not a good person for staying friends with the person who destroyed her while she cries on your shoulder.

All you’re doing by ignoring their shitty behavior is making sure your friend knows what he did was acceptable and guaranteeing that he’ll do it again.

Call out your shitty friends, or lose the ones who’s hearts they’ve broken.

[destinationunreached]

My White Knights.

I’ve always been with men that suffer from the white knight syndrome. They see me with all my flaws and baggage and see some kind of weird beauty in it. It’s not that they see through it. It’s not that they love me despite my rough edges. It’s that they love that I have drama. They love the danger in it. They love that with one wrong move, I’ll pull them down with me.
These men live typically boring lives and they crave the excitement that I can bring them. They ask me about what I’ve been through and they hang onto every word that drips from my tongue. When I’m finished telling them of a chapter of my life story, they always gush about how strong I must be to have survived such tragedies. And then, without pause, they tell me that I don’t have to worry about any of that ever again because I have them now.
I used to eat it up. I used to love that they would attempt to bravely save me from my inner demons. But then I saw what was really happening. They didn’t want to help me get better. They wanted to help themselves feel better. They wanted to fix me. Without fail, every single time, once they realized that I can’t be “fixed,” they burnt out like a candle at the end of its wick, slowly fading out until there’s nothing left.
It’s nothing against them, it’s just who they are. It’s how they’re wired. They think they have something great to offer me that will fill all the holes in my heart that other people have left. And it’s not really that they don’t. It’s just that I’m not the kind of person to fill up what I’ve lost of myself with pieces of someone else.
I’m not sure what this realization leaves for my future. I guess I’ll be more careful about who I let have access to my heart. I’m never going to stop telling my story though. I wasn’t put here just to live through it and barely survive. I was put here to live it and thrive in spite of it.

[destinationunreached]

You told me not to contact you.

You said you read this, so I'm sure you'll check back and see this post. I am not harassing you or anyone you know, nor have I ever gotten close. I haven't threatened you or anyone else. I haven't tried to contact anyone you know. This blog does not name anyone. At all. Not even me. I have gone to great lengths to remove all social media connections between us. I looked up the laws on harassment in this state to see if they've changed at all. You can check it out here: http://app.leg.wa.gov/rcw/default.aspx?cite=9a.46 And in case you decide to call this defamation or libel, please see the following link for an extensive definition: https://www.eff.org/issues/bloggers/legal/liability/defamation. I spent a good amount of time looking, and as far as I can tell, there are currently no RCW's on libel or defamation. This is a blog about my life and how I feel about it, and I have stated multiple times that I'm not here to villainize or defame you in any way. I have stated that there are two sides to every story. This is my story. And I will not be silenced.

[destinationunreached]

I will live many lives before I die. And I will fully enjoy every single one of them.

A couple weeks ago, I was willing to give up on the idea of ever being with someone in a serious relationship again. I think it was because I didn't want to be hurt like this again. But I'm getting myself back. And I'm open to the idea of being with someone again someday. It's not going to be for a while, and I definitely don't expect it to last forever. I feel like I have a few more great loves left in my life. I don't think I have a "one and only." That's not really who I am, and it never has been. I've lived several different lives already, and I feel like I have at least as many ahead of me.

[destinationunreached]

I'm sick of being sick.

It's so hard to get better when everything I do makes it worse. Eating makes me sick, but not eating makes me weak. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time, and even if I do, I still wake up exhausted and in pain. I can't do anything active because that hurts, but I can't be inactive either because that hurts just as bad. I get into this vicious cycle of not eating and not sleeping and I'm just weak all the time now. My body has given up. I haven't even had a period in almost 2 months. I dyed my hair yesterday, but to do that I had to bleach it first. I had to stop and take a nap after I washed the bleach out because I was so exhausted. The same thing happened after I did the color. I even tried to eat. It didn't help. Right now, I'm sitting on my couch, feeling all these little zaps and twinges of pain all over my body. Each individual zap doesn't hurt that bad. I could live with it by itself. But collectively, they're sucking all the energy from me. I know I need to get up and make a protein shake so I'm not quite so weak, but I just can't. When I stand, my body shakes and everything hurts more. My head starts throbbing and I get dizzy and have to sit down again. How am I supposed to get better when I can't even get on track TO get better? Is it time to start taking medication for this? But then what about the side effects that end up being equally as awful, or sometimes worse? What about the doctor bills and gas to get there? What about the prescriptions? I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't want pity. I don't want to ask someone to come take care of me and do all the things for me that my husband used to do. But at what point do I give in and ask anyway? It's been a while since he left, and I'm just getting worse. I'm pretty sure I can do this on my own, I just need to figure out how. And that might take a while.